Damaged Guy,
I did a full out face book post sent openly to OW. I had to use a back door off someone else's page. OW had blocked me yrs earlier. I used the template provided here. It was very intense that day. It worked well, that was the end of the affair and the realization from my ws that he was out of control and addicted.
MY WS is a multi affair offender and pornography addict. married 37 yrs. Following MB online course. In recovery a little over 1 yr.

I am sorry that you had to go through all of that. Your recovery gives me hope. I heard that things can be more difficult with a WW, though I hope that that is not case. She keeps talking about things in the near and far future that include the both of us together.

Wayward's are very fogged out. Mine told me awful things one minute then tried to tell me wonderful things. Talk about long time commitments and plans for us at the same time as typig OW love notes on his cell phone. Don't be disheartened by your waywards words or actions. Just follow the plan as best you can. It took a long time for the fog to clear.
We are older of course and with one another 24/7 now. A complete and total change in life styles. We get up together go to bed together. WE are working with Dr. Harley and the online program.
The pain is still here and I have triggers, however our marriage is way way happier than it ever was.

I wish that I could be together more with my wife. Things have been nice over the last three or four days, with talk of future things. We are hugging (which I started doing, and which now does without me initiating.) I tell her that I love her, but I keep it sporadic while she works out of the fog.

I have utilized the Operation Investigate forum, and I'm relatively certain that I will know if my wife goes near OM. Text message recovery shows that it is highly likely that nothing happened with the married old fling, rather they actually talked. I can't confirm if OM was a PA.

Though things are looking up. Though there are people who were thinking that I was losing my mind and that she should leave me anyway. These people don't have all of the facts, or are fickle when it comes to marriage, but they can still influence my wife.

I will just keep doing Plan A and IC/MC until I can't talk to Dr. Harley.

DG, did you return Dr Harley's call?

Hi Lin62. Could you share how you did this, please? OM has blocked me too.

Have you tried this? Facebook: A backdoor to "see" more info

I asked my oldest daughter and son if they could get to her page. And they could and they could see her friends but they couldn't post.
However in her friends list was a close friend of my daughters. I asked the friend if she would post my letter. She knew exactly how to post it so it went straight to OW and all her friends and of course all my daughters friends as well. So I had to accept that everyone would be talking. It became a public post. Later that same day my husband wrote his letter to family and friends and posted it on his facebook page. So plenty of exposure and reality in one day.

I had a phone issue and I don't have a v.m. froM Dr. Harley, so I don't know if he tried to call me. I spoke with Joyce.

I have been doing plan A and staying off of forums due to anxiety. However, dw found the GPS unexpectedly. She didn't know what it was, and I to it and looked it over, didn't answer and brought it into the house.

So far it hasn't been an issue, but I'm Sur it is bothering her, and she probably feels like I'm going to spy on her forever.

Now I'm worried again, since plan A is going well. Now this. Our anniversary is next month, and I already planned it out.

We have been doing things together for days now, and she put her head on my shoulder when we hugged last night.

She said that she doesn't want me to give up time for myself or friends since we started the reconciliation process, that I need to think about me also.

But then the GPS discovery. I don't know how she is feeling or what she is thinking about it, since she doesn't know what it is. But my lack of answer wasn't good. I'm hoping that this event doesn't screw things up. I actually had my anxiety under control.

Well, we talked about it, and she knows it was a GPS tracker, because she looked it up. I wanted to remove it, but the unexpected discovery ruined that.

She is angry and said that I lied to her. She wants to talk about it with MC at our next appointment. She called it 'creepy,' which I was beginning to fellow like because I don't like the spying.

I'm very worried now, as she might just decide to divorce. I know everyone's stance on what she did, though she thought we were over because of my words. Unfortunately in this day and age, marriage no longer holds weight when people split.

I don't know if my marriage can come back from what is now deception from both sides.

