Hi everyone! I was reading some material for my Al-Anon program, and I thought it would be very helpful to us over here too. The following is a article on Detachment, and I've gone through it and taken out references to alcoholism, and replaced it with infidelity.<P>Funny how just changing a few words can make a big difference!!<P>*****************<P><B>Detachment with Love</B><P>We cannot "<I>Live and Let Live</I>" if we do not attend to our own responsibilities instead of focusing on the responsibilities of others. To keep the focus on ourselves, we need to learn to "<B>detach with love</B>".<P>We learn how to cope with the infidelity of those we love and to detach from the behavior, not necessarily the person. Infidelity is a family dysfunction. This means family members are deeply affected, physically, emotionally, spiritually, socially and intellectually, even though they themselves are not unfaithful.<P>The stress of living with active infidelity can have numerous effects:<P><B>Physical</B> - We may develop health problems such as headaches, high blood pressure, stomach aches, ulcers, panic attacks, insomnia, and heart problems.<P><B>Emotional</B> - We may feel angry, resentful, lonely, guilty, or depressed. <P><B>Social</B> - In relating to others, we may be distant, aloof, embarrassed, withfrawn, aggressive, arrogant, self righteous, judgemental, or controlling.<P><B>Intellectual</B> - We may find it difficult to concentrate, make decisions, comprehend what we are hearing and reading.<P><B>Spiritual</B> - Our outlook on life may become bitter, despairing, helpless, hopeless, or lacking in trust or faith. <P>With practice and with support from others we come to understand that detachment from the wayward spouse's problems does not mean that we stop caring about the person. <P>Keys to detaching with love:<P><B>Responsibility</B> - The first key in detaching is to begin taking responsibility for our own behavior. We can no longer stumble through our lives blaming others for the way we feel and holding them accountable for whether we are happy or not. No one can make us feel anything. It is our reactions to the behavior that causes our anger, resentment, pain and disappointment. When we blame others for our own negative reactions, we hand over all our personal power to that person and we loose ourselves.<P><B>Acceptance</B> - Acceptance is the next key. We need to look at the reality of what has happened in the past and what is happening now. Many of us stumble in the beginning over the incorrect thought that acceptance means approval. Acceptance does not mean that we feel ok about current or past circumstances, it only means that we stop trying to change what we have no power over. We have no power over the past or the wayward spouse.<P>Even with acceptance, we need to grieve the losses caused by infidelity in our families and in our lives. Dreams have faded, bubbles have burst. Acceptance gives us two things - acceptance of our feelings and also acceptance of the fact that we cannot change the other person - healing from our loss and disillusion is an inside job. <P><B>The Three C's</B><P>Detaching with love is easier when we remember the three C's - we did not cause the infidelity in another, we cannot control the infidelity or the wayward spouse, we cannot cure the infidelity or the wayward spouse. <P><B>Cause</B> - Infidelity is an addiction. Just as we cannot cause someone to develop diabetes, cancer, or any other disease, we do not have the power to cause anyone else to become addicted. Every addicted person blames others for their addiction and their use - this is their denial and their disease. Accepting that blame becomes our prison.<P><B>Control</B> - Despite our best intentions and efforts, controlling other people does not work. Relationships cannot grow and intimacy cannot develop if one person is controlling the other. We only have control over ourselves and how we respond to situations, other people and their behavior. Trying to control other peoples behavior may temporarily make us feel better and give us an illusion of being in control - but in the long run, it does not work.<P><B>Cure</B> - Only the wayward spouse can seek help for his/her addiction. No matter what we do, the treatment for the addiction is not ours to hand out. <P>Words that stand in the way of detaching….<P>Why…? <BR>What if…? <BR>Yes, but….. <BR>I can't… <BR>I'll try…. <P><BR><B>Why…?</B><P>The main reason most of us ask why is because we believe with a little more knowledge and a few more details, we can "control" the situation and or person. Asking "why" only wastes our energy - it rarely changes anything.<P><B>What if….?</B><P>What if's keep us from living in the reality of the moment and also keep us from admitting we are powerless. When we are in the past with the "whys" and the future with the "what ifs" we loose today. Today is the only day we have. <P><B>Yes, but…..</B><P>When we "yes but…" we are not listening to what others have to say. We are being self centered and self absorbed, and in essence saying we are so unique that what has worked for countless others will not work in our situation. Each time we "yes but" we are cooking up excuses inside our heads and our minds are closed. <P><B>I can't….</B><P>This is our biggest lie to ourselves. The truth is not that we can't, but that we won't. It is where we let fear have control over our lives. <P><B>I'll try…..</B><P>The saying, "to try is to lie" refers to how easily we fall into making excuses. If we say, "I'll try" we lack commitment. "I'll try" allows us to bide our time while looking for an excuse not to do whatever we have said we'll try. <P><B>H.O.W.</B><P><B>HOW do we detach?</B><P><B>H</B> - Honesty with ourselves and others.<P><B>O</B> - Openness to hearing new ideas and breaking old ways of thinking and behaving.<P><B>W</B> - Willingness to take risks and try something different.<P>Detaching with love does not mean that we stop caring. It simply means that we quit trying to control someone else and their behavior. We stop creating comfortable environments for unacceptable behavior. We stop lying to ourselves, we accept the reality of who the person is instead of focusing on who they "could" be.<P><BR>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I><p>[This message has been edited by BrambleRose (edited May 12, 2001).]

