"Sometimes a wayward spouse settles into a routine of having his or her cake and eating it too. In an effort to win the wayward spouse back, the betrayed spouse meets emotional needs that the lover cannot meet, while the lover meets emotional needs that the wayward spouse has not learned to meet. While this competition is excruciatingly painful to the betrayed spouse, and the lover as well, the wayward spouse basks in the warmth of being loved and cared for by two people, with no real motivation to choose one over the other. <P>So, to avoid an indefinite period of suffering while a wayward spouse vacillates between spouse and lover, and to avoid rewarding the selfish behavior of having needs met by both spouse and lover, if plan A does not work within a reasonable period of time, I recommend plan B."<P>It's an oldtimer here, a fully recovered, "got a marriage that is better than ever", old timer. I've been lurking about in the last few months and not posting much. I guess on these boards there will always be a never ending amount of pain and suffering, as this world will never be free from the devistation affairs bring. As a recovered person it does hurt to see so many hurting and suffering. I feel concerned enough to start a discussion about the length of time in Plan A. The above quote is from this website and Dr. Harley's article on "What is Plan A and Plan B?".<P>I've noticed on a number of posts that there is a general idea floating around that Plan B should be put off as long as possible, that it's a last ditch effort at saving the marriage, that it's one step closer to "giving up". I know that the issue of how long to continue in Plan A is a very individual thing, our tolerance levels are all so different. However, I also feel we must not lose sight of the undesirable effects of a prolonged Plan A and the basic concepts of behavior modification. Dr. Harley puts it well. We run a very real risk of setting ourselves up for prolonged hurt and agony when we "reward" our WS's selfish behavior in a long Plan A. <P>If I remember correctly,(someone please correct me if I am wrong. It's been over a year since I read SAA)Plan A was not intended to go on for a prolong period of time. I cannot recall it being written that Plan A is recommended for at least 6 months,but closer to 6 weeks would be the limit to what the average person would be able to emotionally tolerate without Plan A having some ill effects,decreasing self esteem and self worth,emotional exhaustion/deterioration from continued pain and emotional abuse, and as the good DR. puts it himself.....no real motivator for the fence sitting WS to choose in either direction.<P>From my own experience, I found that my H was much more inclined to get with it and make up his mind when I was clear that I loved him, that I knew I made mistakes and was able to show him how I was changing and that I was serious about meeting his needs and taking them to heart and that there was absolutely no way that I would put our marriage on hold indefinitely while he made his choice. Well he gave up OW quickly(she lived 400 miles away and had a small child, he's got 3 kids of his own), but was still very unsure of whether or not he wanted to remain married. He desired to separate to "discover" what he wanted. He imposed a kind of Plan B on himself. I tearfully helped him move out and Plan A'd ala Lostva. The time apart did wonderful things for the clearing of H's mind. It did him a tremendous good to see what life would be like if he chose to leave us for good.I was nice and sweet and understanding but clear that I would not wait very long for him to decide before I had to start living my life for me and the kids. He actually was probably here at home more days than he was at his new place. The kids......they never wanted to go with him,to visit, to sleep over,nothing. I never made them go.To do so would have been protecting/saving him from the natural consequences of his behavior. He really needed to see and feel what those consequences would/could be in order to make up his mind. He couldn't "make" them go to visit him either,so he found himself here at home on weekends, as he loves them dearly. This gave me more opportunity to Plan A and show him what he was missing. <P>I guess what I want to say is that I believe Plan A and Plan B are meant to go together. It makes me very sad to see so many suffering for such long periods of time...6 months to over 2 years in some situations. I feel WS must have some "motivation" to want to return to their spouses and families and see that Plan A alone does not consistently provide that.Why would anyone be in a hurry to give up the best of both worlds,conflicted or not? Being nice and sweet and meeting EN's and working hard to improve yourself only goes just so far, and takes a huge emotional toll on a BS.Having to deal with the natural and expected consequences, the reality, of losing a spouse and children and so, so much more, I believe is the most powerful motivator for a WS.<P>I know it's hard and it's scary and it's overwhelming to move to a plan that separates us from someone we so deeply love and that may ultimately leave us all alone,but don't we run that risk anyway? I guess I feel deeply that if Plan A doesn't change things in a period of time(short for me)that it's better to do something altogether different..."more of the same is likely to beget more of the same" kind of idea at play in my mind. It's been said that by changing your own behavior that you can influence a change in behavior in your partner. I'd like to suggest that if Plan A hasn't been providing you with the change that you so need and deeply desire that there is another equally if not more effective plan laid out for us here. It's not a plan of last resort, it's not a plan of giving up. It's a very powerful plan that serves to diminish your pain and suffering, to strongly motivate your WS into getting a reality check, and ultimately make you a stronger more self assured person who is able to either deal with the very real tough issues of recovering a marriage or to deal with the end of the marriage, if that is what WS ends up choosing.<P>We have a wonderful,caring, very wise group here.I continue to benefit from the expression of ideas and feelings on this and the recovery board, even though H and I are doing more wonderfuly than I ever believed possible. My desire is to stir some deep introspection and discussion about the effects of Plan A and Plan B. Ok all you "recovereds", come out of hiding now!<P>God's blessings to all of us! <BR>

