2000 H had a 3 month long EA with a Coworkers wife. I found out from overhearing H on the phone with OWH.
We had only been married a little over a year, There was NOTHING wrong with our relationship ,our daughter was barely 6 months old. � H ended the EA pretty much right away and as far as I know has had no contact with OW since.
His affair ripped me apart. The image that I had of him in my mind was shattered and I no longer looked at him the same.
I was resentful and sad. How could he do that to me.?. for god�s sake we were still practically newlyweds. Young parents with our whole lives ahead of us. I didn�t want our baby growing up without a father.. I was determined that she should have both parents and a stable life� 4 months after D-Day I became pregnant with our son. It was a sad and depressing pregnancy as was my whole life at that point. H was missing OW, he pretty much shut himself up in his video games and focused on that He didn�t go out barely worked, Ignored us. I figured he hated me for forcing him to stop talking to OW, or for tying him down� I don�t know� I just know he hated me �hated us�
Really, I didn�t care. I was so mad at him, so hurt, I looked at him through our babies eyes and focused on their futures. In hindsight our children would not have been worse off without him. Emotionally it took me YEARS to get over his EA and the pain associated with it.
H was miserable and mean. Patience especially with the kids was nonexistent. We all tried to steer clear of him and his moods. H became more reclusive over the years, most of the time becoming angry and lashing out. Overall a miserable person who seemed content to wallow is a misery of his own making.
Never attending School functions never helping out with driving to the kids functions. Never a family vacation, Day trips I can count on one hand. Hardly ever a date with me or a gift for any occasion.
I can say I�m pretty certain he has never cheated on me again.
The kids grow like weeds and get into the rat race called high school . Band camp, show choir, etc. Parents only really needed for rides and money. As my children need me less I found more time on my hands to think. Think of my life and what it is, what it has been, what it will be.
Last September I decided�.I was done.. The marriage was loveless�He was an old bitter [censored]. He would be fine with his miserable self� The kids would be Ok.. They were gaining independence every day.
I was actively looking for a place to live.. My bonus from work came in March I would have enough to get on my feet with the kids and finally maybe find some happiness and peace in life�
The fights were every day. Stupid and petty most of them� but even though they start small they escalate into a HUGE argument. The time had passed that we kept our voices down for the kids or played nice in front of them. The fights and arguments were aimed and usually succeeded on both sides to be a mean and hurtful as possible.
H knew I think�Knew I was trying to get out� that I couldn�t deal with it anymore.
I was staying late at work just so I wouldn�t have to go home and fight with him. One particular fight where H wanted me to go to a party at his friend�s house escalated into if you won�t come with me then I will find someone who will. Really why would I want to go anyone with you if your so mean? This argument turned us �
He had never actually threatened to go find someone else. Honestly there were times that I wish he would so he would just leave and me and the kids could finally be at peace, but he had never said anything like that to me before.
Obviously it was a crushing blow. He was actively looking for someone� wanting to find someone to be with? Someone to make him happy. I didn�t want him but I wasn�t about to let anyone else have him.
I freaked, screamed, swore, threw things.. told him to get out� all that .
Really I am not sure what happened in that argument, Somehow we were crying, talking, hugging..
He was telling me there was never anyone else for him. I was his ride or die.. He loved me�
He knew he�d been a jerk for so many years, he hated himself for it�for being a recluse, a miserable [censored]
He had done a lot of soul searching over the past 3 months , wanted to be a better person, father, husband.. wanted us to be happy� wanted to try again�
Somewhere in that I saw the man he used to be before Day. The spirited dreamer, the lover, the man I married. It was wondrous . Honestly it was like our relationship was reborn. It was like new, fresh, exploratory, the sex was amazing. We couldn�t stop connecting, just hugging, touching one another� remembering what we used to be like. He was so sorry apologetic� Promised to spend the rest of his life trying to make up for being such an awful husband and father. He asked if I would try .. I said yes�I wanted him.. wanted what we had�. I saw it� we could have it again..
A few weeks into our newfound love, H confesses that his EA was actually a PA. He felt he had to tell me in order to move forward in our relationship.. it happened just once but it had been eating at him for so long he needed to get it off his chest�
WOAH��������. totally devastating to me. I had asked him so many times , he had sworn on our children�s lives, denied it for 17 years �. Constantly accused me of cheating over the years. I cannot fathom why he told me now.. when were in such a great place. It has crushed me.. .the fact that we have lived most of our marriage under a cloud of this horrible truth. Lived a Lie
2017 has not been kind to me� I cry pretty much every day�I just can�t help it..I have nighmares all the time�. I wish I could be hypnotized to forget,� He might as well of slept with OW yesterday. I cannot get past this� I am so mad at him for lying to me for so long� how could he?... that�s not love�who does that?�
Honestly, I wish he didn�t tell me now� This has done nothing but wreak havoc on my head and heart.
It has crushed me and set me back to DDay�I�m so afraid this will be the end of us..
He has made tremendous progress over the past 6 months.. He�s taking an active role in the kids� lives. He�s been pleasant� occasionally he will pick up the house. These are serious improvements for him� which I give him credit for.. In the beginning we were able to communicate have conversations without screaming .. not anymore.. now we fight like we have been fighting for 17 years and that glimpse of hope is fading fast. I�m afraid its ending� I am so mad.. I�m clingy and I�m needy and I cry all the time These are driving H crazy. But also I don�t see any of the effort he promised .. Yes he�s kinder and participating.. but I feel this is standard father behavior and should not be considered as all effort. All the rest, the communication, touches, the spark.
H asked me the other day why I stayed all those years ago�.
The answer was easy� for our baby�
Now that the kids are almost grown� What am I fighting for? Why should I bother to give an effort now when you couldn�t have bothered for 17 years.. couldn�t be bothered to tell me the truth �����I�m so emotionally exhausted.. I don�t know that I have any more faith.. � I�m so sad� I can�t sleep, eat, or stop crying.. When I talk about what�s bothering me� my heart hurts. He gets angry we aren�t communicating or talking things through.. we are back to fighting�
Back to the end drawing near�
