When you decided to stay in your marriage and work for it, how did you feel? Did you feel excited about it or somewhat resigned?<P>I'm asking this because in a thread by allison she mentioned that her h sounded resigned and someone wondered why that would be if he had good news to tell allison. <P>That struck a chord in me. when I consider staying in marriage and working towards holding it together, I feel resigned. I feel as though I've been fighting a battle and I lost. I'm not even sure what battle I was fighting. It just feels that way. It's as if the world was full of new possibilities - full of color and alive. Now it's back to reality and the world is grey and empty. I feel dead inside.<P>Is this a normal stage of withdrawal from the EA? Did any of you feel this way when on your way to recovery? Will the colors ever come back or should I just accept this as reality and go on?<BR>

Hi, TS!<P>I'm excited to reply, because this struck something inside of me! (I know, I'm goofy!)<P>Yes, yes, yes, this is normal! It was for me, anyway. <P>I've never felt "excited" when starting the recovery process (which I've done many times!). I felt somewhat resigned, too. I was giving up OM, so I felt sad. Yet, I felt like a burden was being lifted when I didn't have to deal w/the back and forth stuff. It felt wonderful to be honest w/my H, and I felt as if I was moving on. I knew I was making a fresh start.<P>It's later down the road when I start struggling. The first couple of weeks are really good for me, because I think I've finally gotten past OM. I turn all my energy towards my H. Then, as time passes, I experience some withdrawal. I've drawn the conclusion that that's what is for me, withdrawal. I think it's the withdrawal, missing OM, etc. that takes me back to contacting him. I start losing sight of the importance of my marriage and focus more on my misery and missing OM. This is the pattern I MUST break. I am aware now, feeling what I'm feeling right now, of what has been happening. If I don't get control of it, I'll end up back where I do everytime. That's why it's so important that we realize what is happening in our situations and why we do what we do. What I'm going to do this time (which I hope will make the difference) is focus more on my H and marriage. I'm going to draw closer to my H--I am doing these things now. But I'm going to make myself very aware to all of these things, so that I keep sight of what I want, my H. Despite all we've been through, I believe we should be together. I'm going to do everything I can to work on that. When I lose my focus, I'm going to refocus! I should say I'm going to continue to do these things, because I am working on it. I'm just telling you what I'm aware of now, that I wasn't before.<P>TS, I truly believe the colors will come back for you, I really do. I hope with everything I have that they will. I do know it takes a LOT of time. I know I keep saying it takes time, but it really does. Take a look at what is making you feel empty and grey. It sounds to me like some withdrawal, but there may be more. I feel like that a lot, but just have to bear through it. I still to this day go through that. I also think it's a form of depression. <P>Where is your energy focused? How much time are you spending think about OM rather than H? How much time do you think about your H? How much time do you and H spend together, quality time? How can you change your negative feelings toward H to be postive? Would you rather be where your at than where you may have ended up? These are questions I ask myself, too. They help me focus a little better.<P>So, yes, I think it's part of withdrawal. Maybe you need some help through the withdrawal. Yes, I've felt this way many times, still fight it occassionally, but I'm aware of it now--where I wasn't before. And yes, the colors will come back. Maybe they'll be very light and faded at first, then maybe they'll become brighter and brighter. I'm not sure, but I hope they will. The thing is, that this is reality right now, but you can make it better. Yes, go on, but go on in that you are striving to bring those colors back.<P>Hope I don't sound wacko! I'm just trying to use your analogy. Hang in there, TS. You can get past this yucky part.<P><p>[This message has been edited by momma (edited July 18, 2000).]

