Hoping for some advice on how to approach the shortfalls in our marriage. We just recently started the His Needs/ Her Needs study program. We are about to discuss the first questionnaire. however I have severe reservations about this. My Wife is not an emotional person and is somewhat closed off when it comes to giving affection, etc.. or discussing feeling/emotions. She Also views most things with guilt. If I say you are not meeting X need/want as listed on the questionnaire she will take this negatively and be guilt ridden over it. In the past she has said things like great just another thing im not doing to please you or make you happy....
How do I present these needs in a way to help mitigate these types of reactions.

On the other side of it when she has chosen to try and work on something I have said it is done with reluctance in in a way where its made known that "well I am just doing this because YOU want me to not because I care to or want to make you happy." This in turn deletes any and all love deposits that would have been made.

I hope someone smarter and with better answers posts here.

What struck me is how she turns your needs into her issue. They are your needs! Making them about her guilt for not filling them distracts you from your request. I imagine you've dropped your needs when she does this, to keep from upsetting her. That's not guilt, that's manipulation.

A few questions for you.

Who found Marriage Builder and suggested you both try this?
Did she say she wants to save the marriage, as you obviously do?
What is the worst thing you can imagine happening as a result of this effort to repair your marriage? As hard as it would be, would you survive if that happened? If so, then you don't have to cave to her manipulations anymore.

From what I've seen, Marriage Builders can save marriages. The different programs can be very helpful. BUT, it takes two to want it to work and two to put in the effort. Otherwise, it's not really a marriage, it's a living arrangement that the law recognizes as marriage. And even Dr. Harley can't fix that.

If you can't be honest about this, because of your fears of her responses, then this can't work for you. If you can accept that she is likely to not respond well, but stay honest in your responses, success is more likely.

I suggest reading some of the articles and letters Dr. Harley has posted on this site. Especially about POJA. Imagine implementing that in your marriage.

How much UA time are you getting in a week?

Your wife sounds like she is checked out and not romantically in love. One of the keys to getting her back in love is to spend 15-25 hours a week of time where you are giving her your undivided attention, and filling the 4 most intimate EN's. Are you doing this?

What lovebuster do you do?

Hi, JandH,

I might have described my wife in much the same way you describe yours, when I first arrived. She didn't want to talk about our relationship or her feelings. They were just negative. And talking about it just made them more negative.

One thing I learned was that there was a LOT I could do to learn how to talk about problems without making her feel guilty. Any time I say something that makes my wife feel guilty, whether I intended to or not, she feels disrespected/manipulated, and I've just made withdrawals from my account in her love bank, which makes her feel even LESS likely to talk to me or work with me, and more likely to try to avoid dealing with me.

It was a long process but I mostly learned how to filter such comments out of my communication with her and that opened the way to discovering solutions to how we could talk about our problems.

If you're in the online program that's great - your coach can help you with this extensively. We'll help here, too.

Giving us a little more information about your marriage may be helpful:

* How long have you been married? (Are you legally married?)
* Have either of you been married before?
* Do you have any children?
* Do either of you have children from previous relationships?

The same was said of me, and it wasn't true.
She is not manipulating him. She is in withdrawal, probably because of past lovebusters and/or neglect.

This is solvable, without questioning her motivation (which is a disrespectful judgement, btw -- a lovebuster).

The wife is rightly acting in her own self interest, avoiding conversations that make her feel guilty, because they hurt.

The secret to a good marriage is learning how to have conversations that don't hurt. That's exactly what Marriage Builders helps with!

While this is true to a degree, most couples do not show up at Marriage Builders with both on board and willing to do the work. There is always a spouse that is the reluctant spouse. And when the reluctant spouse is the wife, that is good news because the husband has a GREAT chance of winning his wife over. He is built to pursue her, and she is built to be pursued.

There's a lot of hope here.

Can you be specific to us about what need you want met and how you want it met?