Plan B is terribly harmful to children, and perhaps even impossible. One of the few things that the lawyers agreed on was the necessity of us talking about the children. Unfortunately, the OW doesn't want him to have any more contact with me than absolutely essential, so the result is pretty much a Plan B. The result has been devastating to the children. When he comes to pick some of them up, the others either don't get to see him or have to go outside in the snow, since he won't set foot in the house. I can rarely talk to him about children's issues, since he is not allowed to stay here more than a few minutes when he picks up the kids, not to mention the fact that conversations in the snow are not too pleasant. I am quite sure that many of his emails are supervised by the OW, so I don't feel comfortable discussing much that way. He is fond of implying or sometimes just plain telling me how stupid I am via email, but he doesn't do that in person. I do my best to keep him up-to-date on the kids' lives by email, but you can not have a decent discussion of anything timely when he sometimes doesn't respond for days. <P>Plan B is terribly unrealistic when there are children involved, and quite possibly a violation of the terms of the separation agreement. It just isn't practical when there is joint custody.

mthrrhbard:<P>Old-timer here...in successful recovery for almost 1-1/2+ years. On your comments, I couldn't agree with you more.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Survivor [aka_NoTrust] (edited January 06, 2001).]

I also don't think Plan B works when the affair is continuing. In that case, they aren't missing anything - as a matter of fact they are far better off. Legally, they get to see their kids when they want to, but have absolutely no parental responsibility. If the kids are annoying, they can bring them home. They have all the advantages of being a parent, and none of the work or worry. They get to keep far more of their income for themselves than they would if they were at home. And if they really cared about actually being there to raise their kids, they wouldn't have left in the first place. As long as the affair continues, they can have their cake and eat it too whether the BS is in Plan A, Plan B, or no plan at all. As I have said before, there is no downside to leaving your family for an affair partner until when and if the affair partner dumps you. <p>[This message has been edited by Nellie1 (edited January 06, 2001).]

I tried to Plan B at about the year mark, but with kids, ran into problems, somewhat like Nellie is describing. I felt it was too much to impose on a friend to have our communication about kids & arranging pickups. And, it seemed once we were talking about the kids...we were talking and not at all in Plan B.<P>So, I ended up in Plan A for 18 months through 6 separations. Too long, too much turmoil. Emptied my love bank and I cannot recommend staying in it for so long. H left me again and I was *done*. My counselor advised me to act "as if" we were divorced, and at that point I had no problem with that. And my H discovered he wanted me and the kids. It felt too late and I served divorce papers, and "moved on".<P>My H did Plan A on me 3-4 months. It was tough on him, but he did it very well. He loved me unconditionally, really a better Plan A than I had done. On me, Plan A worked without him going to B and we reconciled May 00 after 2 years of hell.<P>I doubt we would now have a recovering marriage if I had somehow continued Plan A. I was always there for him, no matter that he left 6 times, whether he was seeing the OW or not. But I can't second guess whether an earlier, successful Plan B or "as if divorced" would have had the same outcome or if this was a matter of the amount of time having passed and his fog/withdrawal ending. I do know when he wanted to come home the seventh time and I said no, he was surprised.<P>But, if we hadn't reconciled, I was ready to go on with my life without him...and for most of us that takes time, spending that time in Plan A or B is time to begin healing and making your own goals for your life, apart from whether or not you get your marriage back.<P>If it all began again at this point (God forbid!), I would not go back into Plan A. But although I feel I did it too long, I don't regret doing Plan A for that amount of time. A bit contradictory I suppose, but I did try the options, and until the last separation, I couldn't keep up Plan B or tough love behaviors.<P>I suspect the ease in doing A or B depends to some extent on personality, lifestyle and beliefs. <P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, gracious...think about these things." Phil 4:8

