We have been married for twenty-two years. This is a lengthy story but I would rather get the story straight and leave nothing out. My wife had an affair with a man she worked with last year, she says its all over now but is still friends with him, which is upsetting me incredibly. Am I wrong? This all started early last year, I had to go away on work for a few weeks unexpectedly, something that was completely beyond my control. I missed her birthday while I was away, but did bring her home a lovely gift and phoned her every day. While I was away I kept on telling her to go out now and again with some of her girlfriends which she did occasionally. It so happened that I was delayed in coming home for an additional week also completely beyond my control. The plane arrived in late, my luggage got lost and I was pretty flustered. Over the weekend my wife told me she was going out with one of her girlfriends on the Monday night straight after work and she would be home later. This did not worry me at all. When she got home that Monday night she seduced me like never before and we made passionate love like we had never had in many years, but I just felt something was not right. The next morning I checked the trunk of the car and found a bag containing her best sexy lingerie. I approached her with it and she got very upset and apologetic and promised me nothing happened and eventually told me who it was, this guy she was working with, they went out for drinks. He had become a good friend and had helped her a lot at the company they were working for. I believed her. This took a few weeks for me to get over, but I did get very suspicious every time she went out and started checking up on what she was doing, which upset her. This went on for a few months and I did suspect that something was going on even though she promised many times that nothing was going on and got very upset when I checked up on her. In the interim I changed jobs, middle of the year and now have a very stressful demanding job which my wife encouraged me to take, but still suspected something may not be right. A month later it all came out. My 16 year-old SON saw the two of them necking and kissing in one of the local parks after work. This nearly killed me and I got very very upset, as she then admitted that she had a relationship with this man and had made love to him, she says only once, in his car at a sheltered spot next to the river……, although I know in my heart that it was in a park one night after they had been out for a company dinner... This nearly wiped me out, as I am not that big a person and have always felt embarrassed because I am not that well endowed and this guy is a lot bigger than me, both in stature and his penis. We were both virgins when we met each other. My wife even admitted this to me when I asked her. No, I did not kick my wife out, I was very upset more because of all the lies, but insisted she stay and we resolve this and get on with our lives and patch things up. It has taken me a long time to deal with what has happened and I feel absolutely useless, worthless and a fool. Yes, I have got a bit possessive now and she gets very upset because I keep on checking up on her, but all I want is to get this behind us, get the truth out in the open and go on. I am willing to go for counselling but she does not want to, as she insists that no-one can help her with the way she feels. She tells me that she still loves me but refuses to break off the friendship with this guy and insists that they are just friends and I am just trying to “Control” her by insisting that she stops seeing him altogether, even though it is hurting me so much. We have had many arguments about this and she often goes out with her girlfriends as she says she needs some space from me. One of these friends is a divorcee who has already told me that I must go out and find my own friends and let my wife have her own friends. Later last year I discovered that she had changed the mailing address for her cellphone account to his address. When I asked her about it she said she was sick of me checking up on her and that it was her private business and nothing to do with me and that all I wanted to see was how many times she had been phoning him. Late last year I eventually convinced her to get the account mailed back to our home address. I thought things were really improving before Christmas, but then I noticed on Christmas day that she had a new 14 carat gold bracelet on. When I asked her where she got it from, she first told me she bought it herself on a sale. Later when I asked her again she admitted that the same guy had given it to her for Christmas. This upset the rest of my day, as it was a much fancier gift than the gold chain and pendant that I had given my wife. How can I now believe that it is just a casual friendship? Do men really give this type of gift to someone who is just a friend, I find this hard to believe, or am I wrong? My children are very upset about the situation too and I can see it is affecting their life and schoolwork. My daughter keeps on asking why her mother is talking and treating me so lousy. I really love my wife tremendously and out of respect for my wife have told no-one about this up to now but just don’t know how to deal with it anymore. She is all I have and really do not want to lose her. AM I WRONG IN ASKING HER TO GIVE UP THIS “FRIENDSHIP” FOR OUR SAKES? Can I really believe this is just a friendship?