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The weird thing is that everything was going great until a couple months ago. We used POJA all the time without issue. His attitude shifted when he made that new friend. But you aren't using POJA at all. POJA is an approach, not something you just use every once in a while. The POJA requires that you both accept and agree you should never do anything without the enthusiastic agreement of the other. IT requires a spirit of good will where you want the other one to WIN. The outcome of the POJA is win/win but that is not how it is being used here. Your H doesn't feel that way and doesn't care when you are upset. Otherwise you would't be on here asking us "am I right to be upset?" That misses the point entirely because the basis of the POJA is a concern that your spouse never be upset, not whether they have a "right" to be upset. When a couple uses POJA, it becomes 2nd nature with the goal of always finding mutually satisfying decisions. It had become second nature until his attitude changed about two months ago. When he became friends with that guy. They got all buddy buddy at a graduation party we attended. Since then they are texting all the time and he always asking H to do stuff. Now H has become a big d bag.
Last edited by hurtagainbydavid; 07/29/17 05:22 PM.
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Reading your old posts, it seems like nothing has changed in all these years. Your husband still demands "alone" time, still watches porn, still doesn't seem to care and refuses to spend UA time with you. I hope that Dr Harley can help you.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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It had become second nature until his attitude changed about two months ago. When he became friends with that guy. They got all buddy buddy at a graduation party we attended. Since then they are texting all the time and he always asking H to do stuff. Now H has become a big d bag. This is the neighbor he visited last night?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com.When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the rebroadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will be called by us to explain the procedure to you. Every caller will receive a complementary book by Dr. Harley that addresses their question. Thank you! Are all questions answered? Yes all questions are answered and I believe Joyce will email you with a link when your question is answered.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I remember this was explained to you years ago and Joyce even told you on the radio show it was bad for marriage. Which is why we stopped. He did not stop. [/quote] Well, I'll ask him and check his phone. I don't think that is the problem. Again, the attitude change happened when he made that new friend. The "friend" is a total [censored] and treats his wife like crap. Last night he sent my H a text of some woman and commented on her behind. He disgusts me! H shrugs and thinks he's funny. Ugh!!
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It had become second nature until his attitude changed about two months ago. When he became friends with that guy. They got all buddy buddy at a graduation party we attended. Since then they are texting all the time and he always asking H to do stuff. Now H has become a big d bag. This is the neighbor he visited last night? No, it's a different neighbor.
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[
Well, I'll ask him and check his phone. I don't think that is the problem. Again, the attitude change happened when he made that new friend. The "friend" is a total [censored] and treats his wife like crap. Last night he sent my H a text of some woman and commented on her behind. He disgusts me! H shrugs and thinks he's funny. Ugh!! I wouldn't ask him since you already know. The porn is not the main problem, but it is a SYMPTOM of your larger issue which is that your H engages in independent behavior and doesn't use the POJA. If he followed the POJA, he would never use porn again.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Well, I'll ask him and check his phone. I don't think that is the problem. Again, the attitude change happened when he made that new friend. The "friend" is a total [censored] and treats his wife like crap. Last night he sent my H a text of some woman and commented on her behind. He disgusts me! H shrugs and thinks he's funny. Ugh!! I wouldn't ask him since you already know. The porn is not the main problem, but it is a SYMPTOM of your larger issue which is that your H engages in independent behavior and doesn't use the POJA. If he followed the POJA, he would never use porn again. Well, I just texted H asking if he wants to work on this marriage and he said yes. I suggested rereading Love Busters together and he said he wants to do that. Love Busters has a chapter on independent behavior. So we will see what happens.
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Have you told him how you feel about this friend and that he isn't a friend of marriage?
Does he admit he has IB or argue with you about it and say it's you?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Well, I just texted H asking if he wants to work on this marriage and he said yes. I suggested rereading Love Busters together and he said he wants to do that. Love Busters has a chapter on independent behavior. So we will see what happens. Suggestion: You have been at this now for YEARS and are no further along than when you began. It is because you haven't set the bar very high. Why not accept that do it yourself has not worked and get some help from Dr Harley?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Well, I just texted H asking if he wants to work on this marriage and he said yes. I suggested rereading Love Busters together and he said he wants to do that. Love Busters has a chapter on independent behavior. So we will see what happens. Suggestion: You have been at this now for YEARS and are no further along than when you began. It is because you haven't set the bar very high. Why not accept that do it yourself has not worked and get some help from Dr Harley? I'm going to email Dr Harley, but is there a way to get additional help from him?
