How could I NOT LIKE THIS? You could be my husband. He thinks I am not listening, but everything you said, he is saying to me! <P>I am hearing him, but he has invalidated everything we have had together. Not choose me? Trapped him? He wants to freely choose her a married OW? He wants to have our children around her?<P><BR><B>You are not gonna like this, so stop now if you are too upset to hear what your husband is thinking (well maybe, but this is familiar ground for me as the WH).<BR>Oh boy, here she goes again, same old crap, is all about what she wants, she has to have the emotional control in the family. He is also a little confused, part of him says no, is not fair to have done this, but another part says you got just what you deserved. You neglected me, so how could you love me, now someone else does, and I don't care what you think, or feel, I had to survive, I was dieing. He is also thinking how is my lack of emotional trust for you less important than your unhappiness at my finding another to care. BS seem to feel their hurt is so important, those ws who wandered cause they felt (rightly or wrongly) unloved don't really care too much that it hurts your feelings. You threw us away years ago, only kept us around to fill your needs (that is love?), we gave up communicating cause you won't listen, and have a million reasons why we are wrong anyways. You just say you listen, but what you really do is use what we say against us, CONTROL us (but you rarely admit it). We feel (and maybe is some fog here) when we get to this place (love another) that indeed you manipulated us into marrying you, and we never really wanted to be married to you. He is lying about one thing though, saying better to leave so he can fix himself first. He is saying that to make you feel better, what he really wants to do is avoid losing the chance to be loved by someone, and thereby to emotionally survive, and he wants to escape the prison (you), so he says that. As for your supposed anger, I am unimpressed, so most likely is he, it was controlling tripe, no matter how much you believe it (guess BS have their own fog too). Trying to guilt your husband into doing anything is a highly risky choice, it is precisely why we leave. Those here who say good for you, do plan B, etc. etc. are (IMO) giving you terrible advice. WS like this need serious plan A, we might then just possibly start believeing you really do love us and can change. If my wife had plan B, she never would have seen me again, she didn't do much of an A either, so things are still very iffy, but I can be talked into most anything. So we are doing the whole MB thing with their counselling, and we will see if I can change...but whether she can too, I have my doubts, controllers hate giving up control, are you able to?<P>I don't know your story, so maybe some important facts missing (my apologies if so), but what you said about H spoke to me loud and clear. Your post sounded like you are a controlling person, and that your past efforts at communication were self-serving, maybe your husband is a turtle for a reason? I was pretty communicative early in my marriage, trying to fix the problems, but I gave up after awhile and am accused of being a turtle (so to speak) last 10 years or so (not true, just learned I was always wrong, and if I persisted would just unleash my wife's anger, so quit early in any discussion). If I have offended you here, I am sorry, thought maybe you might like to hear how your husband might possibly be thinking. </B><P>You didn't offend me, but what do I do? I have been doing a good plan A until yesterday. Hearing him say 'I love you' to her just set me off. He couldn't even pinpoint the last time I didn't listen to him or let him decide something. I have given up all control. Yesterday was not about control...it was about red, raw hurt. How long before he believes me that I can change and be different. He keeps saying he doesn't want to be around me. I think he feels like a failure and I remind him of that failure. He is mad at me because "I have all these gifts and am successful." Am I supposed to fail?<P>Sad_n_lonely, what can I do? I hear what you're saying, but is it like scaredinNY says, could I really do enough? I kept telling him last night he was hearing me through his filter. I said it didn't matter what I said or did he didn't want to believe I had changed so whatever I said or did was colored by the past. He keeps saying "I can't forgive him, I can't ever trust him." Does he believe this? or is it a test...how many times do I have to say "I can learn." I feel like this has been some big test. How much can I do to her before she gives up? I feel like if I plan B, make him leave, that's his "Get out of Jail Free card." He can say "she made me leave." <P>------------------<BR>Cali<P>"Humble yourselves, therefore,under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." <P>1 Peter 5:6-7<p>[This message has been edited by InShockinCali (edited June 08, 2001).]
