This morning my H and I were up early together, he made coffee and we walked around our yard talking about a home-improvment project we want to begin. We were watching the birds in the yard and looking at the flowers and just having pleasant conversation. He was even making jokes. It was so nice.<P>Minutes after we went back inside, our two-year-old son woke up, (obviously on the wrong side of the bed) and was very grumpy and difficult. I made breakfast for him and he began throwing a tantrum, "I don't WANT oatmeal, I don't WANT orange juice, throw them away!" Typical two-year-old stuff. My H yanked the kid out of his high chair and threw his breakfast into the sink. He then went upstairs. After calming the child and restoring his breakfast, I went upstairs to talk to my H. He was sitting on his bed, staring out the window. I asked him what was wrong, he said, "Don't sit down beside me, I don't want to talk." But idiot me did just that and kept pushing the issue, trying to get him to tell me what he was thinking and feeling.<P>finally he just grabbed his keys and walked out the door, getting into his car. I ran outside and pulled the passenger door open, and slid into the seat beside him. He looked at me and said, "Do you ever want any more kids?" And I replied, "Well, yes...someday. I hope we can have at least one more." To which my H replied, "Well, I can tell you right now, I don't want anymore kids. Ever." Then he said "Do you ever want to have sex again?" Shocked, I said "Of course. I know you don't want to have sex with me right now, but I think with time that will change as we work on our relationship."<P>He shook his head and said, "I can't imagine ever having sex with you again. I just want to be celibate." I asked him if it was just having sex with ME that he didn't want, or sex in general. I even asked him if he wanted to have sex with the woman at work that he feels so much for, and if maybe that wasn't an issue. He said that wasn't it. He said he doesn't want to have sex AT ALL, with anyone. Maybe never again in his life. He even said that he could never be with OW even if she wanted him because "She'd want to have sex, too."<P>Then I asked him about the children thing...I said "Don't you enjoy being a father? I KNOW you love our son." He said "I do, but the good moments don't outweigh the bad ones." Then he asked me one more time to get out of the car so he could leave. He said as he sees it, these two issues alone make it impossible for us to stay together: he doesn't want sex and doesn't want any more kids.<P>I started crying and I said, "But I love you! I want to be with you. We can work through these things, we just need time." He just got angry and said "WHY do you love me? How can you love me, what's there to love?" Finally I let him drive away.<P>So I've spent the last couple hours crying. I called his work thinking maybe he went in early, but he's not there. I have no idea where he is. I'm always worried about the possibility of suicide, he seems SO unstable. And I'm still wondering how this loving husband and father I once knew has turned into this completely different person inside of a year. And how he could want this other woman and how I could have had an affair. It all seems so unreal. I look at pictures of our wedding and from when our son was born and it breaks my heart. We looked so happy...and we were. Where did it all go wrong?<P>So now I will sit here and wait and hope for your words of wisdom and comfort. Today, it's all I have.<P>calla

(((((((Calla)))))))) I'm so sorry you are going through this today. I have similar problems with my own husband - he never really bonded with our children and although he loves them, sometimes he can't like them. I know that this makes him feel very, very guilty and this often comes out as anger (he gets angry at himself, but it comes out as anger towards us). He has also stated that he feels 'trapped' and as though he wants to 'run away' from everything. If the kids play up, then this adds to those feelings and he has to get out of the situation for a while. It's just an overwhelming urge to just get away - even though he then feels guilty about that, because it's not actually solving any of the problems.<P>I know this is a terrible morning for you - hang in there.<P>hugs again, Paint.

Calla we all know your pain. I think you should take a step back and give H some emotional space. If he says "I don't want to talk" then leave him alone. If H wants to leave, let him leave. U r trying to control a person that has no control over himself. Yes, i know that you have every right to have answers, but believe me, it is too soon to get the answers U WANT TO HEAR! By continually questioning him and chasing after him u are pushing him further away. Also, try your best not to take ANYTHING he says to heart, it is all FOG FOG FOG! He is trying to make u hate him, as he hates himself right now. Read more on Plan A and LB.

