well, I read the reply in my other post about writing MM a no contact letter. I follwed the letter to a "T" and had printed it out and sealed the envelope...but didn't know where to mail it to ( he just moved) and I also thought about how if he could blow me off over the phone and just write it off as me being cranky, he would easily say that he never got the letter, or that he thought someone else wrote it trying to be funny or any other excuse. So I got in my car and drove an hour to his job and was waiting in the parking lot when he came out. I didn't want to cause a scene, so I just said follow me and we drove to a parking lot a little ways down the street. he got in my car and got ready to kiss me and I held up my hand. I said I want you to look into my eyes so that you know I am SERIOUS and listen to what I have to say. I told him that I thought it was best for all concerned if we no longer associated anymore. That means no phone calls, no visits and definately no sex. That what we had was fun, it meant a lot to me and that now it was time to move on. He was a little angry at first and asked me if it was another man, that he could handle me having a boyfriend as long as we could keep seeing each other. I assured him it had nothing to do with another man(my cop friend actually had no part in that decision), that I thought it was best for me, him, his wife, and his children. I told him he and I both knew he was never leaving home and as long as he was in an affair, he would never be happy at home because he would always be wondering when and if he was ever going to get caught and what the consequences would be. I also said that his wife is about to deliver their second child and she is almost 2 weeks over due, she's going to need you a lot more now than ever, not a portion of you , ALL of you. He asked me sice when was I so concerned about his wife. I said I am concerned about YOU and she is a part of you.If she isn't happy, YOU aren't going to be happy. Then he asked me who had I been talking to and who convinced me to break up with him. I said I convinced myself and I'm doing it because I love him and I love ME and it was the right thing to do for BOTH of us. THEN, he was quiet for about five whole minutes, he had his head hung and I was looking out of my window to avoid having him see how much that conversation was tearing me up inside. Finally he said, "But you PROMISED!" I looked at him and he was actually CRYING!!!! Lord, it took all I HAD not to cry with him. In october we were having a conversation after we had had sex and he made me promise that we would always see each other and that we would always be there for each other. At the time, it seemed like a good idea and he even bought me a promise ring for Christmas.in hindsight, I wish I was wearing it today to give back to him but I haven't put any of my jewelry back on since I got back from my military training. I said, i know I promised but you know that it just can't work out that way.{this is the part I messed up at} I told him that if he ever really REALLY needed me for something, I would be there for him but I will no longer continue to have sex with him or come to visit him or have daily phone chats with him. He asked what could he do to change my mind. I said "nothing." He looked at me (still with tears in eyes and said, " I can't believe you love me that much that you would put my family first, and I love you enough to respect your decision." For a slpit second I thought things were going the wrong way until he finished that statement. He just kept looking at me and I said, "Goodbye" He leaned over and kissed me on the forehead and said "I love you. Goodbye" He got back into his car and drove away. I sat in my car in that spot for about ten minutes and cried. When I regained my composure I got on the road and started to drive home and I cried almost the whole way here. Even as I write this, I've cried. I KNOW I did the right thing but it hurts so damn much, my heart is shattered in a thousand pieces. On the ride home I put in my CD by Changing Faces and played the song "Can't Be That Other Woman" like ten times.<BR>When will it stop hurting?<BR>

Oh, now I'm crying too....you are so, so brave. You did absolutely the right thing - and I know it hurts like hell. We are still here for you and have a great respect for you, and for what you did today. <P>Sending some massive (((((((((((hugs))))))))))) and you can come cry on my shoulder anytime,<BR>Paint.

The pain goes away a little bit each day. Next week will be different than this week and so on...<BR>Stick to your guns. Sometimes its easier to fall into old relationships than it is to get past it. <BR>You did a good thing.<P>take care,<BR>cleo

WELL DONE!!!! You have done an awesome thing for everybody. You're amazing. <P>If he ever again mentions your promise, remind him that he had no right to ask for it given that he made very serious promises to his wife until death them does part....<P>

I too am about to cry for you and am proud of you too. It takes a very brave person to do something they know is going to hurt. It is so much easier to just stay in the situation to avoid the pain. As much as it hurts right now you did a wonderful thing for yourself and for him and his family.<P>So {{{{{{hugs}}}}}} for you.<P>Do be careful and resolved. He may try to contact you. So have a plan on how you will handle that.<P>The pain you are feeling will go away with time. Time heals all.<P>Do keep coming here. I'll keep an eye out for your postings and give you all the support I can.<P>You are increadable.<P><BR>Z<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

Oh, I'm soooooooo very proud of you. I too am crying. It was a trully wonderful thing you have done!!! You used my letter, wow, I'm shocked, flattered, and really impressed with YOU. <P>Get ready to stick to your ground if he tries again to contact you and he might, withdrawl is going to be tough for both of you, but contact will not help only prolong the pain.<P>God bless you for doing the right thing!! <P><BR>

Thank you all for your support. just reading your replies reenforces that I did what NEEDED to be done and it helps. I miss him already but I will not go back to him EVER---for my own peace of mind.

