I have been married almost 25 yrs. From this marriage we had three sons, two of which are grown and our third son died almost 8 yrs ago at the age of 10 yrs. Prior to our son's death, I had already started to become unhappy with my life. I found myself longing for what used to be. I needed affection. I had two one-night stands less than a year before our son died, which my husband doesn't know about. After our son died we were closer than we had been for years. Because we both grieved differently I felt I was being pushed away. I soon found that I couldn't talk to my husband and share my feelings without fear that I would reopen his wounds. He was not dealing well at all with the loss of our son. I then found that I pushed him away also and soon discovered that I wasn't "in love" with him anymore. I still love him for the person that he is and care for him, but I'm not "in love" with him. He's very hard working and has many good qualities. About a year later I found myself feeling so alone and wanting to live again after the loss of our son. I wasn't getting the affection and love that I needed. I then had affairs with four men throughout a period of a year and a half. My husband had his suspicions and I did not confirm them. I didn't necessarily have the affairs for the sex, I had the affairs to have someone else to talk to, someone to make me feel like a human again. I then decided that I had to stop and the last affair ended. In the meantime, I have become depressed, sad, lonely, and unhappy. I know I can't keep living this way although I have done so to spare hurting him and I know that sounds crazy since I have already hurt him. Sex isn't at all what it used to be and since I have lost the affection I once felt, and have received no affection, it really isn't a issue. I know I need to talk to my husband about my feelings and find out if he is happy. Problem is he's not a talker. He has never been a romantic either and that's not what I'm looking for. I have also come to notice that little things are irritating me that never used to. There are days I can't stand him. It's all stupid stuff and I don't ever say anything. After six years of no affairs I have started seeing someone I work with for six months now but we don't have the opporutnity to see each other much since he is also married. His wife is now asking for a divorce which he doesn't want. She doesn't know about us, neither does my husband. I really feel that I should end this, but I cannot bring myself to do it. I sometimes think that I will continue to be miserable just to keep the marriage together. I now have a three month old grandson and he is the only happiness in my life. I guess the thought of leaving scares me since I have never been on my own. We married when I was almost 19 and my husband was 23. I really don't think that my husband has been unfaithful. I used to feel guilty but not anymore. I just feel miserable for being unfaithful. I am just plain miserable with my life in general. Do I stay in the marriage to spare his feelings and go on living a lie when I am so unhappy and lonely? I just don't know what to do, sometimes I think I should end it, but there's so much fear, not knowing what to do and where I would go. I don't want to be alone, but then I really am alone now as it is. <P>

wow.<P>Some people will disagree with me here - but I think you need to tell your husband everything. Perhaps not to the last gory detail, but you need to tell him A)you are unhappy in the marriage and B) you have had multiple affairs.<P>Why? Well, you used to feel guilty, you said, but now you just feel miserable. Welcome to the world of infidelity! You will never feel anything but miserable if you keep this terrible secret from your husband. If you leave the marriage for your lover, who doesn't want to be divorced from his wife, what will you have then? If you leave the marriage just to get out of it, and don't address the misery you feel about your affairs, you will be no better off. Your husband may not be a great romantic or communicator, but it is pretty selfish of you to think that he is the only one who should try in your marriage.<P>That said, you should know that MANY marriages have serious difficulties after the death of a child. There are so many emotions and each spouse must find a way to deal with the grief... Your husband was not able to support you emotionally because of his own grief, and you found someone else to do that. I am not trying to be mean, but you need to realize that men and women often grieve very differently, and men often cannot deal with their grief fully. I also don't mean to minimize your own grief - I cannot imagine the pain that you must have felt and still feel. But you haven't been fair to your husband at all. You have cheated and lied, never told him about it and then blame the misery you feel on the marriage instead of on yourself where it belongs.<P>No, you are not a bad person - but you've admittedly made some terrible choices. Now, you have the opportunity to make some better ones by coming clean and working on your marriage. Read about affairs, read about marriage and saving marriages. It might be difficult for you to believe right now, but you can be in love with your husband again, and he with you. It's going to be hard work, but you will feel so much better - about your marriage and about yourself - once you start on the right path.<P>Good luck, and feel free to talk to us.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

