I'm just so tightly wound today. I keep having thoughts of doing bad things. Filing, not giving any $$$ and worse!F*#@* HER!! <P>Help!<P>JK

Let it slide until you can look at it more calmly. you can't make a life changing decision in the heat of anger tempting as it may be, I know. Let it slide as long as it takes to get back to calm and then think it over more rationally.<P>Breath, relax, excersise, meditate, refocus. You're going to be ok.<P>

SINY, <BR>You are right, I have been to busy with work and Kids to excerise, I ahve a business function tonight but tomorrow, look out. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by ScaredInNY:<BR><B>Let it slide until you can look at it more calmly. you can't make a life changing decision in the heat of anger tempting as it may be, I know. Let it slide as long as it takes to get back to calm and then think it over more rationally.<P>Breath, relax, excersise, meditate, refocus. You're going to be ok.<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Something extremely valuable my therapist told me awhile back - when you are have strong emotions is the WRONG time to do something about them. There is NOTHING wrong with the emotions. You are feeling what you should from the experiences you are having. There is a big risk doing something because of the emotions until you are in a level place, seeing clearly. Even then I have found it valuable to write down what I think I want to do, then revisit it again a few days later. In my situation I have never regretted not doing something when I thought I might want to, but I have made big mistakes doing things (heated emotional dumping to my WW for ex.). The message, take a step back, cool your heels, ride it out. You have yourself. No one can take that away from you. Comfort yourself. Take care of yourself. Do something that you enjoy. Make yourself do it. My best wishes. lig

It's a little late in the day but let me guess...mmmm<P><B>Maybe because today is no different than yesterday...</B><P>Point being, you have not reframed anything yet let alone change your attitude and outlook...it's not the problem that causes you the anger and frustration...it's <I>how you see the problem.</I> That is the real issue.<P>Keep working at it.<P>dd

...because you are normal. This crap isn't easy, and some days are going to be worse than others. When they are really bad, get on here and vent away. It will get better.<P>Do something for yourself tomorrow.

OK DD, Lets talk about how I have framed the porblem. My Wife is doinking a kid 13 years younger than me. She is in denial about everything that happened in our relationship. I suggest we might act seperated or even divorced by having seperate parties for our daughter's birthday ,(thus giving her a dose of reality) and she goes crazy. I feel I'm inabling her behavior, she ahs her cake and eat it to. Ican go on and on tonight, we all know the deal. I have recoginized what I did wrong in the M, I working on changing, What reframing are you suggesting? I stop focusing on her, Its tought when my 4.5 year old little girl cryes herslef to sleep every night so my wife can get some. And refuse to look at MB. <P>Any suggestins on reframing?<P>I'm all ears.<P><BR>JK<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by dumbdumb:<BR><B>It's a little late in the day but let me guess...mmmm<P>Maybe because today is no different than yesterday...</B><P>Point being, you have not reframed anything yet let alone change your attitude and outlook...it's not the problem that causes you the anger and frustration...it's <I>how you see the problem.</I> That is the real issue.<P>Keep working at it.<P>dd<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

JK - just a suggestion - go and get some paper and a pen and write it all out - all the anger, all the hurt, all the frustration - just write and write and write until you're exhausted. I did this a while back - it exhausted me so much that I slept for 3 hours solid when I'd finished - but it didn't half make me feel better....<P>Just try it - please? (even though it's a bit of a 'girly' thing!) - feeling like this isn't going to do your health any good.<P>hugs, Paint.

