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That was why I didn't force the issue with the NC letter, I requested, she rejected, and said she'll think about it when she's ready to recommit. So I backed off, knowing that if I just demand her to do it, it wont actually mean anything.
Same with moving, I haven't been able to persuade her yet, partly because of my own hesitations. First off, you can't persuade someone to do something you don't want to do and don't believe you need to do. Are you even going to bother?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I haven't been able to persuade her yet, partly because of my own hesitations. You contradict yourself from earlier today: Yes, I agree. I would really like to move for a fresh start. So, which is it? Are you hesitant, or would you really like to move? I still don't think you've explained your "hesitations". What are they?
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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That was why I didn't force the issue with the NC letter, I requested, she rejected, and said she'll think about it when she's ready to recommit. So I backed off, knowing that if I just demand her to do it, it wont actually mean anything.
Same with moving, I haven't been able to persuade her yet, partly because of my own hesitations. We point out the lack of NCL because it's such an OBVIOUS little thing that can be done - when a WS is refusing to do that, they are probably not going to do much more to help the BS in a recovery. That is the point we are trying to make. Not to demand that she send the letter and all will be fine. You need to move in the hopes that she will defog and then be willing to commit to the marriage. Moving is your only hope.
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I haven't been able to persuade her yet, partly because of my own hesitations. You contradict yourself from earlier today: Yes, I agree. I would really like to move for a fresh start. So, which is it? Are you hesitant, or would you really like to move? I still don't think you've explained your "hesitations". What are they? He said a few days ago: Tom,
I understand your perspective because I'm not following the EP's to the t. I'm choosing not to move, and from what I remember from SAA Dr. Harley says it may not be necessary. I haven't given up on the NC letter, but I'm also choosing to not take a stand on that particular EP. He chooses NOT to move! 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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He chooses NOT to move! Indeed, but why say that he "would really like to move for a fresh start"? Messy, are you telling us what we want to hear when we get cross and beat you up? I think you would benefit from being honest with yourself, and with us if you choose to post here, about what you really intend to do, what you're prepared to put up with, what you refuse to do - everything. This thread has gone round in circles for months, and your marriage has been stuck in the post-affair rut for months. It's time to be honest about the decisions you're prepared to make, and those that you are not prepared to make.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Indeed, but why say that he "would really like to move for a fresh start"? Messy, are you telling us what we want to hear when we get cross and beat you up?
I think you would benefit from being honest with yourself, and with us if you choose to post here, about what you really intend to do, what you're prepared to put up with, what you refuse to do - everything.
This thread has gone round in circles for months, and your marriage has been stuck in the post-affair rut for months. It's time to be honest about the decisions you're prepared to make, and those that you are not prepared to make. You're right Sugarcane, you all seem to be able to hit the nail on the head every time! Here's where I am with things, honestly. I'm willing to risk delaying the move and NC letter. The NC letter will come with a decision to recommit to the marriage and if she recommits, I may not even request an NC letter. If not moving prevents the recommitment, then that's a risk I'm taking. I know I'm not following Dr. Harley's EP checklist completely, but I am choosing to delay a move. We have so much local support now, I think a move would be worse than staying. We both are in agreement that a move in the next year or so is what we want, but neither of us are ready for that stress currently. That is where I stand. I believe we have started into recovery despite not moving or an NC letter. We have been getting a lot of good quality UA time the last 3 weeks, and it's apparent to me that her love bank is back open for deposits from me.
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Ok, so I've been reading here for weeks, and fighting the urge go into details, because there's just so many, and fear she'll find my posts and be upset for telling the world. But after watching the events of the 'caught snooping' thread unfold and seeing the similarities I've decided it would be best for me and my marriage if I seek wisdom here.