I hate to turn up the flame on your guilt, but you made some bad decisions. You hunted for affecton you were not getting from H. You were depressed. I understand these thing more than you know, but I never had the affairs. I struggled to get my H to talk about his unhappiness, but he flatly refused to discuss anything unpleasant. Then he started to drink more to hide in a bottle so he could fall to sleep very early so he would not have to talk to me about it. But this also put an end to our sex life, because i became resentful of th drunken sleep, because he never came to bed with me any more, and if we did make love, he could hardly perform--too much alcohol. <P>But during this time of resentment, he decided to split, emotionally. He just went to find an affair. he denies it, but when he finally had a willing partner, it didn't atke him long to break his vows and my heart. I did not find out for 15 months. 6 months since, now, and he wtill will not ditch the ow.<P>In your case. I wish you had done what my h did not. Try to get counselling. Take antidepressents to remove the depression, and really put your whole heart into rejuvinating, or recreating your marriage. <P>You and your H should have had counselling at the time your son died. I cannot imagine going through such a painful thing and not have someone to make sense out of it! But it is hard to admit you need help. It is a pride thing, especially for men. My H's father died 12 years ago, and he never processed it either. It was the first wedge between us. Part of his ability to love and feel died with his dad.<P>Try and get some help. Read some of the books talked about on this sight, especially the "His needs, Her needs" and "Surviving an Affair." Both by Dr. Harley.<P>It is not too late, talk to your H about trying to save your marriage. If he is not interested at all, it is best for you to move on, especially since you have been so unhappy for so long. But really give him a chance. He has gotten into a groove too. It will be difficult for the both of you, but you know that it could be worth it, or you wouldn't be on this web site.<P>Think about it.

Thank you for your honesty and your advice. <P>I am not contemplating leaving the marriage because of my friend. I can honestly say that this is a platonic relationship and we do not have deep feelings for each other. We both are in need of someone to talk to with all that is going on in our lives and basically that is what we do since we work together. We have been with each other on three occassions in six months. I would prefer to be able to just sit down and talk with him anytime, anywhere. But men and women can't be friends. Especially when you live in a small town.<P>I didn't go out looking for an affair. I started going out with people from work as an outlet and someone to talk to. Affairs aren't planned so to speak, they do just happen. Again, I am not trying to justify this at all. Just looking for understanding. I guess it might be hard for others to understand if they have never walked in my shoes.<P>Yes, I agree that my H isn't the only one who needs to work on the marriage. I have tried years ago when I first discovered that I wasn't "in love" anymore to talk with him about this. When he realized that he might lose me he started writing notes every morning and leaving them on the table for me to find. This was nice for a while but then I resented the notes because this was not something he ever did before.<P>I dont' blame the misery I feel on the marriage at all. I do blame myself as I have made some poor choices. <P>I know first hand about men and women grieving differently and I fully understand that. I also tried to convince him to seek counseling for his loss. <P>I myself never sought counseling at the time either because I was always and still am able to talk about my grief openly without falling to pieces. Now I know better years later that counseling was something we both should have done.<P>I will never tell him about my affairs because I know that if I did, it would crush him. And yes, it will probably end the marriage, which I would deserve.<P>Please undertand that I am in no way trying to justify my actions. I know it's wrong. But I feel that our marriage is dying a slow death and I can't do this alone either. If he's unwilling to open up and let me in instead of pushing me away then what am I to do?<P>But how do you kindle a new flame that doesn't even have a spark any longer? To be honest, I don't feel attracted to my H anymore. It's so hard to put into words how I feel. I don't have the desire to be affectionate with him anymore. <P>I'm really not sure I want to save the marriage. I don't think that I am being selfish, on the contrary I think I'm being unselfish by sparing him from knowing about my affairs. <P>Our evenings are spent in separate rooms. He watches tv in the family room and I sit here at my computer. If we do have a conversation it is ususally short. We hardly ever argue and fight and if we do it's over something stupid.<P>I am not looking for anyone's pity or acceptance for what I did.<P>I have no one to talk to and was hoping to find someone willing to listen and offer advice.<P>I have made a decision to seek counseling for myself to deal with my own loss and what I am feeling as well as how to approach my H with all these issues. <P>I also have to mention that our son, his new wife and our grandson live with us. Financially they are not able to be on their own just yet and because they are both young and immature, we will do whatever we can within reason to help them get on their feet.<P>We do this for the welfare of our grandson. We love having him here with us. <P>The only problem with this situation is that our DIL has a boderline personality disorder and this creates problems that I am not sure how to deal with. By seeking counseling I hope to also learn more about BPD and how to deal with my DIL.<P>I am hoping that by going to counseling (not marriage counseling) I will get some answers that I can't answer. I know that in the long run I'm the only one who can answer my questions. I will take this one step at a time and I know that I will eventually talk to my H about my feelings and how he feels about our marriage and see if there is still some hope. Depending on what he has to say, will be a big determing factor. But I will never tell him about my affairs. I will live with that the rest of my life and have only myself to answer to.<BR>

