This is my first time writing on this web site although I have checked it periodically to see if I can find the answer to my problem. I have been married for 23 years, the last 10 of which have been unreal. We have 3 children, now 19, 17 and 15. I found out for sure 9 months ago that my husband has been having numerous affairs, (I'm guessing 15 to 20) over this time period. I found out because a wife of a friend of his called to tell me what he had been doing all these years, ( the only reason she let me know now was that he got her husband involved with a friend of one of his girl friend). My husband works in a town 35 miles from where we live. Six of tose years I tried to be a good wife and mother because I did not understand what was happening. The next three years he told me he didn't love me and hadn't loved me for a long time, so I decided that I would focus on raising my children and get every thing in order so that when he left I would be prepaired or when the kids were grown I could leave with at least something to live on. I also told him I would not allow him to treat me bad any more. (not beating just mentally abusive). He treated me well after that and even kind of acted like every thing was all right but he was still seeing women. After he got caught he promised he pleaded with me to not leave him, (after dening it saying"I have never been unfaithful to you") and his children brought him to his knees in tears. My problem is he won't tell me any thing about what happened, when it started, who, how old , where they met, nothing. The woman that told me knew a lot of stuff because my husband confided in her husband and he told her about a lot of what went on. I didn't think I could ever feel any thing for my husband again, but he is the father of my children and I believe God restored a measure of love to help me get going again. My children are still bitter about what happened and all the lies he told us but they are coming around. Again, my problem is he won't talk about anything and he has even lied to me about a few things because he said the truth sounded to bad. Will the truth or knowledge about things help me to trust him again or am I just being nosey? One of the big things I admired about him when I married him was his trustworthyness, (he was a good person). If I sound confused, I am. Any feed back will be appreciated. Thanks.

kpwc2000 - I don't know all the answers, but you have come to a good place to seek them. Your husband needs help and so do you - not necessarily the same help. Please consider a counseling session with Steve Harley for yourself to get started in the right direction. Some form of counseling will be needed eventually, so may as well start now.<P>For him to regain your trust will require consistent honesty. You are not being nosey, he is being dishonest.<P>WAT

If you have not already done so, you might want to start by reading Dr. Harely's book "Surviving An Affair". I can tell you that the book saved my sanity and my marriage after I found out about my husband's affairs. <P>Also read all of the material on this web site and his other books.<P>It will take some very hard work on both of your parts for you to heal and for him to prove to you that he can be trusted. The MB material can help tremendoubly.<P>The MB concepts are built on certain rules... Protection, Care, Time and Honesty. It sounds like you, as all BS do, need your husband to practice radical honesty. It is essential to your healing. Your husband is probably afraid to tell you the facts because he knows that they will hurt you and I am sure he is no proud of them. So telling you the truth is very scary for him.<P>I believe that you do need to have your questions answered. He owes it to you to help you heal from the pain he's caused you.<P>During the first week after my D-day I was discussing with someone how I did not know if I could ever trust my H again. They told me that it goes both ways. He had to know that he could trust me. If he tells me the truth, then I use it to manipulate and hurt him back, then he will never trust me and clam up. So early on I told him something like this.... We are all human and make mistakes. I want to help him deal with his part in this. I love him and promise that I will never use it as a way to hurt or retaliate against him.<P>Once I told him that, we started to loose his fear of telling me the truth. It came out slowly. And with each bit of information I had to prove that I was not going to rip his head off and heart out. Yes I cried and let him know how badly I hurt. But I was fairly careful not to lovebust. The few times I did lovebust I had some damage controll to do. But all in all we got through it.. he told me the truth, I reacted to it. He often held me while I cried through the pain. As terrible as it was, it was a very bonding experience for the both of us. <P>Yes you need to have your questions answered. But you do not need certain bits of information. You do not need to know things like what positions, how many times, who was better/worse then you in bed, etc etc etc. This type of info will only create a mental video that will never go away. You have enough to deal with as it is. So think carefully of what info you need. There are some good posts here that cover this subject. Here is one of the recent ones...<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/009420.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/009420.html</A> <P>Something you might want to tell you husband is that for him most of this is old info, he has had years to deal with it. While for you it will be new when he tells you, so it will be asthough it happened today.<P>Part of his healing process is helping you heal. There is only one way you can learn to trust him again. It is by him working with you openly and honestly. He will always be at risk for affairs until he knows why he took this path. What needs was he seeking to fill and will now allow you to fill those needs. I believe it will work best if he and discover these reasons together.<P>Another thing that helped my husband open us was reading the Surviving and Affair book. <P>I wish you all the luck<P>z<P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare