Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 22
W
Wilmak Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
W
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 22
I'm 3 years out from D Day, two years separated. I can finally apply for divorce. WH who never wanted to do the heavy lifting, has decided he'd like to try again. I'm so tired of this. Weve still had a lot of contact due to his health and our son. I think thats coming to an end now.

Is it really worth the effort after so much time struggling to heal on my own, turning abondonment into freedom, rebuilding my life, trying to lead a stubborn, independent unrepentant man back to health, supporting my son without his help. What would it take to make a marriage worth having ?

I feel like a failure today and I shouldn't. Why do I feel like I'm the bad one for not wanting to set myself up for more broken promises and deceit ? Does this ever end ? Infidelity sucks !


BW (me) 46
WH 54
Married ( 22 years)
DS 21
D Day 24/10/14
EA PA 16/1/14 -3/11/14
NC established 1/12/14
NC re-established 6/2/15
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Hi Wilmak, thanks for the update. Previously he was not willing to do anything to save your marriage? Is he all gung ho now? What has changed?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,272
Likes: 2
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,272
Likes: 2
What are all things he is willing to do to protect you and affair proof your marriage? What EPs is going to implement?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 22
W
Wilmak Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
W
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 22
The first six months had great potential, but lacked commitment and follow through. I don't expect that to change.

Apparently he would now like to be honest, quit the marijuana and has joined this forum. 'All in' would be quite an exaggeration grin

What's changed is that I've finished renovating my new house, booked my dream trip to Europe, met a nice man and I'm looking for a job in another town.

I have no idea what he's thinking. I've said I'm not interested in a discussion until he starts a thread on here. I'm tired of talking to him about this. He can B$t someone else for a change.

Apologies for the sarcasm and bitterness. It's 3am here !


Last edited by Wilmak; 09/14/17 09:48 AM.

BW (me) 46
WH 54
Married ( 22 years)
DS 21
D Day 24/10/14
EA PA 16/1/14 -3/11/14
NC established 1/12/14
NC re-established 6/2/15
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,272
Likes: 2
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,272
Likes: 2
Originally Posted By: Wilmak
met a nice man

Are you dating?

What EPs has he put in place? I'm not talking what he "says" he is going to do. What has he done?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 22
W
Wilmak Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
W
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 22
Hi Brainhurts,

Yes, I guess I'm dating. It's more a friend with benefits. Neither of us wants it to go anywhere else.

extraordinary precautions;

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

Yes he's done that. It there was so much drip feeding and dishonesty I no longer believe a lot of it.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

Yes done that

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

Yes we did that.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

He said his devices are blocked. I don't know if they still are.

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

No hasn't done that. When he said he was, he was lying.

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

No. He hasn't. When he said he was before, he was lying.

_____Spend leisure time together.

Occaisionally. We go dancing twice a week when we're well. I make him dinner once a week.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

We both relocated. But we live in seperate houses.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

Nope

_____Allow technical accountability.

No. He changed his mind about that when I found him searching old girlfriends on Facebook and watching porn a year ago.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Yes. Everyone knows.

Doesn't look like commitment to recovery to me.


BW (me) 46
WH 54
Married ( 22 years)
DS 21
D Day 24/10/14
EA PA 16/1/14 -3/11/14
NC established 1/12/14
NC re-established 6/2/15
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
You realize you are not divorced right? Which means you are still married, and it seems quasi interested in recovering your marriage. How on earth do you think it helps your marriage to recover from your spouses infidelities, by having an affair yourself???

Yes, it is an affair. If you are not divorced, you are still married, which means having sex with another man is an affair. How can you condemn your WH for his infidelities, and his lack of effort at recovery, when you yourself are being unfaithful and have a lack of commitment to recovery?

Honestly, just get a divorce. You have compounded his infidelity with your own, and neither have a commitment to recovery. There really is nothing to save here.

Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
Originally Posted By: unwritten
You realize you are not divorced right? Which means you are still married, and it seems quasi interested in recovering your marriage. How on earth do you think it helps your marriage to recover from your spouses infidelities, by having an affair yourself???

Yes, it is an affair. If you are not divorced, you are still married, which means having sex with another man is an affair. How can you condemn your WH for his infidelities, and his lack of effort at recovery, when you yourself are being unfaithful and have a lack of commitment to recovery?

Honestly, just get a divorce. You have compounded his infidelity with your own, and neither have a commitment to recovery. There really is nothing to save here.



Exactly this.

And does your WH/BH know about your OM?


Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 24 guests, and 53 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Lethabo, Livn1dayAtaTime, widup, Reggg, Endlessvow
71,682 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,528
Posts2,322,563
Members71,682
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5