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I'm not as good with words as you are, but yes.
I do a lot of things without him when he is at work (I'm a stay at home Mom). Just Thursday I went to the water park with a girlfriend and our kids and H had no problem with it. I also go to dinner with my girlfriends every couple months, so he doesn't think it's fair that I don't want him hanging out with his d bag friend. And your response?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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If he is bothered by this, then stop doing it. The goal isn't "fairness" but to eliminate behavior that bothers your spouse.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I'm not as good with words as you are, but yes.
I do a lot of things without him when he is at work (I'm a stay at home Mom). Just Thursday I went to the water park with a girlfriend and our kids and H had no problem with it. I also go to dinner with my girlfriends every couple months, so he doesn't think it's fair that I don't want him hanging out with his d bag friend. And your response? Well I told him the difference is that I don't think the friend is a good influence on him. I don't like the way he treats his wife and his general disrespect of women. I told him if I'm not enthusiastic about him being around the guy without me then he shouldn't do it out of respect for my feelings. I also told him that if he isn't enthusiastic about me doing something without him, then I wouldn't do it. The thing is, he wants me doing things with people while he is at work, so I'm not sitting home alone.
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[
Well I told him the difference is that I don't think the friend is a good influence on him. I don't like the way he treats his wife and his general disrespect of women. I told him if I'm not enthusiastic about him being around the guy without me then he shouldn't do it out of respect for my feelings. I also told him that if he isn't enthusiastic about me doing something without him, then I wouldn't do it. The thing is, he wants me doing things with people while he is at work, so I'm not sitting home alone. You got it! Since he doesn't think it's "fair" you should just stop doing it. I would also point out that since you have hardly any time together, I would not be squandering it on friends. What a waste of valuable time that could be better spent together.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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If he is bothered by this, then stop doing it. The goal isn't "fairness" but to eliminate behavior that bothers your spouse. I wouldn't do anything that he wasn't enthusiastic about. He likes that I have friends. He doesn't like me sitting home by myself. I think he is just frustrated that I don't like his friend. The baseball game last week was a huge turning point. The friend invited him and already had tickets, but he didn't go because I wasn't happy about it. Things went from bad to worse after that.
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If he is bothered by this, then stop doing it. The goal isn't "fairness" but to eliminate behavior that bothers your spouse. I wouldn't do anything that he wasn't enthusiastic about. He likes that I have friends. BUT, he told you he doesn't think its fair, so I would stop doing it. You should agree not to do anything he feels is not "fair." POJA means you find solutions that make you both happy, so instead of you going out with your friends and him going out with his friend, look for a THIRD soltution that suits you both. Negotiations in the POJA are basically OVER before they start if either of you come into it with a preformed idea.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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[
Well I told him the difference is that I don't think the friend is a good influence on him. I don't like the way he treats his wife and his general disrespect of women. I told him if I'm not enthusiastic about him being around the guy without me then he shouldn't do it out of respect for my feelings. I also told him that if he isn't enthusiastic about me doing something without him, then I wouldn't do it. The thing is, he wants me doing things with people while he is at work, so I'm not sitting home alone. You got it! Since he doesn't think it's "fair" you should just stop doing it. I would also point out that since you have hardly any time together, I would not be squandering it on friends. What a waste of valuable time that could be better spent together. For the most part I'm only doing things with friends when he is at work. He WANTS me to do that so I'm not lonely. Otherwise, I went to dinner with my girlfriends one time in the last 4 months and I made sure he was happy about it before I went. Do you think I should stop doing things with friends altogether, or just when he isn't at work?