Truthseeker -<P>Gotta love those analogies. I have to "ditto" everything Momma said in her post.<P>For me, I knew the A was morally unacceptable. I knew divorce was not an option I wanted to consider. My H was absolutely amazing when I told him about the affair, and he continues to amaze me with the amount of love he shows me EVERYDAY. I am so lucky.<P>Even being so lucky, there are still moments when I doubt the decision to work things out with my H. He may say something that I take the wrong way, or he may do something that makes me angry. Prior to the A, I wouldn't have given such instances a second thought.<P>But now, every time he does something that is not in line with what I'm thinking, I question my love for him. Is this why I had the A???? Does he really love me? Do I love him? Will this ever work out? Should it work out?? All that stuff still runs through my head whenever something doesn't go exactly my way. I think it will go away with time, though. Each day, I feel a little more and more progress being made.<P>It's like driving down a dirt road in an old beat up car with an AM radio (yes, another brillant analogy). Yeah, there may have been problems before you started out on your journey, but it was a bright sunny day, weather was great, you barely even noticed that hole in the roof.<P>But, then along the way, you run over a bump. At first you're a little shaken, but everything seems to be holding together. So you don't worry about it and you keep driving. Then you hit another really big bump, and parts of the car begin to line the road - but it's okay - the car still runs - a little more loudly, but it runs right? <P>So you keep driving, then you hit the mother of all bumps - like some of the potholes I find around here. Suddenly the car slows down, and stops dead in the road. You don't know which way to go - whether you should walk forward to get help, or just turn and walk miles back to where you came from. If you're mechanically inclined, you may try to fix the car and continue. I am, for one, mechanically challenged, so I would have to get help in fixing the car, or junk it and walk home. Now this car is not just an old beat up car - it's a 64 1/2 Mustang - a collector's item if it were in better condition. You hate to junk it, but it won't move.<P>At any rate, you don't just sit in the middle of the road waiting - you do something, flag someone down for help, or start walking. Some people may decide to junk the car, but you've decided to get help to fix it - whether it be from a skilled mechanic or from friends/family or from your own S.<P>Moral of the story: What was it again? Oh, yea, the way I see it, once you decide to take action, you may always second guess your decision. At first you can resign yourself to spending bu-koo bucks to get the car running again, you may not be thrilled, might even start looking at new cars. But, when you decide to rebuild - yea it takes a lot of hard work - who really gets excited about that? But once all the time and effort has been put into restoration - what you may just get is a great car that runs even better than before.<P>Here's the disclaimer: I hope I didn't offend anyone with this analogy. I don't mean to belittle the problems with infidelity into material objects, I'm just trying to make a point. Hard work doesn't thrill me. If I could wave a magic wand and have everything perfectly arranged, I wouldn't be here in the first place.<P>TruthSeeker - Reality isn't always picture pefect. I think there are "down times." But the good times will start to outweigh the bad times, or the doubting times. The color will return more vibrant than before. I truly believe that. Keep your head up!<BR>

momma,<P>Thanks for your reply. I think you're right about it being partly withdrawal and partly depression. I am in counseling and tried to get an appt for a pharm consult for anti-deps but either the Dr's arent taking new patients or they just plain don't call back.<P>The EA was technically over months ago, but I don't think it was over in my heart and in my mind until just a couple of weeks ago. So that's probably it.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>...so that I keep sight of what I want, my H. Despite all we've been through, I believe we should be together.<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I wish I could say the same thing, but I'm still not sure of what I want. If I was sure, it would be so much easier.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>And yes, the colors will come back. Maybe they'll be very light and faded at first, then maybe they'll become brighter and brighter. <BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I had to smile when I read this. It reminds me of watching a Polaroid picture develop. First, it appears that there's nothing there, and then, slowly, an image appears. The colors get more noticable until finally what you have is a full picture with vibrant colors. This gives me a good positive thing to consider. Thanks.<BR>

<B> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I had to smile when I read this. It reminds me of watching a Polaroid picture develop. First, it appears that there's nothing there, and then, slowly, an image appears. The colors get more noticable until finally what you have is a full picture with vibrant colors. This gives me a good positive thing to consider. Thanks.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>YES! EXACTLY! You made <B>me</B> smile! That's an excellent description! See, you're getting it.<P><BR>My quote:<BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P>...so that I keep sight of what I want, my H. Despite all we've been through, I believe we should be together.<P>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P><B> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I wish I could say the same thing, but I'm still not sure of what I want. If I was sure, it would be so much easier.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>TS, I can't honestly say I am always absolutely sure of this, either. <B>BUT</B>, I do believe that's the way it <B>should</B> be. I focus on that statement, so that it <B>will</B> be true. Hope that doesn't sound bad or discouraging. Sometimes, we can't always have what we want. I <B>WANT</B> a lot of things, but what is <B>BEST</B> for me and my family? That's what I have to keep in mind. I was selfish too long. I've got to put my family first. (Got carried away w/the bolds! )<P>Hang in there, TS! Keep asking questions. I'll keep trying to help you!<P>SKM, <BR><B>EXCELLENT</B> analogy! I loved it! It was so true! Oh, you make me smile!! <P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by momma (edited July 18, 2000).]

