I feel I need some perspective on this.<BR>After a year of working on saving my marriage, I am at wits end. My wife had a 2 year long emotional affair. She says she became detached from me during the first year of our 7 year long marriage. <P>From the very beginning, my wife has had difficulty talking about problems. She can, at great lengths, talk about everything else in the world but that would cause conflict. Her parents say that’s just the way she is. From the beginning of our marriage, I tried to remain cognizant of the health of our marriage) I asked her many times to help me with this because I may not recognize if something was wrong. My wife, on the other hand, has the tendency to avoid all conflict. Thinking this was just one facet of the wonders of my wife, I accepted it. <P>Turns out there were things wrong in our lives which led her into a friendship and then into an emotional affair of 2 years. Even when I came upon them in the parking lot of her work (he did not work there), I believed that she would never do something like this to me and thought them as just friends (I have a couple of female friends so what’s the difference….right? WRONG) <P>She told me they were seeing each other 2 to 3 times a week for about 2 years. I was devastated but with many tears on my part, she agreed to see counseling and then called OM that she was going to give our marriage a fair chance. We started to go to counseling and things were looking up. We “graduated” to once a month sessions and I thought this was a start of a new beginning. On our anniversary, I took my wife to a hotel on the beach for 3 days of just US. It was great. I have the love of my life back.<P>A few days later, she left a message on the answering machine saying she would be a little late from work. I called to see when I should have dinner ready, but was told she left about 15 minutes before. While trying to keep the anxieties down, I took the dog for a walk and saw her car in the parking lot of a park near by. She and he were sitting in the front seat of his car.<P>Turns out she had been seeing OM all thru our counseling “successes”, during our first Christmas as a couple again and during our anniversary. My trust in her was shattered again. After leaving town for about 5 days to regroup (and upon her request for some time away from me). <P>I have tried to follow the rules and concepts from this web site and the books, unfortunately she has no motivation to do the same but would rather just make the situation go away. The OM is supposedly out of her life (she wrote him a letter to break it off and I read it. Her coworkers have refused his calls….all this I am taking her word on) I have offered to let her read the books, no, I have offered to read the books out loud, no, I have offered to take her to seminars, and still no. Things are fine the way they are. She likes the house, the yard, the plants, her job and she says she loves me but her affection does not reflect this. Our sex life is ok but more a physical release than an emotional one on her part and one of the few emotional connections I have with her on my part. She says she still loves me but she doesn’t know what she wants.<P>I on the other hand, am wrestling on a daily basis the triggers, memories, angers, betrayals and questions of the past 3 years of our life. I make sure I do not take this out on her (try). I am having a particular problem in the trust department as well as the commitment department of our marriage. She keeps saying she is taking it day by day. If my marriage is going to work, I need more than a day by day commitment. If I am going to start trusting her again, I need more than day by day. When I spoke my wedding vows, I meant it and after this ordeal, I it back before I can release the past. I don’t want to date my wife, I want to live our lives together (planning on forever). I want to trust her again knowing that she is looking out for our best interest and our lives.<P>Now our anniversary is coming around again, and I promised myself I would either be married and committed to a woman that is committed to me and our marriage or start to take care of myself. I love this women very much but the love bank is almost empty. So many disappointments, letdowns, apathy. Part of me wants to walk away (hence this letter) and the other part can not imagine a world without her.<P>I need your opinions please…….. (anniversary on June 25). When do you know it is time to go. I have a hard time quitting anything and feel I have done everything I could do. Endurance is my last recourse for our marriage. I feel I have earned the right to leave. I don’t know if this is the answer…<P><BR>