<BR>I really do not want to end this marriage, I love my wife very very much. She says she needs some space and is feeling suffocated and just does not want to discuss it with me any more, although she is making no moves to leave right now and says she does love me, although has often threatened that she has to get away from it all. <BR>So, I guess the first step is to try and explain to my wife again that she should stop all contact with this guy.<BR>How do I do that when I have already tried twice already, once after I had been to my local doctor and discussed what had happened (I told her the doctor suggested it), and once a few months later when we had a disagreement and I eventually convinced her to change the mailing address on her cellphone account back to our home address. At this time it was a trade-off that she at least change the cellphone address as she kept on insisting that this was just a control issue and all I wanted to do was CONTROL HER??<BR>I feel if I approach her again about it, she will just get mad at me again.<BR>She is also feeling very homesick and depressed and wants to go back to the country we immigrated from, as all our family, both sides are still there. Her mom is not very well and she feels very guilty as she feels it is her duty to help her mom (she is still married, second marriage, but her husband is a very selfish useless man, this is my wife's stepfather). I have told her she must go as soon as possible, but we are in a financial bind right now and do not have $2500 for airplane tickets never mind the other expenses it will incur. Her mother has not accepted the fact that we have immigrated to give our children a better chance in life.<BR>My wife's father, who is also re-married, on the other hand has been very supportive and encouraged us all along and still thinks it is the best thing we could have done, not only for our children but also ourselves, as the country we came from is rife with crime and corruption.<BR>I have asked and suggested many times in the last few years that my wife seek some counselling to help her with her feelings, depression, homesickness but she says no-one can help her with the way she feels. My wife was the driving force at first to immigrate and pushed me for two years. After I had fully assessed it and agreed she was correct and starting making plans to immigrate she did get nervous about it. It was still a joint decision to immigrate and we discussed it many many times before doing it, spoke to many different people and prayed many times about it. <BR>Is this not somewhat ironic, she is the one that does not like this country and wants to go back 'home' but she is the one who has got involved with one of the local men?<BR>I am feeling pretty desperate right now as I have discussed this many times, sometimes in the wrong way (anger), sometimes calmly, to the stage where she says she just doesnt want to talk about it anymore, I must just give her time and believe that I love her. Yes, I have been pretty angry at times, but have also practically gone on my hands and knees to do my best to give her what I can.<BR>This is going to be very difficult for me I know it. I know I am also at fault here but how do I deal with my own feelings of uselessness, a failure, incompatible, worthless and to blame for it all, although I know deep down that it has not been all my fault?<BR>I love her so much, even more than now, and tell her this daily, and tell her daily what a wonderful person she is. Yes, I do get irritated at times when I also feel she is being unfair and taking advantage of the situation to belittle me and justify what has happened in that it is my fault, even though I am trying my best to give her everything she wants despite working on average an 11 hour day (I dont even know what she is up to after work, because I only get home much later than her usually. This is absolutely TEARING ME APART THAT SHE IS STILL IN CONTACT WITH HIM. I told her last night that I am going for counselling today, she was not very happy and also said that most of the counsellors here not worth anything as they do not have to have a recognized Degree to practice (somehow I have a feeling that she has been told this by the other man).<BR>I gotta get some work done now before I lose my job too.<BR>This I am still not sure of, she does not go out at night, but does come home pretty late, most nights aorund 6:30 pm and gets off work at 4:30. She does do shopping after work but sometimes I wonder if that is all?<BR>I have asked her many many times if it is all over and she has said yes, but there is still that doubt. A day or two before New Year she came home around 6:45 pm and got all upset when I was a bit upset as she did not tell me where she had been. I asked her if she had seen him that night, she insisted not, but that she had been to gym, which I know she had not. The following day she did mention something that she had discussed with him concerning her old workfriends, but insisted she had nt seen him, but had spoken to him?????<BR>The 'gift' at Christmmas has made me very upset, but all the same I am not prepared to give her up, or at the same time let this 'friendship' continue, unless she says it is all over. She often says she does not deserve me, but........every night when I get home she is just so irritable that anything I say to her she snaps at me or get supset or impatient.<BR>I am in a terrible mess and it is affecting my job. I am going for my first counselling/assessment session today.<BR>I really need some help from all you good ladies on how to win back my wife's FULL affection, and some help from you guys on how to cope with my feelings/anger/resentment/worthlessness.<BR>