Well, I plan Aed for almost two years, achieved the objectives of making my husband feel safe and comfortable, changed the errant behaviors from the marriage (which was recognized by my husband), and he still never ended his affair. He wouldn't divorce me either so I finally had to take matters into my own hands.<P>In my STRONG opinion, Plan A becomes a mistake when you do it longer than is necessary to show the spouse that you can be different IF you ever get back together again. That is it's only purpose in my view. You CANNOT win the spouse back from an OP, and to try to do so is demeaning, disasterous to your self esteem.<P>To take this even further, I've concluded that there really are only two major paths affairs take. The first path is when the spouse ends things at discovery, or at least seriously tries to end things then, wants the marriage and is remorseful. We all hope for this one.<P>If the first path doesn't happen, the only hope is to wait for the affair's natural death, which may or may not happen before you stop caring. Plan A extends affairs. Plan B probably has no impact on the affair but at least lets the betrayed place their focus elsewhere. That is extremely important.<P>BTW, I don't believe a literal Plan B is necessary. It's the essence of detachment and focusing on your own life that is essential here. That's why it is do-able with children. It's not that hard to cut off non-essential conversation with a cheating spouse and act as-if you're already divorced.<P>Having been one that did Plan A far too long, I feel that I can make the following statement with legitimacy (but may get flamed by others here who I really respect). When Plan A goes on more than a few months, it's being done because the betrayed wants to do it, most likely out of fear of what will happen if the betrayed ends communication. THIS IS A VERY BAD REASON, but I feel I'm being very honest writing it. Many of us betrayeds had our self-esteem shattered by this event. We run on fear and are not sufficiently confident that we can be happy without our spouses, whatever their character really is. As a survivor of this, I'd like to assure everyone here that's afraid to end Plan A that you CAN AND WILL do better in time by focusing on your own life, loving yourself, and requiring respectful, honest, and faithful behavior from those you choose to love.

These posts are just so relevant to my current situation - see post below "have i misunderstood". From my reading you would all seem to agree that i have gone on in Plan A for too long. D day was two years ago - but I seriously began Plan A'g seven months ago. Late July H moved out at my request when, after returning from a holiday together I found photographs etc of OW in his briedcase. I then began plan A'ing seriously and we had lots of good times together. In November i asked for us to talk about where we were going. response was that "too much has been done and said" and that while he loved me he wanted to be on his own - "possibly for some time". So I left. While he said he had not seen OW "for months" I knew he had remained in telephone contact so I sent him the Plan B letter - but did not stick to it - as he kept in constant contact (e-mails and phone calls)and because I thought it would make Christmas/NY easier for me. We spent Christmas apart but spent New year together - as explained in my other post - but clearly he has resumed his relationship with OW again; <P>Right at the moment he has made plans for my birthday later this month but I dont think I can go on like this anymore. I still love him very much and believe that, if he could truly commit to the recovery process we could rebuild a happy and loving relationship. But these posts have made me think long and hard about what I do next. This am I have drafted a post Plan B letter - basically saying that I do not want to hang around on the sidelines any longer and inviting him to tell me honestly about OWs role in our current arrangements and in his future plans. I will sit on it until I read more of the responses to this thread but would appreciate any additional comments and advice you could send my way.<P>Thankyou<BR>R

In retrospect, I could just slap my own face for doing the things I did trying to meet my H's needs 110% during plan A.<P>He never got angry or sad or guilty or confused or any of the other things that "normal" (LOL! are any of them really normal?) WS's here seem to feel when their spouses are bending over backwards for them. My H absolutely loved going back & forth between us without any pressures, nagging, or demands.<BR>He thought that my behavior meant that I was becoming very open-minded about him loving two women. <BR>

In retrospect, I could just slap my own face for doing the things I did trying to meet my H's needs 110% during plan A.<P>He never got angry or sad or guilty or confused or any of the other things that "normal" (LOL! are any of them really normal?) WS's here seem to feel when their spouses are bending over backwards for them. My H absolutely loved going back & forth between us without any pressures, nagging, or demands.<BR>He thought that my behavior meant that I was becoming very open-minded about him loving two women. <P>We were actually having what I thought was a very close, intimate evening, when he suggested that it would be wonderful if he could bring OW home and we could all get to know each other and enjoy a three-some in our home. Plan A ended like an atom bomb, and NOBODY has ever done a faster, more total plan B (and big D!) than I am right now.<P>This isn't Harley's failure, or our counselors', or mine. It's just the way it works for certain individuals, and all marriages cannot be saved, no matter what one spouse wants, likes, hopes for, prays for, works for.<P>I will always wonder, though, if things might be different if I'd just skipped plan A altogether.

