Wish me luck. My H called me last night around midnight and wished my Happy Birthday!! I was surprised. But he just keeps saying we have to talk but he won't tell me about what and won't make time to talk. It is driving me crazy. I am convinced he is going to tell me he is back with OW, then I'm going into plan B immediately. That is MY limit.<P>The problem I have is that my MC says my husband runs away from his problems in the hopes that they will just go away and if I go into plan B, isn't that what I'm allowing him to do??? He can just forget about me and the kids and pretend we don't exist and go do his thing. <P>That goes against the MB principles, so I'm confused there. Then I have my two best friends who are saying just dump the guy, you'll find someone better, he keeps hurting you. I am the one not accepting he is out of love with me and that I need to move on and forget about him. BUT, I KNOW that my H has a problem and just needs help. It feels like I am abandoning him in his time of need (isn't that sad? he abandoned us after all to go deal with his issues alone). <P>I guess it's hard to explain to them how it is. They are not living it. I mean, if my husband just went and had a PA (his was EA) or was totally mean to me all the time or truly made me believe we weren't meant to be together I would feel different and say "the hell with him". But he is waffling, the issues are inside of him and not with me, our marriage or the kids. He thinks if he runs away and starts a new life with OW that all the pain will go away and the issues will disappear inside him, but they won't!! Or will they?? I guess they may for a while, but I'm sure they'll come back.<P>Ugh. So will plan B really help in my case? I cannot plan A anymore, it is too hard for me knowing he is with HER (if he is - I don't know for sure yet...). All my love will be gone very soon in that case, it is depleting rapidly as it is. It seems like a lost cause for me.

I can't advise you one way or another. Especially since I have probably acted rashly with my own plan b, that's not <BR>, but I am here to support and listen to you.<P>I know others, more wise and knowledgeable in MB than I, can advise you better.<P>Have you/Can you try the counseling center at MB? I made my own app't for next week to get advice.<P>Take care hurt. The next margarita I have will be dedicated to you .<P>(((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))<P><P>------------------<BR>Cali<P>"Humble yourselves, therefore,under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." <P>1 Peter 5:6-7

Just a note to say I feel as though I am at EXACTLY the same point as you are. I snuck a peek at my WH's e-mails today and it looks very much as though him and the OW are planning a future together I have to wait until he gets back from England, to hear it from his own lips, but I've got a very bad feeling that things are going to get much worse. I know that I should 'Plan B' too - but like you, don't really know if it's for the best - for me to go into a proper Plan B, I will have to move back to England, buy a house, find a job, find childcare, the kids will have to move schools.....blah blah etc., and I just don't know if I can cope with any of that - my WH always 'looked after' me and dealing with this sort of stuff scares the hell out of me. It also means that he's 'free' to run away with the OW if he so wishes and I won't be able to keep track of him, being 5,500 miles away - what if he just stops the child support payments? I don't have a cat in hells chance of coping without a regular money supply - I haven't worked in the past 10 years, and can't work over here in the USA because I don't have a green card yet - so I HAVE to move back, give up my home and have to deal with all the hassles that entails. It's just not fair!<P>Of course, I could continue to stay in America - but going through all this hell with all your family and friends on the other side of the Atlantic is no bed of roses. I can't just call them when I'm down, because usually the time difference means that it's 3am or something ridiculous for them. Sometimes I just ache...really ache...for a hug from my Mum or Mother-in-Law, or my Dad to put a protective arm around me and tell me it's all going to be OK... <P>My husbands family also agrees with me that my WH has always had a real problem with admitting he's made a mistake, and will suffer anything to avoid having to do that - so what are my chances of him actually eventually admitting that he wants me back? slim! <P>I don't know what to say.....just that I'm thinking of you and know what you're going through. The decision of whether or not to Plan B is a toughie!<P>((((hugs)))) Paint.

Hi Paint, I hear ya. Would your family be willing to "temporarily" help you out by sending you to England, say for the summer? You can plan B from there, and if things don't go better it will at least be easier to make the adjustment to a permanent move then... Just a thought, talk to your family and see.<P>As for me, my H didn't call me back yesterday so I didn't plan B. I've made up my mind to do it (if he's back with OW, and I'll even stil do it if he's still not sure what he wants, but I'll wait a little longer if that is the case, plan A a little longer).<P>My issue is that I don't think it will work in my case and I'm getting conflicting advice from my friends, MB, and my C.I know plan B is for me, not him, but I still help but hope that he'll smarten up and want to get help for his issues.<P>Running away from all your responsibilities, abandoning your family and trying to start a new life with OW is just WRONG! And when I plan B it just seems to me that I am enabling him to do this. <P>I'm tempted if this happens to serve him with a "parental waiver form" thing that gets in writing that he is abandoning us and basically it's like he's not a parent anymore. I mean if he's not going to get help and he's just abandoning us anyway, I'd rather get it in writing rather than always worry 10 years from now that he will come back and screw with me all over again... What do you think?