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Have you told him how you feel about this friend and that he isn't a friend of marriage?
Does he admit he has IB or argue with you about it and say it's you? Yes, and ever since I told him that his attitude changed. Yes, it's always me. I'm controlling and overreact.
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Well, I just texted H asking if he wants to work on this marriage and he said yes. I suggested rereading Love Busters together and he said he wants to do that. Love Busters has a chapter on independent behavior. So we will see what happens. Suggestion: You have been at this now for YEARS and are no further along than when you began. It is because you haven't set the bar very high. Why not accept that do it yourself has not worked and get some help from Dr Harley? I'm going to email Dr Harley, but is there a way to get additional help from him? If I were you, I would ask him to help persuade your husband to fully commit to the program and then sign up for the online program if you can afford it. My H and I went through it in 2007 and it made all the difference. However, as long as your H is not willing to give up his lovebusters, ie: independent behavior, refusal to POJA, and general gaslighting, nothing will work.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Have you told him how you feel about this friend and that he isn't a friend of marriage?
Does he admit he has IB or argue with you about it and say it's you? Yes, and ever since I told him that his attitude changed. Yes, it's always me. I'm controlling and overreact. Yet, he is controlling YOU.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Have you told him how you feel about this friend and that he isn't a friend of marriage?
Does he admit he has IB or argue with you about it and say it's you? Yes, and ever since I told him that his attitude changed. Yes, it's always me. I'm controlling and overreact. Yet, he is controlling YOU. I agree! But, he honestly feels that I am committing a love buster too by making selfish demands that he shouldn't hang out with his friend.
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Well, I just texted H asking if he wants to work on this marriage and he said yes. I suggested rereading Love Busters together and he said he wants to do that. Love Busters has a chapter on independent behavior. So we will see what happens. Suggestion: You have been at this now for YEARS and are no further along than when you began. It is because you haven't set the bar very high. Why not accept that do it yourself has not worked and get some help from Dr Harley? I'm going to email Dr Harley, but is there a way to get additional help from him? If I were you, I would ask him to help persuade your husband to fully commit to the program and then sign up for the online program if you can afford it. My H and I went through it in 2007 and it made all the difference. However, as long as your H is not willing to give up his lovebusters, ie: independent behavior, refusal to POJA, and general gaslighting, nothing will work. I'll see if he'll do the online program. Does Dr. Harley see people in person? We actually don't live far from him.
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Have you told him how you feel about this friend and that he isn't a friend of marriage?
Does he admit he has IB or argue with you about it and say it's you? Yes, and ever since I told him that his attitude changed. Yes, it's always me. I'm controlling and overreact. Yet, he is controlling YOU. I agree! But, he honestly feels that I am committing a love buster too by making selfish demands that he shouldn't hang out with his friend. I also had an angry outburst last night and I'm sure he will throw that in my face too now.
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I agree! But, he honestly feels that I am committing a love buster too by making selfish demands that he shouldn't hang out with his friend. A selfish demand is when you demand your spouse DO something, not when you ask him to STOP doing something that upsets you. He doesn't understand the definition of a selfish demand. It would be like asking your spouse to stop beating you. Does he think it would be a selfish demand to ask your spouse to stop beating you? Remember the rule of the POJA: never do anything without the enthusiastic agreement of your spouse. When he hangs out with his friend, he is not only violating the POJA, he is committing the lovebuster of independent behavior. Did you explain this to him?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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[
I'll see if he'll do the online program. Does Dr. Harley see people in person? We actually don't live far from him. No, but Dr H oversees the online program and you would be assigned a coach who works with you.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I agree! But, he honestly feels that I am committing a love buster too by making selfish demands that he shouldn't hang out with his friend. A selfish demand is when you demand your spouse DO something, not when you ask him to STOP doing something that upsets you. He doesn't understand the definition of a selfish demand. It would be like asking your spouse to stop beating you. Does he think it would be a selfish demand to ask your spouse to stop beating you? Remember the rule of the POJA: never do anything without the enthusiastic agreement of your spouse. When he hangs out with his friend, he is not only violating the POJA, he is committing the lovebuster of independent behavior. Did you explain this to him? I'm not as good with words as you are, but yes. I do a lot of things without him when he is at work (I'm a stay at home Mom). Just Thursday I went to the water park with a girlfriend and our kids and H had no problem with it. I also go to dinner with my girlfriends every couple months, so he doesn't think it's fair that I don't want him hanging out with his d bag friend.
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