Rosebrook,<BR>I can tell you that there is no time that's better than any other to start Plan B. If you waited until after Xmas & New Years, & then wait until after your birthday...well, then there's Valentines, St. Patricks Day (so special to some of us ) and Easter...you get my drift.<P>Last year, the week my H wanted to come home & I said no, he invited me for a weekend away...something I had wanted...I said no--if he didn't want to live with me & have me be his wife, there was little point in being his fun weekend companion, and that was a major switch for me. We went to Disney World as a family 9/99 and he told me he would move out when we returned. We had a *great* time, he still moved out. <P>As I said, we are recovering, but having my lovebank hit empty wasn't easy to overcome and that is one of the safeguards of Plan B, you aren't in contact so your spouse isn't draining your love.<P>Distressed--HI! It's good to see you post, I think about you. You sound strong--but then, you have been very strong throughout this time. I agree with you that fear was probably a part of my long Plan A. But at the same time, when I was done with Plan A, I felt I had done everything possible to save my marriage I believe I would have moved on with only the usual regrets (should have been a better wife sooner, broken family, I never wanted to be divorced, etc) much like you are. I still could. I think my marriage will make it, but if it didn't, I know I would be ok and I don't ever again want to be treated as badly as my H treated me, and now that includes my H's future behavior. I have toughened up. But, his actions and words seem to all line up to being a good husband, so I'm not having that tested.<P>

I don't really believe that the BS's behavior has much effect on the progress of the affair. I suppose it may have a limited effect on what happens should the affair end - probably if the BS tried to do in the WS, it might have a negative impact on reconciliation prospects - but while the affair is in progress, you could Plan A or B till the cows come home and it would have no effect. <P>But given the choice between my H spending time with us a family, and treating me like a human being, and his present behavior of treating me like a pariah, and a stupid one at that, and making it clear that he couldn't care less if I fall off a ladder and kill myself, I would take the former anytime. I don't think those who have not been the object of their WS's hatred can fully comprehend what it is like.

I think Nellie brings up some points to be considered about Plan B and kids. I do believe that you can do a strict harley Plan B with kids. However, I feel that your go-between person must be tremendously supportive of what you are trying to accomplish. That said, I still personally do not believe that a strict Plan B is in the best interest of children. I think that kids should always see that their parents can come together and do what is right when it comes to issues related to parenting. I know that doesn't always happen and things get ugly but that is why I could never do a strict Plan B myself. <P>With a hybrid appraoch to Plan B, in which you communicate with WS regarding issues surrounding the kids, you see often that WS uses this as leverage to keep their foot in the door with BS.For hybrid approaches to be successful, I think that the foot needs to get slammed in the door, so to speak.When conversations work their way into being about issues other than the kids and WS isn't talking about ending the affair and working on the marriage, BS just has to be strong and speak the truth in love by saying something like "I'm sorry but conversations regarding issues othr than the our children are too painful for me." I think you then need to use those opportunities to restate that you love WS and desire for the affair to be over so that you can both work on the marriage. In restating your intentions towards restoring the marriage,and being honest about your pain, the cut off of extraneous conversation is not a LB.<P>I guess what worked for me was not my H's self imposed Plan B but as Lor describes the act "as if" approach. H always asked "Why can't we just be friends?" My response to this was "I don't hang on to friends who lie to me,cheat me or betray me. Why would I do anything different with you?" This really burst his bubble, as in his fog laden state he continued to think that he could somehow rip my heart out and I would want to be his life long friend. No way Jose! He then realized that he was not only going to lose me as his wife but as his best friend. He knew that if he chose OW there would be no relationshp whatsoever with me beyond relating about the kids. So I guess I did act "as if". Again, I think he really needed to feel what a divorce would be like, afterall that was his only other option, no way was I willing to "share" him.<P>I so appreciate everyone's thoughts and opinions.<P>Survivor.....come back and tell everyone what steps you took that made your recovery successful. I think it helps those here still struggling to have concrete examples of what we did that helped get our recovered marriages back on track.<BR> <BR>Again, thanks everyone for your responses!<BR>

