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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
I do know better. I know what I need to do. I made a decision because I was confused about what to do given the newer behaviors and symptoms. I know you are right... I know I can't use any excuses. I wouldn't come back if I was convinced I am right and don't need help with healthy convictions. What can you do to put an end to this? I would make her live somewhere else until she can demonstrate sobriety for at least a year. She will either sink or she will swim. But at least you and your kids won't go down with her if she goes down. I predict she won't choose to sink and will come to her own rescue if you aren't there to save her. How can you make this happen?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
I do know better. I know what I need to do. I made a decision because I was confused about what to do given the newer behaviors and symptoms. Are you calling the "newer behavior" her "light drinking?" That is the oldest con in the book. It is a trick to fool someone into thinking she can drink socially and control her drinking. People in AA laugh about that trick.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 141
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OP
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Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 141 |
Hello everyone - long time - I saw a shortcut on my PC desktop to this site, and decided to drop in and give everyone an update.
Life went from bad to worse by focusing on the wrong things and enabling my wife. 2014 was emotionally crippling. 2015 was insanity in my home. 2016 was a slow road to recovery. 2017 is a new day.
The affair hurt me - but that was not the core of the problem. MelodyLane tried to beat it into me, but I couldn't listen.
I tried to "protect" my wife in 2015 and hurt myself and my family. I filed for divorce in late 2015. I kicked her out. I caught her in bed with cheating partner while kicked out, when she had asked for my help. I completed divorce in early 2016. Ex never recovered from her alcoholism - she lasted a year after our divorce, almost to the day. She died in early Feb of this year. Regardless of the previous trauma, 20+ years of a relationship and mother to our 4 kids meant a lot of sadness.
I am better now than I have been since 2012 or 2013 - and now have the experience, understanding, and compassion for those who have gone through what I have.
Seems callous to say, but having "lost her" well before her actual death was actually helpful to make the loss just a tiny bit less intense.
I'm not sure if anything that was recommended to me about the affair would have helped or not. It was a situation complicated by severe alcoholism, and that aspect was treated heavily to no avail. I do wish I could go back and try what was recommended, and suggest those coming here take a shot at the recommendations of Dr Harley and those who frequent the forum. Best of luck to all who have experienced infidelity - fight for your marriage, and if it doesn't work, walk away knowing you did everything you could.
BS - Me, 39
WW - Her, 40
DDay - May 14, 2014
4 kids
Married 17 years
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Ex never recovered from her alcoholism - she lasted a year after our divorce, almost to the day. She died in early Feb of this year. Regardless of the previous trauma, 20+ years of a relationship and mother to our 4 kids meant a lot of sadness. Oh wow, I am so sorry to hear about your wife. What a tragic life she led. How are your kids doing?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,476 Likes: 5
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,476 Likes: 5 |
Thanks for your update and sorry for your loss.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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