Well, you have evidence of at least 2 more times, which means she is a serial cheater. You can call an affair an "exit affair" but it is still an affair. If a person is out looking for action, all the need meeting in the world will not stop them. Your wife has affairs because she is SEEKING them. They don't happen by accident by design.

That is very different from the garden variety affair. Most ppl don't look for affairs, they happen as a result of poor boundaries. They develop feelings for another person due to poor boundaries much like the frog in boiling water. That person is typically venerable because of unmet needs. That is very different from someone who is out trolling for action. All the need meeting in the world will not overcome that.


We can help you with that effort, but I predict it will not be very effective because she has a lifestyle that does not support marriage and would be unwilling to change.

Thank you very much Melody. It's tough to gain clarity on this. A big part wants to salvage our time spent and connection we had. While it doesn't excuse her behavior of cheating. I've understood why it happened. Neglect from the last few years. I also saw a few texts with her friend when I looked. Her complaints were lack of sex(which I agree) I didn't initiate enough, loss of emotional connection, and near the end I was selfish with hobbies. I turned her down multiple times when she tried to plan things for us to go out and do. Too much time spent apart but we always had time at home. Looking back I think we both started bringing too much negativity in which was because of unaddressed issues. That negativity caused me to pull away from her. So I can't fully blame her and that's why a big part of me wants to try again with her. She says she wants to move on and has been pushed away for too long. I've been torn for months If I should let her have it? Or hang in and see if any progress could be made

If I do want to give it a go, is there any action you would still consider taking at this point?

You first step would be to expose her affair and be in Plan A. Have you read the exposure thread?

Yes, thanks for the response. I just wasn't sure if it's a little late in the process to start exposing when I told her I'd go along with divorce

So is that confront the OM directly? And use one of the same templates?

And I see there are zero suggestions to do so but what happens if I send my spouse the text log of evidence. Is that action no good?

You wouldn't want to send that to her. What you need to do is follow the suggestions on the exposure thread. Expose the affair and when you are all done, confront the OM. But first, expose to his family and friends and everyone else listed on the exposure thread.

See, she already knows she is having an affair, so there would be no reason to send that to her. Better to use it as a SURPRISE in an exposure.

I would take this back. Tell her you want to save your marriage and won't cooperate.

Wow. Thank you. I need to get my head straight and get things in order. My confusion is still in plan A while doing this you need to meet emotional needs yet we are seperate and can't do that unless it's through texts or calls with words. I mean what is the appropriate balance between the rage you are about to ignite from your WS, and your demeanor through the process?

Can you move back in with her?

Have you read this? Exposure 101

And this "I Encourage the BHs to confront OM" Dr. Harley

Here's another good one "Don't put up with OM" per Dr. Harley

In Plan A you will not be able to meet her needs because her lovebank is closed to you. You will have to woo her back.

Moving in together.... I'm at a friends. She is at a friends. Could happen down the road if we got to the point where we were committed. But her only interest right now is filing for the D. She'd probably meet me as friends anytime but I feel like that would be a setback right now. She says she's sorry and can't imagine me not in her life since we grew up together. Idk what to think. I read the exposure 101 and surviving the affair. My brother thinks I'm crazy when I told him about this plan and should just turn around.

I am sure your brother is a great man and a good support for you right now, but how many marriages has he saved?

This plan works. Either you will have won her back, or you will be able to move on without any doubts that you did everything humanly possible.

Why would it be a setback? You can't woo her if you are not around her.

Thanks prisca. Well I've kept distance so I could start recovering and stop pursuing. She has been slightly remorseful but not enough to change her mind about D. I have gone out with her a few times since the split and we had an ok time with no conversation about the relationship. But with her affair and blinders on I felt it was confirming her decision because there was no way she was walking away from our meetup thinking she was making a mistake. The affair has a hold on her