I can't even imagine. I'm glad to hear you are okay.

My heart goes out to you, Brookity. I can't imagine having to deal with these things.

Have you thought about making a fresh start in a new house? I seem to remember that at some point, you considered going back to your family. Do you still think about that? Even a move within your current area would make the future easier. How can you possibly recover in a house where all that happened?

Prayers for you and your daughter. How is she doing now?

Brookity,

So sorry to read about your situation.

I'm a tax attorney and Estate Planning Attorney. I'm not soliciting business as I'm probably not even in the same state and thus, not licensed to practice law there anyway....but if you have some general questions about handling any probate and/or estate matters feel free to email my wife and I at the address in my signature line below. I'll try my best to give you some FREE answers.

Godspeed,

Mr Wondering

Update and some questions!

Things have been going okay for me and my DD. Four months ago we finally moved to be closer to family. I didn't realize how toxic my house was to my healing until I no longer had to set foot in it anymore. My best friend lives within walking distance now and she and her husband have done everything they can to make us feel welcome in their lives. I have joined a gym and work out daily and volunteer at my daughter's new school. We have kept ourselves incredibly busy this summer and have done all sorts of things my WH never would have let us do but DD really misses her dad.

My biggest problem now is that I am incredibly lonely. This is the longest I have been single in my adult life. I am so used to being married that I hate being alone. I dated a guy for a while who turned out to be a massive freeloader. Once I realized this, I completely cut him out of my life and he doesn't even know that I have moved out of state. There is no way he can ever contact me again but I really miss him and keep hoping he will find a way. It's been nearly a year since I have seen or spoken to him but the sadness over the loss of him really hasn't gone away but I know I did the right thing by cutting him out of my life.

I had to stop taking anti-depressants because I was starting to have issues with suicidal thoughts and that is the very last thing I want to happen. My friends seem to think that I have just transferred my feelings of loss from my late WH to this freeloader. I tend to think they are right.

I have always been the person who pines away over lost loves until I find someone to take his place. I have not even attempted to date again because I read somewhere on MB that women with teen daughters should not even date until their daughter has moved out of the house but I can't seem to figure out where I found this advice. If anyone can help me out with that so I can reread it, I would appreciate it. I am terrified of waiting another seven years to start dating again. I will be nearing 50! I am barely attracted to most men my age now.

So, all that being said, is there any advice on how to get past this loneliness? Must I really resign myself to a life of being alone for the next seven or so years? How do I get my heart to follow by brain with regards to the freeloader?

There is an excellent site called Baggage Reclaim...you will find loads there to help you develop self confidence and never let another man take advantage of you ever again.

Brookity, I'm glad to hear you and your daughter are moving forward together. I'm glad she has you and that, if she could only have one of her parents, you're the one she has. Prayers for you both.

tl

Welcome back Brookity, I'm so glad to see you here again. You've been through so much.

I would recommend Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders by Dr. Harley to any previously married person out on the market again. Dating after being married can be very confusing emotionally and I think a gameplan of getting to know at least a few different people before settling on anyone can help put context on what's out there and what your expectations should be.

It's like going from 100 mph to zero mph and you're not sure how to start back at 5, 10, 15, 20 mph again. You see someone interesting and it can be very tempting to get in way too deep with them fast because you're used to a very committed relationship.

The gym is good, keep working out. It will help your brain chemistry and self confidence. Your past is behind you and the gym is part of the process of refining yourself and preparing for your future.

I would recommend online dating or something similar to really get to know someone before you spend time with them in person. The freeloaders and overall bad candidates in the adult dating market are everywhere, and if you spend some time talking to someone and getting to know them, you can find out a lot and still have the emotional distance to evaluate them clearly. I found a lot of people who were still living with parents after you asked about their home life, who had renter ideas about marriage after you asked about what they are looking for, etc etc. Give it a week or two and anyone seriously interested will get past the icebreaker stuff pretty quick.

I'm engaged now and during the dating that led me to find my fiancee I would honestly spend about a week or two talking to a woman either via text (a lot of women my age like to text) or email/phone before we'd meet up for any dates. Screened out some people that were non-starters that way. Once I got to the woman who became my fiance, it made the contrast of how good of a candidate she was more obvious than it otherwise would have been.

BUT...you're going to have to be really patient. And put up with a lot of non-responses (on dating websites) or poor candidates (once people start responding). All of that will save you time and heartache later, but you may feel rejected at times. Just my $.02.

I don't think everyone can manage staying single for that long and I think Dr. Harley's advice is to do it if possible because mixed families so often produce divorces. BUT if you're someone who really needs companionship then the next best thing is taking the type of approach that prepares you for success. Speaking as a man, you are in a better position on the dating market than many single mothers because there isn't another man still in the picture to some degree to complicate things. That will make you a more attractive option to men than if there was an ex-husband or estranged father to have to contend with. Men automatically think of that when they become interested in a woman who is a mother.

Thank you all so much for the advice. I ordered Buyers, Renters & Freeloaders at the beginning of the week and just got it today. I'm going to make it priority to read it this evening.

It's been a rough road for sure. I dream about the freeloader almost every night but last night all of my dreams were about my late DH and they were definitely nightmares. I woke up questioning everything about our relationship. I am very frustrated by the whole thing.