<B>cheerleader wrote:</B><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Plan A ended like an atom bomb, and NOBODY has ever done a faster, more total plan B (and big D!) than I am right now.<P>This isn't Harley's failure, or our counselors', or mine.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>I'm sorry things went that way cheerleader, but I think it points out something I've been feeling for a while. When we get tossed into this it is like a form of mental illness. I don't think we are able to really control how we will act. If we love our spouse, we are in shock, and try our best to play the hand we've been dealt.<P>I hear all the time here about a plan A, with some lovebusting, or a "modified" plan b. I really think we stumble through, and the Harley program can give us a context within which we can talk about our situation. It's not so much that we are following plan A or plan B, but we are following <B>something</B>. Harley puts a name on our feelings so we don't feel so lost. <P>Personally, I've not had to deal with continuing contact - even so, I was unable to really work at meeting her ENs,at first, because of the hurt I felt. The emotions of the first few months seemed to have a life of their own. I do fall into the camp that thinks plan A can be way too easy on the WS, and counterproductive. I think there is such a thing as accountability. There was no way I could bring myself to meet her needs till I knew she had felt the depth of what she had done to us. Lovebusting? I don't think of it that way - in any event I couldn't control it. <P>I have always been amazed at the way some people have reacted and been able to do plan A. But now, I suppose if my W had given me a different set of circumstances, maybe I would feel differently. <P>So I don't know..when is it time to drop plan A? Like Cheerleader, I don't think most have any real choice. <P>Dave

there are a lot of good replies here. It is truly a discussion I have been mulling over for awhile. I have been at "this" for about a year. I have plan A'd during that time. But even though I "detached' With a long term plan A there were no consequences for my H and it allowed his new personality and support system to grow and take him further away from his "past" life (me the kids, his family of origin).<P>I have done plan A, all the while he and OW, though not living together have fought and faced many challenges that should have popped the fantasy bubble but did not.<P>And it is most likely because ow's H enables from his end and my H has had carte blanche "for the kids sake" on this end.<P>And he has used the connection with the kids to maintain a connection...though at his distance (gotta be polite, but not too nice to the wife, so as not to anger the affairee)<P>And Nellie, I can assure you that it isn't good for the kids either your H's way or my H's way. Our H's are the same in their general unhappiness with themselves that they have projected on to us.<P>Though my H has maintained much more contact with our children, I can assure you it still creates many problems and insecurites within them that continue to magnify over time.<P>Whether they see the kids as much as my H and continue on with their "new lifestyle" or not see the kids, as your H does and continue the lifestyle...it is still about entitlement...theirs and theirs only.<P>My H was so "out there" in the beginning that there was nothing I could say and didn't. But I still bought into his "I'm unhappy and my life is complicated" when he had to tell me about Ow's pregnancy. And I let him have more leeway.<P>But his life is NOT complicated at all. And he continues to do whatever he wants. <BR>It is my kids lives that are complicated.<P>At some point, even if you can't go to a Harley plan B...there has to be boundaries set. There has to be some sort of consequences....The kids are already irreparably hurt and confused by their behavior.<P>My plan A stops now..it most likely went on too long anyway. I made too many excuses..."he's sick" "he's depressed"<P>He said he was not getting any younger. well neither are the kids and I. We deserve a life too. <P>I've managed to make many changes in my life. I have managed to "do it" despite the blatant disrespect that has been thrown in my face. I've managed to shield my children from their father's lies for a year. I think my kids are the ONLY ones who are unaware of what he has done.<P>There's a point of moving forward...even if you don't want to say you are moving on.<P>.<p>[This message has been edited by tootrusting (edited January 07, 2001).]

Hello there TT, glad you popped in to see us. I'm sure I'm not the only one who misses you around here, but I can understand.<P>Of all the sadness an A produces, there is no doubt, that it is saddest for the children.If it is almost impossible for us adults to understand and make sense of,how much harder is it for them? Your children and Nellie's have incredible women for their mothers.Despite the sadness that has come into their lives they will learn much about life and courage and character from the strong women they have for their moms.<P>In the end it is their dads that will truly suffer. Their children will no doubt lose their respect for them. They will remain lonely, unhappy , lost men who only look like they have it together on the outside but are destitute on the inside. If only they'd see before it's too late that when they give up their wife for OW they give up more than they ever bargained for.

