Hello everyone,

First time user and like everyone else I am having difficulty processing and moving on with what has happened to me. My mother used this site long ago so she referred this to me. I have been contemplating it for awhile but now I feel I am ready to talk about it outside of my family and friends and get other input.


I was dating a traditional girl for about 5 years. Traditional means that we could not move in, sleep, or do anything together until we got married. The way I met her was that she started dating me behind my friends back. After about 3 months she made the decision to date me.

Everything seems fine for 2 years then something big happened. Found out she was pregnant and we had an abortion (something that I regret). After that I really couldn't stand her but continued with the relationship. Come to find out 6 months later that she was sexting (and probably cheating) on me with her best friend. She would send him comments like "oh papa I want your big [censored] inside of me" and other stuff along those lines. Her excuse was that she thought it was me which now I realize is complete [censored]. What is worse is I found out 2 weeks before I was gonna propose to her in China. Still managed to forgive her (but not her friend) and propose to her on the Great Wall of china.

Things were fine again and we seemed like the best of friends, then around Christmas the 3rd year I got an std (climidita) and I know it was not from me. So that put another strain on output relationship and at that point I was looking at her phone 24/7. Again we worked it out and life moved on but somewhere along the line we stopped talking. This last year I could tell she wasn't happy but she would not tell me why.

We also had this wedding which kept getting postponed and we kept pushing back. The next date we set for ourselves was supposed to be 6/28/19. Obviously not happening. Most of it was due to all this bull but another loomin this was her sisters wedding which screwed up the date.

Long story short her sisters wedding was in July of this year, after that she completely changed and started seeing me less and less. She went to Disney and that is where I noticed it was the end of our relationship. I flew down to spend time with her.

So at Disney I saw her talking to this guy that I never heard of in the 5 years I knew her. She was playing trivia games and talking to him profusely on FB chat. She would show me some of these chats and 2 red flags popped up. 1) the guy said "you are going to end it in 8 days right?" I asked her if she was palling on leaving me (cause she mentioned she wanted to have a talk around that time. 2) if I tried to touch her phone she freaked out.

Fast forward 8 days, she gave me the ring back and said she didn't want to marry me (this was now the 2nd time). She said she still wanted to try and work it out. I broke up with her the next day. The following day she came back and begged me to come back. I told her ok we will give it a shot. So for the next 2 weeks everything was really great,, she was opening up to me, and we spent so much time together. We went to her friends wedding and after that boom sudden change.

We were supposed to go to Albany but she canceled that. Found out through a name written on her [censored] that the guy she is now seeing went instead (same guy in Florida). Turns out he was in Florida when she went and all of a sudden came back when she came back. She stopped treating me like a person asking me how I was and how I am doing. She gave me no time whatsoever. Basically lost all interest in me.

I knew something was up and it was driving me crazy to the point where I was driving to her house seeing if her car was there. Found my answer when randomly saw her at a restaurant with the other guy. That was a lot of fun.

I asked wtf was going on. She told me she didn't want to do this anymore and that they just started dating the day before (which is complete [censored]). But she was still dating me. She said she didn't love me anymore. Then she proceeded to tell me everything I did wrong with the relationship which were all really bad excuses. She was pulling anything because I caught her. I told her that when she gets out of the car we were done and I never wanted to see or hear from her again. I stuck my hand out to shake her hand and she grabbed it saying she misses me over and over again. I told her how I felt, that I still loved her and that I thought she was the 1, but she had to go.

We were supposed to go someplace to talk about the relationship. This was scheduled after this event but since this event took place it kinda ruined it. Even after all of that, she still wanted me to spend the day with her talking about the relationship and answer these stupid questions she had. There are like 5 or 6 questions she wanted me to answer, the only 1 I know was why couldn't we be friends (for obvious reasons).

I told her I would consider it. Ended up breaking up with her the next day. Her final goodbye message left me baffled. If needed I will summarize it up but I kinda forgot most of it.


Anyway, there is a lot more to this but that pretty much sums this up. I have applied the no contact rule and blocked her from everywhere I possibly could. This is now nearing the end of the 3rd week. Here is why I am writing all of this.


1) how likely is she to come back. I ask because 98% of the people I ask say she will. I don't want to believe them because if she does it will be very difficult to say no.

Keep in mind she has no real way of contacting me other than showing up to my house which she has done before. I also have no interest in trying to persue her. The only way we may even talk is if she attempts it. I know from all of this that I should move on and forget her completely. She has cheated on me at east 2 times maybe 3 or more People have threatened me from violence to disownment in the family if I get back together with her. This is more for my anxiety as I have a lot of anxiety problems and how much time I should be devoting to making an action plan. Part of me also really loves her and wants to work it out.

2) any suggestions on what to do at this point

I am already looking into myself, seeing a therapist, reading self help books, working out. Problem is I don't know what I like to do and I am afraid to do things on my own. I am extremely co-dependant. Just looking for suggestions on stuff to try and explore.

Any input or personal experience wiould be greatly appreciated. In my mind she is off having the time of her life while I wallow in grief. After a lot of reading I know this may not be the case but I just like hearing what people have gone through so I don't feel so low.

I am just in a lot of pain because this isn't the only thing I am dealing with. My father is getting married and my mother is moving to another state. So I'm very vulnerable lol.

I do not regret what I have done and I am certain I made the right choice as I desperately needed time to figure myself out. I am just torn because right at the end, we both were getting stronger, she just went and screwed it up.

If anymore details are needed I'll do my best.

Welcome to MB.

No more details are needed. Basically you have been tied up in a very bad relationship with a girl that is not marriage material for far too long. She cheats on you regularly, and doesn't seem to offer much to the relationship other than a bunch of heartache.

Dr Harley says that dating is like an interview for marriage. I would say she blatantly failed the interview. Breaking up was the best case scenario, and some day when you meet the right girl the regret you will have is the fact that you wasted 5 whole years on this. I am glad to hear you have blocked all contact from her, it is the first step to moving on.

By the way, it is a GOOD thing to not move in together, not have sex, and have a 'traditional' (if that means conservative) relationship. I would argue that this girl was far from 'traditional' or conservative in any sense of the word. Make sure you hold yourself accountable to a higher level of behavior too.

Hey unwritten.

Thank you for taking the time for reading and responding to my situation. I agree with you that she definitely is not marriage material and that what I did/am doing is the right thing.

It is really nice having the reasssurance as my self esteem is very low at this point so thank you for encouraging me as well. I will take a look into what the doctor writes about relationships as there seems I have much to learn.

I agree, she failed the interview big time. How much of Dr. Harley's material have you read? Have you read his material on preparing for marriage? Have you read the book Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders?

Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders

Hey brainhurts. Thanks for responding. I haven't really read that much on what dr. Harley has said. I am going through a transition and learning more about myself and habits. I do plan on reading material from here when I feel ready. I think I will start with your recommendation for buyers, renters, and freeloaders.