JK,<BR>Sounds like your a little miffed by my point and yeah that's exactly what I'm getting...reframe the problem by focussing on you instead of her. You've heard this no doubt a dozen times..You cannot change her only she can. Therefore the only thing you can do is change yourself and <B>MODEL</B> the behavior that you'd like to elicit from your W. To me that's much of what plan A is all about...teaching the other an appropriate way to conduct themselves.<P><B> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Its tough when my 4.5 year old little girl cryes herslef to sleep every night so my wife can get some.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE></B><P>I never said this would be easy...in fact with kids (as I know) it's alot worse because you're also modeling behaviors for them. Make sure you protect and support your D for what she's going through. If you want this to work...it will be the SINGLE most difficult experience of your life.<P>I know your also really frustrated right now, pissed and so on. I was there too, and I still get that way sometimes but by focussing on <B>YOU</B>, the frustration and the anger has no more power over you because you've taken away the source (W).<P>JK...I'm not talking smack so that I can punch buttons on my computer...I really "buy into it." It makes alot of sense (though some of it seems unnatural). And I could be screwed up but like I said, if I have made the personal investment and nothing becomes of my M, guess who still benefits? ME (and my kids). The payoff is big either way.<P>I'll tell you my role in my M and it took me a while to really "see" it, and even longer to understand it. I was a liar and low level addict. Both surrounded immediate gratification and short term thinking. So, I have to focus on Honesty and Patience. Honesty is easy now...patience is the daily chore. <P>My point is the whole time I was exploring myself...I had no time to think of her...and that's where you need to get.<P>Sorry for the long post.<BR>dd

Actually, Paintbox has a pretty good idea...I put my thoughts on the computer...I bet I have 20 pages of stuff.<BR>It's therapeutic... make it like a letter...the things you would say...then put it away and don't let it see the light of day for a few weeks.

It's 4Am, Been up fo a half hour, I want to call her and wake her up and I tell her that I'm cutting her off, and if she wants $$ to get it from him. Better hire a laywer cause its gonna get ulgy.<P>JK

Jk-<P>You gotta do what you gotta do...do you have the kids??? If not get them. That makes the $$$ cutoff alot easier in my eyes. Otherwise you end up hurting your kids and pushing her into his arms more.<P>Good luck...hope today's a better day.<BR>dd

JK, I was writing in my journal this morning and I found myself writing the following...<P>"Am I the only one keeping a level head through all of this? I sthink so, and I feel good about myself that I am able to do that, but also somewhat 'burdened' with the responsibility of having to sort it all out, to pick up the pieces when the bubble bursts. I've always been good in a crisis anyway, this is just another one of life's learning and growing experiences. I'll cope, I'll clear this mess up - it's what I do best. I'm NOT going to panic again, just be myself - just keep steadily taking one step at a time, with care, down the right path and I will get there eventually. It might be a rough trail, but where it gets a bit thorny I'll just take my time and untangle the thorny branches so that I can pass through safely. Another choice would be to hack my way through with a machete, but that would damage the path, and I don't want to leave a trail of destruction in my wake."<P>JK - put the machete down!<P>Paint.

Paint, you are right but a bit late, I called at 7:20 AM, She was on the phone with him, I lost it. Major LB'ing. Demands, insults, threats. Not good. She hung up. I alled back, more of the same. Said she was iling this week, wants me to get on with my life (date) will be easier and amiable. Say's he has nothing to do with this, it about how she feels about me. Never wants to be with me again, now my true colors have come out. <P>I called back later to aploigze, said I was just hurt and have kept these feeling bottled up for 3 months. I didn't mean those things, not to worry. No more talk of filing, I don't know waht she will do, but I feel for the first time she is really gone and not coming back, not because of him but because of my behavior in the Marriage. <P>I don't see how MB can bring it back even with Plan A and eventually plan B. She did say, may be ,no hope though, in a few years we could re-connect. Dosen't want to give me false hope. What is that all about? Any input ladies?<P>She did admit she has thought about MB, for the kids, "who wouldn't' she said. I replyed, anyone who is really done. <P>I feel like moving on with my life and maybe reconnecting in a few years,just for my sanity..<P>Help.<P>JK<P><B>JK, I was writing in my journal this morning and I found myself writing the following...<P>"Am I the only one keeping a level head through all of this? I sthink so, and I feel good about myself that I am able to do that, but also somewhat 'burdened' with the responsibility of having to sort it all out, to pick up the pieces when the bubble bursts. I've always been good in a crisis anyway, this is just another one of life's learning and growing experiences. I'll cope, I'll clear this mess up - it's what I do best. I'm NOT going to panic again, just be myself - just keep steadily taking one step at a time, with care, down the right path and I will get there eventually. It might be a rough trail, but where it gets a bit thorny I'll just take my time and untangle the thorny branches so that I can pass through safely. Another choice would be to hack my way through with a machete, but that would damage the path, and I don't want to leave a trail of destruction in my wake."<P>JK - put the machete down!<P>Paint.</B>[/QUOTE]<P>

There is still hope JK, What your wife is saying to you are the exact same things that my WH is saying to me - "Get on with your life", "This has nothing to do with (OW), whatever happens with her, I still don't want to be with you any more" etc., etc., - except in my case he says that there is NO hope. It's all classical alien speak - you have to believe and remember that you are the ONLY ONE with your head screwed on right at this moment in time - everyone else involved is talking complete bull****. <P>Yes, I agree that you do seem to have some problems to sort out with yourself - but you recognise and accept that, which is the first big step. I don't know if you are in Plan A or Plan B, or just in a muddle - but you need to choose your path and stick to it now. It may be that Plan B would be less painful for you and easier for you right now. Also - are you on anti-depressants yet? If not, then seriously consider it. I have been against them all my life, but finally succumbed to my doctors advice a few weeks ago, and I have to admit that I'm finding them helpful. I'm much more in control, more clear-headed, and more willing to do other things to help myself too. I still have down days, but I'm beginning to recognise the warning signs and am starting to be able to pick myself up and minimise the damage they cause.<P>It's not over 'till the fat lady sings, you just have to revise your plans a bit.<P>hugs, Paint.

JK,<P>All the stuff you W is telling you is absolutely right according to the imaginary "script" we sometimes talk about here. Nothing is any different. They all say the same things. Now the question is, do you want your marriage, if in fact she would suddenly wake up and smell the coffee. Because if you continue to LB when you talk to her, you will not restore your marriage.<P>I know it is hard, extremely hard, but you've got to dig deep. She has no idea what she is doing now. At this stage, she is just feeding off of infatuation and chemical reactions.<P>You need to demonstrate change and a "best" you over some time, so that she doesn't have this excuse of seeing your true colors. She is not seeing your true colors.<P>All this reconnecting bullcrap is an indication that she doesn't want to totally let go of you. They want us there as a fallback, but what they don't realize is they still want some things about us, want us to meet some ENs. They just don't know how to interpret all these confusing feelings. You can stand back and know what she is all about, because of what you learn here.<P>I encourage you to hang in there with the rest of us. Take care.

Rick37,<P>Youare soooo right. No more LB'ing for me. Now thats its off my chest, i think I'llbe ok. and like paint said, I'll be starting a journal so between that and the board, I sohuld be able to vent. <P>Currenly, my strategy is to backoff a bit, call to talk about the kids, and keep it light and fulffy. I have a call with Steve on Thursady. Until then I plan on backing way off and I'll see if she files. <P>JK<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Rick37:<BR><B>JK,<P>All the stuff you W is telling you is absolutely right according to the imaginary "script" we sometimes talk about here. Nothing is any different. They all say the same things. Now the question is, do you want your marriage, if in fact she would suddenly wake up and smell the coffee. Because if you continue to LB when you talk to her, you will not restore your marriage.<P>I know it is hard, extremely hard, but you've got to dig deep. She has no idea what she is doing now. At this stage, she is just feeding off of infatuation and chemical reactions.<P>You need to demonstrate change and a "best" you over some time, so that she doesn't have this excuse of seeing your true colors. She is not seeing your true colors.<P>All this reconnecting bullcrap is an indication that she doesn't want to totally let go of you. They want us there as a fallback, but what they don't realize is they still want some things about us, want us to meet some ENs. They just don't know how to interpret all these confusing feelings. You can stand back and know what she is all about, because of what you learn here.<P>I encourage you to hang in there with the rest of us. Take care.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>