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For the most part I'm only doing things with friends when he is at work. He WANTS me to do that so I'm not lonely. Otherwise, I went to dinner with my girlfriends one time in the last 4 months and I made sure he was happy about it before I went. Do you think I should stop doing things with friends altogether, or just when he isn't at work? You should get his feelings on it. If he feels it is "unfair," then stop doing it. You won't be lonely if he becomes better at meeting your needs. If you are meeting each others needs on a daily basis, neither of you will be lonely.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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The baseball game last week was a huge turning point. The friend invited him and already had tickets, but he didn't go because I wasn't happy about it. Things went from bad to worse after that. For someone that doesn't have enough time to give you UA, he sure has plenty of time to waste with his friends ...
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Your husband needs to commit to:
1. 15 hours of UA each week, out of the house, away from the children and friends
2. No more independent behavior. POJA is the rule.
3. When you are not enthusiastic, he doesn't punish you with his resentment. Instead, he works with you to find something ELSE to do together that you both will enjoy. This thing can be completely unrelated. Example:
1. He wants to go to the movies with his friends.
2. You don't. You want to go to the park together, with the kids.
3. You negotiate, and you get a babysitter and go out to dinner instead. He won't. It's hopeless. Thanks for the advice, but I think he is a lost cause. If he won't commit to those things, then you are just spinning your wheels. I wouldn't ask him to join me in the online program, I'd insist on it. And if the answer is anything but "yes," you should plan for a separation.
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The baseball game last week was a huge turning point. The friend invited him and already had tickets, but he didn't go because I wasn't happy about it. Things went from bad to worse after that. For someone that doesn't have enough time to give you UA, he sure has plenty of time to waste with his friends ... Agreed
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Your husband needs to commit to:
1. 15 hours of UA each week, out of the house, away from the children and friends
2. No more independent behavior. POJA is the rule.
3. When you are not enthusiastic, he doesn't punish you with his resentment. Instead, he works with you to find something ELSE to do together that you both will enjoy. This thing can be completely unrelated. Example:
1. He wants to go to the movies with his friends.
2. You don't. You want to go to the park together, with the kids.
3. You negotiate, and you get a babysitter and go out to dinner instead. He won't. It's hopeless. Thanks for the advice, but I think he is a lost cause. If he won't commit to those things, then you are just spinning your wheels. I wouldn't ask him to join me in the online program, I'd insist on it. And if the answer is anything but "yes," you should plan for a separation. BINGO!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Well, H got home from work and seems happy with rereading Dr. Harley's books. That worked for 6 years, so maybe we just need a refresher. I don't know. kids are in bed, we just had IC and now we are playing dominoes. Going to read later. We will see.
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Last night went well. We reread Dr Harley's basic concepts. H wants to do the emotional needs worksheet and start keeping track of UA time. I'm surprised he is being so agreeable. He was surprised that I'm so unhappy because he says he is extremely happy with our marriage. He felt bad. I need to be more open and honest.
If this doesn't work we are going to do the phone coaching. Does anyone know how much it is because it doesn't say on the website?
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Last night went well. We reread Dr Harley's basic concepts. H wants to do the emotional needs worksheet and start keeping track of UA time. I'm surprised he is being so agreeable. He was surprised that I'm so unhappy because he says he is extremely happy with our marriage. He felt bad. I need to be more open and honest.
If this doesn't work we are going to do the phone coaching. Does anyone know how much it is because it doesn't say on the website? Your post is all hat and no cattle. Basically, your stated action steps above are: 1. filling out the EN questionaire and 2. "keeping track of UA time." A big nothing burger that doesn't resolve the biggest issues in your marriage, which are lovebusters and not getting enough UA time. Put aside the EN questionaire and fill out the lovebuster questionaire. Tell him which of his lovebusters are making you so unhappy. TELL HIM. Print up the UA worksheet and schedule out 4 - 4 hour dates for the week. It is here In order to put this policy into action, you have to SCHEDULE, not "keep track" of what you were already doing. You have already tried that trick. IT DOESN'T WORK. Couples who fail this program, flunk this step. They never change their lives, they just try and "count" what they were already doing. That never works because nothing ever changes, unless you.....change your habits. This program does not work if you don't get this step right. You are not going to make changes by beating around the bush with window dressing initiatives. That is why your marriage is in the same bad place today as it was when you arrived years ago. Did your H commit to the list made by Prisca? Your husband needs to commit to:
1. 15 hours of UA each week, out of the house, away from the children and friends
