Hello, and thank you for this resource.

My husband and I have been married 13 years. I found out last night that he had sex with someone. I reviewed his texts, but some of them have been deleted.

We have 3 kids, ages 11, 9, and 7. The other woman is single and has 3 kids who are the same ages, and attend the same school.

I guess it started about a month ago, them hanging out, and they finally had sex Tuesday, 4 days ago. I've always suspected that she was looking for another "dad" for her kids.

She is sending my husband messages sayaing she thinks she is pregnant, she wanted to take the morning after pill but by the time she got it it was too late, so she didn't take it. I am thinking she did this on purpose, tried to get pregnant.

I overheard their phone conversation and confronted him. He had felt guilty about the whole thing and wanted to break it off. There are some things I don't know what to think right now but I do think he is remorseful and would do anything I ask to save our marriage. He said they had been kind of flirty for about a month but nothing physical happened until then. It was one time but unprotected. She isn't on birth control.

Right now, even though it's only been four days, I can't stop wondering about what to do if she is pregnant. I have read the advice, and so glad I found it. No contact with her or her baby is exactly what I would want. Despite what happened, I know my husband would agree to the same.

I am fearful of what might happen to me financially. I am the breadwinner in the house. My husband started a business that is still in its infancy and so far has negative equity. When he started that, we had to make a lot of changes, and money is tight. I've been working extra shifts just to make ends meet. I assume that the state can take money from my check to give her child support.

I know that there is uncertainty right now, and maybe some will say not to worry about it until we know if she isn't pregnant or not. But it would comfort me to be prepared and have a plan.

I read somewhere that we should legally separate. Is that true even if we plan to reconcile? Can she take money from him even though he doesn't earn much by himself? Someone somewhere said to put a lot of money in retirement to "hide" it.

I just can't find a lot of information about that stuff, so I'm wondering if anyone can give me advice or point me in the right direction.

Thank you so much. Sorry I have to be here...

We live in Washington state, if it matters.

Welcome to MB.

In addition to having a plan to handle a potential OC, you also need a plan to recover from this affair and protect your marriage from another one. I am sure your focus now is on a possible OC, but whether or not there is an OC, there is still an affair to contend with.

I would suggest you start by reading the book Surviving and Affair. It his a plan that willl help you recover your marriage.

I would also suggest you put spyware on your WH's phone and a VAR in his car. The fact that he continues to hide texts from you indicates that you don't have all of the information and the affair is not over. You need all of the information about this A and you need to be able to verify it is over. Do not tell him about the spyware as that defeats the purpose.

Hi Giraffe, welcome to Marriage Builders. It sounds like this lady is trying to set him up and keep him hooked in with this story. This is a very dangerous situation, and you are going to have to take extraordinary precautions to keep them apart and prevent resumption of this affair.

I would follow the guidelines on this check list. She has already got him into bed once, and I assure you will do it again if the opportunity arises. The fact that your children go to the same school is a huge issue that endangers your children. I would strongly advice that you take steps to get yourself out of that town and certainly away from that school.

Affair proofing your marriage and exposing the affair are the most critical first steps.

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

He should cut off all contact with this OW and have nothing to do with her. All avenues of contact should be shut down. He can either block her on his phone or get another #. He should not ever respond to her unless a court order shows up at his door.

That seems like sound advice. I don't suspect he is hiding anything anymore though. I guess you never know for sure though, right? When I found out about this (last night), he willfully gave me his phone and let me see what they were texting. So far he has answered all of my questions. He had deleted old messages from her before I found out about the whole thing. I did see the messages where he was trying to break it off with her.

How much does spyware cost? He is very knowledgeable about tech and I have no clue, so I would worry he would find it. Plus, he is always on his phone, he uses it for business purposes, he almost never sets it down. I do think that if I told him I wanted to go through the phone he would let me.

What is a VAR? We have a mileage tracker on his truck because he uses it for business purposes. We live rurally though, so it's completely inaccurate sometimes, bouncing around wrong cell towers.

Also, this just happened yesterday, last night, so my head is still spinning. I don't know for sure I want to reconcile. I tried to throw him out but ended up not going through with it. I think it's fair to go to counseling for help.

I know this website is based on that book, or seems to be. I live in a small community and am afraid to order the book from the library because someone might see it on the hold shelf. I read on here about disclosing it to everyone, but I don't think I'm ready for that. I feel so completely humiliated and I haven't told a single person yet. I can't see how it benefits me to basically tell the whole world what a failure I am and this disgusting thing that happened. Just thinking about telling anyone makes me feel sick. It sounds terrifying.

I will get there eventually. Thank you for listening. I think my next step will be to set up a counseling appointment. But I am a planner, and I feel like I need to protect myself, especially financially. So if anyone has any experiences or knowledge about that I would also appreciate hearing about that.

That is ridiculous for her to say she is pregnant after 4 days!

You can get spyware at flexispy and a deleted text retriever. Look on the Operation Investigate forum.


I would not ask him to go through the phone again. He can just delete anything he doesn't want you to see so that defeats the purpose. The OW has to be blocked from contacting him, that means he either gets another # or he effectively blocks her. She can't have the ability to reach him EVER.


It is a voice activated recorder.


Just so you know, marriage counseling is destructive to marriages. The advice we give you here comes from Dr Bill Harley and it is completely counter to traditional marriage counseling.


Download the book on kindle for PC's on amazon.com.


No one is ever ready for exposure, but it is the single most effective step you can take towards saving your marriage. If you won't expose, i don't give this much hope. Dr. Harley is a clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders. Here is what he says about exposure:



You need to get over your terror real fast because it will take extreme measures to get over this extreme disaster. Please go read the Exposure 101 thread in my signature.


The next steps should be: exposing the affair and affair proofing your marriage.

Thanks, I will download it, that is helpful.

In the meantime, we can help you with critical next steps because are familiar with Dr. Harley's program.

This is either a pathetic way to try to keep his attention or a set up because she is pregnant from another man and looking for someone who could support the baby better.

Also consider that Tuesday was not the first time they were together.

I agree.