{{{{{{calla}}}}}}}<P>More hugs for you. What a very trying time indeed. Try some herbal tea and a hot bath if toddler takes a nap. Let us know how things go. Obne thing is for sure, emotions are not logical, sotry to not expect them to be. Try to get ready to Plan A your heart out, and be loving when he gets home.<P>

calla30,<P>I've been following your posts. It is starting to look to me like your husband my be clinically depressed. Has he ever sought help for depression? If you can get him to go, your family doctor can help with this. He may very well need anti-depressants. The behavior you have described is obsessive, this is a sign of an emotional problem. <P>There is a book by Dr. David Viscott, "I Love You, Let's Work It Out", that you might find interesting. He as a section in it where he discusses why men become sexaully impotent... It basically says that its a pasive agressive expression of anger. You might want to read at least that portion of the book (it's near the back). If you're interested I can get you the chapter/page # when I get home tonight.<P>This is so sad. Right now you are the one in your marriage who has the strength and view of reality. You have a hard road here.<P>You might want to make an appointment for MB counseling if at all prossible. <P>(((((hug)))))<P>Z<P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

[[[[Calla]]]]]<P>My H has said since d-day that I convinced him to have children. He never wanted any. (I keep praying the boys never hear him say this!) I know he loves them. He has been the most nurturing father I know. Did diapers without complaint, got up in middle of night once I was done nursing, give them baths, reads to them....etc. <P>But lately boys are seeing mostly his anger and frustration. It is a very scary thing for them and for me. I, too, am not sure how to handle it. Yesterday we had a great breakfast and were well on our way to getting ready for church when OS didn't turn off gameboy right away...H lost it! OS started crying. I had to deal with their funk for the rest of the morning. Though it was hard, I counted until 1000 and let them hash it out. I know that later we can deal with these issues better. H is not ready. He's not being abusive, but he's not being a respectful parent either.<P>Do your best to be a cushion between your child and your H. It is not the best situation, but then none of this is.<P>AKA: InShockinCali<P>------------------<BR>Cali<P><I> Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. </I><BR>1 Peter 5:6-7

You've gotten some great advise so far and there is not much I can add that would be of any help right now, I'm afraid, but I understand your frustration.<P>It appears to me that you H thinks he has experienced this profound "love" for OW and it has begun to color his feeling of satisfaction with his life....so he's looking to find all the areas of his present life that he is dissatisfied with and magnifying them so that he can continue to feel his new "relationship" would be so much better for him....(although it apparently seems to be very one sided, with an obsession there is usually one individual who is more obsessed then the other)...unfortunately this is a process he has to work out for himself...and an actually relationship with OW would probably make that go faster (reality check?) but that apparently is not going to happen so he's just remaining in the longing stage. <P>I think however even this will past with time...but it is very important that you let him deal with this...as everyone says....try not to pressure him....cornering him will not get the results you want....and might even delay the process of his own deliberations. This is a case where Dobson's "tough love" might be appropriate....let the cage door open at little and see what happens. I'm afraid that your continuing LB will push him further away...and that's not really what you want.<P>Faye<P>

so grateful to all who replied, many of you within the hour of my posting...I sure needed someone to lean on.<P>Paintbox, you're just the sweetest. You're so right about guilt sometimes being expressed as anger...thanks for the hug.<P>Trying2_4Give, Youre' right, I've got to back off a bit and give him space. I'm learning that the hard way.<P>Scared in NY, I took your advice and took a bath and had tea. I feel cleaner and calmer now.<P>Zorweb, yes, my H is definitely depressed, as in officially diagnosed. We started seeing a counselor months ago, but my H was reluctant and dropped out after only a few sessions. He emphatically resists returning to counseling. However he is on antidpressant meds. So yes, depression is definitely an issue. As for the sexual problem...it's not really a problem of impotence. On the rare occasions throughout the past year when we did have sex (about once every six weeks or more), he could get an erection and be able to complete the act of intercourse to orgasm. But the sex we had was very strange, very mechanical and without emotion. In fact, rarely was there any kissing. And no cuddling or tenderness before or after. It was awful. I remember thinking to myself, "I'd rather have NO sex than have this kind of sex." It felt like he only did it out of obligation or something, I don't know. As far as I can tell now, his desire to completely abstain from sex seems to have more to do with his wanting to emotionally distance himself than anything else. But hey, I'm certainly no psychologist, this is just my best guess. I'm just hoping it will change. <P>thanks to all,<BR>calla

Calla30,<P>I believe that the part about withhold sex still applies. While in your H it may not manifest itself as impotence, he is withholding sex. It is all the same thing. I still think that what Viscott has to say may apply to your situation. In his book he talks about how to handle the situation.<P>Another point that comes to mind is that many antidepressants actually decrease libido. Could this be a contributer too?<P>Z<P>

