Hi all,
First time post but here it goes:
So I cheated, got caught, tried to damage control which caused more mistrust. Now we have been living together for 6 months after I ended all contact and my wife can not get beyond her anger. I have suggested couciling reading SAA or HNHN but she refuses because i "don't deserve it". I have read both amongst other things and am trying to implement but any upset goes to anger on her part. She has been a tyrant for some time and I realize now that my affair had more to do with trying to find a weapon to hurt her back. She is a pro at angry outbursts, selfish demands, and disrespectful judgements. I also realize that this all started when her sister came back into her life she left me in the dust as her source of intimate conversation. It was also when our son was born so I was majorly in the back of the bus. Of course she stopped meeting my greatest needs and would starve me for sex for 3-6 months at a time. She would tell me she was broken and use anger and guilt to repel me when I would make advances. I was very unsatisied on a number of levels and then we went through some hard times like losing a pregnancy and my dad having open heart surgery so the stress leading into the affair was at a fever pitch. It started innocently enough that I was kind to the woman's three daughters and then we began having play dates and comparing notes on kids then our marriages. It then led to sexting and we met on a few occasions and kissed and one time fondled through clothes. To me this felt so awkward because it wasn't my wife that it snapped me out of the fog. I realized that I really liked having the emotional support and wished we could roll it back to just being freinds. Unfortunately I think I was using her to make my wife jealous at first and then let it get out of control. My wife asked me about it a few times and I denied anything then her husband contacted my wife and I realized the best course was full disclosure. My wife asked me to end it and have no further contact which i did. I never had any withdrawal and don't want to ever see her again because she represents my biggest mistake. I Love my wife and want to get back to being each others greatest emotional depositor desperately. To do that I think she is going to have to admit some fault in the state of our relationship prior but she won't. I also need to process the emotional abuse I received that led to this so it won't happen again. It got so bad at one point I realized I was afraid to even cook eggs lest she yell at me because they weren't done to her liking. In some sick way when she is angry at least now I have a way to justify my deserving it. That can't be a healthy relationship to have with her or myself. Some good news is that I have told the whole story to two of my closest guy friends so at least I have someone to talk to. I havent gone to a therapist yet because I know if I go and it's not her idea she will be that much less likely. So I am reading and re reading Dr Harley's books and trying to implement some of his strategies. Two weeks ago my wife was sick and I waited on her hand and foot, cooked, cleaned, did all the laundry and basically ran the whole house and she was pretty thankful and kind. We were building an account. Then this past week she reminded me that any time I am not home she thinks I'm out with my girlfriend even if it's that I stopped somewhere for work to see a trusted client of ours who was having an emergency. And now we start back at not talking and sleeping in different beds etc. she hasn't kissed or hugged me since march and anytime I try to lay a hand on her to comfort her she says she doesn't want me to touch her. I have thought about a trial separation but honestly we can't afford it and I can't imagine choosing to be away from our son. So as the title says I'm stuck in the mud. Please any help would be greatly appreciated.

Hi Deofour, welcome to Marriage Builders. How long married? Any kids? How close do you live to the OW?

Sorry. Married 7 one child 5.5. Ow is 30min drive but I have no desire to see her. I would welcome a tracker on my phone/ car if it would give my wife some peace.

I would start by affair proofing your marriage so she feels safe. Putting a tracker on your phone that you know about is not going to do that. I would figure out how your affair started and eliminate that opening. It sounds like you have very loose boundaries with women, ie: opposite sex friendships and that is how affairs start.

Do you go out alone at night? What do you do for a living?

The other huge gaping problem I see is that you blame her for your affair. You have many, many excuses about your affair and don't seem to understand that it was caused by your poor boundaries around women. You allowed another woman to meet your needs and if that had never happened, there would be no affair. it is not her fault you have poor boundaries.

You are BOTH responsible for the unhappiness in your marriage but you are 100% responsible for your affair. Unless that gap in your marriage is addressed, you will have other affairs and your wife should be very alarmed.

Will she come here and post to us?

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Great points and certainly part of what I have come to from some of what I have read. I would have never spoken to my guy friends about a fight with my wife before this and have now realized that if I need emotional support from non family it needs to be male. I'm good with that as I have had two really positive experiences and now have two "sponsors". I know I am 100% responsible for my affair but we are 100% responsible for setting the conditions that allowed it to grow, but yes I chose to do those things and could have chosen other things. I was weak and childish and wanted to run. I'm not proud of it. I stayed and am here trying to rebuild and make right. If this is ten best it gets I honestly think l will still stay.

No I don't go out alone at night. If I am anywhere alone I try to have some evidence of where I was if not I will FaceTime her to show her where I am. We have a motion sensor and video doorbell so she can easily see my car parked at home if she were not here so I try to stay home or be where she is to make her comfortable.

I am a Chiropractor.

I doubt she would come post as she will see it as my thing and resist.

Deofour, the best thing you can do right now is try to woo her back into the marriage. However, I would not put up with her angry outbursts. It will be your job to paint a picture of a happy romantic marriage and ask her to join you. Do you have the book, Surviving an Affair?


Your marriage is "her thing" though. In order to fix this marriage, you must both do the work. A marriage can't be fixed alone.

Yes I have saa on audiobook and am about half way through it a second time. I have printed all the questionnaires and have them ready for when she is. I talked to her tonight about moving forward together and told her I was so sorry and take 100 percent responsibility for the affair. I also said we were both responsible for the state of our relationship at all times. I also said that I wish I knew what I do now before and that I have learned greatly From my mistakes. What you said about my boundary issues women struck a tone with me. I think you are right. I think it's always been there. My wife always would say that I couldn't see when women were flirting with me. I listened to dr Harley's podcast today and he mentioned that he grew up with affairs in the family and was always hyper aware. I never saw anything like that and had no alarm for it. I really like what he said that he is vigilant in his effort not to be friends with members of the opposite sex. I hope to live that way. When I expressed this and other essentials to make my wife feel more comfortable she said she didn't care what I do and got angry. I told her I recognized she had enough talking for now and asked her if she wanted me to leave her alone. She did. We did talk about some other family stuff regarding my niece at diner. I could see she was still upset so I asked her if she was ok and she responded that she is never ok and never will be. I told her I just wanted to hold her hand or hug her to comfort her. She said she had no interest. I told her I just want to make her happy and asked her what I can do. She said she didn't know. I tried to bring up love bank stuff and she got angry so I backed off. If she wasn't always so angry I might believe she actually didn't care.

Read this and listen to the radio clips in this thread. What is Just Compensation?