My name is Eric and my wife and I just celebrated our first anniversary in April. She also changed jobs right around this time, same occupation, different workplace. My wife works with all men so the new job meant new men. Shortly after she started her new job, we had an argument one night after going out with friends. The bomb was dropped, I was told, "I don't know if I can do this anymore (be married). I am a pursuer and my wife is a distancer. I automatically went into panic mode. I smothered her for weeks, accused her of infidelity, contacted her mother (which she said was the worst thing in the world). She swears up and down that another man is the last thing on her mind. However, text messages I read has lead me to believe that she may have had an emotional affair with a co-worker. The distance has grown and she said she has emotionally detached herself from me so she won't be hurt anymore. I've done quite a bit of self reflecting and realize that I've been wrong and made mistakes. However, even admiring these mistakes hasn't repaired things. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Hi erk, welcome to Marriage Builders. The problem is your wife's lifestyle. Your instincts are telling you something is wrong and they are probably right. I would suggest you start snooping to find out what she is doing. She is likely having an affair but you need to get the FACTS to rule it in or out.

So, start there. Get the facts and stop accusing. We will help you with next steps.

Thank you melody. I suppose I have to give you some history and background. I also have a thirteen year old daughter. She and my wife used to be very close but right now she barely speaks to her. My wife came from a big family, one of eight kids. We always planned on having multiple children. We started trying right after we got married in April of last year but it didn't happen. I assumed when it didn't it wasn't a huge deal at the time and we could just wait until we bought our house which we did in January. After some of the arguments took place in the past two months, my wife has made it clear that she had been trying much longer than I thought we were. She's also made comments that lead me to believe here's been jealousy of the relationship I have with my daughter. That being said, I think it lead to resentment. As far as a physical affair, I'm fairly confident that it hasn't happened. I've done my share of snooping. I even went so far as to put a gps on her car. However, I believe she may have developed some emotional attachments to someone else during this mess in the past two months. My wife and I have a history of being somewhat controlling. I know hat personally, I have been. I've been cheated on before so I suppose I always fear that it will happen again. When my wife started her new job, we had opposite days (nights) off. She never had this much time off at her last job so she went out with mutual friends a few times. I made the mistake of making a big deal about this. I believe this is what started the entire problem. She's told me that she really got to see the real me now that she's not stuck working 70 hrs a week.

Do you have spyware on all her devices? Have you put a VAR in her vehicle?

@brainhurts
For the first few weeks of fighting she kept her passcode the same on her phone so I used to go through it almost daily. She uses Snapchat but not with just one guy or one person. We both have multiple men and women in Snapchat (I know it's not a good idea). Since then she's changed her passcode so I'm unable to have access to it. I think that rules out using spyware unless someone knows a way to get into an iCloud without the password. I recently removed the gps from the car. For weeks she's done nothing but go back and forth to work and the gym. I found it consuming me, and my lack of trust is deff part of the problem according to her. I've watched where she's gone so much that I believe a physics affair would have been impossible. You never know though.

She sounds like a very controlling person so it is interesting that she would call you controlling. Forcing you to tolerate her going out with friends is controlling. Most spouses would have a HUGE problem with their spouse going out at night so I am not surprised you made a big deal about it.

Did you read my post about a possible affair? And the advice to start snooping? You wouldn't know if she is having a physical affair because you are not snooping. However, you stated in your original post that you saw evidence of an affair in a text so I am unclear why you would make the point about there not being a "physical affair." An affair is an affair.


So you are well aware of the signs. People who have been in car accidents are more careful and fearful because they are more aware of the risks.


A disaster for marriages. When spouses work opposing shifts, this is the likely result. They grow apart and develop independent lifestyles.


A complaint is an opportunity for improvement in a good marriage and an irritation in a bad marriage. If my H was upset about me going out with friends, I would not go out with friends because my marriage is more important than my friendships. The problem here is your wife is engaging in thoughtless, independent behavior.