-Truthseeker interesting topic, thank you for bringing it up.<P>- momma great post...<P>SKM,<P>"But now, every time he does something that is not in line with what I'm thinking, I question my love for him. Is this why I had the A???? Does he really love me? Do I love him? Will this ever work out? Should it work out?? All that stuff still runs through my head whenever something doesn't go exactly my way. I think it will go away with time, though. Each day, I feel a little more and more progress being made."<P>Wow. I am in the same situation and this is what I have been feeling as well. There have been times that I thought maybe I was losing my mind - when these questions have come, they come very harshly, and I am overcome with sadness and exhaustion.<P>Thank each of you for sharing this.<P>-Dawnn<BR>

Talking with Steve Harley, I asked what I could expect my wife's attitude would be <B>IF</B> she decided to come home. He told me most of the time, the betrayer is something like "okay, you won. Are you happy now?" Very sarcastic and semi blaming the spouse for the whole affair & all the marriage troubles.<P>At least initially.<P>Once a track record is established by the betrayed spouse of wanting to fix <B>AND</B> improve the marriage, the other spouse can see the advantages of staying in it & become more willing.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Gee Chris---Steve got that line from my wife... I should ask for royalities!

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Dawnn:<BR><B>Wow. I am in the same situation and this is what I have been feeling as well. There have been times that I thought maybe I was losing my mind - when these questions have come, they come very harshly, and I am overcome with sadness and exhaustion...</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Ditto, Dawn! I know exactly where you're coming from. I go through that still, not quite as often, but still. In fact, I was just discussing that w/someone just yesterday! Those questions are awful! <P>Feel free to e-mail me at w_m3@hotmail.com, if you want. I'll reply--as long as the hotmail server is working (I've had trouble w/it today)! LOL

Thank you momma for the offer to email, I appreciate it as I am kind of battling all this stuff in my mind and heart and have gotten a lot from your posts.<P>I am leaving town for a day or so to get away by myself. I will hopefully have a chance to respond soon.<P>thanks again,<BR>-Dawnn<P>

Chris, <BR>Unfortunately, your first comment may be true. I know initially when my H and I got back together, I felt like he had "won". Which, in turn, made me feel like I had "lost". But, I <B>didn't</B> lose, I won, too! I finally came to that realization, thank goodness.<P>The following may sound unpleasant or insensitive, but I'm being honest. When we end the A, we are giving up that relationship w/the OM. As much as it hurts you guys, we are losing a friend. I know that we deserve to lose that friend because of what we have done, but, it hurts us, too. We have to get over that, and it takes a lot of time.<P>You are right, the WS becomes more willing when BS starts the improving and fixing. But, it won't work if <B>BOTH</B> don't work on it. It's not just up to the BS. That's what's so ironic. The BS works so hard while the WS tries to make up her/his mind. It's not fair to the BS, but it's usually the situation. That's why I admire the BS for their ability to endure (and surpass) all the crap. <P>I really do think it takes both to get on the right track. If my H had continued on the same path he'd been on before my A, we would be divorced today. I wasn't going to waste my time on a marriage that was empty and had no hope. That may sound cold hearted, but it was true at the time. When I told my H about the A, I <B>honestly</B> thought he'd tell me to go, get out, divorce me, etc. I honestly thought he wouldn't want me, that he didn't love me enough. He didn't treat me like he needed me or give me that attention, love or whatever. I didn't think he loved me much at all. But was I wrong!! He truly did love me, more than I ever knew!! He fought and fought for me, he never gave up! And that's made all the difference.<P>I hope you read this, Chris. It may discourage you, but I hope it also encourages you!

k, you promote Steve enough, I think he'd owe you something! Be easier if you just put it as your signature line. LOL!<P>momma, I'm not discouraged at all by your post. It was what I was expecting Steve (& others) to say. Believe me, I have read, studied & seen more about affairs in the last 18 months that I DO know it all (well almost) & nothing surprises me. In fact I know what will happen to most people in the next few months after I talk to them for 5 minutes. Almost all afairs are "standard." (okay, so tell me what's going to happen in my marrriage?)<P>Whatever happens with my marriage, I will be fine. And whoever I end up with will be more than fine 'cause they'll have me!<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

It was a little different for me when I ended the affair. I didn't feel resigned so much, but I went through different stages. I first felt relief, then depression, and finally despondancy. Despondancy because I felt really ill about what I had done. <P>Is it maybe because the affair had died a natural death that I didn't feel resigned to my marriage? Does it take that (affair dying a natural death) to be completely over someone? After looking over all of what my actions caused, and the lies and deceit involved, I found it really hard to feel a loss from what I had with the OM. <p>[This message has been edited by Connor (edited July 18, 2000).]