2. No more independent behavior. POJA is the rule.
3. When you are not enthusiastic, he doesn't punish you with his resentment. Instead, he works with you to find something ELSE to do together that you both will enjoy. This thing can be completely unrelated. Example:
1. He wants to go to the movies with his friends.
2. You don't. You want to go to the park together, with the kids.
3. You negotiate, and you get a babysitter and go out to dinner instead If this doesn't work we are going to do the phone coaching. It DIDN'T WORK in 6 years! Do-it-yourself does not work for you. You already know this so this new effort is another futile attempt at kick the can down the road. The program you need is $945 and it is a weekly course with Dr Harley's staff that lasts a year: Program #3 The Marriage Builders Program
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Our program for recovery only works when it's followed. The 15 hours of undivided attention we recommend is an essential part of the program because it provides the opportunity to meet emotional needs that cannot be met any other way. [u]There are lots of excuses for failing to follow that aspect of our program, but in the end, failure to follow it results in a failed recovery[/u]. We can give you the framework for UA, and tell you how it should be done, but we can't find the 25 hours for you. We don't know your schedule. We don't know your kids. We don't know what your husband does for a living, what time he leaves for work (if he leaves) and what time he gets home. We don't know if you have friends, if you have a church, or a synagogue, or a mosque, or none-of-the-above. We don't know if you have family near by, or friends, or people you can trust to watch your kids.
So, we can't come up with a plan for you.
What we can do, though, is tell you that YOU can find the time. Everybody can, if they will put the marriage FIRST.
This is how you do it:
1. Set your marriage as a priority. You schedule your time together first, then fit everything else in around your scheduled time. Marriage first, THEN work, kids, church, school, friends, etc, etc, etc. Do this every Sunday, and plan out your week.
2. Make sure your time is in chunks of no less than 2 hours. Get out of the house 4 times a week, for 3-4 hours, to meet the Intimate Emotional needs. Yes, you can do this, if you plan.
3. Brainstorm ways to make it happen. This will take time. Your husband needs to be very involved in this process to make it work. The two of you will come up with solutions that best suit you and your family.
4. Schedule family time after you schedule UA time -- 15 hours a week that you and your husband spend with your kids.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Last night went well. We reread Dr Harley's basic concepts. H wants to do the emotional needs worksheet and start keeping track of UA time. I'm surprised he is being so agreeable. He was surprised that I'm so unhappy because he says he is extremely happy with our marriage. He felt bad. I need to be more open and honest.
If this doesn't work we are going to do the phone coaching. Does anyone know how much it is because it doesn't say on the website? Your post is all hat and no cattle. Basically, your stated action steps above are: 1. filling out the EN questionaire and 2. "keeping track of UA time." A big nothing burger that doesn't resolve the biggest issues in your marriage, which are lovebusters and not getting enough UA time. Put aside the EN questionaire and fill out the lovebuster questionaire. Tell him which of his lovebusters are making you so unhappy. TELL HIM. Print up the UA worksheet and schedule out 4 - 4 hour dates for the week. It is here In order to put this policy into action, you have to SCHEDULE, not "keep track" of what you were already doing. You have already tried that trick. IT DOESN'T WORK. Couples who fail this program, flunk this step. They never change their lives, they just try and "count" what they were already doing. That never works because nothing ever changes, unless you.....change your habits. This program does not work if you don't get this step right. You are not going to make changes by beating around the bush with window dressing initiatives. That is why your marriage is in the same bad place today as it was when you arrived years ago. Did your H commit to the list made by Prisca? Your husband needs to commit to:
1. 15 hours of UA each week, out of the house, away from the children and friends
