Plan B means you end all contact and do not contact him until he reaches out to you after he ends his affair and commits to meeting your conditions. He won't stop the affair until he wants to stop the affair. All the ultimatums in the world won't stop it. The problem now is that he knows you aren't serious about Plan B.

I would regroup, shut down avenues of contact and STOP contacting him. The conditions for return are a) end his affair and b) be prepared to meet all conditions of for recovery.

I would expect him to make some half assed offers for "reconciliation" before he is really serious. When he contacts your sister about reconciliation, she can test his sincerity without ever contacting you. You can give her my email address and I will help her navigate this. my email address is ohmelodylane@aol.com

And if he continues his affair then you will stay in the protection of Plan B. That is why you need to close the Plan B holes and not talk to him until you know he is serious about ending his affair and committ to the EPs you have given him.

So how can you close these Plan B holes?

Now you can see the reason for a dark Plan B. You fell into his trap and called him only to find out that as expected he is not serious about ending his affair. It only managed to upset you and make you second guess your boundaries. This is why being serious about Plan B is so important. No worries, you lapsed a bit but can get back on track.

I think the problem is I did too many things at once. I exposed OW to Facebook friends and family and added more of H's friends, then told him he can't come to the house anymore and then instituted Plan B. So it was a lot of drama before gojng into the blackout. Tomorrow night the friendsI exposed to are going to dinner with H and he doesn't know they know. I don't expect them to change him but I have to feel like I did everything I could. And I know I shouldn't even know about the dinner but my poor sister caved.

I think I'm in for a rough few days, but when he does not follow my ultimatum I will file for divorce and I think that will make it an easier transition to plan B. He can fight with my lawyer over coming to the house or not and my sister wont have to intervene as much about that and money.

It's difficult with her because she does not support a plan b. She thinks I should be done with Him and move on.

I don't think you did too many things at once. I went from dday to being in a full blown Plan B in one week all while I was having daily panic attacks, doing exposure, packing his things up, etc.

There WILL be drama and you WILL want to contact him. That is actually a big part of the reason for Plan B - to remove yourself from the craziness that surrounds waywards. A dark Plan B for a period of time is actually what will HELP YOU NOT WANT TO CONTACT HIM.

You WILL think there IS something more you can threaten or say to make him come out of the fog. There ISN'T. As long as you think this way, you are at HIGH RISK to break Plan B again.

You don't even want him back unless he is remorseful and on bended knee anyway.

Have a plan for any time you are feeling tempted - post here first if you are even contemplating a Plan B break into the future (and yes, this will happen!).

Just to continue from the last post. Having been through this, I don't agree that filing for Plan D will help you.

My Plan B break was after I filed for D. I still regret doing it even though this was years ago. It was basically the same as having an AO which my goal is never to do, ever. I was very angry about something a friend told me about my WH - that's partly why it is important not to allow people to talk to you about him.

Plan B will help you with Plan B as weird as that sounds. When you find yourself feeling better and better separating your life from WH and letting the wayward drama consume your life, you will realize HOW BAD living that way was for your.

If you don't REALLY go dark, you are going to struggle, for a long time.

It's important that she understand is doing a job where she needs to be impartial and set aside her feelings and just do what needs to be done. Do you think she can do that? Has she read the IM manual?

What is an AO? Why do you regret filing the D before plan B?

An Angry Outburst (look under lovebusters above)

I don't regret filing for D. I regret my Plan B break which came After filing for D. My point being that filing for D will not help you stick to Plan B or be less chaotic or emotional etc.

You're going to want to break Plan B until you get to a peaceful place where your thoughts are not consumed by WH. You have to resist the urge no matter the excuse.

I just want to emphasize this because it is so important.

It's going to be so hard for me not to ask about what happened at the dinner with H and his friends. (Not that I would contact H, but I know the friends will talk to my sister about it). But its just going to hurt I'm sure. I contacted my mother in law to let her know what has happened and that I plan to file for divorce and of course she tells me she talked to H and how he is just a lost soul. Stuff that hurts to hear. I did tell her from now on not to tell me if she has talked to him or what he says, even if I ask her too.

Thanks you guys, please keep reminding me not to contact, not to ask, and tell people not to tell me. I know its what is best but so hard.

This is the thing...

There are some BS who refuse to implement Plan B who YEARS after the A and divorce STILL have a death grip on their WS. They may not even realize it, but it is obvious to a third party that they are very much involved in their ex WS's drama, still talk about them all the time, etc., it adversely affects their current relationship/marriage and their health...

