Hi. I never thought I would be back here again. This is writer1. Had to create a new account since I couldn't figure out how to log in with my old one. It's been a few years, and I don't know how many old timers are still around. If anyone wants to look up my story, it's a doozy. Should be under my old user name, writer1. Anyway - long story short. Multiple affairs, both mine and my husband's. He started off our marriage with a 10-year affair with his ex-girlfriend that I found out about through trickle-truth for the better part of a decade. When he finally came completely clean, he cut off contact at that time and we were supposed to work on our marriage, which never really happened. Three years later, I had an affair and got pregnant with our OC, a beautiful little girl who is now 8. I broke off my affair with the OM and haven't had any contact with him in 8 years. My husband briefly started contacting his old girlfriend during my affair, but stopped after we decided to work on our marriage and raise my OC together.

The marriage has been rocky for some time now. We had a few "okay" years after my affair ended. I tried doing the MB program, but my husband didn't really like it, so we never went all-in. Marriage has really been struggling for the past couple of years - no sex, little to no affection, few needs being met. Tonight, my husband dropped another bombshell on me (I don't even know how many this makes). About two weeks ago, he called his ex-girlfriend out of the blue. They've spoken and emailed several times since then, and have even expressed their continued "feelings" for each other. I'm pretty sure nothing physical has happened, since she lives 4 hours away, but definitely emotional.

It seems my husband has never really gotten over this ex-girlfriend in all of our 24 years of marriage. The last time, when we decided to work on our marriage after I ended my affair, I swore I would never do this again and that I would move straight into divorce if my husband cheated again. I know that's what I need to do. Mentally, I know that. But my head is reeling right now and my heart is racing and I feel like I'm going to throw up and I have no idea what to do. You'd think I would be a pro at this by now, but I guess it's just something you never get used to.

I really can't formulate a coherent thought at the moment. I don't even know what questions to ask, what to do next. My mom died three years ago and I have no real family anymore, other than my four adult children. I've talked to my older daughter already, but I don't want to burden my kids with this. I literally have no one to talk to right now. Any advice, support, etc. would be so immensely appreciated.

Hi writer, welcome back. There comes a time when it is apparent that a marriage is not salvable after multiple affairs. Your husband knows the pain of an affair, yet he does it again. That is not by accident, but by design You can't force a person to change against his will if he is actively pursuing an affair. My suggestion would be to move on your life because this will not change.

The translation is that he didn't like marital recovery.

You never really recovered from the affair the first time around. It does not seem like you have transparency and certainly did not create a marriage that was better than the pre affair(s) marriage. You seem to have just 'moved on.'

This will not work. As you are witnessing. Unless both of you are willing to make some radical changes to the way you view marriage, there is really no hope for you to have more than you do right now.

I agree with the others.

Is the OW married?

Thanks guys. I know all of this, of course. I've been around the block a few times.

It's true, we never really did recover and create a better marriage than we had before. I tried for a long time, but my husband just rejected anything that even sounded like it came from MB. He didn't think the program was doable, for whatever reason. Eventually, I gave up here and left the site and hoped maybe we could find a different way to build a strong marriage that didn't involve MB, since my husband wasn't on board with it. Obviously, that didn't work at all.

He left this morning. He said he was driving down to see his dad, who lives four hours away from us. Of course, the OW lives near his dad. I'm not stupid. I know what he's doing. But there wasn't really any way to stop him.

We're also broke now. I just learned that yesterday too. My husband said all the money my mom left me is completely gone and we are now financially screwed (his exact words). So I'm going to have to figure out our living situation and finances. Since my husband took a new job three years ago and we moved, I haven't been working. The town we live in is quite small, and his company is the only real business that isn't something like Walmart or a grocery store. The nearest biggish city is over an hour away, and I'm going to need more than minimum wage in order to support myself and my daughter.

I hate being in this situation again. I don't know why I thought this couldn't happen again, just because it had been 8 years and he hadn't talked to her. It's crystal clear to me now that this is a habitual thing with my husband and this particular woman and there probably isn't much I can do to change that.

She is married. I sent her husband a message on FB (after friending him last night) and gave him my phone number and asked him to call me. He hasn't called yet. But we know each other. As sick as it sounds, at one time, I thought the four of us were all friends. I didn't know my husband was messing around with her behind our backs. I never told her husband the first time. I don't intend to make the same mistake again.