Dawnn -<P>I'm here, too, if you ever need to talk (write ). I think on another post I recommended a book by Swindoll - Three Steps Forward, Two Steps back. Did you ever look into that one? I got it from Borders, might be good reading for when you go out of town. Hang in there - I know you have been experiencing some of the same things I have - makes me feel like I can't be all that out of it - if you know what I mean. If you're still reading, have a good trip.<P>Connor - I don't know if my affair died a "natural death." But, I knew the OM was not worth leaving my H for, so maybe in a way, it was heading that way. It might be easier to get other the OP if there "is nothing there" anymore, but the effects can still be pretty damaging to the WS - as far as self-esteem, etc. . .I think everyone feels a little differently. I feel alot like momma, like I lost a friend - someone I talked to every day, now is non-existant to me. I'm a sentimental person, and I know it's weird to miss someone who almost destroyed my marriage, but I know I'll get over it. Take Care!

Ugh! What a question! (just because it brings up so much for me)<P>I, on occasion, still feel resigned. We have been in recovery for 16 months. I feel, that I am, once again, "doing all the work" and it is causing me some resentment. Although, the resigned feeling/lost the battle type of feeling comes less and less for me as times passes. I am trying to deal with the resentment by fixing me and changing my attitude. I keep reminding myself to change my perspective. It does help.<P>I feel that I am out of withdrawal and have been for over a year. My EA was via the internet and lasted only 2 months. <P>Anyhoo, I always enjoy reading your posts, as I learn so much from them and the responses. I hope I have helped.<BR>

"But now, every time he does something that is not in line with what I'm thinking, I question my love for him. Is this why I had the A???? Does he really love me? Do I love him? Will this ever work out? Should it work out?? All that stuff still runs through my head whenever something doesn't go exactly my way. I think it will go away with time, though. Each day, I feel a little more and more progress being made."<P>Wow.. it is nice to come here and see this.. sorry that it is nice but i am able to see i am not the only one who is giong through this rightnow.<P>Nope did not get all warm and excited when I decided to try this marriage. We go for a time where i think we have made progress, yet something happens and Ifeel like we have gone no where. The reality is that I get to feeling like it will always be this way and then i start thinking of leaving again.<P>I still have to say that it is my kids that hold me here. Our relationship is soo strained at times. He avoids me, I get hurt.<P>"Even being so lucky, there are still moments when I doubt the decision to work things out with my H. He may say something that I take the wrong way, or he may do something that makes me angry. Prior to the A, I wouldn't have given such instances a second thought." (skm.)<P>wow ditto on this statement.. :s<P>I also feel like this. IF my H has had a bad day.. i take the blame even if it had nothing to do with it. If he is withdrawn from me I feel it is my fault.<P>He said to me not long ago that "I don't love you like i used to". That brought a real reality check to me. I finally saw the damage ihad done to my family and marriage. He told me not long ago that he would not just give me his love i would have to earn it. IF i have a bad day I get accused of calling or seeing OM>. lol... he lives 130 miles away now.. sheesh<P>well enough of me. Everyone has pin poointed all that i feel too.<P>Good Luck,<BR>mercy<P>