Kevan, you're not being unreasonable in expecting your wife to give up this "friendship". In fact, the only way to get a marriage back on track after an affair is to adhere to the rule of NO CONTACT.<P>Have you read "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley? If not, please pick it up soon. In the book he makes a point of there being no contact with the OP ever again. It's the only way to rebuild a marriage and regain trust; not to mention that a "friendship" with the OP will always be a temptation for the affair to start up again.<P>I'd never even THINK of contacting my OM . . . EVER!!! As much as I once thought of him as a friend, there's no going back now. My marriage means enough to me that I want to work very hard to regain my husband's trust.<P>Good luck to you. I know you're hurting - you've come to the right place. There are many wonderful and compassionate people here who can be of great help.

Thanks Suzie7753,<P>Now, how do I go about approaching her again about stopping seeing him completely without her getting all upset and mad all over again and telling me that I am trying to 'Control' her?

As much as I hate to say this, you won't be able to get much cooperation if she's still in the fog as far as OM is concerned; and yes, she'll probably get angry.<P>If the affair is truly over, it should be no problem for her to accommodate your request. In fact, she should be willing to do this as a gesture of respect to you, especially after what you've gone through.<P>I used to give my H the same grief - I told him I needed space, privacy, independence, you name it. It was all to cover up the affair. I also accused him of trying to control me and of treating me like a child.<P>Once my affair ended, I realized how much he loves me and was trying to make our marriage work. He would have every right to expect me not to remain in contact with OM.<P>You'll get responses from some of the guys here whose wives are also still in contact with OM. Listen to them . . . they can give you some very good advice.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Susie7753:<BR><B>I used to give my H the same grief - I told him I needed space, privacy, independence, you name it. It was all to cover up the affair. I also accused him of trying to control me and of treating me like a child.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Susie, could you post to the "Rays of Hope" thread? He is going through exactly this with his W.<P>I'm glad to hear that you are doing well!<P>Mike<BR>

Hi Kevan...First of all Susie is not completely correct in the following:<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>In fact, the only way to get a marriage back on track after an affair is to adhere to the rule of NO CONTACT.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>This is, in fact, not true at all. I am living proof of that as well as lostva. It is certainly the <B>best</B> way, but not the only way.<P>If your W is going to label a NO CONTACT demand from you as "control", then that is how she sees it. This is exactly how my W saw it. I never demanded no contact and never even really requested it. Just said that it was the best way. She chose to ignore that and eventually the affair died anyway.<P>A "demand" of no contact will just place your W into a position of probably lying to you. Is this what you want?<P>Read the material on this site. You need to start immediately and completely into "Plan A". You need to re-make yourself into a person that your wife wants to be with.<P>Gotta go for now, but will be back

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Heartpain:<BR><B>This is, in fact, not true at all. I am living proof of that as well as lostva. It is certainly the best way, but not the only way.</B><P>Hi Heartpain,<P>I don't mean to split hairs, but I wouldn't want anyone to leave with the impression that in most cases, no contact is required to recover a marriage. I don't know your case, but if your strength is anything like Lostva's, you serve as the extraordinary exception that proves the rule for us mortals.<P>Here is the strong language Harley has on the topic in his Q&A: <P><B>Never see or communicate with a former lover</B> <P>Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage. <P>The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay. <P>Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through hell. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity? <P>In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure. <P><BR>

