Okay, so I'm writing my plan B letter. But I have a big problem. I have no friends/family around. My closest relatives are my H's parents who live 2-hours away.<P>So, in my original letter, I said that his parents were going to be the liason for me (I live only 10 minutes from him) and that all issues had to go through them including visitation of the kids (because we are in no contact).<P>BUT, here's my problem. I need to make sure they are supervised until my H gets to counseling and proves to me his is fit to have them by himself (he says he's going to go to counseling so this should not be an issue in a little while from now). Which means, he has to drive 2 hours to go see them and he is currently not talking to his parents (because of our situation and them getting involved).<P>SO, my only other option is to allow him to come here to see the kids, but then I am not in No Contact and I would have to deal with him and talk to him often (not what I want).<P>How do others deal with this and what should I LET him do? See them whenever he wants? I am sorry, maybe I am just selfish, but I don't think this is right. He goes off and leaves us for another woman and he gets to see his kids whenever and just toss me aside like trash.<P>I guess it is hard for me to seperate me from the kids. Everyone says I need to, but do others feel it is not right? I feel like we are a package deal, he left the FAMILY, not just me! Yeah, he wants to spend time with the kids, but how does that really help them? How is it good for a child to live like that, rather than having one parent in a good stable home that they can count on?<P>I am so totally against divorce and splitting kids up between households!! But it's like I have no choice, I'm a horrible person if I don't let my H see his kids, he's the one that left us!! I didn't do it, it's not what I wanted, why do I need to be the better person and give in and do things I don't believe are good for my children? What if he just keeps hurting them? Why should I have to be without my kids just because he wants to see them?<P>How do others deal? Anyone feel the same way as me, or am I just a selfish jerk?

<<"What if he just keeps hurting them? ">><P>Has he been abusive?? I need to know that before I can answer- honest answer please.<P>

I'm in a similar situation in that all our friends and relatives are the other side of the Atlantic, but unlike you I CAN trust my husband to be alone with the kids. At the moment I'm still trying to Plan A....but if Plan B becomes necessary, then I guess he'll just have to wait outside in the car and I'll send the kids out to him! <P>Is it that you really can't trust him with the kids unless he's supervised....or that you are still angry and trying to punish him? I don't mean to cause any offense - I just have to ask this. <P>A possible solution might be to have him meet them at a particular place - such as MacDonalds, or the zoo, or the park and then go back after a certain amount of time to pick them up. Make it clear to him that the first time he lets you down on this arrangement, is the last time you will trust him with them. Alternatively you could stay in the same place as them...but not directly with them?<P>It's a tough question...<BR>Paint.

I'm being overprotective. I think.<P>My H would yell (mostly) at my middle child who is 2. I would be on the phone with him and it would make me cringe, but I always dismissed it as "he is having a bad day", "she's really getting to him", or "he didn't get enough sleep".<P>When I was home 2 weeks ago, there was no excuse. He had gotten tons of sleep, hadn't seen the kids all day, was in a great mood, and my 2-year old tried to sneak a cupcake. He told her to get out, get out, then picked her up hard by the arms, put her right in his face and screamed "GET OUT!!" I came out and thought he was going to throw her across the room. It terrified me. She hid her face and ran out of the room to hide. I have not let him be alone with the kids since them. <P>I talked to him about it and he just said "Doesn't she just get you so MAD sometimes." I said Yes, but I don't do that. I told him I will not let him see or be around the kids unless he gets help, that was too close for comfort and he is just getting worse as time goes on. He agreed he is not getting better. <P>I talked to my 6-year old about it and she said it really scared her when Daddy yells like that.<P>He told me today that he was setting up counseling so he could be a better father for the kids. We'll see.<P>So, you tell me, is he abusive? I don't know, but I'll tell you I'm not willing to find out, he's almost there if not already.<P>And by hurting them, I mean emotionally, verbally, and just in general by coming in/out of their lives confusing things. I want stability for my kids.

I feel the same way you do - I've been in Plan B for 10 months. In those 10 months I've made it as difficult as I can for my H to see the children. In my Plan B letter I told him he was no longer welcome in the house (there is probably a copy of it in the archives from last summer somewhere) I feel like he left - he gets jack - For every holiday I made lots of plans and then told him he could see them if he wanted the next day. I hit him for every penny I could. He never wanted to take them for a weekend though and he does live about 1 hour away. Taking them for the weekend would have been difficult. However I've come to enjoy my Sundays greatly. It gives me a rest from being a single parent. It's the day I go shopping with friends etc. I have a lot of family here and couldn't imagine going through this without them around. That must be very difficult for you. Interestingly enough, my H and I just started counseling together. I have my fingers crossed but am being very, very, cautious. Plan B won't effect the kids if you stay strong. What bothered my children the most I think was when I emotionally fell apart. Then they felt (I think) that they had no adult to depend on. However, we've pulled throught the fire and you can't even imagine how close we've become. Good luck <BR> Kris

<BR>Ok, yes, I understand your concern. My H has been similarly verbally abusive, came from much worse so he sees it as not bad. Hopefully the counseling we are going through now will finally help him burry the ghosts he has been carrying around stuffed in his emotional basement.<P>I can't say though that stopping the kids from seeing their father is a good thing. You do have a right to restrict or demand supervised visitation. Supervised in your situation would be very tough, and very anti Plan B. <P>I would tend to lean towards the let him pick them up in the driveway routine for handing them off- don't let him in the house. Maybe just limit visitation time. Give him one day, back by dinner time or shortly after. Hard to blow up at kids you seldom see when you don't have alot of time. As for setting up visitation, the liason is a good idea, but not necessary if he has a specific day/time schedule which is a good idea for the kids, a little bit of predictability and stability to the situation. The liason incase of emergency need to change plans maybe. <P>I'm willing to bet they wil be fine, and better off to not feel Dad has abandoned them in the long run for them. This is not about them not having a Daddy anymore or at least it shouldn't be, that could be very detrimental and cause alot of anger they will not know how to deal with. <P>Kids need Mom and Dad, they love you both even if he is abusive they still love him he is their Dad. Encourage and even demand his counseling, but don't use the kids as a weapon.<P>

Dear HyH,<P>You are in a delimea but the safety of your children are #1. If you don't have any relatives or friends, then ask for social services to help or a women's shelter for suggestions. <P>It doesn't sound like you are overprotective. Use the services in your area. There may be more available for you than you realize. How about a neighbor and rotate the supervision among 2 or 3 families? It is just a temporary arrangement. Is there some MB people in your area? <P>Just a few suggestions. I really feel for you and want you to be able to view all your options. <P>Kids and plan B are hard. For me I had no choice to go there. H was too comfortable in plan A. I could not function as a doormat. H had his cake and ate it too.<P>Plan B was for me and so far it is working. Even with H home, he knows it is his job to please us. I am not a spoiled person but we did not leave him, he left his family. <P>Just my 2 cents. <BR>L.<BR>

I would try to go for the kind of an arrangement that the kids would have in case of a divorce. If you think you would get sole physical custody in a divorce (and holy cow, I would certainly hope for that if he is doing what you described...), then I would tend to structure the Plan B the same way.<P>In my case, I knew I could easily get 50/50 custody, and perhaps a bit more, so I settled for the 50/50 in my Plan B.<P>Let's face it, Plan B <B>is</B> a step to getting used to the divorced life, so you might as well set things up accordingly...<P>AGG