What you did is very very good. Almost 100% but not quite good enough. I don't agree with what you said totally and I think his wife also would not agree:<P>"I told him that if he ever really REALLY needed me for something, I would be there for him but I will no longer continue to have sex with him or come to visit him or have daily phone chats with him. "<P>I believe in zero contact. You are leaving yourself open for more trouble. You have given him an "in." His wife should be good enough for ALL his needs. He does not or should not need your help. Does it mean you can have monthly phone chats with him. I would not want you to have any phone chats.<P>

that's what I meant when I said "that's the part I messed up at" It's one of those things that you don't realize what you said until after you said it. I didn't mean we would have monthly chats either. I meant years down the rode, if something was going horribly wrong in his life but you are right, I shouldn't even be there for him then either. It's just that after 3 years, it's terribly hard to imagine me turning my back on him if he ever SERIOUSLY needed my help.

I haven't posted to you before, but I want you to know that I am so happy that you made this decision and followed it through. I posted a message once about the "love" that many OP's have for someone else's spouse, and I wrote that if it were really love, the OP would do just what you have done. <BR>You have my respect and gratitude. Hopefully there will be one less wife hurting as I and others are.<P>Keep coming here and we will keep supporting you.<P>THANK YOU for caring enough about yourself and that man's family do do this.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Kudos to you kiddo! What you did took alot of gumption and faith.......and I applaud your actions. Redemption is an honorable trait that is awarding in itself. I, being a betrayed spouse, thank you for loving the MM and setting him free to make amends within his own home. His wife and family deserve this and so much more. Although you may feel differently at this time, you will not regret having to make such a difficult decision. You can rejoice in knowing that you've helped bring a family back together again. No family deserves anything less....<BR><P>------------------<BR><B>Time heals all wounds as long as you DON'T pick at them!</B>

You might have been tooweek before , but Ithink it's about time to change your name. You showed great strenght in what you did and am really glad I came here now and read your post.<BR>I understand what you said about the "messed up part" , and I can see you recognize that it was a mistake. It's understandable, in such an emotional situation, and I'm sure you will be able to rectify that.<BR>ALl the rest was admitable and althouhg my h's affair was over 3 years ago, and things are fine with as ( and his ow as well, I heard she married last summer and finally found what she was looking for )it really made me feel much better reading your post. It's like a reassurance that some people find the strength to do the right thing.<BR>I admire you and respect you for what you've done, and I know that even thought it is hurting you have to feel proud of yourself.<BR>Hugs<BR>Kat<P>------------------<BR>"Each and everyone of us is deserving of a gentle thougth, a kind word and the gift of understanding"

You done good!!! Yes, the pain will pass. You have gone through a major education and turning point in your life and come out to have the respect of this board. <P>Now you will have to keep your word to keep that respect. It is not automatic but the rewards are great. The love you feel you have lost will be replaced by someone who can show it unconditionally. Then you in return will be able to reciporcate. <P>You can not remove all the hurt and pain you and OP caused his family, but you can fix the future. I remember a man I once knew when we 'broke' up (no pa), because he lied to me I said that if he ever saw me again to cross the street and walk on the other side. I have posted this account before but I did see him about 12 years later and had to keep walking down the aisle at the store and remind myself out loud that I loved my H and son. My baby was less than 2 years old and those feelings came back quickly. Yet, my love for my family helped me overcome them. Yours can also. <P>Take Care, <BR>L.<BR>

Hmmm - your new name should be...???<BR>Integrity? Strong-One? or perhaps Awesome and Amazing.<P>Hugs to you and prayers too.<P>Keep coming here for support.

This is so great. God watches over folks like you who do the right thing. Work on yourself for a while, gather back your "lost" self-esteem, focus on you and your health, both mental and physical, take time for you and only you! A new hobby? A weekly trip for a back massage? Anything to get you busy and him off your mind. You will meet new people if you keep busy, and have human contacts that are new, GOOD THINGS WILL HAPPEN. The important thing is you gather yourself together and work on you. When the time is right you will finally meet the man of your dreams and he will be SINGLE and will devote his life to you. And you will affair proof your marriage at that time so no one in your circle has to suffer again. You will be the best wife and mother!!<P><BR>