Hello Forum
I met my boyfriend 5 months ago. During the stages of really getting to know each other he told me about a friend (married woman, i will not post her real name but will refer to her as Jennifer). He told me one night that he told Jennifer that he wanted to meet someone just like her. Instantly I thought that was a strange comment, not sure why but it was strange to me. He would constantly talk about Jennifer (fictitious name), He would tell me that he had known her for a long time and that he would go over to her and her husbands house and hang out and play cards. From the conversation that he and I had it was pretty much an every weekend thing and somtimes during the week. Jennifer is 58 yrs old much younger than her husband which is 15 yrs older. My boyfriend is 61 but looks 52. He kept insisting that I play cards with them and that he wanted me to meet her. I told him that would be nice. I had planned a trip prior to meeting my Boyfriend and I was going to be out of the country, so I wanted to give him a special treat so I made goodie bags for each day. Since Jennifer is a good friend and is a neighbor I thought it would be great to have her give him the bags each day. I called her up and she agreed to give him the bags. While away he called me and he was over at their house and he was laughing, naturally I asked what was so funny he said that Jennifer was attacking her husband on couch (making out basically). Once again a red flag went up as to why would a married couple have playful make out session in front of a single man. When I returned it was arranged that I was to meet Jennifer and her husband to play cards. During this time I found my boyfriend constantly following her with his eyes and she would dance in front of him. It was like he was memorized by her. Again another red flag went up. I asked him about the goodie bags that I left with her and he said that he let her read the cards that I left in each bag daily. I couldn't believe that he let her read the cards. I then asked him if he had a fling with her, he told me no. I really didn't believe it, but I did't press the issue. So again there was a neighborhood get together and this time Jennifer was dancing in front of him again and said "I love me some Wayne" (fictitious name. By this time I knew there was something. I asked him the same night and he admitted they had kissed because they had too much to drink. My instinct was this wasn't the entire truth so I pursued for more information. He finally admitted that he had an affair with her that lasted about year or so. I was devastated because he let her read my cards knowing that he had been so intimate with her. Jennifer is always calling about needing this fixed or that repaired. She calls Wayne (B/F fictitious name)on a weekly basis. Lately she calls and ask why he hasn't been around, she wants to know if he is happy. She has asked him this 2 times. She told Wayne that she wants to walk with me, but the funny thing is... is that she never calls me to ask me. She only calls Wayne during the week when he is at work, never on weekends. I do not like this at all, Jennifer's husband does not know about their affair and Wayne has continued to go to their house for visits and play cards since the affair ended. Jennifer ended the affair, reason was that she was afraid of getting caught and loosing her retirement if a divorce occurred. She also told Wayne she regretted it the affair. She told Wayne that she wants to remain friends. After learning about all of this deception I told him that I was uncomfortable with him and hers relationship I was uncomfortable with her behavior and that she needed to act like it had ended. He constantly tells me that she wants to be my friend and that all of this is in the past. I talk rationally with Wayne and I tell him that it doesn't appear to be in the past because of her inappropriate behavior. He just says she does that when she's drinking. I point out that she didn't do this to the other men that were at the gathering just only him. He defends her and tells me that everything would be ok if I had not known. I told Wayne that I would never have figured it out if she would have behaved and acted like it really was in the past. I told Wayne it was really obvious something more was there than just a friendship. It was so obvious that Wayne's sister in law asked me about her and she said she thought something was going on with Wayne and Jennifer. He keeps telling me to let the past go, basically he thinks there is nothing wrong with being friends because it has been over for about a year and that Jennifer regrets what happened. I do not agree with Wayne. I told him that he needs to tell Jennifer that I know about the affair. I am of the belief that if she knows that I know of her secret she will quit some of her charades. Wayne did tell her but he still says that they are friends and that I should leave the past alone. I am unable to accept that she wants to be friends and I am unable to accept that this is a past relationship when I see with my own eyes differently that it is present tense not past tense. Sorry for the length, but at least I handed you a complete picture or so I hope.

Are you going to tell her H that his wife had an affair with your BF?

Her H deserves to know the truth about his life and that his marriage is being attacked.

Greetings and thank you for the reply

I won't be the one to tell her H. Her H likes Wayne and in turn Wayne likes him. With that being said, I did address to Wayne that Jennifer's husband would not want him over to his house if he knew what had gone on between them. I have a feeling that her H knows but won't confront Jennifer on the subject. it would be hard for her H not to wonder since this had gone on for some time and I picked up on it within 2 meetings with her. Jennifer has already made a comment to Wayne concerning Wayne's absence lately. I told Wayne of course he is absent because now he has a girlfriend and before he didn't so naturally he will not be around. Yet Jennifer uses that idea on Wayne to let him know that his absence has been noticed. None of his other friends have asked where he has been, only Jennifer calls and asks Wayne. But no I won't tell her H. Eventually the truth will come out, it always has a way of surfacing in the end.

It's very sad that you know that your BF and the BH's WW had an affair and you won't let him know that the enemy of his marriage is prentending to be his friend. If you were in his shoes wouldn't you want to know that your H was cheating?