I can't tell you how many times I have read posts from BSs who are depressed, unhappy and/or angry and don't even realize how much it has to do with the fact they are stuck because they won't cut off their ex wayward or because of how badly they were damaged by not going into Plan B sooner.

I have a good friends IRL like this in addition to the many times I've seen it on these forums.

I can tell you that the way I view my exWH is similar to the way I view a distant relative that I have, that I do not really respect, who makes me uncomfortable. I prefer not to know anything about him or have any interaction - but if I hear something (from my children) I just remain neutral and it doesn't really make me feel anything emotionally (so long as it doesn't hurt them).

My kids are doing as well as they could possibly be doing under the circumstances because I am doing very well, I really do believe that.

Plan B, Plan B, Plan B if you want the best possible outcome for yourself and your kids regardless of what happens in your marriage. I can't emphasize that enough. You can do it.

Thank you SusieQ. That's what I need to remember, that its best for my children if I keep this drama out of all of our lives.

So then what's your plan to go to a true dark Plan B? How can you close the holes?

I emailed my sister and sent her Melodylanes post:

"Plan B means you end all contact and do not contact him until he reaches out to you after he ends his affair and commits to meeting your conditions. He won't stop the affair until he wants to stop the affair. All the ultimatums in the world won't stop it. The problem now is that he knows you aren't serious about Plan B.

I would regroup, shut down avenues of contact and STOP contacting him. The conditions for return are a) end his affair and b) be prepared to meet all conditions of for recovery.

I would expect him to make some half assed offers for "reconciliation" before he is really serious. When he contacts your sister about reconciliation, she can test his sincerity without ever contacting you. You can give her my email address and I will help her navigate this. my email address is ohmelodylane@aol.com"

And the IM training school material. She says she agree that this is best for me and understands what the conditions are now. I also told my mother in law not to tell me anything else about H or even if they have spoken.

Unfortunately so far I have been the biggest hole but I'm feeling the consequences of that now. If I get the urge again to contact or get info I will post here first.

The last hole I see is with the kid exchange. Yesterday was the first day since I told him he couldnt be in the house with the kids that he saw them. He texted through my sister that he picked them up, took them to the park and gave them dinner. Then told her he was bringing them back at 7. For me to avoid seeing him, I did like I have in the past and stayed up stairs for him to bring them in. He says goodbye to them and then leaves. This I dont like. I dont like him in the house at all and I dont want to hear him with the kids. But we have a 6 month old and 3 year old that cant exactly come in the house by themselves. I dont know who I could possibly find someoene to come over for those 5 mins 3 times a week to do the exchange outside of the house.

My thought is when I file for divorce I will ask that he has custody every other weekend, so no more of this 3 times a week. Right now he is still staying at his paralegals place so I think until I file he will just continue to do that rather then get a place to accommodate the kids. But even when I file he might not do that. I think he is waiting for OW to leave her husband so they can get a place together. Dont know why she isnt doing it yet. But I'm in plan B and should not be concerned about that

I would close this hole immediately. You can give him visitation 2x a week [2-3 hours, you choose] and give him a strict time, say 2-4 on Saturday and 5-7 on Wednesday. Make that the permanent visitation so you don't have to have all this extra contact. Hire a neighborhood teenager to come to your home and do this transfer outside. He should not be in the house at all.

Him coming in your house and you hiding upstairs completely defeats the purpose of Plan B.

I would completely eliminate all this unnecessary communication. Send him a strict schedule and he comes to your house at the time, the babysitter takes out the kids. The babysitter comes back at the drop off time and retrieves them at the specified time. You dont even want to get into a position where you are having to DAILY negotiate visitation times. Just do that ONCE with a set schedule. And if he is 30 min late, he forfeits his time.

Agree with MelodyLane.

Oh, no, he absolutely cannot come into the house.

I know I dont like it but there is no way I'm going to find someone to do that. My neighbors all have young children like us. There is a one teenage girl from his church that I use sometimes as a babysitter that I can ask but she is super busy, but I will try.

How do you keep something like this up for years potentially?

I can tell him to bring the kids in the garage and leave and shut the door and I can come and get them in there. I hate the idea of my kids being tossed in the garage though, but thats the only alternative to keeping him out of the house that I can think of if I cant find someone.

I would really think this through until you find a solution. You could take the kids to someone else's home, hire a sitter; there are lots of ways to do this. You could find a senior in high school who drives perhaps. They are out of school now looking for jobs.