Hi, this is my first time posting here so bear with me if this gets too long. I have really benefitted from reading everyone else's stories and knowing that I'm not alone. My H and I went on a Retrouvaille weekend 2 days after our 9th Anniversary and he admitted to "having feelings" for a co-worker. He says there hasn't been anything physical and this wooman had sort of become a friend of ours. She has even babysat our daughters (age 5 & 2) on several occasions. Last Oct. the OW's 14 yr. old daughter died and it was very hard on my husband. I think this tragedy is what really drew them together. My H and I both have spoken to our neighbors about our situation because they went thru the affair thing and came back to a happy life after being days away from a divorce. My neighbor suggested my husband move out until he decides what he wants to do with his life. So he has been living with his mom for the past 2 weeks. This happens to be good timing because the OW is out of town for a couple of months with her job. I've read all the self-help books until they started to confuse me. I wanted to follow the "Love Tough" approach and show him I am strong and can live without him. He knows I want him back, but he is afraid I won't be able to forgive him for what he's done (if he decides he wants to come back). I guess I am pretty much doing the Plan A thing, but I've got some questions. He stayed at our house Friday because the kids spent the night at grandma's with some cousins. We actually kind of had a date and went out to dinner and rented movies, and we ended up having sex. Should I be doing that in Plan A? He has been to see a counselor once and then I was supposed to go by myself then we would go together. But when I called to make an appt. I couldn't get in for over 3 weeks. My other question is when do I start asking him if he's making any progress in his decision? I know he is confused and I want to give him his space and time to think, but this waiting is killing me. His mom said he can only stay for 2 months, and I told him to take his time and to not to make any major decisions until he was sure about what he wanted to do. I have been a very strong person thru this so far and I'm sure that has surprised him. I think I have been strong because I feel he will be back and we will try to have a better marriage, I hope I'm not in denial. Also, I strongly believe he has problems with depression. He thinks he is just unhappy but I know he told the therapist that I think he is depressed. Any help or suggestions would be greatly appreciated!!!

What you are doing sounds good to me. Plan A is about a bunch of things, you being a better you, meeting his ENs, no LBs, and showing him what he would miss if he didn't come back to you. You seem to be doing all the right stuff, from your post.<P>One silly note I tell others (was told to me early on) - make shorter paragraphs in your posts....easier to read.<P>Can you get him to read any of the stuff here? I'd suggest you buy Surviving an Affair and His Needs/Her Needs. They are from this site. Did you check the post by NSR on Just Found Out forum, for links to all the best info on here? Probably you have.<P>You are not in denial. You are just doing things the best you can, which is good. Being strong is good. You've got alot of things going on your side, so keep it up. Talking to Steve Harley is always a good thing, if you can do it.<P>

Many counselors believe that separation is NOT good for a marriage. If he is not currently participating in an affair, I can't think of what good a separation will do - most people when separated are not working on their marriages.<P>What agreements have you made with your husband regarding working on your marriage during this separation? What plans have the two of you made for it?<P>Tough love will work if you have prefaced it by showing an understanding of the problems in your marriage and if you have shown the ability to work on those of the problems that are your responsibility. It is more difficult to "show" your husband any changes you are making in yourself while you are separated.<P>I've read just about every book recommended for saving your marriage, and few of the most successful counselors advocate separation unless there is a continuing affair and unless there are behaviors indicating that your spouse is being abusive or seriously disrespectful of you.<P>I wish you the best.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

heckofagal - to build on what terri and Rick said, consider canceling your appt. you have to wait three weeks for, and call for an appt. with the Harleys - you can get in this week, probably.<P>WAT

Yes, I've read most of the books to help save our marriage including Surviving an Affair, Tough Love and Private Lies. (He actually read some of Private Lies as well and it really upset him and made him take a look at what's going on.) We are going to try to get into another counselor sooner. He said he is staying with his mom until he can decide if he wants to be in this marriage 100%. Basically, I think he moved out because the neighbor suggested it, but I asked him to leave sooner than he had planned because I told him it was hard being here with him now when he was acting like the perfect husband and perfect father. I told him I didn't want to see how life could have been if he had put forth an effort earlier. Don't get me wrong, I want him here being the perfect husband and dad, but I need to know he is here because he wants to be and has given up this OW.