Hi again. More to my story. If you read my other posts, H is getting tested for disorder hopefully this week (C says he has one) and completely took plan B out of context and thinks I am purposely keeping him from the kids to get back at him for being with OW (I'm not).<P>My H is freaking me out. I sit here typing thing because I am terrified of my H. Terrified! How can that be?? It's my H! I never felt like this before. Let me explain.<P>Since my last post, I came home to find every door in my house unlocked (I had barricaded the doors so H could not get in and keep taking stuff w/o discussing it - I thought). He had taken a jar of flour, a jar of rice, various spices, pots, pans, bowls, and glasses, did his laundry, and used the phone for long distance. He did this on Saturday hours after talking to his mom (my liason) and telling her he had no intention of ever going back to the house and didn't want anything there.<P>To me, this is just crazy, what was he trying to prove? Then I got to thinking that my H is completely livid with me over what I talked about above, he is acting so strange, and I really don't know what he is capable of (hence my restriction on supervised visitation with the kids that gets him even MORE mad, insisting he is fine, never laid a hand on them - true - and doesn't need it to be supervised). So it scared me, I mean what if his disorder and the anger combined totally makes him flip out. Can that happen? Maybe I am just being paranoid. Would it makes you guys scared if your H did that to you? Maybe it means nothing and I am getting scared for no reason... It's just SO freaky.<P>What did it mean him leaving all my doors unlocked after he got in? That he could get in whenever he wanted? It just left me so scared. What if some strange person walked into my house and was hiding out because the doors were left unlocked? I came home Sunday night after dark. OMG, what if he's here now? I *think* he's supposed to work tonight, but I really don't know... Oh man, after I send this I'm going to go check my house to make sure. I'll write back to let you guys know, k?<P>So do I get a restraining order, declare him unstable? How could we possibly fix things if I do that, he'll hate me for life!? Or, do you think if he got his medication and came out of the fog (IF!) he would understand I did what I had to do? <P>I begged his mom (again, my liason) to try and talk to him asap and figure out what is going on and why he is doing this and feels such hatred towards me when I truly did nothing. I figure that will help me decide what to do. Maybe just reasoning with him will be enough and I won't have to take such drastic measures. Maybe it's all just a big misunderstanding. Please let it be.<P>Sometimes I wonder if I should just bite the bullet and contact him even though I'm in plan B. I mean all this fuss is because he is misinterpreting things and it's just taking longer to straighten out because we are going through a third party. Do you think if I email him and try to explain that will violate plan B? Or should I just keep going through his mom? <P>I also just wonder if I should go for the D full-force and never look back. I mean this man is so awful. But, I just keep saying, I think it's because of the disorder and he was such a wonderful and caring person before, I want that man back. And there's a chance (small) that it will all work out, I have to keep hoping and hold off on the D.

Okay. No one is in my house. <whew>.<P>And of course now I'm thinking about this other email my "friend" wrote and said that I had to stop keeping my H from the kids (he told her I was) and how she was positive he was never coming back to me and I had to move on. Why would she say that? Does that mean my H slept with OW already? (he was EA only before).<P>Great. Now I'm going to be thinking about THAT all night. Stop, no, can't get it out of my head. Must think about kids, ice cream, work, anything. No, it won't go away. Ugh. This is going to be a rough night for me.<P>Anyone else up and want to chat?

Hi, glad you are ok.<P>Get some rest - you will need it to help you through, you are no good to anyone, esp. the C if you are exhausted...<P>lots of love,<P>Natalie

hbh, you sound like me, driven 1/2 crazy by even crazier WH. I was sure my H had a disorder such as biipolar disorder, but I found out after I got back into our house with a restraining order to get him and OW out, that he was using drugs, specifically methamphetamines. I had suspected this for a while but he had so emphatically denied it that I switched to the Bipolar theory. A psychiatrist even gave him medication for this, but I know he failed to tell her that he was shooting "crank." I am sitting here alone now in my house with all the doors and windows locked. I think he's truly afraid of the restraining order and won't come here, but I'm not taking any chances. He is also a different person and very scary to be around. Like Dr. Jekkyl and Mr. Hyde.<P>I understand your fears about getting a restraining order. I let things go a long time before getting to this point. I plan to file for a D. Even Steve Harley who I've been counseling with for a while said I had no other choice. Are you in counseling? Could you afford to at least run your situation by Steve H? He is very helpful.<P>You really shouldn't have to live like this.