OK, Mike, for the most part I believe you. But you need to appreciate that my objection was to the operative word "ONLY".<P>If you looked at some of my posts in the "read-only" section from over a year ago, you will find that I argued that, while in MOST cases, the Harleys were correct, every situation is in some way <I>unique</I> and that your response to that situation must be adapted that difference. Utilizing your advice would have resulted in the irreversible destruction of my marriage. I know better than you or the Harleys because I knew my W.<P><B>I still believe that kevan's first move should be Plan A.</B> Period. As that skill is being mastered, then try to approach an agreement of "NO CONTACT". Remember that the Harleys also insist on the POJA. The keywords in that are "enthusiastic agreement". In most cases you aren't going to get that on a no contact issue shortly after d-day.<P>I would suggest that interested parties do significant research into the postings in GQ I and II. I would bet that in a vast majority of cases that a "no contact" rule has resulted in repeated deceptions and lies, even in those cases where the marriage was saved.<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>The one having an affair is in no position to bargain<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>I would maintain that in many cases the BS is in no position to bargain or demand, either. We have in some way neglected our spouse and failed to meet their needs. Often we have done this over a number of years and then on D-day we try to convince our spouses that "we can change". From many a WS's viewpoint, how believable is that?<P>Please remember that I am not slamming your viewpoints. They are all valid and I do agree, except the universality that you attribute to the solution.<P>"Being in the fog" is not a disease. All of us were "in the fog" at somepoint in our relationships with our spouses. To deny this is to deny reality and to simply attribute infidelity to a diseased fogginess without recognizing the BS's contribution and the commitment of the BS to better themselves will just prolong the pain.<P>Sorry Kevan, but my message stands: Plan A immediately...talk "no contact" a little later....<p>[This message has been edited by Heartpain (edited January 23, 2001).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Susie7753:<BR><B>As much as I hate to say this, you won't be able to get much cooperation if she's still in the fog as far as OM is concerned; and yes, she'll probably get angry.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Thanks again Susie, it is so good to get it from your perspective too. I would love to hear it from your husbands side how he was able to keep a wonderful person like yourself.<BR>

SO, one session with the counsellor behind me. I have been told I am suffering from deep depression, so who wouldnt be?<BR>Of course my wife seems to be a bit in doubt about this and has already told me that she hopes they are not going to put me on anti-depressants again. Yes, I was on anti-depressants for two years previously, before her affair started.<BR>Every night when I get home from work the first thing I do is try and give my wife a hug and a kiss, but these days she is just mocking me. Yes, I know she is usually busy preparing dinner or something else, but does a 5 second hug really disrupt everything.<P>NOW, HOW MUCH MORE ridiculing, mockery, short temperedness, do I have to absorb without getting a bit put off and my rights as a person put down? I feel that even my children are starting to lose respect for me as I am constantly grovelling and letting my wife say whatever she likes to me, whether we are alone, with the kids or with friends. Yes, I have sometimes seen the looks on our friends faces when she is short with me or mocks me in front of them.<BR>Hey, we are only all human and are not perfect.<BR>Am I now expected to be the perfect person in front of my wife all the time?<BR>Whenever I approach her to talk about us and our emotions she says she has heard enough about it.<BR>She wants to get away from it all, go and visit her mother in the country we came from. I know and do accept that she has to go back and see her mom who is not well at all but I am just trying to improve things before she leaves the country. <p>[This message has been edited by kevan (edited January 24, 2001).]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by kevan:<BR><B>Yes, I was on anti-depressants for two years previously, before her affair started.</B><P>Did you have problems with the anti-deps? There have been some great new ones introduced lately, and anti-deps are a very individual thing...you may have to try a few before you find the right one for your body chemistry. But if your counselor sees the depression in one meeting, you need to act on it. Harley recommends anti-deps to betrayed spouses -- it is hard to look like a fun alternative when you are depressed! <P>It sounds like your wife has a lot on her mind with her mother, Kevan. Maybe that trip home would be the best thing for her. For one thing, it would separate her from the OM. <P>I think in your place I would get on the anti-deps, get in counseling, and try to focus on some things that make you happy...your kids, hobbies, whatever. Give your wife some room...don't attempt affection for awhile, maybe. Maybe shock your wife by proactively suggesting that she go see her mother. I think the break could be good for both of you.<P>Mike

