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About a month ago, my husband started acting very distant, and blamed it on the extreme stress he felt due to our impending home purchase. On July 28, we closed on our home and spent the whole weekend moving and unpacking. I told him I hoped that he would feel better now, since we were now in the home.

After a few days, I noticed the distance continuing, but additionally noticed him paying attention to his diet and acting very protective of his phone. I confronted him about the phone thing a few times and he said he "wasn't cheating on me". I thought maybe I was paranoid, since he was being so distant, and tried to let it go. A few days later, I could not get the nagging feeling that something was wrong out of my head and confronted him again. This time, he blew up at me, asked me why it mattered (since I did so many shady things in our relationship, I was neglectful, I always argued with him, treated him like my employee instead of a partner) and said he would leave right now if I didn't stop with the accusations. I asked him if he was bipolar -- he was just acting like a monster -- and he attacked me again. I stepped back, apologized for accusing him and let it go.

When I went into the other room, my 12 yr old daughter told me she needed to talk to me. She said she noticed her dad acting weird on the phone and sending someone kissy-face emojis and pictures. She thought it was me at first, but once she noticed it was NOT me - she got very upset, but was too scared to say something. I ran into our bedroom, tried to rip the phone out of his hands and told him I knew he was cheating on me. He denied it all and then blamed me for getting our daughter involved (even though he was sloppy and did this in front of our children). I asked him if he wanted to work on the marriage at that point, and he said no. I told him if he was to continue speaking to this woman, and didn't want to work on the marriage, he needed to leave our home (mind you - we had owned it no more than 2 weeks at this point).

The following day, he left, and has been sleeping in his car and motels for the last 3 weeks. He comes to the house after he gets out of work (when I'm at work) to shower and sometimes see the kids. I eventually did find out who this woman is, and she's someone he knows from high school - but doesn't live in the same state (or at least I don't think she does). She has blocked me from Facebook, even though he nor her have any idea that I know who she is.

Over the last 3 weeks that he's been gone, we've gone from ignoring each other and him acting very stubborn and proud, to us sleeping together, to finding out he called her IN FRONT OF OUR CHILDREN and now me doing 180 actions - such as taking the initiative to paint our new home, doing things with and for the kids without him, getting my hair and nails done, losing weight and going out with my friends.

This week, a few walls have seemed to break down -- he's been hugging and kissing me, telling me how impressed he is by me, telling me I'm amazing, etc. A few days ago, he came to the house, hugged me and started breaking down crying. I asked him what was wrong and told him he could talk to me. He couldn't stop crying and finally said that he is feeling so many emotions when he sees/thinks about the kids, or even when he smells my perfume. I told him I understood why he felt like that and said this was a difficult situation. Told him the kids and I missed him and the house was not the same without him. We continued to hug and kiss and he whispered maybe he was bipolar. I told him I had his back, I was his wife and he was my family. I told him I loved him and he said it back. His kisses and hugs were more passionate than what I've felt in the last few weeks, but I still felt he was holding back.

He left the house shortly thereafter, but before he left, he kissed me and we said I love you. After he left, he called her (I've been checking phone records).

Yesterday, we slept together. Today, I found a picture of H and OW (posted by her) on Facebook with the caption "Never been happier". I feel disgusted and cannot believe this is happening to my life.

I want to send him the picture and tell him I'm done. And I want to tell her that I know about her too. I don't know if this falls into the 180/DB rules, but WTF. This is out of control. I don't know if that will help me reach my end goals of reconciliation, but I want him to wake the hell up and come home.

Last edited by daisy161; 09/03/17 10:44 PM.
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Hi Daisy,

Sorry for the reasons that bring you here.

Just a heads up, you won't find anybody here recommending that you do the 180 or follow DB rules. Reason being that they're ineffective. When I found myself in your situation, I did my due diligence and found that most of the posters on DB were divorced. It's the blind leading the blind. The ones who did save their marriages were the ones who used techniques that are actually discouraged on those boards. I encourage you to examine that for yourself.

Over here on the Marriage Builders forums, the posters have followed the advice of world-renowned psychologist Dr. Harley and have a much higher rate of success.

