I am strongly considering it, as he is her stepson, and if there is a divorce, she will have to be phased out of his life.

I say divorce, because she is a serial cheater, and she will need an insurmountable amount of therapy. I am losing the will to fight this.

Friends of OM, his mom, his GF have been told. I posted it on a thread of mine on Facebook, but not my wall. Someone sent a screenshot to my wife.

She texted that she hates me right niw, and that we are done, to file papers.

We had big argument last night. This is the first time we yelled at each other, ever.

Because it seemed hopeless, I laid it all out about what I did, plus her behavior; the lies, and the deceit, and that her two girlfriends aided and abetted her in this. That even if I was removed from the equation, she started getting involved with a man who is in a LTR. That that behavior is dirty, immoral, and that I do not want our son to grow p thinking that acting in that way is acceptable.

I asked her why she does this. She finally stopped shouting back and looked despondent. She then put her face in her hands and began to weep, hard.

She basically realized the gravity of the situation and the pain and damage that others would feel, including her s tree pson, who she would lose. That our family would be shattered and that we would each see our son less. That I would go NC with her.

She said that she became confused, that she still loves me, and was scared. She said that I'm the only one who can hurt her, because I know her more than anyone, and I did hurt her, and that OM was at a distance and couldn't hurt her. She said she didn't want to be this kind of person who would do this, that she wants therapy to figure out why she behaves in this way because she doesn't want to do it again, that she doesn't want to be that kind of mother.

She said that she wants to fully commit to rebuilding our marriage. She is scared because she doesn't know how we can come back from this. I said that we need to learn to heal each other's pain that we caused.

I told our MC that I was,going to expose. She wasn't against it. She did say there was a risk of destroying any chance at reconciliation, but that the logic for trying was sound. She also agreed that I have a right to check on my wife to make sure that there is no infidelity. My wife said it will annoy her that I will check up on her, but that she understands why it must be done.

We have along road ahead. On another forum, it was suggested to contact the OM, kind of like what MelodyLane said about chasing him off.

I have to wait a bit, because OM works for the municipality that my sister lives in, and my sister applied for a variance, and we don't want OM to interfere.

If I didn't investigate, my wife would have been caught, because my sister goes to the one site they went to, and her municipality is practically my back yard with friends and family living there.

We have a journey to undertake...

Are you going to expose?

I did expose, last night. The last two posts are the result of the exposure.

Word is spreading through OM's town. GF has been told. People from our town also know. An employee who got involved in the deceit is going to be sanctioned. I would have fired her, but the business would fail to run, and we would have to shut down. DW's friends who backed her looking for some type of happiness with OM are shocked and are backing off. DW was humiliated, said she hates me and is done, but later broke down and said she still loves me, doesn't want too be the way she has been, and wants to work on the marriage with my conditions to check on her, in place. We need therapy.

DamagedGuy, Dr. Harley and Joyce received your email and have been trying to get back in touch with you via email and phone - they would love to hear back from you and see if they can help.

I received the messages and will try to call back tomorrow. My sleep schedule, or lack thereof, has been all over the place, and plus with the events of the last couple of days...

I do want to get in touch.

Did you tell the OM's GF yourself?

I did via message, along with a bunch of other people as word began to spread. I tried to get her phone number, but was unable to.

I think that my facebook post that I deleted was a miscalculation, a mistake. She is focusing on that today. I had a chance to look at some texts, and people are siding with her. I may be facing a backlash. She is still going to therapy to see if the marriage can be saved.

One person told her to get a lawyer and start journaling.

Hi DamagedGuy, exposure is scary and everyone finds a mixture of positive and negative reactions. But once you have done it you will realise it is the ONLY thing that can damage an affair and give you a chance of saving your marriage. Of course your partner is angry: you have revealled her marriage-wrecking behaviour to friends and family, and now it will be harder for her to continue to pursue it because people will be scrutinising her. Please believe the experienced posters here when they tell you that anger is transient but an affair will permanently destroy your marriage. You take a short-term hit on your lovebank account with her in order to achieve a longer-term goal.

I also experienced many negative responses from people who had the attitude that I shouldn't "wash my dirty linen in public" after exposure. However, I knew for sure that the embarrassment my WH was demonstrating through his anger was the strongest incentive for him to distance himself from OW. He didn't care about my hurt and pain, but he definitely cared that his work colleagues suddenly knew what their boss had been doing!! Embarrassment and public scrutiny are very strong motivators for behaviour change. Exposure helps you use those tools to save your marriage. Make sure if you speak to anyone about it that you explain you are doing it because you want to save your marriage and prevent your wife from destroying it, not because you want to hurt or punish your wife in any way. No one can fault that motivation even if they disagree with your approach (which of course some people will).

Didn't you just post it in a thread on Facebook? Did you actually send a personally message to OM's GF?

Thank you, chalkncheese. It is a bit scary, and people who are judging me do not have all of the facts. I'm truly worried how this could affect custody if she decides to divorce. Some people think that I am acting unstable because of the Facebook post. It was a post within another post I had made, which basically read that, unfortunately my wife is having an affair with OM, and provided a link to his page.


I personally sent a message to the GF. I sent a follow-up to make sure that she received it, and she replied that shd did, and thanked me for letting her know what is going on.

My wife said that she sent a text to OM, saying sorry for all of this, and that he didn't respond.