kevan - I still recommend Plan A...It will help you as much as your marriage and you definitely need some help right now finding some solid ground.<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Often I have to stand waiting for minutes before she approaches me<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Do you have to do this? Can you approach her? I know exactly how you feel right now and have been through a similar time, but if she isn't ready to show you affection, you aren't going to get it no matter how long you stand waiting.<P>The time is now, my friend, for you to work on yourself. Plan A and become the best person you can be. I could be wrong, but I don't believe that things may be as bad as you think. Your W needs her space right now, she is still living with you. Be as supportive as you can of her needs without imposing your needs on her.<P>You asked earlier if it was wrong for you to ask her to give up that friendship. No, it's not wrong, but she is refusing so what do you do now?? If you are going to <B>insist</B> on no contact, you have to be ready either listen to lies or move on to a different life if she refuses.<P>You know, you can really make a difference if you change your tactics. Be as supportive as you can of every part of her life that doesn't include OM. You will need to swallow some of your emotional needs(like the hug/kiss greeting) for a little while. For whatever reason she isn't really feeling like being intimate with you right now. You will never be able to force or demand that kind of treatment, so just work as hard as you can at being the person she wants to be affectionate with.<P>The truth I'm about to tell you is very hard to accept. I couldn't for a long time, but once I did, I was free....If your W is bound and determined to be unfaithful to you, there is nothing on this earth that you can do to stop it. The key is to prevent her attitude from getting there. Again, Plan A....<P>I have seen some things from your narrative that remind me of behaviors that my W also considered "control". You know, you could be "controlling" her and not even know it...not even intend it...think about it...<P>To answer another of your questions, you are not <I>expected</I> to be a "perfect" person, not all of the time and maybe not ever. Just appear to be making the effort to be, that's all....<P>Mike is absolutely right on the A-Ds and counseling. Both of those will help you get stable and more able to deal with your upside-down life. Why worry about what your W thinks about those? Just do whatever it takes to make yourself right...At this point, that is the most important thing.<P>Unfortunately, you appear to be looking to a quick and easy answer to this and there just isn't one. Have you read the articles on this web site? If not, I highly recommend them as well as "Life Strategies" by Dr. Phil McGraw. Then as you start pulling your self together, you can tackle "Relationship Rescue" by Dr. Phil. But right now, I don't think you or your W are ready to dive in and fix your marriage. You both have some work to do on yourselves first....<P>My two cents...

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Mike C2:<BR><B>[QUOTE]Originally posted by kevan:<BR>Yes, I was on anti-depressants for two years previously, before her affair started.</B><P>Did you have problems with the anti-deps? <P>Mike<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>No I did not have problems with the anti-deps, but again ny wife is against them, she says I have had enough of them. i am taking Zyban at the moment for smoking, but am not being very successful at all.<BR>I have suggested many times, even last year that she go visit her mom, but we do not have the $4000 at all right now which is making my wife even more fed-up about it all.<BR><P>------------------<BR>

<B>Originally posted by kevan:<BR>No I did not have problems with the anti-deps, but again ny wife is against them, she says I have had enough of them.</B><P>Jeez....if you didn't have problems with them, why does she have an opinion? Did she notice an attitude change or personality change that she didn't like? <P>Like, you weren't miserable, and that annoyed her? <P>I'm sorry, but I don't think medically recommended prescriptions come under spousal POJA rights, especially as her actions are center to your depression to begin with. <P>Why $4 grand to fly overseas? That seems steep.<P>Mike

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Mike C2:<BR><B>[b]<BR>Jeez....if you didn't have problems with them, why does she have an opinion? Did she notice an attitude change or personality change that she didn't like? ....<P>Why $4 grand to fly overseas? That seems steep.<P>Mike</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>We were trying to get life insurance and our premiums were tripled as I had been on anti-deps. Towards the end of 1999 and start of 2000 I was still on the anti-deps and feeling the best I had for many years, then, of course, March/April 2000 is when all h..... broke loose.<P>Approx. $4000 for airfares, accommodation and lost income .......