There is no silver bullet that will save your marriage, but you will have a much greater shot of saving it following Dr. Harley's advice. There are a ton of articles on this site, and the posters here will give you advice that is based on Dr. Harley's decades of experience saving marriages. You can even talk to him directly if you want to send him an e-mail.

The other advantage to this program is that it will "speed up the inevitable." In my case, that was very true. My ex did end up leaving me, but it was a much quicker process that did not leave me in limbo for years upon years. It led to much quicker healing.

So some quick questions, how long have you been married, do you have children, and is the OW married?

Last edited by nmwb77; 09/04/17 08:53 AM. Reason: Spelling

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Originally Posted by daisy161
I want to send him the picture and tell him I'm done. And I want to tell her that I know about her too. I don't know if this falls into the 180/DB rules, but WTF. This is out of control. I don't know if that will help me reach my end goals of reconciliation, but I want him to wake the hell up and come home.

Hi Daisy, welcome to Marriage Builders. Just so you know, we don't support or endorse the DB program here because we don't believe it works. Our tactics are the complete opposite. We have had DB members come here and using this program were able to save their marriages.

Affairs thrive on secrecy, so by helping keeping his secret, you are essentially enabling his affair. And sure, he is being nice, only because you are ENABLING the affair. The more complacent you are, the happier he is to have TWO WOMEN meet his needs. As you enable his affair, it becomes more and more entrenched. He is not confused, he is just having his cake and eating it too.

Our strategy is very different in that you should go into Plan A, which means a) showing him that you will be the best wife in the future if he ends his affair and b) blowing up his affair by exposing it.

Dr Bill Harley is a clinical psychologist with 50 years experience saving marriages from infidelity. There is no guarantee, but your best chance at saving it is to expose it wide and far:

Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley
"Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery."

Read through this whole thread and come back and we will talk: Exposure 101


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by daisy161
I want to send him the picture and tell him I'm done. And I want to tell her that I know about her too. I don't know if this falls into the 180/DB rules, but WTF. This is out of control. I don't know if that will help me reach my end goals of reconciliation, but I want him to wake the hell up and come home.

Hi Daisy, welcome to Marriage Builders. Just so you know, we don't support or endorse the DB program here because we don't believe it works. Our tactics are the complete opposite. We have had DB members come here and using this program were able to save their marriages.

Affairs thrive on secrecy, so by helping keeping his secret, you are essentially enabling his affair. And sure, he is being nice, only because you are ENABLING the affair. The more complacent you are, the happier he is to have TWO WOMEN meet his needs. As you enable his affair, it becomes more and more entrenched. He is not confused, he is just having his cake and eating it too.

Our strategy is very different in that you should go into Plan A, which means a) showing him that you will be the best wife in the future if he ends his affair and b) blowing up his affair by exposing it.

Dr Bill Harley is a clinical psychologist with 50 years experience saving marriages from infidelity. There is no guarantee, but your best chance at saving it is to expose it wide and far:

Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley
"Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery."

Read through this whole thread and come back and we will talk: Exposure 101

Thank you. I am terrified to expose. Was thinking of printing out the FB picture and leaving it out for him. I feel that if I expose, it's going to move them closer. I am so upset.

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Exposing the affair is the single most effective means of destroying it. I know the feeling of being afraid to expose it, but I guarantee you will be glad you did it. Either he will break off the affair or he will make his choice. The earlier the affair is exposed the more effective it will be. If the OW is married, it will have an even greater chance of ending the affair. This situation where he is going between you and her can continue indefinitely, and it will damage your health.


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Do not tip him off that you know who it is. Expose the affair without warning or they will prepare a story to combat your exposure.


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Originally Posted by daisy161
[

Thank you. I am terrified to expose. Was thinking of printing out the FB picture and leaving it out for him. I feel that if I expose, it's going to move them closer. I am so upset.

They are already "close," that is the problem. Exposure is your single most effective weapon. Helping them keep their secret helps the affair thrive and grow. If you won't expose, I don't give this much hope. Every day you help hide the affair, it becomes more and more entrenched. Enabling the affair will make this worse, not better.

Printing out the photo and leaving it for him will achieve what? He already knows he is having an affair. He will just throw it back in your face and you will feel worse.

