Bump ^

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Bumpitty Bump! /\

up again! [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Mrs. Bump! /\<p>errr, maybe Miss Bump is more like it. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

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up again [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Seems to be a lot of people out there close to being ready for Plan B. ^

My same thoughts.<p>I agree with going to Plan B if an A is still active. I agree that a short time limit should be set. Why prolong your agony?<p>I couldn't handle my H nor my M and be "a wife" to my H while he continued to share himself and my life with another woman/women. <p>Just thinking about it makes me sick to my stomach. <p>The length of your Plan A depends on how much you can handle, I guess. I still think that 2-3 months is a good limit, like the Harley's have suggested, if the A is still active. The WS has to know eventually that there are consequences to continuing contact with the OP. Right?<p>I think fear holds alot of people back from impleting a Plan B during an active A. Why?<p>I mean, if after 2-3 months of negotiating without LBing(Plan-A), the contact hasn't stopped, what else is there left to do? Why would someone continue to let this go on without consequence? Fear?...Of What?<p>Why would you want to be with someone knowing they are going to be with the OP , eventually, that same day or the next, no matter what you do? Why do so many people seem to defend them by stating "fog" or "sickness" is to blame?<p>Continuing an A is not O.K. and should not go on without consequence. BSes deserve more honor and respect than that. Don't we? <p>I don't think anyone should stay with a WS during continued contact with the OW or OM, whether a EA, PA, or "just friends". I especially don't think continuing "W-ly or H-ly duties" should still be performed while the WS continues their A. There should be consequences impleted during Plan-A too without viewing them as an unmet need or LB. Why can't BSes do that and make themselves attractive to the WS at the same time, if that is what you choose to do, like so many posts I've read? <p>Going back to time limits, I personally think anything more than 3 months of negotiating while the A continues is setting yourself up for a long long road to recovery, if any. And you are still meeting your WS's SF needs during their active A, why again? <p>Again, I think, if after 3 months of negotiating why the A is wrong and why the M is worth working on, the A or contact with the OP doesn't stop, BSes should go straight to Plan-B with no hesitation.<p>During the 3 months, or whatever limit you've chosen for yourself, you should have been laying the stones for an effective Plan-B; i.e., money, job, living arrangement, visitation, communication, etc.....just in case, so you don't feel lost in what your next step should be, if your WS hasn't ended contact and you've chosen to go to your Plan-B. <p>If we have faced our fears, and are really serious about Plan-B, then we should go all the way with an effective Plan, right? Why do so many do half a#$ed Plans and then wonder why the WS has not come out of "the Fog"?<p>There is no guarantee that an effective Plan A/B will work, right? Why should it when the WS has had their cake and eat it too all along? I wouldn't change things either.<p>I think an effective Plan A can work in all cases if the BS makes their own individual plan, is strong enough to get through negotiations during an active A or not, and sticks to it. No more no less.<p>I think a Plan A can only fail if you don't stick to your plan by not staying strict to your set deadline, however long you set it, AND if you don't plan past your limit into a Plan-B, just in case, so you don't find yourself still in Plan-A and miserable after your dead-line has passed.<p>I mean, it won't be effective then, will it? <p>If the WS continues the A, you want to think about all avenues of approach during Plan-A and towards and during Plan-B. If you don't, then you really hoped or thought it wouldn't get this far anyway. Better safe than sorry, I say.<p>I think that is what Plan-A is about too.(FOCUSING ON YOURSELF(building your safety net) and the NEGOTIATIONS ABOUT THE M and the ENDING OF THE A (minus LBs) ). If the WS can't seem to chose, then chose for them. <p>Enough babble from me.<p>Just my thoughts.
InTheClouds

up ^

Someone at another thread suggested this topic. I only read the beginning, but I want to add my thought that Plan A is not a lifestyle choice. THAT idea is what the fallacy of unconditional love is all about, and we all know how well that works.<p>Good job, distressed.<p>Cerri

ANOTHER BUMP.....

up again... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

A very badly needed BUMP!

A big 'ole push shove up to the TOP.

Jo

bump

just reposting my opinion from a previous thread:

"I suppose we don’t need to be spending the rest of our life trying to plan A or b."

I've read quite a few posts where Plan B was felt to be implemented too soon. There seems to be so much second guessing going on...waffling back and forth from Plan A to Plan B to A again and so on.

Plan A should set the table for the WS. Plan A should place a BS in the very best possible light. (realistically, mind you) It should say to the WS...

*This is me.
*This is the best person I can be.
*This is as Loving as I can be.
*This is as compromising as I can be.
*This is as forgiving as I can be.
*This is as tolerable as I can be."
*This is as trusting as I can be...considering the circumstances.

It should be clear that the A is intolerable and possibly even unforgiveable to some. They should by no means be allowed to feel that because you have offered yourself in a more appealing light for them that the A was somehow justified.

Setting this table, understandably takes a lot of time and a lot of diligence.

Now you find that after Plan A'ing your tush off for several months your WS isn't biting. You've exhausted your efforts. Plan B you think. Let's try Plan B. STOP!

I personally don't believe that you can "try" Plan B. You either do it or you don't. You have to be willing to accept the consequences. Your WS didn't bite on Plan A for a reason. The hard reality of it is that they may not WANT YOU back. Slipping back into Plan A simply tells them that they have you on a string and that they can continue with the A. When you Plan B you have got to be willing to "let go".

Plan B should set the timetable for reconciliation under "your" terms. You've already offered yourself in the best possible light and were blown off. Now it's time to make the WS _hit or get off the pot. (sorry for the crudeness) If the WS hasn't returned with tail between legs and a darn good Plan A of their own by the time your Plan B expires...and it should expire...then you have to be prepared to "let go" and move on with your life.

If you're not willing to let go of the marriage then you should never Plan B in the first place.

tagging off <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

P.S. Re-reading this it might sound as if one should Plan A indefinitely...that is not my intent. Plan A should most certainly live a very abbreviated life (2 months, 4,6, a year?) which should be determined before implementing the plan or in some cases will be determined by the WS's actions or lack thereof, however you look at it.

Certainly each case is unique and there is no prescriptive timetable to follow for Plan A or Plan B.

<small>[ November 06, 2002, 08:50 PM: Message edited by: ba109 ]</small>

This definitely needs a BUMP!!!!

Jo

Sunday evening Bump!

Thank you for all the comments - it's helping me as I am struggling with when I should Plan B and in what circumstances.

I'm going to start another thread on it as it's quite complicated and I could use some advice.