WOW!! I love it when I can come on here and find posts from others that can put into words, the things that either I feel, I've learned, or am learning. It all helps to put things into a better perspective for me. Thank you!<P>Karen<BR>

BrambleRose,<P>Thank you so much for this. I have printed it out and added it to my journal with the affirmations and meditations I consider most indispensable to helping me through this journey. Blessings to you!<P>Melanie<P>------------------<BR>"Go out on a limb. That's where the fruit is." -- Will Rogers

I just discovered this post. Thank you.<p>I mainly lurk, but this is very IMPORTANT and helpful information. After 2 years of therapy, both individual and couples, I still think that Al-Anon has some of the best wisdom out there.<p>Where can I obtain more of this information? I am not an alcoholic, nor am I married to one....heck, I don't even really KNOW one. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] But, I have always found the 12 steps to be so helpful in living life. I really would like to read and study more of Al-Anons information.

BR---<p>thanks...this is a great post that we all need to read. It puts into words some of what I have come to learn and realize over the past several months of reading and posting here.<p>This is especially an importnat reminder to someone like myself who is a controlling type...we need to be constantly reminded that the only thing we truly can control is ourselves.<p>Thanks again...<p>E

BR,<p>Have you run across something in AlAnon titled "Just for Today?" It is an amazingly motivating poem that I used to use in my early days in AA but I can't find it now.<p>thanks,
Dana

Here it is, Melody Lane,<p>JUST FOR TODAY<p>Just for today: I will try to live through this day only,
and not tackle all my problems at once.
I can do something for twelve hours that
would appall me if I felt that I had to
keep it up for a lifetime. <p>Just for today: I will be happy. This
assume t be true what Abraham Lincoln said,
*Most folks are as happy as they make up their
minds to be.* <p>Just for today: I will adjust myself to what is,
and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will
Take my *luck* as it comes, and fit myself into it <p>Just for today:I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study.
I will not be a mental loafer.
I will read something that requires effort.
Thought and concentration. <p>Just for today: I will exercise my soul
in three ways: it will do somebody a good turn
and not get found out; if anybody know of it, it
will not count. I will do at least two things I
don't want to do-- just for exercise. I will<
not show anyone that my feelings are hurt: they may
be hurt but today I will not show it. <p>Just for today: I will be agreeable. I will
look as well as I can, dress becomingly, keep my voice
low,be courteous,criticize not one bit. I won't find
fault with anything, nor try to improve or regulate
anybody else but myself. <p>Just for today: I will have a program.
I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it.
I will save myself from two pests: Hurry and Indecision's. <p>Just for today: I will have a quiet half
hour all by myself, and relax. During this half hour,
sometime I will try to get a better perspective of
my life. <p>Just for today: I will be un-afraid.
Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what
is beautiful,and to believe that as I give to the
world, so the world will give back to me. <p>
Thanks for the message, BrambleRose.
Estes

Eternal thanks for this, Rosie.<p>I'm reading, digesting and will post later.<p>Jo

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Estes49:
<strong>Here it is, Melody Lane,<p>JUST FOR TODAY<p></strong><hr></blockquote><p>Thank you so much, Estes! I know it took forever to type all that in here and I appreciate it!<p>Dana

Bump ^

Cut and paste, Dana, cut and paste. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Estes

shameless bump

WOW!!!<p>Thank you for bumping this to the top for us to enjoy.......... WOW!<p>I haven't been to an al-anon meeting for a couple of years.... now I'm thinking, it's time.<p>Again BRAMBLE-ROSE ...Hugs and Kisses to YOU for sharing!<p>Pepper

Thanks. Again. (I'm reviewing "Language Of Letting Go". Again.)<p>Hope all is well with you.<p>Dan

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by BrambleRose:
<strong>We stop creating comfortable environments for unacceptable behavior.
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>This is the part I need most to work on. I've already resolved that the next time he LBs, I will verbally acknowledge the unacceptability of what he is doing and inform him of my decision to be elsewhere as long as he is choosing to relate to me without respect and protection. And then I will follow through and leave the vicinity.<p>I came to this resolve the last time he was making disrespectful sniping remarks and I felt at a loss as to what to do because he will usually deny what he is doing. It took me a few days to develop my exact words and plan of action for the next time, and thankfully I have not had to use it yet. That last time was 9 days ago, so this is a long time for my H to go without being disrespectful.

Susan, check out www.hazelden.org they have lots of great stuff! I get their daily medidations, I'm not an alcoholic, nor is my husband, but they still fit quite well in the world of infidelity we now live in.

bump

Thanks ... It confirmed what I has been through and still in it. -RH-

Thanks BR,
I will meditate on this one. Thanks for the guidance...

^bump^ great post BR!