Dear HurtbyHubby,<P>I agree wholeheartedly with you about receiving conflicting advice. Since my H confessed to his A in April, 2000, I have read so many books and articles regarding how to handle cheating spouses. One author recommends one thing, while another recommends something completely different. Obviously, we want to do what will be successful, but with conflicting advice, how are we to know whose advice to follow???<P>I further sympathize with you because my H is like your H--he runs away from his problems or at least tries to avoid dealing with them (a classic conflict avoider!). I am very interested in what your counselor told you...that going to Plan B would allow H to run away from his problems. I am concerned because I am now in my 3rd day of Plan B. Now, I worry whether I should have gone to Plan B. However, it was destroying me to know that H was spending time with OW and then lying to me about it.<P>I apologize for not offering any help. However, I spoke with Jennifer Harley Chalmers on several occasions. Jenn recommended that I go to Plan B in February. However, as I said, I just began Plan B on Tuesday.<P>As for your concern about abandoning H in his time of need, during my last session with Jenn, I told her that I was afraid that H would not hit rock bottom until it was too late for us or that he would stay with OW and end up being miserable. Jenn told me that she agreed that it is sad that some WSs just don't come out of the fog until it is too late. However, she said that I could not allow H to make me hit rock bottom with him. Jenn said I could be there on the side to help him back up, but that I couldn't let him take me with him. Please think about this and let me know what you decide to do. I would be very interested in seeing how someone else chooses to deal with this situation that I am going through. As I said, I am now having second thoughts about Plan B based on what you counselor said.<P>Hang in there!<BR>dolphin<p>[This message has been edited by dolphin (edited June 07, 2001).]

Well, my story might be of some comfort to you both. My husband was running away from his problems when he left me too (twice, once for one day, once for almost 3 weeks). He aso wanted to run away from resposibilty and problems.<P>Funny thing happened though. He got out there the second time, moved in w/ OW and the EA went PA and as soon as it did it was a huge wake up call for him. He realized what he was doing was wrong. He wasn't any happier, in fact he was miserable because he missed me and the kids. Realized he wasn't getting away from problems he was making a huge mistake and called begging to come back home and a very changed and humbled man.<P>While he was gone I only spoke with him about once a week, usually he called me. When he did I always let him know that I was his wife, he was my husband and we missed him. He would say stuff like he was never coming back, that we were going to be ok, etc, but he told me later that he was just trying to convince himself of all of this to ease his guilt and it didn't work. He heard in my voice how hurt I was and it made him ache and really think.<P>There is hope. There is always hope. Hang in there, but don't hang on so tight you don't give them a chance to hang themselves in the mess they are creating, you know? You will seem clingy and needy if you do.<P>

Well, as much as it will hurt, I am still going to plan B - if I can ever find my damn husband!! He won't call me back and I have no clue where he is or what his phone number is!<P>Dolphin, I too am scared to death that my C is right and he will just use this to run away forever. It's possible. But I agree with Jenn, I can't let him drag me down with him as he hits rock bottom.<P>Scared, how on earth did you deal with your husband going from EA to PA. In my mind I have told myself, never, I will never take him back if he goes PA, and he knows that and I think that is one of the reasons he is in such turmoil. This is major for me. My H and I have only been with each other sexually. How could I ever get over that, I would feel like I am giving in and he has this power over me. Did you? I forget, do you have kids? How did they deal with him being gone? How on earth did you deal with him being with HER, knowing it was probably going to turn PA?<P>Thanks. I suddenly got this overwhelming feeling of - I can do it! Now if I can just find the damn guy to give him the letter... I guess I should hold off on the Divorce papers and the paper saying he is abandoning us. Maybe I too will feel like Scared and actually be willing to take him back if he goes PA. I don't see how, but I have to leave it open I guess...