Zorweb,<BR>Something you said struck a chord: about witholding sex as passive-agressive form expressing anger. A couple of months ago, my H and I had had a couple of drinks together while on an overnight trip, and he made an odd remark to me. He said "I'm filled with anger." But he couldn't say why. Then he went on to tell me that he "never thinks about sex, and doesn't ever feel the desire to masturbate anymore." (back when we had a "normal" relationship, we were very open about sexual feelings).<P>He probably wouldn't have ever said these things without the alcohol loosening him up. I remember being perplexed as to why this guy could be so "filled with anger."<P>So YES, by all means, forward the information about the book to me, it sounds as if it could be on target about my H and give me some insight. As for his medication, he is on Wellbutrin, which is not supposed to decrease sex drive as Prozac and some others frequently do. In fact, some studies have shown Wellbutrin to actually increase sex drive.<P>thanks for the groundbreaking info!<P>Calla

Calla30,<P>Ok, the book again is "I Love YOu, Let's Work It Out" by David Viscott, M.D.<P>The section I am talking about it Part Four, Being YOur Best Together, The Most Common Male Sexual Problem. It's on page 293 of the paperback version I have.<P>Hope the book helps. <P>Z<P>He also has a goot discussion of depression on page 66. Basically it says that depression is anger that is held in. The anger stems for hurts. It takes so much energy to hold the anger in that is saps all of your energy - hence depression or lack of physical, emotional and mental energy.<P>It sounds to me like you husband feels very hurt about something and he just will not talk about it. But I don't think this is any news to you.<P><p>[This message has been edited by zorweb (edited June 11, 2001).]

zorweb,<BR>thanks so much for the information. I am going to check on Amazon.com and see if I can order the book online.<P>I have no idea what my H would be so angry about. Unless his anger is related to his frustration with not being able to be with this woman he is obsessed with. My only other thought is that he is deeply unhappy and unfulfilled in an artistic sense. He has a very good career going for himself at this point and has gotten several promotions/raises in his company, where he has worked for 6 years. His work demands, coupled with family and home responsibilties, don't leave him with much time to draw, paint or sculpt. In fact, he has come home from work a couple of times in tears saying "this corporate thing just isn't me."<P>Ironically, when we first met, he had just left a job and had was pretty much broke. He spent several months just doing art all day...the walls were covered with canvases, he was doing printmaking, you name it. He was incredibly happy. This happiness was shortlived, however, and as he became unable to pay bills and I was paying for every date we went on, he got utterly depressed and said "I have to get a job." So there you go. He can't be happy one way or the other; so far in his life he seems unable to strike a balance between the need to make a living and the need to express himself. I keep trying to think of ways to help him do this.<P>************************<P>Stronger in Cali and Buffy,<BR>Thanks for responding to my post...you both had some good thins to say, and I appreciate your support and kind words...<P>Calla

Calla,<P>Did you see my last post in your "My Hunband is in Fantasyland" post? I talked a bit about my assessment of what he may be angry about.<P>Add to that what you said here about his artistic frustration and I think you may have it. Here's my take on it now. Here's a man who loves expressing himself artisticlly. And he wants to be admired for his art.<P>But now the responsibilities of life and family have taken his art away from him. Being a mother has taken you away from him in many ways.<P>Look at one of the main ways he expresses his "love" for the OW. He draws her, photographs her. It's all artistic expression. Does he write too? Are there poems? I would not be surprised. <P>No wonder he is depressed, he is a caged eagle wanting to break loose and fly. <P>So, as his loving wife, give him his wings. Do you have a room in your house that can be turned into a studio? Or even a corner. If you have a formal living room... do you even use the room??? Give it to him as a studio. My husband is a writer and suffered the same type of loss in his previous marriage... when we built our new home, we made sure that he has a private office where he can write. It doubles as his the office he works for his company from since he telecommunutes. But it is his sancturay. <P>We then structured our lives to give him the time every day to write. It's taking him a bit of time to get back into it. But lately when I go in there I notice that he is actually writing. He has also been scanning in the file cabinet of books, essay, poems, songs, etc. he has already written. He's gotten two poems published in the last year.<P>He used to dream of doing nothing but writing. But, short of winning the lottery, he also has to work for a living. So now he can do both. The job and the writing he loves.<P>By the way, I'm doing the same thing with writing and art. Once day soon I hope to add back into my life the jewelry making that I used to thrive on.<P>So sometimes we are both in our own little worlds doing the things we love. One of us will bring the other a cup of tea or a soda, with a peck on the ear. <P>Encourage him to do his art. Maybe you can even encourage him to find a small gallary to give an art show. Boy would that show your admiration for him or what. If you cannot find a gallary, try throwning an art show yourself. Sound crazy? It works.<P>I have a sister who is a wonderful artist. Before she started getting her art into studios we threw art shows for her in our house and in freinds houses. We hung her work, added explanitory placards, put up some photos and a bio of her, had drinks and deserts. We invited everyone we knew. Peaple loved the shows, some of the guests even offered to have shows in their houses so we took them up on it. People bought her art right out of those home shows. It was a blast.<P>I know I am ranting here but this artist thing really hit me as I've dealt with this a lot. It's very hard to balance an artistic drive in today's need to earn a living in a corporate environment.<P>Z<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by zorweb:<BR><B><BR>Basically it says that depression is anger that is held in. The anger stems for hurts. It takes so much energy to hold the anger in that is saps all of your energy - hence depression or lack of physical, emotional and mental energy.<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE></B><BR>Been there, done that.<P><B> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>It sounds to me like you husband feels very hurt about something and he just will not talk about it.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>He may not even realize what he is hurt or angry about. I was raised in a very dysfunctional family where we didn't talk about or acknowledge our feelings at all. It took me a long time to start realizing the pain and despair underlying the depression.<P>I'm still not sure how much of his depression relates to an unrequited love for the OW, and how much of the "affair" results from his depression.<P>One thing, what a man does work-wise has a big impact on his self-image and his satisfaction in life.<P>Steve<BR>

