After almost exactly 3 months from discovery and 8 weeks into Plan A, my wife has told me she and the OM have decided to call it quits. <P>She said she is extremely stressed out and wanted to break things off before she grew to hate the OM or me. She said she wants to still feel friendly towards the OM, but not necessarily be friends with him. She will likely run in to him at required work related seminars (these occur during the day every other month) and she doesn't want to feel like she has to run and hide from him. <P>She'd also like to feel she could forward e-mail jokes to him along with her other friends. I thought that was pushing it, so she's agreed not to forward the jokes, but I believe it may still occur.<P>I'm obviously concerned about her desire to maintain a "friendly" relationship with the OM. I know there should be "No Contact" but have any of you been able to maintain any sort of "friendly" relationship with the OP that didn't ultimately rekindle the flames?

TomH,<P>You gave me quite a shock! You have the same first name and last initial as my husband. I about flipped out when I thought he might be posting to this forum too. <P>I don't have any great words of wisdom for you except that I don't believe a person can stay friends with OP and not restart the affair or damage their marriage. I know that I could not tolerate my H having any kind of a relationship with the OW. Good Luck to you.

Tim,<P>I spoke with Dr. H about this. He said that NO CONTACT is absolutely necessary. He said that despite an affair being over....once two people have involved themselves in an affair, it is most likely that an affair will be rekindled, if they continue to have contact with each other.<P>He said that they WILL ALWAYS have that connection with each other. So, to sum it up....No Contact is imperative.

Tom H,<P>Having been involved in an emotional affair with an OW at work, it seems very doubtful to me that your wife will be able to remain "just friendly" with the OM without rekindling the flame at some future point in time. <BR>My own experience tells me that she is "conflicted" - probably sincere in her desire to end the affair, but she wants to maintain a "friendly" relationship with him and keep you. She will be like a yo-yo. If things are going well with you, she won't need or want him so much; however, if things are not going well with you at any given time, she may want to get her "feel good" needs met by running back to him. It's my bet that she's going to be up and down emotionally, distant from you sometimes, loving sometimes, guilty and unhappy most of the time.<BR>So, where does this leave your marriage and any chance of recovery? You're going to be in her "limbo" land, I'm afraid, and you're going to be unhappy.<BR>How do you feel about "sharing" your wife with this OM? I believe that's what you'll be doing until she begins with and sticks to the "no-contact" rule. It's the only sensible, sane way to go, my friend. Best wishes,<P>Pilgrim

TomH,<P>There are only 2 words on this subject...<P><B>NO CONTACT</B>.<P> <P>Jim

I have to ditto everyone elso<BR><B>NO CONTACT</B><P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Thanks for the responses. I'll be taking a wait and see attitude for a little while to see how things go. Just trying to continue Plan A, minimize any demands and share all the Harley material with her. It seems to have helped so far. I also plan to eventually schedule a session with Steve Harley and get his two cents.

Hi,<BR>I have been wondering myself about this issue- if anyone has ever been able to successfully remain friendly with the other person. My affair was with another married female friend whom I've known 20 plus years. I understand the no contact deal for now- but is it really the case that I will never be able to be friends with her again? Even H thinks that maybe down the road- a couple years or so- it may be possible- is he being delusional as well?! (he says we can be friends again after menopause!) Is the answer no because when we see each other we are going to want to fall into bed together- please explain- I also need to mention that I am in withdrawal so that may explain all my questions.........

I agree with the others, NO CONTACT.<P>My stbx worked with om, he in an adjacent dept. She said that their discussions were just professional but he is now back in her life and we are divorcing.

TomH<P>This puzzles me as well. I know "No Contact" is the way to go.<P>Yet how do you implement a Plan A with someone who does not want to end the affair?<P>Surely demanding that W never see OM is an LB, as would forcing her to get another job.<P>I was in a similar situation myself.<P>NSR- Any suggestions?

Hi, Tom,<P>Pilgrim hit the nail right on the head with his description... he could have been describing years of my life. It is FAR too easy to re-kindle an affair whenever you're feeling lonely or stressed or misunderstood by your spouse.<P>Your W can be professionally cordial without being "friends"... but frankly, I think the odds of this affair ending for good are slim to none if there is *any* kind of contact. My affair resumed after five years of intermittant "friends" contact... yep, *five years*. Ugh. Talk about wasted time and effort!<P>Keep feeding your W material from this site. I had NO idea of the nature & dynamics of affairs when I was involved in mine; figured a lot of it out on my own (addiction etc). I think the concepts here are right on the money. The more she knows about what is happening to her, the better your chances. She needs to understand that her relationship is not unique or "special", and that there IS a way out. Not to take it means endless misery for everyone involved (& I mean *endless*)... including her. Take it from one who knows!!!<P>------------------<BR>~suse~<BR>Rome wasn't built in a day.<BR>

Suse, Pilgrim,<P>Thanks for elaborating.....<P>I hear what you're saying and I will try and make sure she reads this post. It does especially concern me that my wife will be more stressed out than ever. She's just learned that she has developed acute Rheumatoid Arthritis (probably brought on by stress of both the affair and work problems) and may experience some amount of physical pain for the rest of her life. Never would have wished this kind of punishment on her for having an affair......... I only hope she will do what she has to to minimize stress for any reason.

<B>JJ</B>...<P>'No contact' can only be asked for/enforced (practically) when your wayward S is back with you and heading into recovery(reconciliation). Until your S has a desire to leave the OP... you can ask until you're blue in the face... it doesn't work! <P>Hope you're feeling better... <P>Jim

I would like to given the chance to remain 'friendly' with OM. Seems there is a consensus that it's not a good idea and the A will happen again as a result. I don't think it will. Am I in denial?

Turtle, not only is it difficult to heal your marriage if you are still in contact with the OP but it is disrespectful to your spouse.

YES

turtle_puppet

Yes you are in denial.....put the shoe on the other foot and imagine your spouse telling you there's no problem staying friendly with his OW.

You now have to seriously think who you will allow into your life (and therefore) marriage. Was this person a friend to the marriage?? Definitely not!

turtle...

crawl inside your husbands heart and feel for a moment its beating....

feel the fear there
feel the pain there
feel the hurt there

feel its sadness.......

and still it beats...
why would you even want to bring anymore pain to that gentle heart beat.............

should you not do all that you can to still its pain..

should you not?

ARK^^

First of all, the terms for continuing the relationship with the WS should be NC with the OP. How can this be a LB? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> If the WS respects and would like to continue a monogamous relationship with their S they will agree to that. It should be a condition that the BS puts on repairing and rebuilding the R after an A. I don't think it is too much to ask that a WS not to see the OP.....EVER!
If the WS wants to continue to see OP then off to PLAN B! Period!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tarehurts