Mercy<P>How long has it been since you ended the affair? Have you and your H tried counseling? What you did may have damaged your marriage, but it shouldn't be irreparable. You can take the blame for choosing to engage in an EMA, but you can't take the blame for problems you didn't cause. What do you think led to the A? Were you unhappy in your marriage?<P>I'm lucky, when I told my H about the affair and he saw my remorse, he said two things (1) you are being harder on yourself than I ever could be; and (2) I don't want you to feel like you have to spend the rest of your life "making it up to me." <P>I think it does take time to fix the damage, but my point is, you can't do it alone - at least that's my opinion. Did your husband forgive you for your A? Sounds like he only forgave you "half-way." If you have to constantly "prove yourself" how is that going to make your marriage better? Might make him feel better, but how about you?<P>I feel like a parrot, but the book I'm reading now really hits the nail on the head for me (His Needs, Her Needs). I know you say that it's the kids "keeping you together," but marriage can be so much better than that. This is supposed to be your life partner, not a ball and chain.<P>I don't know your whole story, but don't throw in the towel. It just may be that you need some outside advice from an "objective" third party. The damage we cause as a WS is tremendous, and I think since we feel like we caused the situation it's up to us to fix everything once we decide to work it out. That's hard, and I don't even think it's possible. Your H has to be willing to forgive you and move forward.<P>I can understand if he can't trust you right now - I think that's pretty natural. But, you need to get at the root of the issue - why "doesn't he love you like he used to?" It sounds to me like you don't love him like you used to either - if you're just hanging in there for the kids.<P>I know the relationship is pretty strained, but maybe some outside help might work. I am so lucky to have my H - he has never once "made me prove my love for him." <P>I think that is what's pushing us through recovery - he treats me as an equal, he treats as a human being who made a mistake, he treats me with respect (even though I sometimes don't feel like I deserve it), he treats me better than on the day we got married, and he treats me like the love of his life. Pretty mushy, I know, but he's amazing. Yes, he has his faults, but I think I can live with those. Try to see if you can get some help - if not for both of you, maybe just for yourself. Take care, and let me know how you're doing.<P>[This message has been edited by SKM (edited July 19, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by SKM (edited July 19, 2000).]

TruthSeeker,<P>When I decided to stay in my marriage and work for it I felt FAR from excited. The affair started in May of last year and went downhill from there until contact was ended completely in September of '99.<P>I can tell you that I felt as you did...basically like I was just going through the motions and that it would always be that way. I felt that I would NEVER have the love that I THOUGHT I had in the affair...and that it was something I had to live with.<P>However, now I can tell you almost a year later...that things have changed drastically. The affair was something that I would NEVER want to go through again...but, my marriage is stronger now. We are even trying to start a family.<P>I don't know exactly when and how the grey clouds started lifting...but, I believe it has to do with ending ALL contact with the OP...and realizing that the OP isn't what we need in our lives to fill that void...that it caused more pain than anything. <P>I was pretty addicted to this board and I forced myself to stay away...because hearing everybody's "stories" was really painful and kept me in that grey cloud state of mind. I can come back now...and the stories are definately sad...but, the don't hurt to read anymore. I also stayed away from sappy movies and love songs...and basically just stayed away from anything that would remind me of the OP...including a specific type of beer <P>Anyway, there really is hope. I think the first step is getting over the OP and ending contact...as hard as it is. It's hard to force yourself to feel love for your spouse when you think you're in love with someone else. Once you get over the heartache of the OP...things will start looking brighter with your spouse.<P>Pam

Pam,<P>Thanks for your comments. It is encouraging to hear from someone who felt exactly the same way. So many times I hear from the betrayed spouse saying that their spouses felt the same way and now they are in love again, but to hear it from them doesn't have the same effect as hearing from another betrayer. <P>I haven't had contact with the OM in months, yet he still worms his way into my thoughts on a daily basis. I think maybe coming here is actually serving as a reminder.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>I was pretty addicted to this board and I forced myself to stay away...because hearing everybody's "stories" was really painful and kept me in that grey cloud state of mind. <BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I think that's what my situation is at the moment. I'm identifying too heavily with the label 'betrayer' (something I never would have thought I'd become) and it's not helping my self-esteem any. It's keeping me depressed. <P>I have received a tremendous amount of insight, help and support here, but at this point I think I need to take a break and just live my life instead of analyzing it to death.<BR>

Hi,<BR>I am a BS, and reading your posts helped give me insight on how my H is feeling, along with reading SAA, and some other books. I have forgiven him, love him dearly, and we have committed to working on our marriage. He just sent the "end it" to OW last week. I found out about the A the end of April when she started calling our house and hanging up. Confronted H beginning of May. Anyway, it has been a rollercoaster ride. H agreed to end it when first confronted, then she contacted him(as I knew she would) a couple of weeks ago right after our return from a wonderful vacation. Hence, H's sending the letter, and hopefully, now all contact WILL end. To make a long story short, I have concerns about physical intimacy - H is struggling (I went without for 5 months!!! finally, started up again on our vacation) with sex - I seem to be the one wanting it more than he does. He tells me to relax, that it will come given time. Did any of you have similar reactions? Is this normal? Is she still in the bedroom with us? I am wondering if I am being compared in that department? Would appreciate your insight...<BR>Thanks , A