Here's the backstory you requested:
Wife confessed to feelings for one of my best friends after I pushed, initially, she denied feelings and said the emotional disconnect between us was because she was unhappy with me. This was early September '16. I was devastated, obviously, and went into a severe bout of anxiety/depression. About a week after she confessed these feelings, but told me she wanted to work on us and would change how she was around OM, so as to not make me jealous or hurt, I confronted OM and told him to end any 1 on 1 communication. Due to him being my best friend and both of them being so involved in our church, I foolishly trusted them. Fast forward 4 weeks, I finally got hard evidence that it was an EA, hundreds of texts over a 3 day family vacation and many hours on the phone over the previous weeks. I confronted WW with the evidence, said I know she was having an affair, I told her I wanted to work on things, but she needed to choose, me or him. She choose me and agreed to counseling. I agreed that we would continue our church activities with OM for a week (not knowing the severity of the addiction). After that week she agreed to no contact, and began adjusting work schedule so they wouldn't see each other (worked together). A week and a half later, my tracking indicated she was at his house. I drove there and caught them together, both saying the 'just needed to talk'. It was the day of our first counseling session and she wanted to make sure they were on the same page, cause she knew I'd take it hard when she told me they had discussed their feelings for each other. At this point I was so devastated and hurt I went full exposure. My family, Her family, our friends, and our pastors. (she resents exposure btw).
Since exposure she went into a depressed state, and was only doing counseling cause she had too. Our counselor gave us SAA, which WW stopped reading because it gave me too much "control". She is holding onto resentment for our physical relationship, my lack of parenting, and selfishness. I fully own my part in creating the vulnerability of the affair, I had a porn addiction and was selfish with my time which affected my parenting and her free time. The addiction was outted 6 years ago, but I still struggled off and on with it, however I'm 6 mos completely sober now and have taking drastic steps to stay that way. Also, I've fully changed my behavior to eliminate my 'taker'.
Now I'm trying my best to be in full plan A while she decides if staying is what she really wants. I struggled with not wanting SF from her and that was definitely a LB if I tried anything. Also my anxiety went berserk, and I learned I used sex as my drug for anxiety - dealing with social anxiety stress, and anxiety that we were growing apart and needing to be wanted (I'm an anxious attacher, if you've read much on attachment theory). Anyway, I started anti-anxiety meds and that has helped, within the last month I can manage it such that I'm no longer letting it turn into AO or DJ.
I guess bottom line, I'm struggling to stay positive in plan A, it's been 4 months of NC, but she was so devastated and depressed having to give up both OM and her fulfilling job that she has just barely started to come out of the fog. What I'm struggling with is patience, I know its worth it to be patient, but I just am starving for some of my top ENs to be fulfilled, basically I just want to be wanted again. So that wears on me and I have to fight LBs hard as I try to make her take some more positive actions and 'speed up'.
Appreciate advice so I can ensure I'm doing everything possible to restore the marriage.
ML - I am fairly confident affair is over, I had tracking for a few months, plus access to her phone, and she has friends to hold her accountable to NC as well. All I know is general frequency and mostly it occurred in my house. Which is an unbearable thought. I want to know activities. Apparently it was fairly regular for the last 5 mos Kids are 3, 5, 7, 12.
I don't know how many times it happened, but found out last night it happened while they were all here and in my own bed. Ugh, I'm not sure how to get past that one.
House watching will increase for sure. We will definitely need to move. You still don't understand the severity of the addiction. They slept in your house in your bed. I don't understand how you cannot be triggered and I guarantee your WW is triggered constantly. You cannot begin to recover if you stay in this house and sleep in this bed.
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The name of your thread is very telling.
Recommitment?
You're uncertain about staying in the marriage and aren't willing to take the risk of really working on it. Moving and getting her to follow the EPs is just too much for you. Somewhere inside you, you must have more doubts about the marriage surviving than hope.
You want HER to show up and do the work. You want HER to show you how much the marriage means. You want HER to recommit.
Sadly, this approach is bound to fail and maybe that's ok. You might just be better off without her. It will wreck the kids and you can say it wasn't your fault. You can stay in town with your friends and family and run into the both of them at the store, at games, etc.
You think a move is stressful but you don't see that the way you're living now is the epitome of stress. You're still in the adrenaline of trying to save this. You haven't had a chance to feel the resentment that's coming and when you do, you will feel sick inside every time you see a car like his around town not to mention seeing him or trying to fall asleep in your own bed.
There was a WW here a few years ago. She and her BH decided not to move after the affair and tried to recover. They kept running into the OM until finally, the BH just said "I can't do this anymore" and left her. The forum tried to get her to move away and she and her BH wouldn't hear of it.
It would be great if you could just get clear about where you're really at. You don't really want to do the work to save this. You want to see if she'll step up and THEN you'll decide. The problem is, she's too fogged out and not in love with you to do any of what you're expecting.
Prepare to split.
Last edited by zibbles; 06/19/17 07:34 PM.
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