You know to be honest, the PA part was the easiest to forgive because it was the turning point that brought my H home to me. I almost have to thank her for that.<P>There were ghosts in our bed for a while, I'm not saying it didn't hurt. ut I already have gotten past that, three months working on 4 later. It's the betrayal of his lying to my face during the EA that actually hurt more when I heardthe whole story.<P>Don't be so soppy about we have only been with each other. Life is messy to quote our friend, and way too short. If he comes home to you instead of her I guarantee that will pass with time. If he is trully sorry for what he has done like my H you will be so relieved at finally having the H you wanted you'll want to send her a thank you card too. (given a little time). <BR>

Paintbox,<BR>I know I am replying to you in hurts thread..But what you posted is wrong. If you H is a citzen here in the US, and you two have owned homes and paid taxes here. you need to stay, until the D ( if it comes to that is final, and you get a court order for support) You can make it were your H has to pay the court, and checks are sent to you....you wont have to enforce that...the court system will. If you cant work here cuz you dont have a green card, and you have been a stay at home mom for 10 years..STAY STAY STAY.. he will be forced to pay alimoney...and to top it off if you are in a fault state...you will get the majority of the martial assets.. DO NOT RUN BACK TO ENGLAND..HAVE SOMEONE COME HERE FOR EMOTIONAL SUPPORT until it is over....talk about leverage in plan B...heck...if that does not scare hubby into fidelity nothing will..he probably thinks you will run back to mum..and leave him free with all his assets and money..poohy on that GET STRONG AND GET SMART...they will not deport you....tell him HE NEEDS TO MOVE OUT...if you are going to plan B.. do plan B...most of these guys think we are not strong enough...just read your post to hurt...that is exactly what your husband thinks...you have given him all the power to have his cake and eat it too...take the power back..and let him fend for himself until he comes out of the "fog"...watch how fast he will...if he realizes you are too smart and HE WILL BE PAYING SUPPORT, AND ALIMONEY regardless if you are here or in england...the state will take it from his check for a small fee and send it to you...if he stops paying...they garnish his wages( a friend of mine does this..she is in Canada)...I know this is not what you want..you want you H back...but I know you dont want him and OW to have everything you worked so hard for...so get strong and do the proper plan B..<BR>AS far as hurt...same goes for you..if you are going to do plan B..then do it...I know all the confusion, My H wants to stay..and work..I am having a hard time right now with forgiveness, and I have stayed for the kids and the long history...and I am in the anger phase.. If my H had left..I would have contacted a lawyer, and had H talk through him..I am like I said in the anger phase ( I actually did ask H to leave..he talked me into staying)..my Plan B would have been really strong...I know H would have had a cornary..cuz he is into his assets and losing them would have been a REAL nightmare..part of my problem..I think is motivation is money...time will tell..I have not been too nice to him..but I never Boffed anyone either...this is just my opinion...and Paint ..you should speak to a lawyer in your state...BUT you and your kids should be protected here in the states...it is really tough these days on deatbeat dads..GOOD LUCK MC

MC - thanks for that kick up the butt - I need one from time to time LOL! My family actually thinks I should stay here and stand my ground too, and I think that's the best thing, but it's hard sometimes.<P>HurtbyHubby - I'm finding that conflicting advice from friends etc., is very confusing too - that's why I come here such a lot, everyone is on the same path and actually understands what we're trying to do. Even my Mother-in-Law told me that "He isn't worth it, you deserve better", and people keep reminding me that there are plenty more fish in the sea! Sometimes it's hard to stay on track when so many people are pulling you in different directions, but only YOU truly know how you feel about your husband...and the way I see it, If you give up too soon, you will always be wondering 'what if?'. At least you will have the satisfaction, and closure, of knowing that you gave it your best try - whatever happens.<BR>Paint.

Paint,<P>That is it in a nutshell. You got it!<P><BR>The legal advice sounds good, better talk to a lawyer before deciding to take off for England!<P>

NOOO!! I just finally got to talk with my H. He is back with HER! He spent the entire 4 days he was gone brooding over how much he hated me and how mad he was at me, all the while going to see HER. He was upset because he thinks I'm going to move far away just so he can't see the kids. If I move it's for me to get over him and so our kids can live a good life, not to get back at him.<P>He says I use the kids as pawns because I said he can't see them if he doesn't get help. Duh, of course! Like I am going to let this man keep verbally abusing them and hurting them. No way! If he gets help, fine, but not the way he is. He took it to mean I said he could never see the kids.<P>He says he is going to get counseling - so he can be a better father. But we are through, he is with OW now. If he does get counseling for his issues it's going to be so he can fix things with her.<P>Oh, I am so sad. I really thought he was spending these 4 days thinking about us and the good times we had (like he said he would).<P>Now I want to go to plan B, but I have to re-write my letter before I give it to him. And then he's going to think I'm using the kids again because our "liaison" is going to have to be his parents (closest relative 2 hours away), so in order for him to see the kids he has to drive two hours. <P>And, do I really want to go to plan B? Everyone says I would be stupid to take him back, etc. and my H just says my willing to work it out just shows how obsessed I am with him. And I told him if he ever went back to HER that it was over (sort of). He made his choice, so how can I take him back (if that ever happened...)??<BR>