You need to be more strategic than that. I understand this is very emotional for you, but if you can follow a plan we can help you save your marriage.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by daisy161
Thank you. I am terrified to expose. Was thinking of printing out the FB picture and leaving it out for him. I feel that if I expose, it's going to move them closer. I am so upset.

Daisy, almost all of us who have saved our marriages attribute it to exposure. Exposure ruins affairs because affairs thrive on secrecy. Dr Harley calls it the single most effective first step towards recovery.

Your "feelings" will not serve you well at this time. Your feelings have no intelligence and have no experience saving marriages. We need you to put aside your feelings if we are to help you. Do you think you can do that?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by daisy161
[

Thank you. I am terrified to expose. Was thinking of printing out the FB picture and leaving it out for him. I feel that if I expose, it's going to move them closer. I am so upset.

They are already "close," that is the problem. Exposure is your single most effective weapon. Helping them keep their secret helps the affair thrive and grow. If you won't expose, I don't give this much hope. Every day you help hide the affair, it becomes more and more entrenched. Enabling the affair will make this worse, not better.

Printing out the photo and leaving it for him will achieve what? He already knows he is having an affair. He will just throw it back in your face and you will feel worse.

You need to be more strategic than that. I understand this is very emotional for you, but if you can follow a plan we can help you save your marriage.

He knows I know about the affair but doesn't know I know who she is. What would you recommend my approach to be? He doesn't have many family members and the ones he has are not close to him. I also don't want to come across as a psycho, vindictive [censored]. Do you recommend I also speak to her and tell her he slept with me the other day and told me he loves me?

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Read the "Exposure 101" thread in Melody's signature. It will give you a template to follow.


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Originally Posted by daisy161
He knows I know about the affair but doesn't know I know who she is. What would you recommend my approach to be? He doesn't have many family members and the ones he has are not close to him. I also don't want to come across as a psycho, vindictive [censored]. Do you recommend I also speak to her and tell her he slept with me the other day and told me he loves me?

I would go read the exposure thread and start putting together an exposure list. I would plan on exposing to all her family and friends via facebook using the templates on the Exposure 101 thread.

Quote
also don't want to come across as a psycho, vindictive [censored].

We are doing this to save your marriage, not to get the approval of crapwits who would characterize the victim of infidelity as a "vindictive [censored]." What kind of a person would blame the victim? crazy The approval of such people won't save your marriage, nor do they have to pay the price of this affair - YOU DO.

You will find that many people will support you and you shouldn't worry about those who don't.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Do not leave the FB post out for him. Do not tip your hand. Have you read the Exposure 101 link that MelodyLane posted for you?

If you are waffling on exposure, okay. It's tough for all of us. But please do not make your situation any worse by taking your own actions yet until you have spent some more time and read here.

The ONE thing that most of us say after we finally take the time to study the Marriage Builders program is that we WISH we had found it sooner (myself included).


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[/quote]Thank you. I am terrified to expose. Was thinking of printing out the FB picture and leaving it out for him. I feel that if I expose, it's going to move them closer. I am so upset. [/quote]


I am sorry you are at this point in your life, but you couldn't have found a better place to get help than Marriage Builders.

I found out about my husband's affair with his realtor in 2011. Unfortunately, I didn't find out about Marriage Builders until 8 months later. I had intuitively exposed to our family and friends but was scared to expose to "her side" as I felt so much time had passed and people (her friends) would think I was crazy.

Five years later, I found out that my husband was still in contact with her and realized that we had been in a False Recovery and, THIS TIME, I exposed not only to our family and friends, but to her friends and coworkers in the real estate business. It was the best decision I ever followed through with. Over the next couple of months, my husband joined me in Dr. Harley's year long program.

Don't Hesitate--by not exposing I endured 5 additional years of deception. I was scared last year, but overnight I sent out 50 letters to her family, friends and coworkers asking them to support my marriage along with our photo.

Exposure was the first real step in ending that affair.

BikerWife


Me (BW) 63
FWH 59
Married 30 years
FWH EA 2007 - 2011
FWH PA July, 2011 - November, 2011
False Recovery Dec, 2012 - July 14, 2016
3 adult children, 4 granddaughters and 1 grandson

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