H asked me how I would feel about an activity he wants to do on his day off. It is very difficult for me to say how I feel when I know it will go against what my H wants to do. But because we have agreed to follow MB even when it is hard, I said I wasn't enthusiastic. He asked if there was anything he could do to help me be enthusiastic. I said I would think about it.

A while later, he asked, "So are we any further along in deciding how I spend my day off?"

My reply was that I am trying to be open and honest and not make reluctant agreements and so I was honest in saying I am not enthusiastic about the activity he has in mind.

He is aware that he is not supposed to ask me why I feel the way I do but is frustrated about this. He said he is hurt that I am unenthusiastic. And he wants to know what he is supposed to do now.

He didn't love bust me. But I do feel very tense in being honest and now he is hurt and frustrated. He says he doesn't know what he is supposed to do now.

I think what we are expected to do with this is for him to find something else to do with his day off but I didn't say this.

I don't want H to be hurt or disappointed but I cannot change the way I feel. And I do not want to make reluctant agreements as I have been instructed not to.

Can I have some advice on this please?

What he is supposed to do now is to take that activity off the table. It is no longer up for discussion.

Is this a situation where he has a day off and you do not?

that is the situation, yes.

When you are not enthusiastic, like Sugarcane suggested, that idea comes off the table and other ideas are discussed. What other things would he like to do?

Do you feel that the subject of that particular activity can be dropped? Will your husband accept that, without turning the request into a selfish demand, by sulking, for example?

You should be perfectly comfortable saying that you are not enthusiastic about it - and neither do you have to endure discussions about what would make you enthusiastic about it. Having such discussions could merely be a way of pressuring you to be "reasonable".

The subject of the particular activity is on our list of conflicts. I was not aware that sulking would be considered a selfish demand.

I am not yet comfortable saying I am not enthusiastic but would love to get to that place. H asked if there was a way I could be enthusiastic based on advice h was given on his thread a while back.

No SD's but H did express that he does not understand why his request is a problem and wishes I could have a change of heart on the topic.

I actually wish I could too but am determined to do my part re no reluctant agreement for our long term goal of a true MB marriage.

While H does respect this, he struggles with his own feelings .

I am sure, though, he would rather not do something that makes you unhappy and is relieved you have been honest about reluctance. He would struggle MORE if you agreed and were unhappy. Your reluctant agreements in the past have been a disaster to your marriage and is something he should want to avoid at all cost.

Dr Harley writes: "If we make a request for something we want or need, and the request is turned down, our instincts encourage us to take more forceful steps. And the first thing that comes to mind is usually a demand.

Demands carry a threat of punishment -- an if-you-refuse-me-you'll- regret-it kind of thing. In other words, you may dislike what I want, but if you don't do it, I'll see it it that you suffer even greater pain."

Sulking can be put into the category of a punishment. If there is any consequence exacted on the reluctant spouse, this means that the request was never really a request - it was a selfish demand. When the requesting spouse sulks and perhaps gives the other the silent treatment, they are trying to make the reluctant spouse regret their decision, by making life much more unpleasant. Sulking is an attempt to put pressure on the reluctant spouse, and if that sulking does not succeed in making her change her mind about the current issue, she will find the reaction so unpleasan that, next time there is a request, she won't want to repeat that experience. She'll give in, and she won't be happy. You, Barigirl, have given in to implied threats for many years during your marriage, and the result was to drive you away from your husband.

With a genuine request, there are no consequences for the reluctant spouse. The requesting spouse wouldn't inflict consequences or punishments, because he is not interesting in gaining at his spouse's expense.

"When I ask my wife, Joyce, to do something for me, she may cheerfully agree to it-or she may express her reluctance. This reluctance may be due to any number of things-her needs, her comfort level, or her sense of what's wise or fair.

If I push my request, making it a demand, what am I doing? I am trying to override her reluctance. I am declaring that my wishes are more important than her feelings. And I'm threatening to cause her some distress if she doesn't do what I want.

She now must choose one of two evils-my "punishment" on the one hand or whatever made her reluctant on the other. She may ultimately agree to my demand, but she won't be happy about it. I may get my way, but I'm gaining at her expense. My gain is her loss. And she will most certainly feel used."

Also,

"If you make demands of your spouse and expect obedience, you are being controlling and manipulative. Your spouse will try to escape your abuse, and instead of becoming responsive to your needs, he or she will have as little to do with you as possible. Is that what you want? Do you want to drive your spouse away from you?

Neither of you is a sergeant and neither of you is a private. You do not have the right to tell each other what to do, and if you try, you will find that it doesn't work. If you try to force your spouse to meet your needs, it becomes a temporary solution at best, and resentment is sure to rear it's ugly head. Demands and other forms of manipulation do not build compatibility; they build resentment."

Selfish Demands

Great post!!

Dr Harley said that, not me!

Great post by him!

Thank you, MelodyLane. This is a hard lesson.

Would it not be a DJ to call it sulking when there is disappointment or hurt?

No, sulking is a selfish demand:

I listened to the radio show yesterday and wanted to listen again but the rebroadcast show is different. Why is that? And where do I go to hear the original one?

Do you have a subscription to the archives?

Yes.

Then unfortunately you'll have to wait until it shows up in the archives.

We are still working hard on the POJA and have had some success.

I have a question regarding resentment from the past.

When we married, my H was a practicing alcoholic. I was very young, there is an 8 year age difference. H quit and had "slips" for the next 12 years. During that time, we had 5 children. It was en extremely difficult time for me.

I believe these things factored into us developing bad habits from the start.

As the years went on, of course we had lots of other issues and conflicts. While we negotiated most, there were a few issues that caused us problems.

These issues are the ones we are working on, using POJA, today.

My problem....my H feels a lot of resentment toward me for having to endure my "mood swings" throughout our married life. I feel my "mood swings" were a normal response to his behavior, ie the drinking and other things.

H takes responsibility for his drinking and the pain it caused me. But he feels that I do not take responsibility for my response(s) re the "mood swings" throughout our marriage.

I am upset that he has resentment toward me for this. I feel that he caused the "mood swings" with his behavior so he doesn't get to resent me,

And yet, I know that he feels what he feels. And I am hurt that he feels this.

Help?