I think you want to believe there is no physical affair but you don't know. Can you hire a PI? She is hiding something. People who have nothing to hide don't hide.

How long have you known her? How did you meet her? Have either of you had affairs in the past?

I did snoop, a lot. GPS on the car for a month. She went no where but work and the gym and a golf tournament. I was checking her phone on a regular basis up until a few weeks ago. She found out I went in her Snapchat and blocked people. She's not the most mature person and doesn't know how to be married I think. She's had more male friends her entire life and not had physical relationships with them. The opposite schedule was deff a killer and I didn't realize it. I get a lot of extra time off at work and I wasn't really making an attempt to take it off with her. I can't really expect her to sit home alone every night right? I suppose if I didn't have my daughter in my days off I'd prob have more of a social life too.

There's no where for me to have the PI follow her. She doesn't go anywhere except work and the gym. We both work in the same profession and you can't have a physical affair while at work. I had a short affair in my last marriage so I know what it takes to make it happen. Maybe it happened once that I missed? If that's the case I'd find it hard to believe it wouldn't continue. We had sex a few weeks ago too and I didn't initiate it. It wasn't until she went out drinking playing golf all day and me calling her mother that she became this distant. She's always tried to kee our business private and I exposed all of it.

You could arrange your life so you spend the evenings together.

Why not? We have had many, many people who had sexual affairs at work. Many said they were at work and hooked up at a hotel.

The bottom line is that she is hiding something on her phone and you need to find out what?

Was she married when you met her? Were you married? Your marriage has fallen into a bad place so quickly for such a young marriage. How is that? What are your ages?

I did this. The first few weeks, we spent some time together and it wasn't bad. Then she expressed that she wanted some time with her friends too. Like a golf tournament, a cookout at her friend's house, and a Red Sox game with a bunch of people from work. She drank pretty heavily every time and I ended up drinking on these nights too. We ended up bringing up serious issues when we were drunk, argued, said some nasty things, and each time it carried into the morning. I blamed much of the arguing on alcohol. About two weeks ago, she said she wasn't going out and drinking anymore, that's about the only thing she thinks would possibly salvage our marriage, no drinking. Since then we went out and had a few drinks once or twice but together, no fighting. However, even though she stopped going out and drinking so much, she put up an emotional wall. When I asked her to go out to dinner a few times she said she felt like I was pressuring her. I don't know if she needs more space, time to think, or what.

The first things I would do is

1. rearrange your lives so you are together every night.
2. stop drinking and stay out of bars
3. install spyware on her phone to see what she is hiding

It sounds like drinking is a huge problem in your marriage and I agree it should be stopped.


Do you have a bathroom? She could go in there and "think." I think most people can think just about any place, though.

Did she tell you she needed "space to think" or are you repeating a phrase you have heard?

Not space to think, just space. Again, I've smothered her since this has all happened. Repeated conversations, I've cried to her. She isolates big time. She even used to do that when we were super happy and she was PMSing. It's safe to say that in the past few weeks I've read a lot about marriage, differences in people, differences in men and women, etc.. From what I can understand, she's a distancer and I'm a Persuer. Often times it's the women who is the persuer but not in my case. When all this happened, I raised my voice, a lot. She grew up in a home and never saw her parents argue not one time. When I spoke to her mother, she didn't agree with everything either one of us has done but she also suggested giving her space. She said when she and her husband disagree or she's angry she just doesn't talk to him. Seems very strange to me but everyone is different I guess. And how can I install spyware without the passcode to the phone.

What it sounds like is that she is having an affair and is checked out. When a woman is having an affair, her lovebank will be closed off to you because it is open to someone else. It is not any more complicated than that so I would avoid trying to psychoanalyzing her. If you investigate, you will find she is having an affair.

go read up in the Operation Investigate forum.


It is usually the man who is the pursuer and the woman is the pursued. Most men get turned off by women who pursue and most women get turned off by men they have to pursue. I am not sure where you got information that said otherwise, but the advice we give here comes from Dr Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders.