My wife had an four month affair about two years ago. She said she did it because I did not pay attention to her ( I was buisy working one job plus running an part time bussiness to make more money to make her happy). We were married for 16 years and I could not believe that she could do something like that. Those were the worst two months of my life going through that emotional rollercoaster and many lies. She fell in love with him, and missed him for a long time. And little did I know that she kept on trying to contact him, and she did, but last week I found out she went with another man, (a friend of the first guy she went with). I do not know what to do, she saiz that she does not know why she went with this second guy. How many times should I forgive her? And how long does it take some people to grow up and stay committed or move on, not to ask forgivness only after they get caught. Is life just a game? What ever happened to commitment until death do us part? gggalis@hotmail.com

Are you new here? I suspect so - and you need to have a look at the rest of this site to understand what's happening with your wife. Especially the basic concepts section. If you can get hold of the book 'Surviving an Affair' by Dr. Harley, read it - it will explain a lot to you.<P>Basically your wife has a great need for something that at the moment you are not filling - which is why she is tempted to have that need filled by another man. It's not necessarily a physical need - there are many very strong emotional needs too. By marrying you, she is dependant on you to fulfill ALL her most important needs, and if one of those needs is NOT being filled, then OK - she can live with that for a long time - but eventually it starts to eat away at her at get to be a big problem. Unfortunately we are not mind-readers and often our partners will not actually tell us what is wrong - they give up thinking that we will ever be able to fill that need and so they don't even try to communicate that need to us. It's a very sad situation for both partners - but one that can be overcome. You made a really good start by finding this website! <BR>Best wishes, Paint.

I am not new to this site, 2 years ago when I went through the mess, I researched long and deep into the how's and why's of affairs, by reading Dr. Harley's books, and this web site, I probably could not heal correctly without this information. All the info and insight opened my eyes, I treated her carefully. Initially she denied everything and we had mega verbal fights. After two weeks she said she was sorry and wants to get back together and she will not do it again, ever. We got recommited (at church with our kids wathing) then we went through a period of 1 and 1/2 years where we felt like it was honeymoon, we did everything together and met each others needs, our love live was exciting and beautiful. Then I did notice about 4 months ago that she started to act a little bit more cold towards me, but I did not suspect anything. I thought she learned from the mess we were in 2 years ago, plus we are getting along just wonderfully, so she would not start again? or would she? I became suspicious. And sure enough I discovered when I was at work she was seeing someone, I found out by her cell's tel numbers. She is saing sorry and does not know why she went with him, and that they did not go all the way, just kissing and fondling, so it was not an affair like first time, it was nothing (it was going on for 4 months according to cell records). I told her this is last chance if ever gets involved again with anyone, I cannot keep going through this, I will leave her for good!!! Wounded twice!!<P>------------------<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hurtagaintwice:<BR><B><BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hurtagaintwice,<BR>You sound somewhat under control for what you are experiencing! Hope you can hang in there tuff, because this stuff is indeed a big drain to say the least!<BR>Your story about the friend of the OM is similar t mine, except my W had PA with the friends simultaneously. These things blow your mind!<BR>I busted my W for PA twenty years ago & I did not create much consequence. This last time (d/d 01-17-01) with a somewhat detailed confession from her of these two guys, it was not difficult for her to understand why I wanted her to leave, for a time at least -- We reunited 02-08-01 & she came back with me on 02-10-01.<BR>It sounds like you are well versed on this topic, probably more than I -- There was an article from Marriage builders a few months back that described the infidelity thing as an addiction -- I think in many cases this is true. I believe in my case, I'll have to live with this possibility all of my life with her.<BR>As an example, the first time twenty years ago my wife described the nervousness she had before the encounters (supposed two) & how she had a sick feeling before each encounter. This time, in the six months she carried on, she became the pursuer to some degree & she never felt that sickness, but the game so to speak, gave her a big rush.<BR>I'm no behavioral psychologist (or any kind of counselor for that matter!), but I believe that to control or offset this sometimes very powerful drug, the addicted person has to feel some consequences & understand that the reoccurrence will result in unpleasant consequences -- <BR>My only suggestion is that if you have not read the James Dobson book, "Love Must be Tough," I strongly suggest you get a copy and read it-- if you do, He recommends you don't tell WS. I BELIEVE IT OFFERS A GOOD BALANCE OR ALTERNATIVES TO THE EXCELLENT VIEWS OFFERED HERE. One of it's primary thrusts is that we as BS sometimes need to create a crises in order to give the WS sufficient motivation to truly change. This may mean a period of seperation -- sometimes there is a natural inclination to not appreciate someone until we realize we may not have them anymore(us).<BR>My nickels worth.<P>BEST OF LUCK!<BR>HH<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Hurrian Hoosier (edited June 09, 2001).]

Apologies....I've only been here for a few weeks myself and didn't recognise the name!<P>I don't have any advice I'm afraid - I'm just so sad that you are having to go through all this nightmare yet again! What can I say - it's a possibility that I've dreaded too, if I ever get my own WH sorted out!<P>Sending a hug...Paint.