Hi Angelmom,<P> I'm sorry you are so miserable but there is no way in this world that you will EVER have any kind of decent marriage if you don't tell him about your affairs. You are living with huge lies and secrets and not dealing with your problems....they are not going to go away. So, you can ponder how to get feelings for your H but I don't believe it's possible with these huge "elephants" sitting between the two of you. I'm not trying to make you feel bad but lies and secrecy do NOT make a good marriage......LU

AngelMom,<P>I know how you feel as far as the 'stay or not to stay' thing. I've had 2 affairs (11 yrs.) apart in our 15 yr. marriage and we have 5 kids (14, 12, 7, 5, 3). The last VERY unplanned affair (PA/EA) was with my best friends husband (we all had known each other for about 13 years). He had not really hidden how he felt about me for many years and I just got 'nuts' and didn't ignore that any longer. <P>My H knows about everything. It has been very difficult but also good things have come out of it. He realizes how he took me for granted for so many years, etc. My affair basically went on and off from July '00 through Oct. '00. We had a real hard time letting go of each other considering we really 'clicked' and had talked about getting married, etc.<P>My husband knows that to this day I still have feelings for OM (we're going by the total honesty thing - although I don't share every thought, etc.). It is very hard for him to deal with and causes stress on our relationship. I sometimes feel like it would be best for him to leave me...maybe find someone who truly loves him for who he is, which by the way is a very good guy most often. Sometimes I feel like initiating the split for his own good. But, like you, I have been married for so long (since I was 16) that the thought of being on my own is a scary thing.<P>Am I being fair to him knowing that that could be the bottom line reason that I'm trying to keep it working here? Does that mean that he's right in saying that when the kids are grown that I'm "out of here"? <P>I think both of us would be wise to hang in a little longer, seeking help, and pray and hope that good things come out of it. I think that you might think about telling your H everything. Yes, it may end your marriage. Yes, it will be hard (been there, done that!). But, the marriage you are living now is not your true marriage if you have these things that you are hiding from your H. You've done what you've done. You can't change that. Your H needs to have the chance to decide if he wants the marriage after he knows the true state of it.<P>Good Luck with whatever you decide to do. I'll be thinkin' of you.<P>KsGirl

Prayers for you, & your family. Hope that you find the help you need in a counselor & the skills to help your DIL. One of the many things that I have learned in the mess we call my life, is that I will do all I can to help my sons & their future mates. I want them to have the skills that their father & I were so lacking in. Good Luck.

