Hi Everyone,<P><BR>I have not posted about myself in forever. I try not to because I feel very depressed about my situation and I want to try and be positive on the boards. <P>I should be happy. We got a great house in Nantucket and are going during the height of the season. Last night I was starting to see about getting a car over. I told Tony how much it would cost. He made some sarcastic remark and I lost it and said "well maybe this year you will not try and sleep with S or anyone else". He told me that the comment was unfair and he walked off. I just thought it is unfair I have to deal with this garbage.<P>I have gotten to the point that I hate going to Nantucket. I would rather go to Martha's Vineyard or Europe. Why do we have to go to Nantucket every year? If I have not found out about an affair he tries on the island. Plus I hate August. His first affair ended right before I was to meet up with him for vacation (yes in Nantucket) before we moved in together. <P>It is not just vacation. He and I have been fighting a great deal. He refuses to get a job. He will not even look for one. I do not want to be with a man who would willingly live off of me and also not have the fortitude to be faithful, honest, and have honor. I just find Tony lacking in so many areas.<P>Maybe being from the South I have higher expectations in a human being. I think living your life honorably means something. Being honest and forthcoming in all areas. I think Tony knows I am at my wits end. He either is being very saccharine nice to me or he tries to play on my sympathy stating he feels he is going mad and having emotional issues. Most of the time he is just filled with rage. <P>It does not help that I have been sick for about four months. Something is really wrong. I have been kind of lying to my Mom. She is worried that it is a genetic based disease that several family members have. I have done a lot of research and it could be or not. I tried to talk to Tony about it but he does not want to know. He knows I have been really sick but he pushes me to do a lot of stuff around the house. He gets angry if it is not done. Some days I just do not have the energy. When he is gone it is a relief because than I can rest and get a good nights sleep. <P>I think I have finally gotten to a point where I am emotionally able to leave Tony. I just do not care anymore. He will never change. One therapist we went too stated that I should just get out now because he never wants to work on the issues and he will always manipulate the situation. I see that now. <P>I guess this is why I do not want to post. It seems so depressing that I will probably not make it in rebuilding a true relationship. But I did try. August is not here yet maybe something drasticly will change. <BR>

Pahakissa,<P>I don't have much to say at the moment. Perhaps, I will, later in the afternoon.<P>It sounds like you need a hug.<P>(((Pahakissa)))<P>One thing, though...Please take care of yourself. From what you wrote, I am concerned for your health. Take a break from all of this. Do something for you and try to relax as much as you can...maybe getaway for an afternoon or maybe overnight! How about yoga?<P>Just do something for you! I'll check up on your post later on.

Paha--I'm sorry things aren't going well for you.<P>You say you are doing research on the illness you may have? Have you been to the doctor, run tests? It's no fun being told you have a disease--in my case rheumatiod arthritis--but at least it gives you a direction for treatment. And when I am fatigued, I have to rest, or it gets worse.<P>If Tony is not working why isn't he doing the stuff around the house, why should he push you and get mad? I know you love him, but the guy should be doing something. I'm not feeling too sympathetic to Tony today. You've shown a lot of patience with him.

Survivor -- Thanks for the hug. I do try and take care of myself. It is nice that someone cares though. <P>I just got back from a really trying weekend at Tony's parents house so I am stressed over that. It would be nice to take a break from it all. I am going to NYC in two weeks. That will be nice.<P>Lor -- My Mom is really worried that I have Lupis. It is a hard to pin it down because the symptoms are similar to other things. I have gone to several doctors. Most do not think I have it. Good thing. One doctor was not too sure and I was suppose to get tests done. The sad thing is she quit before I could get them done. <P>I still do not think I have it but it is genetic and several family members on my Mother side had it including my sister. I think what is causing the concern is that I have allergies really bad. It even affects my skin sometime because of the detergent amd perfumes. It is hard to tell between the skin rash I get from my allergies and if from lupis. I just have not suffered from allergies this bad before. Maybe stress is weakening me so much.<P>Tony does a lot around here. The yard is perfect and almost everything I wanted done on the house if finished. The problem is that Tony expects me to help him with everything and get all my stuff done. I have stopped doing a lot with him just out of the fact he can get really angry if I do not do it exactly the way he wants. I am not a mind reader.<P>Wishing both of you the best. Thanks for listening.

Hi Paha,<P>Gosh, what can I say? I was just gonna give hugs too... is that okay???<P>(((((Pahakissa)))))<P>I am so sorry for your continued, and continued, and continued pain. It sucks. <P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>And we know. We who have seen. ~Pellegrino

((((((((((hugs))))))))<BR>more later paha, gotta go to work.<BR>cl

Hi Sheryl and CL,<P>Thank you very much for the hugs. Needed very much. <P>Today was not a good day. It seems that it can get worse. Again thank you for the hugs.

Dear Paha,<BR>(((((((((((hugs))))))))<BR>Oh my goodness Paha. And just why are you suffereing thru another Nantucket vacation?! <BR>Take a stand girl. It is okay to speak your mind, it is okay to say I dont want to do that. Plan a is not Plan doormat. POJA is the Policy of JOINT agreement, not a one-way street to hell.<BR>You are making some huge steps in self-discovery arent you? <BR>Be strong paha.<BR>Sending postive energy your way! cl

Hi CL,<P><BR>How are you doing with all the crazyness going on in your life right now? Try and take time for you.<P>I did not go to Nantucket last year. Instead we went to Florida but Tony went to Nantucket without me. He was nice enough to go out drinking with his sister and his sister's best friend. Well he got drunk and did marajuana and decided to try and have sex with his sister's best friend. How nice of Tony to inform me a couple of months later while we were on vacation. Either way it is no fun.<P>Do try and take some time. I know how you are feeling even if I did not post to you. I just felt I would not be very uplifting for you and that is probably what you needed.