Don't you think he deserves to know the truth?

Also, have you read what Dr. Harley says about staying in contact with past lovers?

Greetings

I do want the H to know, but I don't think it should be me that tells him it actually should be her that tells him of the affair. How likely is that to happen? I don't know but it really needs to happen for sure. I have not been in this relationship long ....only 5 months to be exact. They have been friends/neighbors much longer.

It took an act of congress for him to finally tell her that I knew of the affair. This news just hit her this past monday when she called him .My BF (Wayne) finally told her and he says that she won't call anymore. I do have my doubts. Jennifer and her husband have always called Wayne to repair and fix things over the years, sometime during all of that he was unhappily married for many years, Wayne finally got a divorce 3 years ago. I think this affair occurred somewhere in that time frame and lasted maybe a year, (Wayne has yet to become clear on this with me) he later became closer to her H i think after the affair. Jennifer called it off because of fear of her H finding out. Wayne told me that she wouldn't leave him because she earns a lot of money and that a divorce would force her to give up a portion of her retirement. So with that being said she remains married to an older man.

I was in his shoes in a round about way meaning I was in the dark. I was being manipulated by thinking that she was a friend. I only caught on that something might be wrong with this friendship by her actions when she was around. I had gone to their home a couple of times and then to the block party. There were little warning signs but just something didn't seem right and that is when I went into detective mode and started being inquisitive. To be honest if I picked up on it within 2 or so visits, I am sure her H has to know and so does the neighbors that attended all of the block parties that seem to be a weekly and monthly thing for a few years. I just think it would be hard for him not to know, but refuses to acknowledge it. Again this is just a gut feeling that I have

Hi,

I have not read about the past lovers, where might I find this information? i would love to read it.

Thank you

Sunday, I am a little confused as to why a woman of your age would be staying in a relationship like this. Lets review the resume of your bf.

-had an affair on his former wife, which she likely to date does not know about (I would be asking myself if this was the only one)

-had an affair with the wife of his neighbor and friend, and not only did he not tell him but remained friends after the fact throwing dirt in the mans face every time he goes over there and pretends to be 'friends'

-continues to flirt with and remain buddies with his former lover right in front of everyone, showing no remorse or understanding of the disgusting nature of his actions

-lies to you about it when you ask him

-finally trickle tells you about the affair, but admittedly continues to be shady about the details

-does not see anything wrong with this behavior

-does not intend to change this behavior

Somehow you yourself have bought into the fact that there is something OK or normal about this. There is not. What he did was wrong. What he continues to do is wrong. Here we would say that this is not a *past* affair but rather that it is a *current* affair. Whether he continues to have sex with her or not, he is still in constant contact with her and has no plans of stopping.

It would take a team of Budweiser horses to keep me from running far far away from this man.

Here is my advice: call up 'Jennifer's' husband right now. Tell him everything you have been told. Saying it is not your place to do so is like saying it is not my place to call the cops when I see my neighbors house getting robbed. I will just wait for the robbers to tell the homeowner. Yes that IS how complacent that sounds, because NO it does not happen that a long term affair is just exposed to the BS for no reason. Not to mention the fact that this man has suffered long enough in the dark, why would you just wait for the truth to come out, which may or may not ever happen and may happen in another several years when he has wasted more of his life being betrayed by everyone around him. That is just downright immoral and mean to do to a person! Then, pack your bags and get the heck out of there. Unless you want to keep dating a long term adulterer who has a firmly entrenched sense of entitlement and wayward mentality and plans to continue to live by, communicate with, flirt with and have an affair with his lover right in front of your face indefinitely. I am hoping you do not respect yourself so little as to think that is all you are worth.

Well said, unwritten. Agree with every word!

Sunday, dating is a job interview for marriage. If adultery and dishonesty are not knock out factors, I would suggest you need higher standards. Why pursue a relationship with someone who has no respect for marriage unless you are volunteering for the same treatment?

Like I said, you need to tell the BH because you now know the truth and it's very cruel not to tell him the truth.

Sunday, if you read any of the posts on Surviving an Affair, you'll see that the wayward spouse is generally treating the betrayed spouse very indifferently or worse, cruelly while they are in contact with their affair partners. It is possible that her husband is suffering very much in a way that is not visible to you.

Your boyfriend and this wife are very much partners in crime as they have stolen years of this husband's life from him by how he has been treated by his wife due to her affair.

You yourself are experiencing significant discomfort, or even pain, due to this situation and you are not even married to your boyfriend. Imagine if you were his wife; wouldn't you deserve to know?

Don't be an accomplice to this. This man deserves to know the truth about his life. It's likely that he's very hurt and bewildered by his marriage. Letting him know the source of his pain is the right and ethical thing for you to do.

I would not contemplate pursuing a relationship with "Wayne" at all.

If he isn't really bothered to intrude on someone else's marriage, he won't be bothered if he steps out on yours. If you pursue a relationship I'd count on being cheated on.