Angelmom,<P>How can I say this delicately ? I cannot. So here goes. <B>You are so wrong.</B> Your affairs are even now killing your marriage. Of course you don't have feelings for your H. If you did, what you have been doing would have driven you crazy, if you had any morals at all. I think you do, so the result is that for your own protection you have held him at arms length. <P>Even when he tried to reconnect, you pushed him away. I will go way out on a limb and bet that your H does love you deeply, and that is the reason he hasn't left the marriage. There is no way that you have hidden the affairs and the damage they have done to you from your H. He may not know the details or the facts for sure, but he does know you are very damaged.<P>There is virtually no chance that your marriage will recover with this secret eating at your soul. That is one of the reasons if you read here much that the Harley's push honesty. They are aware that it hurts the spouse terribly, but they are also aware that a divorce for "no apparent reason" does the same thing. They are aware that you holding these secrets, kills your soul.<P>It seems from what you have posted it has done that and the Harley's are right.<P>So yes, it will hurt your H more than you can really imagine (it will come close to what both of you felt when you lost your son), yes it may/probably end your marriage. <P>But, in the worst case, your H will at least have some control of his life again. You will have finally become a woman that your children could be proud of. <P>However, the best case is that you may find that the thing your have been searching for all of these years to fill the void in your heart from your sons death, in your house right now. You are married to him. <BR>Angelmom, there is hope for your marriage even after all that you have done. But in any case you will never be able to move on in your life until you release yourself and your H from what you have done. Oh! and in case you are really worried about your H, you have already done more damage to his spirit and heart than you can imagine. Not telling him is not sparing him very much at all.<P>You are both still young with a lot of years ahead of you, why not see if those years are destined to be spent together? <P>God Bless,<P>JL

Angelmom,<P>Please go to this place in MB. It is a general greeting by NSR that is found in "Just Found Out". I have bookmarked it for you so just click on the colored title <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR's Greeting </A>.<P>This will take you there. When you get there you will find bookmarks to many articles. Amoung them are ones on honesty, but also look at Plan A. It is a method of restoring yourself and getting your spouse to see a new you. Usually, it is used by betrayed spouses but it is actually a pretty good way to act in a marriage no matter what. <P>So go there and read. If you are going to be honest with your H, which I realize you say your are not, you need to revitalize the marriage and that means you need to do some work on yourself. This is a good way to do it. <P>Also please see if you can find posts by "Jill" she had an affair and swore she would never tell her H. However, her marriage really declined and the guilt was eating her up, she finally told her H. Guess what? their marriage is recoverying. I am not sure if all of her posts still exist because there was system crash about a year ago and many posts were lost, but look for her posts. Here is her first post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/000144.html" TARGET=_blank> Jill </A>. You can find may others by clicking on the sunglasses and then the red "search for other postings" phrase.<P>You will recognize the anguish she went through, as I hear it in your posts also. But maybe with your counseling, your reading, and posting here you will see the way to try and rebuild your marriage. It can be done even with all of your affairs.<P>God Bless,<P>JL<p>[This message has been edited by Just Learning (edited February 19, 2001).]

AM-<BR>I think you are right to seek the counsellling. It will be such an eye opener for you. It was for me. Originally we went for "marriage" counselling, but it quickly changed to individual counselling since we are not able communicate in any way! We could not even begin to work on the marriage until the A was over(it still isn't) and he explored his childhood issues of which he is ignorant. This has been going on six months, but at least he is still going to counselling, even though it is not helping US. It is helping him, and I am glad of that. I still love him, and even if he decides not to return to me, I care enough to know that he is progressing with his own recovery. I do want him happy in the future.<P>But I hope it will be with me! <P>Beth

Hey angelmom,<P>You still around?<P>Found this previous post of yours.<P><B>But men and women can't be friends. Especially when you live in a small town.</B><BR>Why? Please explain this.<BR>(I know why, just wondering if you do)<P><B>This was nice for a while but then I resented the notes because this was not something he ever did before.</B><BR>So you resented him showing his love & affection for you? Why? Isn’t this what you want?<P><B>I think I'm being unselfish by sparing him from knowing about my affairs. </B><BR>He really appreciates that. NOT!<BR>SO instead you will just leave/divorce him without letting him know the REAL reason for your feelings? That is selfish.<P><B>But I will never tell him about my affairs. I will live with that the rest of my life and have only myself to answer to.</B><BR>Your marriage will NOT survive with an attitude like this.<BR>Why don’t you think he is strong enough to handle it?<BR><P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>