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by kevan:<BR><B> We were trying to get life insurance and our premiums were tripled as I had been on anti-deps.</B><P>You're how old? 29? You shouldn't be paying much for life insurance. Maybe you need to shop around...I suppose they might consider someone on anti-deps as a suicide risk, but a lot of policies don't pay off on suicide, so that shouldn't be a factor. <P>I know when I was on anti-deps and applied for insurance, they asked about it, I said it was for job related stress, and there was no rate hike. <P>Quit smoking, that would help your premiums :-)<P><B>Towards the end of 1999 and start of 2000 I was still on the anti-deps and feeling the best I had for many years,</B><P>Kevan, you need the medication, get back on it!<P><B>Approx. $4000 for airfares, accommodation and lost income .......</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Well, I understand the strain of finances, but if your wife's mom passes away without your wife seeing her again, she willreally be carrying an issue. Plus, as I said, this is an opportunity to get her away from the OM/hockey crowd.<P>I know these insurance premiums and travel costs look like reasons to sort of paralyze tinto the current situation, Kevan, but you have to face the fact that you are on a path to a divorce, the financial stresses of which will dwarf these small sums.<P>Gather your strength, get on the anti-deps, and send your wife away. I think it is a good plan to break the current negative cycle.<P>Mike<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Mike C2:<BR><B> You're how old? 29? <BR>I know when I was on anti-deps and applied for insurance, they asked about it, I said it was for job related stress, and there was no rate hike. <P>Quit smoking, that would help your premiums :-)<P>Mike</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Age - more like 44<P>I have tried to quit smoking many times, but if I get irritable with it, my wife gets mad and thinks I am directing my anger towards her - untrue, but still.<P><BR>Please assist :<BR>What is POJA?<P>What is GQ I and II?<P>Thanks<P>K

[QUOTE]Originally posted by kevan:<BR><B> [QUOTE]Originally posted by Mike C2:<BR>Age - more like 44</B><P>Oh...more in my range Even so, I may be wrong, but term life shouldn't be all that expensive if you are in decent health. And do some shopping....it is certainly silly to avoid taking necessary medication for the purposes of having life insurance.<P><B>What is POJA?</B><P>Policy of Joint Agreement. This is a central tenet of MB, although, I'm sorry to say, it does require a spouse that is at least not constantly openly hostile. <P>Here is a link: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html</A> <P>And you might benefit from reading all the basic concepts from the beginning: <P> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html</A> <P>What is GQ I and II?<P>General Questions 1 was the predecessor baord to this one, now closed down and General Questions II, this board.<P>Kevan.....I don't know how to counsel you, because I think your situation calls for dramatic action in order to shake your wife out of this pattern of abuse toward you, you need to establish some boundaries and respect in this situation. <P>I would strongly advise you to counsel, alone, with Steve Harley. He has helped a lot of people through this situation. <P>Mike<P>

kevan - This forum is General Questions II...The old GQ forum had some technical problems and was closed <I>for new posts/replies only </I>. It is now read-only and you can still search for and read posts from there...Lots of wisdom in those old posts...<P>How are you doing today???

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Heartpain:<BR><B><BR>How are you doing today???</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>Hey, I am here, alive, well and living. I blew it again last night, met my wife at the physiotherapists offices where she had been for treatment to her back and shoulders (she got a bit upset because she thought I was checking up on her, but it wasnt the case, just wanted to give her a hand with the shopping after she had been for treatment so that she didnt undo the good that the Physiotherapist had done). When we got home things were looking a lot better, but then while packing things away and cleaning and tidying up I was wondering to myself when she had last worn the bracelect she received from OM, and she caught me browsing in the cupboards where her jewellery is kept. So I really am not in her good books now, as I was told that she knows that I am still checking up on her and she is getting sick and tired of it.<BR>I wrote her a lengthy personal letter this morning together with a card, explaining my feelings, wrongdoings and commitment to improve things between us from now on, based on some of the Plan A principles. A very dear lifelong friend of hers is arriving today from overseas for a few days, so hopefully all goes well and this should at least take the heat and friction off things for a while. I have to go away on business for a couple of days next week.........<BR>