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So, I have been doing a lot of reading, a lot... I have been on the boards, and downloaded and read the book on the weekend.
This is just so hard to navigate, like killer hard sometimes.

So, I would like to ask all of you...

What advice would you experts give on how to ensure the plans put in place are given the best chance of success?

Thanks!

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Welcome to MB.

It's hard for us to give advice without a context, so please tell us your story. Has there been an affair in your marriage?


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Welcome to MB.

That is a very broad question. We would need to know the situation and the 'plans' you are referring to. Many people come here with their own plan and that usually has the worst chance of success.

Please give us more detailed information.

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ok, here goes.

I recently found out that my husband had been having an emotional affair and had fallen in love with the OW. I trusted my gut, and confronted him, and he tried to circle talk me, but did get it all out. Obviously, I can't trust his word at this point, so I did some detective work, and am reasonably confident in what he has said (things line up with my evidence).

Since this is so raw (I confronted him on 06/14, and he fessed up on 06/22), I have been all over the place with my thoughts and feelings. I am quite a rational person, and immediately wanted him gone. We do have 2 children (6 and 9), and I want the best for them out of this.

He met the OW at work, but he doesn't work with her. He is a police officer, and he met her at a call (she is a Military Police). She noticed that he had a pin that veterans of Afghanistan wear, and she mentioned that she had been there also. They quickly compared notes, and there was a lot of crossover between them (times and places they served, and people they knew). He exchanged cell numbers with her, and they had the typical slow build-up of friendship, and over time, it crossed the line, and became a full emotional affair. I have their first contact at 06/16.

He basically let me know on 06/14 that something was up, as when I came home from work, he mentioned that he was called in for overtime and he was still deciding if he wanted it. But as he told me this, he was walking away from me (couldn't face me). It was also odd because when the Sargent calls people in, they don't give you time to think about it. It struck me as odd, but I went about taking care of the kids and getting him supper.
As he ate his supper, I asked him if he was going in, and he said yes, he then went up to change. When he came back, I said that I didn't hear his phone ring from the Sargent calling back, and he said that he texted him. This is also strange, as they always call... I asked to see the text, and he got so nervous, that I knew something was up. He wouldn't leave me alone with his cell, and was following me around the house. I then opened up the call log, and he jumped across the room, and quickly swiped to delete a number. I am a redhead, and almost clocked him right then and there, or grabbed a kitchen knife.
The next exchange was as expected, him stuttering and not answering anything at all etc... I have now concluded that my gut is solid gold, and I will trust it forever! I kept calm, and he was sweating things badly. The kids were nearby, so I kept everything low key, I just wanted the facts! He said he was not going in to work the shift, so I told him fine, and to make the call in the kitchen so I could hear it, of course he didn't and slipped away while I was not looking. Based on all the facts, I knew in my heart what was going on. i also just knew that this was the night they were going to make it a physical affair.

The next 8 days were pretty rough, as he didn't say anything.
To further complicate things, he does have PTSD, and on that night, he had a breakdown on the floor of our bedroom. I was cold as ice, but told him no matter what, he had lots to live for and he needed to seek help for his issues, with or without me. He did call, and they got him in to see a counsellor the next day.

On 06/22, I was a few hours away for work, and called him on my drive. I told him that I knew what was going on (even though I didn't really), and I relayed what I though it was, which turned out was exactly what it was. I told him I wasn't sleeping, and I needed the truth. He said we could talk when I got home.

He indeed told me everything, and answered all of my millions of questions. Some things I had to ask a few times to get my answers, but I am pretty sure he got it all out. He then proceeded to sleep like a baby as the stress of all his lies and deceit was out.
I fell apart that night and felt the worst pain i have ever felt. Of course, there are so many more details, but for now, that is all I have to write.

I spent last weekend downloading and reading Surviving an Affair, and that is the plan I am referring to. I work quite easily with checklists, so until I read the book, I thought there would be no way to save my marriage (nor did I care to save it). Since I finished the book already, he is reading it now, and is happy to do anything the book says needs to happen. He blocked her number, deleted whatsapp, added GPS tracking and key logger, these were his ideas. I told him that since I don't even trust him anymore, I don't even trust that he doesn't have a back-door app installed, so he told me to keep his phone... He is broken and wants to anything.

His behaviour has been unbelievable. He has been back to the man I knew, he is building back relationships with our kids, and they are loving it, dad's back! I live with the fear that he will go back to her, and also told him I would end our marriage if he did. I have read so many stories about how people stay stuck in this for ages, and I am not going to do that. I also told him that even if he slips up, I will know (now have VAR in his car, which is where he called her from), and a separate key logger that he doesn't know about. So far, there has been no contact from him to her, or her to him.

He has begun replacing all the times he used to spend on the phone with her, by calling me instead, and the talks have been really good.
We are doing all of the questionnaires, and spending time alone each day, which is very hard as I work M-F job, and he is 4 on 4 off (2 days, 2 nights). I am very glad she doesn't work with him, as he said he would have quit his job to save his marriage. OW has no other common friends with him, and lives in the city 30 min away, so we won't likely run into her.
I sent him the "addicts are liars" writing I saw on here somewhere, and told him I am regarding him in the way he treats the addicts he deals with at work, he agreed that is fine.

I quickly arranged a short "work trip" away, and he is coming with me, just to talk and go over our homework from the book.
On the 4 hour drive, we will also be stopping in his hometown to tell his parents. This will be hard on us, but necessary. When we return, we will tell our children as well. I said they need to know so they don't internalise things as kids tend to do.

So, ask any questions, I am open to sharing anything. Any advise can be passed to me as well.

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It sounds like you are doing a lot of things right. I would encourage you to also read the exposure thread and plan to do a better exposure. This is a very important step to holding him accountable and deterring him from contacting her again.

One big mistake I see you making is including him in many of your plans. For instance, he put gos and keylogger on his phone (I was happy to read that you also had some secret ones), he is involved in exposure, etc. If he continues contact, it will benefit him greatly to know your whole plan and how to circumvent it. Since you know it is an addiction, liken it to sharing plans for an intervention with an addict. He is not your partner in this unfortunately.

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1.He doesn't need to be involved in exposure. You need to tell everyone now.

2. You need to move. If 30 min away didn't stop him having an affair with her, it won't stop him now.

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From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.

Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

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Can you let us know what has been done on that checklist, and what is left to do?


Markos' Wife
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What to do with an Angry Husband

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In order for your marriage to recover, your husband will need to give you what Dr. Harley calls "Just Compensation."

Just Compensation in a Nutshell:
1. Ending all contact with the affair partner for life
Examples: NC letter, phone number changed, email changed ...

2. Removing the conditions that led to the affair (Extraordinary Precautions).
Examples: Facebook shutdown, Radical Honesty (no secret second life), job change, no more nights apart ...

3. Creating a romantic relationship using Marriage Builders concepts.
Examples: Eliminate Lovebusters, POJA, PORH, meet EN, UA time each week ...


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

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I took the checklist seriously, and am working through it.
No contact was set up before I confronted him.
He did the letter up, but I insisted on stuffing the letter in the envelope and watched him mail it (no trust now).
Phone blocked, no social media account, all done, and phone number changed. etc.
I just did exposure with my family, his family, and with our kids when we get home in Friday. He was on the calls as well (I don't remember if that was ok?)

I rearranged my work to get a two night getaway, and we just arrived at our hotel. WTF am I supposed to do now? It feels like "normal" except inside my head. He has been loving and supportive, but I keep waiting for any sign of something wrong.

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I also printed ALL the questionnaires and we are going through those tonight as well.

It just feels like playing house sometimes, and I am fearful of planning anything in the future in case he slips up. And I love planning things, so that is hard.

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You said they met at work on a call -- is that something that could happen again?

Do I understand correctly that his work requires him to spend the night a part from you?

Have you read about UA time? How much time are you getting alone together, and what are you doing during that time?

If she lives only 30 minutes away, you may need to move. And if he is working nights away from you, he should change jobs. Jobs that keep couples apart overnight are risky for marriages that haven't been touched by an affair, and they are incompatible with marriages recovering from an affair.

Do you have any religious leaders? If so, they should be told about the affair.


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
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What to do with an Angry Husband

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Since she is military, expose the affair to her command structure. Is she married? I didn't see anyone close to her on the exposure list.


BW - 65
WH - 60
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
DD - 44, DS - 30, DS - 23
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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Quote:
It just feels like playing house sometimes, and I am fearful of planning anything in the future in case he slips up.

What you need to plan is making your marriage affair-proof. Make it so that it would be impossible for either of you to have an affair without the other knowing immediately. This plan will do that for you.


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

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She is divorced. I am hoping she transfers quickly as she has no one for thousands of KM. I am not thinking it matters to expose at her work as it is no crime to them here.
He has the ability to not answer any calls to the military base, but again, I wouldn't know.
I also travel for work occasionally, and I do try to take the family, but sometimes the flights would be too much for all of us. I work long hours when away, and am usually only gone a few days.
He is now reading my post, as I said he has free access to my phone. The moving and changing jobs threw him for a loop, but he will if needed.

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How do you know she is divorced? Did you independently verify that information or did your husband tell you?

In most military, having an affair with a married person is against the code of uniformed military justice, even if the servicemember is not married. I am assuming you are not American, where it is clearly against the code and her command could issue a no contact order preventing her from contacting your husband.

The main point is that there is no exposure on her side. She is free to contact your husband anytime she likes. And you're right, you wouldn't know because they can meet up during work.

You have made a huge mistake in telling your husband about this site. Read the "False Recovery" thread to understand what happens when a betrayed spouse prematurely trusts their wayward husband/wife.

BTW, my husband also had PTSD from his military deployments. It was tricky to tease out PTSD from affair fog. Much of his behavior was related to the affair, and not a manifestation of his PTSD, i.e. he acted to any other run-of-the-mill wayward. And PTSD should not be afforded as an excuse to have an affair.


BW - 65
WH - 60
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
DD - 44, DS - 30, DS - 23
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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I was thinking the same. How do you know she's divorced? Who on her side did you expose to?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Have you seen this and listened to the clips in here? What is Just Compensation?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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In my country, the records are only available by either party involved or by court order. That is quite frustrating for me. I have rented villas in the US before, and
I could find out every single thing about the house and it's owner in 5 minutes online...
I will read on false recovery now, as that is exactly my fear, and why I remain so guarded.

I see the PTSD as a separate issue as well.

Should
I am even bother going over the questionnaires we did separately? Or should .I be waiting for discussions? I thought we were supposed to do it during our daily time?

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Originally Posted By: BrainHurts
I was thinking the same. How do you know she's divorced? Who on her side did you expose to?


I have no one to expose on her side. She is alone here, no social media, no common friends. I can call her work, but I can't see what they can do, as they will not do anything to her professionally...

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