Was introduced to MB yesterday... and it has already helped greatly.

Background:
Husband and myself are 35, married 5 years. Early last month, he was caught having an affair.
Very very long story short, after reading MB, I believe he is in the phase of withdrawal. (He has shut down.) He has taken responsibility and doesn't blame me (but obviously we are or I am lacking somewhere otherwise this wouldn't have happened).

I am at a lost of what to do. I want to make it work. Up until today (it has been about six weeks now), I still pack him lunches and make dinner and take care of him... trying to give him his space to sort out his emotions until he's ready to talk. But each time I try to coax him to talk, he clams up.

Sooo... I believe he's still in withdrawal.. and I don't know what to do.

Welcome to MB and sorry for what has brought you here.

Who is the OW? Have you exposed the affair?

And just to let you know the reason your WH had an affair is because he has no boundaries and allowed OW to meet his needs. You didn't do anything wrong. If you follow MB there is a plan that will help your marriage be better than before the affair.

Thank you... yes the affair has been exposed. All ties have been severed. The OM's husband actually exposed it. But from what I've discovered, they're still happily together (which is a bit of a relief to me, I actually wanted them to work it out because the husband is a very kind man and for selfish reasons, hoping the OM would be less likely to reach out to my WH if her husband will take her back.)

Right now, I'm basically waiting for WH to work through his withdrawal and when it's possible, work on MB's plans to help us. Can you tell I'm sadly more of a patient Giver?

Are you practicing plan A or are you following the plan described in Surviving an Affair?

More background... I didn't know what Plan A or B or withdrawal was until yesterday. So when I read through everything, I realized that naturally, we are in Plan A, but WH has completely shut down and refuses to talk. He could only utter "I'm lost."

Being completely beside myself, a friend recommended MB and after reading everything, realized him shutting down means he's in withdrawal. Which made sense. I am unsure if I should continue to be "normal" as best I can around him (take care of household, etc)... or how can I tell when he's ready to talk.

I'm trying to patiently wait out this withdrawal period. It's been about 3-4 weeks. My closest friends advice me to stop taking care of him... stop making his meals and doing his laundry. It's not in my nature to not take care of him even though I want to wring his head off... and I hate playing these passive aggressive games.

He's still appreciative of everything I do.. quietly saying "thank you for dinner" and whatnot. I'm trying to be patient and it's hard to be patient when I'm not the one who actually did anything wrong. *sigh*

Did you read all the links in the "start here first" post?
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2695379#Post2695379

How did you expose? Did you see the checklist?

If you read all the links, you will understand the plan to survive the affair. First you kill the affair (exposure), then you decide if you want to save your marriage. Plan A is not recommended for so long for women.

Don't show your husband this website yet. This is your strategy and as long as he is fogged out, you don't want to share your strategy.

Please read all the articles linked in the "start here first" post and tell us about the affair (how long, where, how did they communicate) and your exposure (to whom, what exactly did you tell).

Hi SW, welcome to Marriage Builders. A couple of questions for you. Where did he meet this OW? Do you live close by to her? And was the affair exposed to your family and friends? Have you picked up the book, Surviving an Affair?

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

sad, I would not act as if things are normal. Rather, go to him and tell him how much this has devastated you and ask for his commitment to recover the marriage. Not having a plan is a plan to fail. I would start first with affair proofing your marriage and then start this program of recovery that is outlined in Surviving an Affair.

If he is not willing to commit to giving you just compensation for his affair by following this program of recovery, I would prepare for separation.

Plan A is a plan for an active affair, so that time is over. It is now time to recover the marriage and he needs to get on board before his marriage becomes more damaged.

Has he expressed any regret for the affair? Has he apologised to you for what he did? Does he seem in any way anxious to keep you, and to stay in the marriage? Has he expressed the hope that you will not leave him?

What did he mean by "I'm lost"? Was he expressing regret at the ending of the affair? Was he saying that he did not know what to do with his life now that he has lost OW?

here

To whom was the affair exposed? Do your children know about it (they should do)? Do both his and your parents, and other close family members, know? What have they been told, each of them? What did you tell your children?

In what way have all ties been severed? What was the connection between your husband and OW - did they work together? Was she a friend of your family's? Was she an old girlfriend?

How did they meet initially, and how and where did they carry out the affair? How did you husband manage to see her without your knowledge? Where did he say he was going?

I'm asking these questions because, if they work together, or if she lives within a reasonable distance to your house, or goes to your church, or is a parent from the school, it will be easy for them to meet in exactly the same way they did before, and it will be easy for this to be hidden from you. You can't count on the fact that "all ties have been severed" just because both spouses found out, and the affair partners were given an ultimatum to stop seeing each other if they wanted to stay married. Unless you have a way of knowing that all forms of contact are impossible, you should assume that they are still in contact, and that they will meet again soon. A man who is grieving his OW as deeply as yours seems to be doing will not cut contact. He will reach out other, first to check that she is alright, and then to see if the feelings are still there, and then to meet her again.

So, please answer my questions at the top of this post.

Read this and listen to the radio clips in here.
What is Just Compensation?

Exactly.

It's not normal for your WH to still be in withdrawal after weeks of NC. It sounds like he is having some sort of contact.

^^ X2.

Do you have spyware on all his devices? A VAR (voice activated recorder) in his vehicle?

How did he meet this OW? What avenues did they use to carry on the affair? Who is this OW?

Welcome to MB sadwfy. I'm sure this is very overwhelming. It is great that you found this site and have set about educating yourself about MB.

It seems as if you take some blame for the A. Perhaps you have read about ENs and LBs and know that you failed to meet some of his ENs or lovebusted him. I'm sure you did, most of us did as well before we came here. But although that creates an unhappy marriage, it does not create an affair. Poor boundaries around the opposite sex create affairs. Your WH had poor boundaries and allowed another woman to meet his needs. You could have been the perfect wife and this could still have happened.

Many people are asking for more details because often people come here after having discovered the A. Wayward spouse panicked and says it's over, and who doesn't want to believe that to be true? Many people want to move fast into recovery. Unfortunately it is almost never this easy. That is why we need more information about how he met OW and how the A developed, how and to who it was exposed, etc. we want to help you to make sure you are not trying to rush into recovery, skipping important steps along the way that will come back to bite you.

You have some great posters posting to you. There is a lot to learn here and it can be overwhelming, but the posters posting to you know this program very well and can help you immensely.