Just found this site and was overjoyed that it put words to the feelings I have had over the years when my wife and I have experienced difficult times during our 30 year marriage. We have gotten to the point where we are basically empty nesters. I told my wife that after decades of hard work I was hoping we could prioritze us, make work a lower priority and not sign up for any new commitments so we could use our new freedom to do what we wanted with little planning or notice. We both volunteer for a veteran related organization and work on the same committee fixing wheelchairs. However, she wanted to run for a board position that would require lots of meetings and work that she would do on her own. I reminded her of my hope to focus more on us. She said she wanted to do it and got the position. I have struggled to deal with what I felt was a serious betrayal of our partnership. Looking for a solution I found marriage builders. The POJA seemed like a godsend. I really got excited by the info on the website. We are seeing a counselor and I brought up the marriage builders info and the POJA. My wife hates the POJA and refuses to even read any of the literature. How should I proceed?

Welcome to MB and yes you are right, the POJA would be exactly the right way to solve this problem. However, you are not going to be able to use it. You cannot just take one feature of MB without the rest of the programme. You have to put all the pieces together.

Your wife, understandably, suspects that you have found (and are now wanting to use) this magic new thing called the POJA. She suspects that you will use it to force her to agree with your point of view. Each time we do that to our spouse, he or she loses a bit more love (we call it a love buster).

To make matters worse, you are trying to educate her by asking her to read the MB literature. This absolutely will not work and in fact will further damage your fragile relationship. Trying to educate your spouse is a disrespectful judgement.

There is absolutely no need for your wife to read any of the literature at this time. You need to ditch the counselor and use MB to entice your wife back into the marriage. You will do that by making time with you more enjoyable than anything else in your lives. That means stopping the love busters and going out on dates doing something that you both love doing and where you meet each other's top emotional needs. Remember how you courted your wife before marriage? You need to do that again. The POJA is a long way down the road at this stage. First your wife needs to fall back in love with you.

Have you actually read the MB material yourself?

Hi umpmod, I would caution you against using the POJA to get your way with your wife. POJA is one spoke of a much bigger wheel, but more importantly, it is voluntary. My H and I employ the POJA because we are in love and want to protect the romantic love in our marriage. Your wife can get to that point too if you sell her on this program instead of selling it as a way to control her.

I would read the book, Fall in Love, Stay in Love and get a good understanding of the program. Once you understand it, you can SELL the benefits to your wife. The main benefit is that the steps will lead to a passionate, romantic marriage.

You can also listen to the daily radio show where Dr Harley and Joyce address various issues. You can download the app on your phone or listen at the link at the top of each page.

What do you do in your counseling sessions Do you attend them together?

Have you read the basic concepts? Listen to this radio clip. Radio Clip of Dr. Harley going over his ten basic concepts