<BR>Brief history: Dday 4 mos ago. OM moved out of state soon after. It was a slight Physical A, but a strong Emotional A. I'm going on 2 mo's on Plan A. Before Plan A I asked W she stop contact with him. 1 mo ago wife said she needed to work on herself before she can consider if she wants to work on the marriage. She said there is no promise that she will want to work on the marriage, and understood if I didn't want to wait. That has been my only LB, an emotional reaction to her saying that. I want to wait, awhile at least, to see what she does. She lives in guest room. We don't talk at all about the issue (her request) except once a month with counselor (my request). Even then it's not about the marriage but how to get through this time, make agreements on the things we share (kids, $, time, space). We have lot's of interaction, easy for me to Plan A.<P>Problem: I keep finding clues she is calling/writing OM. When I come across these clues I feel cheated. I makes it so hard to motivate myself. I feel like she has pushed me away to "work on self" but has yet to push him away. Still keeping strong EA alive. She doesn't want my influence, or the marriage to influence her goal of finding how to love herself, but she continues his influence. So I keep struggling with what to do. Part of me wants to not do anything and let it unfold on its own, therefore I didn't control it (any more than I have already by earlier request to stop contact). Another side of me wants to end the pain, and tell her I am not okay with the arrangement if she wants to continue the EA. She is getting what she want's from me (time, kids, $), pushing what she doesn't want from me (marriage), and getting what she wants from him (EA). That's not fair to me, or the goal she said she wants to accomplish, therefore she should leave.<P>So is there a way for me to bring up the EA she's might still be having or do I let it ride, don't mention it, and wait until she decided if she wants to work on the marriage before I bring it up? Or do I wait a couple more months then bring it up? <P>THANKS lig<P>

Yes, it's a LB to continue to talk about it... but if you decide to ask her, do it at the counselor's office.<P>It sounds like you're doing very well, to be honest. Keep up with the Plan A efforts... a while longer anyway. You don't sound beat yet, or up against the wall emotionally, just frustrated -- totally understandable.<P>Hang in there... I think you're doing well.

Its like I know that the best thing to do is let her figure it out on her own. Any way she ends up, the answer she gets will be hers. But the pain that is caused by not knowing is difficult to bear. For example, I saw evidence she had called him, I didn't ask or say anything, then a week later she came home much later than I had expected. I sat there for a few hours before she returned with this terrible pain, images in my head, scenarios "he's back in town, they're taking it to the next level, right now". It was awful. I don't want that pain, but feel like I must endure it for awhile. Suggestions?

Ya know, some days you just can't get a Plan A veteran to jump in!! I wish you could on this thread... 'cause I'm not it. <P>I tried Plan A in my first marriage (20 year marriage), failed miserably, and now am divorced. I'm sure you didn't need to hear that, but it's my truth. <P>I have been around here for about two years, and I now think I've "got it" as I begin a new life with my fiance.<P>Look for posts by Lostva and Lora for true Plan A troupers who got their marriages back on track. You'll be enlightened ... and supported... and keep on posting and reading. <P>You are in the right place, I assure you.<P>...and you are doing VERY WELL...