So what is your plan? What are your job skills?

I don't have a plan yet. This was all just dumped on me last night. It's been about 12 hours and I was up sick half the night.

I used to work in education. I was a substitute teacher and a paraeducator in a special ed classroom. School is out for the summer, so I probably can't go back to that until the school year starts. Our school district here is quite small too, with not a lot of openings. I'm probably going to have to move to a bigger town. I don't like it here anyway and I don't know anyone or have any family here.

You need to tell all of your children.

Please follow MB to the letter this time.

I've told three of the five. Still trying to reach the other two.

OW's husband messaged me back, but she appears to be denying that there is anything going on between them again and that it is my husband initiating all contact. My husband has his phone with him, so I can't get proof to show OW's husband at this time. I did warn him that my husband may be on his way to their house, so he is at least aware of that.

OW's husband is claiming this is very one-sided. He is saying that my husband initiated contact (my husband said the same thing) and that OW doesn't want to talk to him or have anything to do with him (slightly different from what my husband said last night). So, it's possible this is all just happening on my husband's side of things and she doesn't want to rekindle their affair. My husband obviously feels differently. OW's husband was not aware of the physical/emotional things that happened between OW and my husband years ago, so I filled him in on that. He didn't say much, but he did say that if my husband shows up at their door, he will be there to turn him away. I'm not sure what else to do at this point. I haven't told my husband's father, but he has been sick lately and is currently in a rehab hospital, so I'm not sure that would be a good idea at this time. I've told everyone else I can think of. Truthfully, neither of us have much in the way of extended family anymore. My MIL passed away last summer.

I agree very much with this.

This was similar to my situation, where you are dealing with a spouse who has tools at his fingertips to improve the marriage, doesn't do his part and then continues to engage in marriage-wrecking behavior.

There are spouses that, oops, fall into affair/s without really understanding how it happens. That is not your situation and it wasn't mine. Your WH knows, and he doesn't care about how much he hurts you, writer.

I know it is probably painful to hear that but you can't address appropriately problems if you don't face them realistically.

There have been many red flags about your WH along the way. Even without the affair, he was neglecting you and the M. "Not being fully onboard with MB" is code for a spouse who doesn't want to put much effort in, doesn't to really meet your ENs, and doesn't want to stop engaging in IB. It really is that simple.

Even without the affair, you should have gone into Plan B a while ago, which I see was being recommended to you in the last thread. Which is what I think you should start preparing for now.

Sorry for your pain. I really do hope you fully implement MB for your own personal recovery.

Just wanted to let everyone know that I'm going to be on the MB radio show tomorrow, Friday, June 23. Hoping to get some clarity on what to do now and how to proceed.

How did it go? What did try tell you?

I heard your show. You said that your H is now 100% willing to do MB? Is that right?

That was surprising to me because over the many years you have posted here you have always told us that he basically flat out refused to POJA and really do much to meet your ENs, to the point where posters on your last thread were recommending that you separate due to his neglect.

Is he willing to do the required UA time? Is he on board with the POJA?

I heard your show, too, and I did not hear where you told Dr Harley that you have a child as the result of your affair, and that three of the other children are from your other marriages. Did you tell him those things?

I did tell both Joyce and Dr. Harley that in our conversations prior to being on the show. I'm not sure why Dr. Harley chose not to mention that during the show, though Joyce did say he might just want to focus on the current issue, which is my husband contacting his ex-girlfriend again after ten years of having no contact with her. Dr. Harley did ask me if I still had any interest in the OM, and I assured him I do not. I haven't had any contact with him in eight years and I wouldn't even know how to get in contact with him at this point. I think maybe Dr. Harley chose not to address those issues on the show simply to avoid confusion, since mine is a very complicated story.

My husband has actually expressed a willingness to do MB. In fact, he just listened to the entire broadcast tonight and said he was looking forward to the MB books arriving in the mail. I think that's a good sign and Dr. Harley agreed with that. Joyce even asked if my husband would be willing to email her, and he said yes, and plans to do so this week. No, my husband hasn't always been onboard with MB, but I think it's good that he is interested now.

And what about the OW? Is he going to put EPs in place? Will he send her a NC letter? Change all his contact information?