So my husband and I have been together for almost 9 years and almost 2 years married. We have a beautiful baby who is 10 months old. Once our daughter was born all of our big issues started. I felt resentment for my husband because he did not participate in caring for our daughter and in turn I shut him out. We have fought back and forth about this and I really tried to include him more and more and he tried to participate more. Well for about 6-7 months now I've felt a difference in the way he is with me and the way he looks at me and asked if there was someone else. He always denied and made me paranoid. So we just recently went on our first date night after baby and it was a mix of bad and good. Bad because he admitted to me that he doesn't find me sexually attractive after I became a mother because I never got dolled up anymore and good because we sort of worked through it and we feeling happy with each other and holding hands. Well within 2 days he changed his password on a credit card and when I asked about it he told me just relax you'll see it's nothing bad. Later that day flowers were delisvered to me. But right before that I ended up seeing a girl he used to work with who moved out of the country posting on social media that she was delivered a huge bouquet of roses, in talking $250+ and kept putting his initial with a heart. His other co workers then responded saying they knew all along. That night I confronted him. He first denied it then tried to play ot off that it was her going away gift. He finally admitted that he had a deep crush on her and it was a mutual thing. This is eating me up inside. He denies it was ever physical but I just don't know what to believe. I feel as though first I was an after thought and to get me off his trail he ordered me a small bouquet of flowers. And I feel an emotional affair is almost just as bad as a physical one. He validated his feelings to her admitted we had problems and everyone at his office knew. I'm totally humiliated. I just don't know what to do anymore? I do love home but I don't know how to move on from this and if I even can. He's all I've know for the last decade and I feel like my self esteem is now shattered. How do I even begin getting over this?

Welcome to MB. Do you have spyware on all his devices? Is the OW married?

No spyware on any devices. We used to share our locations,passwords everything and this past year he turned off location and the day he ordered her flowers changed his CC password. I think it's a power thing for him. I see it as equals with nothing to hide and unfortunately he doesn't. The other woman was not married, now lives in another country. But I know they can still communicate through messaging. He says they have not spoken since the day he sent them to her as I emailed her 🙄 Calmly asking the extent of the relationship. I just don't know how to get past this.

Welcome to MB. I am sorry you are going through this

The first thing you need to do is put spyware on his devices. This does not mean 'sharing' things, this is spyware you install secretly to find out what is going on. Obviously he is not going to have transparency with you because he has something to hide. People who have nothing to hide do not have a problem with transparency but he does have something to hide. You need to find out the truth about what is going on with this woman, you cannot fight for your marriage without knowing the truth and what you are up against.

I would suggest spyware on his phone and other devices, and a VAR in his car. This could get you the info you need very quickly.

You cannot just get past this, for one because it is still going on so there is nothing to get past. Dr Harley has developed a great program to recover from affairs and heal your marriage but it does not include just 'getting past' the affair and betrayal.

I agree. You need to get spyware on all his devices and a GPS and VAR in his vehicle. I'm sorry to tell you that the affair isn't over and you need to find out the extent of it.

Is this really the only solution? He is very tech savvy and I am not but I am sure he would notice something installed on his phone. And anyway he doesn't leave it out of his sight. He says he thinks I'm trying to control him by having access to his stuff and says he needs to have some of his own things if we were to move on with our marriage. I really want to believer him when he says he's done with her but I just don't know.

Have you read the addictive nature of affairs? Do you have the book Surviving an Affair? The only way you can trust what is going on is by getting the proof. If we had all believed our waywards when they told us the afffair was over it would have been that easy and we all would have been in recovery immediately, but unfortunately that isn't how affairs work. Dr. Harley has been doing this for over 40 years and has created the best and only program that recovers marriages better than they were before the affair.

Read this Snooping: Is it wrong? Or, is it the right thing to do in marriage?

Your husband is having an affair. Guy's don't just spend big bucks on flowers for nothing. It is almost certainly physical. I would consider hiring a private investigator. You need to get to the bottom of this as soon as you can.

Yes, it IS the only solution. How can you possibly fix a problem if you do not know exactly what the problem is?

But I am a little concerned, because finding out the truth is just the very first step. The next steps can be more difficult. If you are unwilling to even do the first step, I don't have much hope for you here.

I am concerned about your attitude here, as you seem to want to sweep this affair under the rug and pretend it is not happening. You realize that is going to make things WORSE and not better don't you? It will just allow the affair to become more entrenched, and your marriage to deteriorate more. If that is your goal, go ahead and sweep away. But if your goal is to end the affair and recover the marriage, finding out the truth about what is going is the first step, and yes it is absolutely necessary.

We have had many non tech savvy spouses put spyware on phones, and many tech savvy people who do not notice spyware on their phones. There is an entire forum 'operation investigation' to help you with the technical aspects of spyware.

Of course he says you are trying to control him All waywards say that as a means to manipulate and gaslight their spouse into believing it is WRONG to know what your spouse is doing. He is gaslighting you my friend.

The only people who want secrecy are people with secrets. Typical husbands and wives do not keep their phone with them at all times, or insist on having secrets. Husbands and wives in affairs DO.

Read this. Please Explain Gaslighting

I am not trying to sweep anything under the rug. Forgive me for being in shock and not really knowing what to think. I understand that in order to ever recover from this I need to know everything. I know that the only reason to want privacy is that there is something to hide. I am just trying to wrap my head around this. I will read 'operation spyware'. Thanks for letting me know about that forum.