That was why I didn't force the issue with the NC letter, I requested, she rejected, and said she'll think about it when she's ready to recommit. So I backed off, knowing that if I just demand her to do it, it wont actually mean anything.

Same with moving, I haven't been able to persuade her yet, partly because of my own hesitations.

I haven't been able to persuade her yet, partly because of my own hesitations.

Yes, I agree. I would really like to move for a fresh start.

That was why I didn't force the issue with the NC letter, I requested, she rejected, and said she'll think about it when she's ready to recommit. So I backed off, knowing that if I just demand her to do it, it wont actually mean anything.

Same with moving, I haven't been able to persuade her yet, partly because of my own hesitations.

You contradict yourself from earlier today:

So, which is it? Are you hesitant, or would you really like to move?

I still don't think you've explained your "hesitations". What are they?

Tom,
I understand your perspective because I'm not following the EP's to the t. I'm choosing not to move, and from what I remember from SAA Dr. Harley says it may not be necessary. I haven't given up on the NC letter, but I'm also choosing to not take a stand on that particular EP.

He chooses NOT to move!

Indeed, but why say that he "would really like to move for a fresh start"? Messy, are you telling us what we want to hear when we get cross and beat you up?

I think you would benefit from being honest with yourself, and with us if you choose to post here, about what you really intend to do, what you're prepared to put up with, what you refuse to do - everything.

This thread has gone round in circles for months, and your marriage has been stuck in the post-affair rut for months. It's time to be honest about the decisions you're prepared to make, and those that you are not prepared to make.

Ok, so I've been reading here for weeks, and fighting the urge go into details, because there's just so many, and fear she'll find my posts and be upset for telling the world. But after watching the events of the 'caught snooping' thread unfold and seeing the similarities I've decided it would be best for me and my marriage if I seek wisdom here.

Here's the backstory you requested:
Wife confessed to feelings for one of my best friends after I pushed, initially, she denied feelings and said the emotional disconnect between us was because she was unhappy with me. This was early September '16. I was devastated, obviously, and went into a severe bout of anxiety/depression. About a week after she confessed these feelings, but told me she wanted to work on us and would change how she was around OM, so as to not make me jealous or hurt, I confronted OM and told him to end any 1 on 1 communication. Due to him being my best friend and both of them being so involved in our church, I foolishly trusted them. Fast forward 4 weeks, I finally got hard evidence that it was an EA, hundreds of texts over a 3 day family vacation and many hours on the phone over the previous weeks. I confronted WW with the evidence, said I know she was having an affair, I told her I wanted to work on things, but she needed to choose, me or him. She choose me and agreed to counseling. I agreed that we would continue our church activities with OM for a week (not knowing the severity of the addiction). After that week she agreed to no contact, and began adjusting work schedule so they wouldn't see each other (worked together). A week and a half later, my tracking indicated she was at his house. I drove there and caught them together, both saying the 'just needed to talk'. It was the day of our first counseling session and she wanted to make sure they were on the same page, cause she knew I'd take it hard when she told me they had discussed their feelings for each other. At this point I was so devastated and hurt I went full exposure. My family, Her family, our friends, and our pastors. (she resents exposure btw).

Since exposure she went into a depressed state, and was only doing counseling cause she had too. Our counselor gave us SAA, which WW stopped reading because it gave me too much "control". She is holding onto resentment for our physical relationship, my lack of parenting, and selfishness. I fully own my part in creating the vulnerability of the affair, I had a porn addiction and was selfish with my time which affected my parenting and her free time. The addiction was outted 6 years ago, but I still struggled off and on with it, however I'm 6 mos completely sober now and have taking drastic steps to stay that way. Also, I've fully changed my behavior to eliminate my 'taker'.

Now I'm trying my best to be in full plan A while she decides if staying is what she really wants. I struggled with not wanting SF from her and that was definitely a LB if I tried anything. Also my anxiety went berserk, and I learned I used sex as my drug for anxiety - dealing with social anxiety stress, and anxiety that we were growing apart and needing to be wanted (I'm an anxious attacher, if you've read much on attachment theory). Anyway, I started anti-anxiety meds and that has helped, within the last month I can manage it such that I'm no longer letting it turn into AO or DJ.

I guess bottom line, I'm struggling to stay positive in plan A, it's been 4 months of NC, but she was so devastated and depressed having to give up both OM and her fulfilling job that she has just barely started to come out of the fog. What I'm struggling with is patience, I know its worth it to be patient, but I just am starving for some of my top ENs to be fulfilled, basically I just want to be wanted again. So that wears on me and I have to fight LBs hard as I try to make her take some more positive actions and 'speed up'.

Appreciate advice so I can ensure I'm doing everything possible to restore the marriage.

ML - I am fairly confident affair is over, I had tracking for a few months, plus access to her phone, and she has friends to hold her accountable to NC as well.

All I know is general frequency and mostly it occurred in my house. Which is an unbearable thought. I want to know activities. Apparently it was fairly regular for the last 5 mos

Kids are 3, 5, 7, 12.

I don't know how many times it happened, but found out last night it happened while they were all here and in my own bed. Ugh, I'm not sure how to get past that one.

House watching will increase for sure. We will definitely need to move.