I learned of his affair on 10/3/00 so it is 8 months and things couldn't be worse. In March, due to my own inability to cope any longer with not feeling loved (his fog was a long one - 4-5 months past no contact on top of the year he was withdrawn due to the affair), I too ended up in a brief affair with an old and dear friend. I have ended it and confessed to my H, who will now not speak to me. "I should have known better due to all the reading we've done about affairs".<P>I do not know if I want my husband back, but I certainly know that I miss my family unit. Is this enough to get started with? There are many things I don't like about my husband: He has always hidden things from me (I have very little trust). He started smoking. I have not been included in his life. He surfs porn on the net regardless of my feelings. His complaints about me are that I have taken the fun out of his life. I judge his friends. I don't take the time to look nice or sexy for him. I don't show interest in his interests (sports)(I have no interest in being interested in sports so I will NOT be meeting that recreational need). <P>How do you even start to rebuild if you can't find love for each other? But like I said, I miss having a whole family. There are times that I sense a terrible loss and just feel like he should be here. If it weren't for my kids, I would not be going through any of this pain. I would have moved on without him. I simply feel guilty for the failure of our marriage. We have all the tools we need, but no desire to implement them, yet no conviction in making the choice to divorce.<P>Is there a point at which it is better to move on separately?<P>Learning Life

LL,<BR>Ask yourself this one thing: can you picture your life, your world, without him in it? Can you picture yourself happy and engaged in your own goals, without him by your side?<P>If you can see it..if you can visualize it...if that thought brings you peace, and not sadness...then maybe it is time to "lay down the fight".<P>Just my way of looking at it...<P>calla

Calla, I've read your posts today on your situation. I'm sorry for your pain. I must say I find it interesting and quite human that our emotions and feelings turn with different events in our lives. I posted the other day and you responded by saying that I seemed to be looking for an out. Again. The question - "When is it time to go seperate ways is NOT an easy question to answer. There IS so much emotion and "past" to consider. I have been married 17 years to someone who is not a whole person. But becuase of my committment to my marriage vows I have stayed with it. Through good times and bad. As I look back and have talked with my counselor I find that I have sacraficed A LOT to stay here and he has sacrificed not much. I have a lot more invested than he. After his A ended we did seek counseling (he was willing). It helped some, but H is so inconsistent with his follow-through that it's hard to continue love and trust. It takes two to make it work. When it's just one consistently that's not right. Just when I think it's getting better and it's going to be real again, I get hit with the same old self-serving H. I believe he loves me, but it's not a fulfilling brand of love. Are we just supposed to stay and find our fullfillment in other ways and ignore the BIG HOLE.I don't know what I'm trying to say, except that it is very complicated, and I'm not happy. I don't think relationships are supposed to be this way. <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by calla30:<BR><B>LL,<BR>Ask yourself this one thing: can you picture your life, your world, without him in it? Can you picture yourself happy and engaged in your own goals, without him by your side?<P>If you can see it..if you can visualize it...if that thought brings you peace, and not sadness...then maybe it is time to "lay down the fight".<P>Just my way of looking at it...<P>calla</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

I also began to question whether I wanted my marriage after H was in a LONG fog and LONG withdrawal and even filed for D on me which he cancelled. If you want some books to help you make up your mind I could recommend these- I read the book by Diane Medved- The Case Against Divorce- she points out all the reasons that marriage is worth salvaging and the typical reasons people choose to end their marriages. Also the book Surrender to Marriage is a good one if you want to read the pro-marriage point of view. These books did help me hang in there when things were going really badly for us. One that goes over both points of view is Too Bad to Stay-Too Good to Leave. Just my two cents worth- lifeismessy