You need evidence of an affair. You don't have that yet. Is the OM coming to your summer home? Does she meet him somewhere from the summer home? That is what you need to find out.


We agree that you need to get the evidence and expose the affair.


That is cute and winsome but a major distraction at a critical time. She doesn't need "counseling" she needs to end her affair and follow a program of marriage recovery. We have that here.


NO ONE agrees with this.


Of course not. Even tho this is a sexual affair, you are very unlikely to get such evidence. You might get evidence of them meeting at a hotel or your summer home, but very doubtful you would get evidence of them actually having sex.

No chance at the summer home. Its 3 hours away. She is not leaving our kids up there

Why wouldn't she be able to hook up with him? I don't understand what you are saying? Even the dumbest person could figure out how to make that happen.

Are you able to focus enough to get evidence? Or are you just dismissing the advice because you believe the OM can't drive 3 hours to meet her? I understand there are some parts of outer Siberia that don't have cars, but even many of those places have donkeys and horses. Are you in a place that does not have cars?

Omg. No!! We are talking about a person who is employed, with a wife, and three kids. Is it absolutely possible for him to cut out of work. Drive three hours for them to meet. Of course. But i am realistic. That is highly improbable. WW is not leaving the kids alone for any significant amount of time. Not like at home when she uses excises like going to work, getting administrative work stuff done, errands, or socializing with "co-workers" or friends. Who I know exist. But are very close. So no. I don't think any meeting is going on there.

I am here working and she is there with our kids. Not to mention. If it was possible he made it up there How would you like me to investigate that? Or tell her she cant go there? Is that realistic? I need to be focused. Yes. She will be back.

Before the exposure. How much evidence is enough? I re-read today, expose as soon as the affair is known about. Im not an idiot. I know about it and they were seen together. Multiple times.

I am willing to do what I need to get more. But has anyone lived a calm, cool, and collected life while putting the extra evidence together. Not easy. Not a whole lot of testimonials here. Certainly alot of distracting accusations of me ignoring it, overlooking it, not acting on it. If i could just flip open a computer or cell phone. Grab the evidence. And expose. Wouldn't that be great. Yes. It was not handled the beat way the first time. People certainly keep mentioning that, well isnt that obvious now!! Thanks I am living this life with a lying and cheating wife. I get it.

When will she be back?


She can bring the OM right in the house and do anything. And she can leave the kids alone if need be. Why would being with the kids stop her? I don't understand because its not like they know anything.

I have saved my marriage but I am not here to give you a "testimonial;" but to help you save your marriage. That is what you asked for, right?



This is a distracting comment. If someone tell you this, you need to listen. You are the least objective person on this thread. If posters feel you are ignoring the advice or being cocky they will stop posting to you.

No, not possible for him to come into the home. There is no excuse for her to leave the kids for alone up there for any period of time. They are together 24/7. I am going there Sat. And we will all be home Wednesday or Thursday till Saturday. I would imagine she will see him then. Even if its the casual parking lot meet ups to smoke. They are both closet smokers.

It wasnt like she was going out every week during the evenings with these crazy stories. It was like once or twice a month. I really do believe its an emotional affair as much as sex or more so. She most likely enjoys talking to him. He is not a sense of reality. Its a break from kids and life stresses. (Although I personally would be stressed out running around and lying). I dont believe he has any intention of ever leaving his family for her and combining families. Its a get away from their lives. I am sure there are plenty of cases where one of the parties involved is single and looking to break up a marriage. This is not that. That I'm sure of.

So this is a start. You could have the PI watch them when you think they will meet up. How do you think she communicates with him?

My kids are already suspicious of her disappearing acts when she is home. She tells me she is smoking. Which is partially true. Im sure she is smoking, but with him. I get it. I am facing this head on. It didnt start yesterday, yes I made mistakes. I am here to get it straight.

But as you have said. Meeting in public. And having a smoke is not enough. Even with a no contact agreement

How come?

You have now 11 pages of advice from people, many who have saved their own marriages after an affair by following MB advice. You have yet to take action. You have given a lot of lip service to the fact that you can't do this or can't do that, but you have not *problem solved* how you can do it. And you certainly haven't done it.

People bring up the fact that you did nothing last time, because as we speak you have done nothing NOW. We have people on this forum, with little technical ability, with WAY less information than you have about the OM and BW, who found a way. They found a way to get information, to install spyware, to install a VAR, to get a PI on it, to get contact info for the AP's spouse. Sugarcane told you how she did this when her husband was having an affair with someone in an other country who she did not even have a full name for. People have gotten the evidence and done a full blown exposure within days. They have not had to play house for a whole summer because when you are serious about getting evidence you will. You won't even check the phone log because she 'probably' didn't use that. You don't even know!

Do you want to do this or do you want to keep making excuses as to why it can't happen in New York, how magically we must have all had it easier than you do. You can get this done when you become serious about it. Right now I see a man who does not want to find solutions to his obstacles. Nobody can get this figured out for you.

1. Get the evidence. Nobody said this had to be a photo of them having sex. Spyware on her phone would get evidence in a day I bet.

2. Do a FULL exposure. I know you are planning some partial exposure so you don't have to tell your mutual friends. I think this is denial that your entire life is going to change, like you can just quietly make it go away and resume normal life with these people. I think it is a mistake. This is your second go around with what is now a long term entrenched affair. You can not afford to do partial anything.

By phone. Probably listed under a friends name. Im not phone savy. Her iphone buzzes at times and no message notification. I have asked before. And she said. Oh that is an email message. Idk for sure. But she is protective of the phone

I cant get on her phone. That simple. She is 175 miles away What do you suggest that I do????

I don't have her Itunes password. Or anything like that. Do you have a way to get spyware on her phone without touching it. Or having the password?? Please help. That would be great.

What is the quoting?. Should I avoid my kids? I dont get it. Yes its my house too.