Hurtbyhubby,<P>Here’s my take on it.<P>Whether or not your WH is bipolar, on drugs, or just plain nuts he has crossed the line. I believe that the doors being left open was a tactic to let you know that he can get to you any time he wants. From the sounds of it he did not need to come into the house for anything. He took a bunch of trivial things, did some laundry, and made a phone call. That’s just to show you that he can do what ever he pleases. That you are not safe from him. The reason you are scared is because it IS SCARY.<P>It sounds like he has been verbally and physically abusive in the past. Has he been physically abusive of you? I do not recall. When a man has been physically abusive to his wife, and she finally stands up to him. He often retaliates to control her. This is why do many women are badly hurt or murdered when they try to separate from an abusive man. I know how this works because I’ve lived through it. Lucky for me I got out of the house before my first husband was able to kill me - he tried.<P>I hope that I do not sound hysterical here. If you think I am then call a battered woman’s shelter and speak to them about this. <P>If I were you, I would call the police and press charges for breaking and entry. Then get a restraining order. Show the police and the courts your Plan B letter. There is nothing wrong with it. He no longer lives with you and you have the right to your privacy.<P>As far and the children are concerned you did what was appropriate. If he wants different arrangements, he can get a lawyer. The courts will probably have a custody and evaluation done. At this time you can both present your cases and you will both have to live with the court’s decisions.<P>To give you some faith: <P>In the case of my 2nd XH, I forced the evaluation. Then I told them every thing that had gone on in our marriage and between our son and his father. They did an incredible evaluation. In the end they said that he was unstable so I got primary custody. For the first 2 years he could only have visitation if he continued joint counseling with our son to improve our relationship.<P>In the case of my current husband. His XW walked out on him and the children for an alternative life style and another man. They lived in a small town so people told him what was going on. They reported to him that there was a lot of drug and alcohol use. So he told the courts this. She denied the drug and alcohol abuse. So the court told her that she all she had to do was take a urine test to prove she was drug free. Well it took her over six months before she took the test… six months to get her system clean so she could pass the test. In the end, the court took her reluctance to take the test as proof that she was involved in illegal drug use. My husband has custody of the children. <P>This approach works great because you have an entire court system to back you up.<BR>One of your H’s goals here is to get you to do as he wants you to do. He is the controlling person here, no you. He wants you to drop the Plan B so he is putting pressure on you. Actually he is trying to scare you out of it. I do not think he misunderstands your Plan B letter at all. I think he just does not like it and does not like you getting your independence. I would advise you to stick by your Plan B and go ahead and file for divorce so you can get the legal protection you and the children need.<P>If he ever comes out of the fog, be it b-polar or otherwise, he will understand your need to protect yourself. If he does not, then you are protected.<P>Be careful and take good care of yourself. This is a terrible time for you. ((((((hug))))))<P>Z<P><BR>

It sounds like your H is trying to SHOW YOU, that he can do whatever he wants, (when u are not around of course). Seems to me, that he liked having that control over you and by taking back control over your life he is scared and is doing mean and scary things to lash-out at you, so you will have to contact him. Don't do it! He has to feel that he has some sort of control over the situation, but by doing the things that he is doing, he is showing to you and everyone else that he is OUT OF CONTROL. I thought you were going to change the locks on the doors? If you don't then you should really look into a restraining order, because he could start taking really VALUABLE things, things that he knows you or your kids need.