I seriously think that my wife is going to divorce over the post, as she feels that I tried to hurt her and humiliate her out of malice. She has a history of serial cheating. I just don't see how this marriage can be saved and made wholesome after all of this. People are telling her to leave, get a lawyer, journal everything that occurs, and prepare. Now I'm worried about my living situation, and custody/visitation.

I truly regret what I did with the separation insanity, though I don't know if this OM situation would have happened at some point, anyway.

DamagedGuy, I've been following your thread, and I'm sorry for the situation that brought you here. I completely understand a BS's reaction to blame himself/herself. The weeks/months following d-day floods you with a roller coaster of competing emotions, and guilt is one of them. "What did I do to cause WW to do this to me?" It happened to me, and after reading dozens of threads, I realize that it happens to all BS.

Your WW is acting like most waywards do, whether a serial or one-time cheater, and whether or not the BS asked for separation or not. Everyone thinks their situation is unique (me too), but it really isn't. Waywards ACT like addicts, because they ARE addicts. They gaslight their BS because it helps keep their fantasy A going, it keeps giving them a chance to get their "fix". They make as much sense as a falling down drunk.

We all do things that damage our marriages, I did, and so did you. But the scale of the damage you did with the "separation insanity" that you mention, completely pales in comparison to your WW's serial cheating. So please stop beating yourself up over it. WW was a serial cheater before you asked to separate. WW might have simply welcomed the separation as an opportunity to continue the A without interference. But you changed your mind about the separation, which threw a monkey wrench in WW's plans ("Why are you changing your mind now?"). WW's actions since then are typical A fog behavior.

You've received fantastic advice from the best posters on this forum. They've helped thousands of BS over the years, using Dr. Harley's proven plan and methods. The advice they give you is not always easy to accept or implement, but ignore them at your peril. Conflict avoidance, cherry picking, dragging your feet...it's a normal reaction to the stress you're under, but it will make things WORSE. Fortunately for you, the forum experts are objective and relentless. They know when you're waffling, and they will call you on it. The experts here CARE about you, they know you're hurting and what you're going through. Continue to listen to them, and follow their advice, even if it's scary.

Whether you choose to D or try to save your M is up to you. No one will fault you, regardless of which direction you choose. But whatever you choose to do, the experts here can help you.

God bless, and good luck.

I'm confused, why didn't you follow the advice in the exposure thread? Why did you expose the way you did?

Have you contacted the Harleys back?

Your only hope here IMO is to contact Dr Harley and follow his advice to a T. Your own relationship with your wife started on social media while you were both still legally married. She has had other relationships formed on social media since you've been married. This is a pattern for her. To hve a marriage that is affair proof with her will take you being strong, and being willing to follow the EPs and the rest of this program 100%. I have not seen a man willing to do that. You haven't taken our advice and have run amok with your own marriage wrecking behavior (like fighting with her, for instance) against our advice. You seem to want to cherry pick MB and do the majority of things your way. Your way is NOT going to work. Truly your only hope right now is speaking to Dr Harley and following his advice since you haven't seemed to want to follow ours.

Thank you, abrrba. This is the single most difficult thing that I have ever dealt with. I would take shattering my body in the accident all over again rather than what is happening now. I'm still trying to hold it together.


Part of me is weak, right now. I'm doing my best to have a clear head. The ongoing lies after she agreed to work on the marriage, how people who don't know about the OM are reacting, and fear about what will happen with my sons, has caused me to slip up.

I did expose the way it was suggested, using messages instead of letters. There are technical issues with my phone, so I couldn't do it 100%. The OM's family was notofied, his friends, some mutual friends, and especially his GF.

The facebook post was in the heat of the moment. I checked my business camera, and my wife, manager, and her toxic friend were absolutely slaying me about my post accident issues leading up to the separation, attacking the marriage, and making suggestions to my wife how to go underground.

Mutual friends that my wife and I have did not know about OM, and perceive that I'm being unstable because they view me as someone who flip-flopped in the separation and hurt my wife After all she has done for me.

I made the post with a combination of sadness, hurt, and anger. About an hour later, I felt guilt and regret over it, and deleted it. And now things are more scary than they were before.

I'm on hold with our internet/phone company because of a technical issue with our business. I'm hoping to call the Harleys before it's too late today. I have to get the technical issue fixed, or we lose business.

I spoke with Joyce Harley, and Dr. Harley will contact me soon.

Unwitten, I am do8my the best that I can. I am a human being who is broken right now, still dealing with PTSD and depression. Watching three women, one whom I am married to, completely destroy me and suggest ways for my wife to be secretive while in my place of business, triggered a fight.

It seems, at least on the surface, we have an understanding right now, about therapy and working on things, with NV with OM and that I will keep tabs, and I'm in plan A right now. We have been hanging out, laughing, and she is thinking about and mentioning things about the future as though we are going to make it. We are in agreement that I need to address my PTSD and depression, and that she needs therapy for her behavior. We both have a hope that there is a light at the end of the tunnel to keep our family together.

I am very much looking forward to talking with Dr. Harley.

I don't know if Dr. Harley tried to call. My phone bricked last night, and I'm trying to start using my wife's old phone, but before I factory reset the phone, I'm trying to recover deleted texts. I'm trying Dr Fone, but it keeps rebooting the device.