2. No more independent behavior. POJA is the rule.
3. When you are not enthusiastic, he doesn't punish you with his resentment. Instead, he works with you to find something ELSE to do together that you both will enjoy. This thing can be completely unrelated. Example:
1. He wants to go to the movies with his friends.
2. You don't. You want to go to the park together, with the kids.
3. You negotiate, and you get a babysitter and go out to dinner instead If this doesn't work we are going to do the phone coaching. It DIDN'T WORK in 6 years! Do-it-yourself does not work for you. You already know this so this new effort is another futile attempt at kick the can down the road. The program you need is $945 and it is a weekly course with Dr Harley's staff that lasts a year: Program #3 The Marriage Builders Program Why do you think self help didn't work? We were extremely happy up until two months ago when we had a dispute regarding the friend. Why do you think self help won't get us back to that? Six years ago, we were basically in withdrawal after H affair, we used self help, and got to a state of intimacy for 6 years. We both understand we have been neglectful the last few months and that we need to do to get back to what worked for us. We are going to do the needs worksheet today. We also plan to do the love Busters worksheet and everything else on this website (that's free). We are also going to reread love Busters and his needs her needs. We will schedule UA time.
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Why do you think self help didn't work? We were extremely happy up until two months ago when we had a dispute regarding the friend. If it did work, you wouldn't be back here complaining that your H won't do the program. You don't understand the POJA, have never implemented the POUA and have never been able to get your husband on board. When Prisca listed out the issues, you said yourself yesterday that your H would never do those things. Then today you come back and say he agreed to "fill out the EN questionaire" - a complete distraction that doesn't address the issue. Please read my post again and follow that advice. We are going to do the needs worksheet today. We also plan to do the love Busters worksheet and everything else on this website (that's free). We are also going to reread love Busters and his needs her needs. We will schedule UA time. Like I said, put aside the EN worksheet [a needless distraction] and have the discussion that Prisca outlined. Stop wasting time reading books and go right to Lovebusters chapter on Independent Behavior. Print up the UA worksheet I linked. The issue isn't that your H doesn't understand the program, but that he WON'T do the steps.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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READ THIS POST AGAIN: Your husband needs to commit to:
1. 15 hours of UA each week, out of the house, away from the children and friends
2. No more independent behavior. POJA is the rule.
3. When you are not enthusiastic, he doesn't punish you with his resentment. Instead, he works with you to find something ELSE to do together that you both will enjoy. This thing can be completely unrelated. Example:
1. He wants to go to the movies with his friends.
2. You don't. You want to go to the park together, with the kids.
3. You negotiate, and you get a babysitter and go out to dinner instead. He won't. It's hopeless. Thanks for the advice, but I think he is a lost cause. If he won't commit to those things, then you are just spinning your wheels. I wouldn't ask him to join me in the online program, I'd insist on it. And if the answer is anything but "yes," you should plan for a separation.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Your husband needs to commit to:
1. 15 hours of UA each week, out of the house, away from the children and friends
2. No more independent behavior. POJA is the rule.
3. When you are not enthusiastic, he doesn't punish you with his resentment. Instead, he works with you to find something ELSE to do together that you both will enjoy. This thing can be completely unrelated. Example:
1. He wants to go to the movies with his friends.
2. You don't. You want to go to the park together, with the kids.
3. You negotiate, and you get a babysitter and go out to dinner instead. I wouldn't ask him to join me in the online program, I'd insist on it. And if the answer is anything but "yes," you should plan for a separation. Did you follow the advice above? Nowhere did Prisca or I tell you to get him to "fill out an EN questionaire" and "track UA time." That was your own idea. Instead it looks like you avoided the problem and just asked him to fill out a questionnaire. Filling out a questionnaire and reading a book is NOT A COMMITTMENT to take the neccessary steps to improve your marriage. It is a distraction. The main issue is your husbands commitment to do what is necessary to make you happy.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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