With my situation, it is my wife whom is having the affair. She and the OP, a woman who is her boss and best friend of nine years, have lost all respect for my feelings and openly flaunt the A in front of me and the OP's spouse. I have been in several sessions with Steve Harley and was actually able to get my wife to spend some time with him as well. He has identified this as a "classic" emotional affair and that my wife is not a homosexual.<P>Even though I have been in Plan A for only about two months, Steve feels that Plan B should definitely begin next month when my wife moves out. She and the OP have gone to extreme lengths to insure the secrecy of the A to all but the betrayed spouses. The wedding rings go on before my wife goes to work in tht morning and come off as soon as she gets home. The OP has already moved out to a small apartment, but no one at their company knows this. My children, two daughters 9 and 14, know Dad and Mom might separate but believe that it is only because we have "differences". My wife has openly told me that they don't need to know anything about the OP.<P>According to Steve, all that will change when we move into Plan B. The kids will be informed about the truth at that time. Since my wife dearly loves them and I believe deeply cares about how they feel about her, I am hoping that this will at least help in snapping her out of the fog. I hate using the children like that, but they must be told the truth. God forbid they find out from someone else down the road. This OP has been known to them for many years and is very close to them. It will be quite the reality shock to all.

delete<p>[This message has been edited by vernon3 (edited May 15, 2001).]

I have one more question to add to this. If h had come out of the fog in and out, how long to you base part a? Mine had left again in late sep, now he is showing signs of coming out of it again. This time i think it is for real. But as a general rule, how long should part a last? Is it suppose to be from when you first find out or from them moving out. If that was the case, of doing from when you first found out, it's about 9 months. Any advise?

Great thread, though I feel I am screwed. Married 21 years my kids, are out of the house. My job is one that forces me to work out of town for long periods of time (though I make trips home monthly and she could live with me but refuses since we are helping take care of her aged parents). I can not change jobs at this time (though a reassign-ment in the future is very possible) due to my qualifications and depressed economy where we live. My wife is on disability and, should we loose this and me having a greatly reduced income, everything would be lost. Based on the kids being gone and the separation from my job I feel we are sort of in a Plan B already. Though living apart I always call her ( before we had our D-Day and Plan A), sometimies 2 or 3 times a day, to tell her I love her and to see how she is feeling, etc. I discovered she was having an EA via internet chat. After I discovered I saw what I had done to lead us to this point and began Plan A big time. She completely denies anything going on, saying I am paranoid. She refuses to dis-connect the internet or share pass words (she has 5 diferent screen names). Even changed the telephone number on the second telephone line so I won't know when or how long she is online. Although she gives the appearrances of us "starting our future together in love" she gets right back on the net and chats with several men. Asking them to come to town for a visit. Also has cyber sex with several, sends pics (all kinds). I see this and it is tearing me apart daily, but I see little hope of a plan B helping as we are practically there already. I really do not know what to do.<BR>MrB

Always hopeful<BR> I think Harley is right on target! When the A is "hidden" it is just too possible for it to go on indefinitely, something that would cause you to lose your love very,very quickly. I don't believe there is ever anything wrong with exposing the affair. It's a lot less "exciting" when the cat is out of the bag.<P>Vernon 3<BR> I'm one who also has been separated from H and thinks it can be a positive force in the saving of a marriage. When a WS is so set on having their space I think it counterproductive to try to persuade them in the other direction. Little else shows them what life would actually be like with out their mate. I'm glad your H's self imposed Plan B worked for you. Good luck!<P>Hrtbroken<BR> Plan A and B have nothing to do with a particular "timeline". Plan A is to let your spouse see that you take responsibility for your part in the demise of the marriage and that you are willing to make and actually making steps to amend those issues. It gives WS a positive view of you. It also is about you working on yourself to make yourself a better spouse whether it be with WS or in another relationship should the marriage end. Plan B is about saving your love for your spouse.Often times when WS continues the A it is difficult not to LB and the pain BS has to endure becomes too much to bear without leaving the marriage at severe risk of being unable to repair at any cost. This is when BS separates from WS until WS is ready to give up contact and seek to repair the marriage. Hope this helps.<P>Mr. Bean<BR> Your wife is still having needs met by you, even though you are physically separated from her due to your job.I assume you support her financially,met needs for physical intimacy when you are home, and probably meet many other needs her cyber relationships are unable to provide. I guess it just comes down to how long you can wait for her to decide the other relationships are not appropriate. As it stands now she probably doesn't feel she has anything to lose in continuing her cyber relationships. Just something to think about. Good luck to you.