I have no idea what is going on. I don't mean to make people think my H was physically and verbally abusive. He wasn't he was a wonderful man and father just 3 months ago.<P>But he's changed so much and he's doing all these weird and crazy things it is scaring me because none of it makes sense and he's twisting everything around and getting really mad at me like everything is my fault and I'm purposely out to get him.<P>The reason I put supervised visitation and am thinking about the restraining order is because I have no idea what this man is capable of now or who he is. I am scared he may do something crazy, not because he was abusive in the past, but because he is acting so strange and is so mad.<P>I don't think this is enough to declare him unstable though. I am so screwed. All this legal junk, miscommunication, my H with OW. I feel so OUT of control right now.<P>My plan B is going horribly wrong and is not having the effects I think it is supposed to.<P>I don't know what is the right thing to do. Maybe I should just give up and divorce him. I don't want to, I want to believe he'll get on medication and come out of the fog, but it doesn't seem like that will happen. <P>In the past I was the only one that could talk to him and rationalize with him. I don't think having his mom as a liason is going to work. She just doesn't have that capability. I need to give in and go talk to him to explain what is really going on and find out what is going on in his head! <P>I have to, this is getting way out of control from what I think is miscommunication and him twisting things around in his head. It's so stupid.

I think that communicating with him at this time while he is still angry would be a BIG MISTAKE. He is reacting because this just happened. He has to take some days to think calm down and then think about it at a calm level. Also, if you feel that he needs medication, why do you think that talking to him in his frame of mind would help. IT WON'T! If talking to him hasn't helped in the past, then you wouldn't be in a Plan B right now. Dr. Harley does not say, go to Plan B, BUT U CAN CONTACT SPOUSE IF THEY GET UPSET! You should know by now that WS never acts like the spouses we once new when in an affair, they are stranger and will do strange things. You are looking to control his emotional reactions and by now you have to know that you can't.

I agree w/ trying24give completely. Stick to your guns and call and get an alarm system installed in your house. I hope you called police about the break in and theft if you haven't you need to file the complaint/charges asap. You are going to need that if this goes to court.<P>

My H only acts "crazy" toward me when he's on drugs and seeing OW. But, that doesn't excuse it. I also had the feeling that I was the only one who could talk to him and calm him down, but that is just a way we're trapped by them. The OW understands him better than me because she goes along with his destructive and hurtful behavior (she's also a WS).<P>I agree that you should stick to your guns. People need to experience the consequences of their own behavior. Protecting him from this may only make him worse so that the consequences get even bigger.

Alright, I accept the dope slap. You're right, me talking to him in this state of mind probably wouldn't help anyway... I'll stick to having him contact my MIL for working things out.<P>I talked to police last week (prior to break in) and they said as long as his name is on the house he can do whatever he wants - it's his house too. If he wants to break a window and grab everything he wants - he can, it's his stuff too. Until I go and get something from a lawyer and they put a hold on the stuff, there's nothing the police can do. If he starts to threaten me or does it while I am home, that's different, then they can help.<P>I thought the locks were getting changed Friday but I had to wait until today. <P>I know when I go to the lawyer tomorrow they are going to try and get me to file for legal seperation or divorce. I don't want this, but I don't see how else I can protect myself legally. <P>Thanks everyone for putting me back on the right track. Sometimes it's so hard with everyone twisting everything around, interpreting things wrong, and making me believe things are different than they are.<P>I wish there was a book on what to do if your spouse has a mental disorder, it ruins your marriage and he totally does a 180 and leaves for another woman. What is the right thing to do, how do you protect yourself, and how do you do this while still trying to save your marriage? <P>I'm a tryin' my best...

A legal separaption is not such a bad idea if what the police say is true. Sounds like you are going to need some legal ground for your protection. I still say an alarm system is a good idea for your own piece of mind, even ifcops aren't able to arrest him yo will have documentation of them responding to alarm to back up your claims in court where they can and will care about such behavior with custody proceedings.<P>