Sure, it can. But you shouldn't look at this as "deception" from your side. Do you think the police are being "deceptive" when they spy on drug dealers? Of course not. Your wife does not have the right to the privacy to destroy you behind your back. You have a right to know everything she does because you are married to her.


Was she not aware she is married? In America, a married person is "over" when they are divorced. Does she think you divorced her?

Damaged Guy you are very confused. If I found a GPS tracker in my car I would go to my husband and ask if he put it there. If he did, I would sit him down and ask him what was troubling him and suggest ways to make him less anxious. I would enthusiastically agree to any device that would make him comfortable. It would of course need to be something invisible to me. Knowing of it would make it pointless.

If your wife is angry, that means she has something to hide.

She feels violated because of the agreement to a commitment to work on the marriage. The discovery triggered her anxiety, and the anger is due to the fact that she cut off OM and agreed to work on us.

She said she is still committed, though this snafu is a set back. She said that we will both talk to MC during our back to back IC sessions and go from there.

I am returning the GPS and am not going to be spying on her. It does feel creepy and dirty. I don't like doing things if they trigger her anxiety. We also talked briefly about OM and she agreed in hindsight that he was not leaving his GF, and that no matter what happens to us, she is continuing therapy because of the choices she made.

If our marriage survived this, I will be happy, but also surprised. I'm assuming that a big part of her wants out because of my actions.

Did you read this?

While you may have contributed to the deterioration of the marriage, you did not cause her to have an affair and believing so is damaging for you. It's damaging because it means you are living in fear that one, tiny misstep will throw her into the arms of another man. It's a threat hanging over your head.

How are you supposed to heal when you are tiptoeing around her AND YOU HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING WRONG?

She has you by the horns here and it's no good to let a wayward drive the recovery bus. She is not rational or focused enough to have any idea what to do here and I promise you, the therapist will be detrimental as well. Your WW will use the therapist to continue to paint you as an unstable, needy, paranoid weirdo. How will that draw your wife back to the marriage?

Forgive yourself for whatever you think you did to damage the marriage and pull yourself together. You need to be strong, attractive and confident now. Letting her have her way by throwing tantrums and issuing threats will not save your marriage.

I did read it. It was one of the reasons I snooped. I also forwarded the link to my wife.

Outside is the snooping issue, I have been confident, strong, and have taken many steps to be more attractive.

We are together right now. We went out to eat, and I chose the place since she hates it when I say "I don't know, where do you want to eat?" I have made her laugh, there hasn't been any awkward silences, and things are well today, despite her angel over the GPS.

It was a setback, though maybe we can move past it. I reminded her that she agreed to letting me check on her, but she thought I meant strictly phone access.

Damaged Guy, Her finding the GPS was not a set back. Sure it made her angry. It also showed her you were being serious and confident in building on truth and honesty. Don't let her guilt you out. Stay strong. Snooping also builds your in her as she begins to be affair free. You will feel less anxiety because you will know she is being faithful.

I'm trying to believe that, though I'm not sure that the snooping tactics work with all wayward spouses, especially if they are still thinking that they might want out of the marriage, even though the affair is over.

We still had a good day together, and are sitting in the living room. We had laughs, did lots of talking, got dessert before driving home, and even talked about buying a new home someday.

It does seem that part of her is still in, but a big part want's out.

Of course, she told a couple of people who think I'm losing my mind.

There is nothing wrong with snooping. The goal here is to save your marriage, not to avoid her anger at all cost. You need to do a better job of snooping. Right now she is most inclined to restart her affair and you need to be snooping. Quit acting like you did something wrong, that is silly.

And it is silly to try to sell her on the concept of snooping while she is wayward. People who have noting to hide, DON'T HIDE.


I am not sure how you know what works and what doesn't?? How would know?

I'm just not sure how provoking her and making her lean towards divorce, while trYong to meet her EN''s is going to work. Especially with people telling her that she should just file a legal separation and then divorce.