Oh my. It sounds as though your H is a right-brainer living in a left-brained world. I can relate to some of his struggles in many ways, being that I am a writer at heart. It's what I excel at, however, practical concerns dictate that I cannot pursue it full-time. <P>calla, not to sound brusque, but I strongly feel that many of your H's needs are not being met. These are needs that neither you nor his family or friends can meet - if he loves art so passionately, then taking him away from it and into a corporate environment must be punishing to his soul. <P>We creative types tend to view a lot of things as pedantic, common, cliche ... hence, that is why your H tossed your son's breakfast in the sink. Possibly he was overwhelmed by the utter "commonness" of the tableau: a cranky toddler complaining about breakfast, having to go to a job he hates, and on top of that, his sex drive has diminished to nil.<P>Mind if I ask: do you work? Reason I ask is two incomes are always better than one. If both of you are working and making nice salaries, then perhaps your H would find that he has more flexibility with respect to his career choices, and he could take a less demanding job that would afford him more creative opportunities? This could make all of the difference. If I were told that I could never write again, I'd just want to give up on life. I'd cease to be myself.<P>belld

belldandy,<BR>you've touched on a point that my H and I have discussed briefly a couple of times, to no conclusion. To answer your question, yes, I work--but only part-time. I went to part time (20 hours per week) when our son was born. Salary-wise, my job pays very well, but of course not as much as a similar full-time position would pay.<P>My H, on the other hand, has a very well-paying job that has afforded me the ability to be at home more with our child. His job is stressful and demanding, and he often has to work weekends or extra hours during the week.<P>I would love for him to find a job that would allow him to be more creative and earn a living at the same time, even if it meant a pay cut. I would be more than willing to go back full-time to pick up the slack. I do have a couple of serious concerns, though. Right now, my H works nights. He leaves our home at 1:00 pm and gets home around 11:30 pm. In fact, the last sizable raise/promotion that he received (about a year ago) was for taking over the management of the newly-created night-shift of his company.<P>That said, in my field, any job I'd find would most likely be working regular business hours. If I worked days and he worked nights...we'd never see each other. And the more I think about it...the more I think that his working nights has been a problem for us all along. (I'm already asleep when he gets home, so little opportunity for intimacy during the week). Not to mention we don't get to have many meals as a family (son and I are alone for dinner, H is not a breakfast person).<P>At this point, I don't want to go back full-time while he's working nights, because we already don't have enough time together, and opposite shifts would kill what little we do have. Our marriage is so shaky right now, I feel that would just about destroy us. If he could go back to working days, or if he gets another job, I would go back full time with no complaints.<P>If you have another perspective, I'm open! Sometimes I feel this is a "damned if you do...damned if you don't" situation. If I work full time the way things are now, we'll be like ships passing in the night. If I don't, my H will remain miserable and unfulfilled.<P>Your comments bring full circle everything Zorweb tied together. I hope I can figure out a good solution to this!<P>thanks,<BR>calla<P>

Calla,<P>You are very wise about the opposite shift issues. My H feels, now in retrospect, that his working the graveyard shift contributed greatly to breaking up his prevous marriage. He got home at 8 a.m. and slept all day. His XW eventually felt abandoned because she was a stay-at-home wife. She only got to see him the few evening hours before he left. I think though that the biggest problem was that their sleep patterns became different, so even on weekends and holidays they were off rythm.<P>Seeking another job may be very difficult for your husband right now since he is depressed. But perhaps if your H just started to just put out resumes and poke around to see what is available he'd open up some opportunities. Eventually the right position would fall into his lap. I'm not talking about a heavy pavement pounding campaign as this might be beyond him right now. But rather a quiet but persistent one. Don't know if this makes sense or not, it's hard to convey. It's my "theory of opportunity"... that if we just start talking to every one we know, start looking under ever stone, and be very clear about what we are looking for, eventually what we want will open up so many opportunities and the right one will fall right in our laps. <P>I used to just go on job interviews all the time to keep up with the industry, to meet the people who were in the know and once in a while I stumbled on just the right job. I had so many interviews that I turned down many jobs offers. But there is strength in that and it makes a person feel very wanted... a very big admiration boost. There is nothing better then job hunting when you already have a great job because then you can call the shots. You can interview the company to see if they are acceptable to you. No pressure.<P>Shoot when I interviewed for the job I have now... I interviewed with several firms. I told all of them that my top job satisfaction priority was to be a mom first. And I made it clear that I would not accept the "mommy track" garbage (did not say it quite like that of couse), I still expected to be paid equally for the work I did and I expected to be treated as a professional. If they could not handle this then I was not their candidate. And you know what... I ended up with several very very good job offers to choose from. <P>By the way...an aside for those who say "ah there's one of those women who expects to get treated just like the men (wages, etc) but refuses to work as hard" - I still put in 40-45 hours during the normal work week. I work as hard as my male counterparts do. As a matter of fact, the team I lead just came in under schedule, under budget with a software product that beat all our corporate and customer standards. All of the male run teams in my group are over budget and over schedule. My team and I won monitary rewards for this!!!!! I have a wonderfully talented team working for me. The deal I have with my company is that if my kids need by attention (broken legs, school problems, etc.) they come first. And you know what.. in the end I don't miss any more time then the guys do and have never missed a deadline. Ok, Ok I'll get of my soap box.. after years of working in a "man's" field (engineering) I'm a little touchy about this stuff.<P>Guess my point here is that your husband is in a position of power at this time. He can use it to find a position that suits your families needs better. And eventually you can move into working more hours.<P>Hope this is some help. Sorry about the soap box speach.<P>Z<P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

Zorweb,<BR>Thanks for the inspirational, motivational speech about women and work!!! I consider myself very lucky to have been able to only work part-time since my son was born, and many of my friends with children have to work full-time, I've always wondered how they manage. I know I can and will adapt if the situation calls for me to go back full time. I need to discuss this issue with my H.<P>However, now that I've been thinking so hard on the issues we've uncovered (you and I and other posters, that is), I now have a deep and horrifying fear. What if the truth is one step further than we think? What if the problem really is that my H is unable to be happy and thrive artistically when burdened with the responsibilities of corporate job, wife, child and mortgage?<P>I was thinking about how he reacted Monday morning to our son's toddler tantrum...and how he later said that when it comes to parenthood, as far as he was concerned, "the good moments don't outweigh the bad ones." When you brought to light the issue of withholding sex as a passive-agressive form of expressing anger, I started thinking. What if all that latent anger is directed at me, because I'm the person that led him off the trail of artistic fulfillment and onto the path of being husband, father, etc.? Maybe he has a lot of pent-up hostility toward me because he feels that in essence, I stole his life from him??!!<P>Now don't get me wrong...I didn't drag him down the aisle. He was as happy as me on our wedding day. And he was thrilled at the birth of our son. But maybe, as the responsibilities and demands piled up (which of course happens gradually) he related all that to me, maybe blaming me for it. In fact, the downward descent of our relationship really picked up speed last year at this time...when we bought our first house! Lately, my H has made a few offhanded remarks about "taking care of me" in our marriage...and I felt that somehow he was implying that I wasn't "pulling my own weight" or something. It really made me defensive.<P>Before I was ever pregnant, we agreed that I would either not work or work only part time once we started a family...as long as we could handle that financially. And financially, we are just fine with me only part time. Maybe he really does feel stuck in his present job because of how well it pays and with me only working part time...but who knows. He keeps so much to himself that I am forced to try to piece together what he is thinking and feeling. But if any of these feelings I am suspecting are true, of course he wouldn't express them, because he knows how selfish and narcissistic it would sound to me, our families, and everyone else..."Sorry, I know I got married and all...but I'm just not cut out for the husband/daddy role...what I really want is to be living single in a studio apartment, painting all day."<P>There you have it. This is now my ultimate nagging fear. That he sees being an artist and being a husband/father as mutually exclusive roles that may not be sucessfully combined. And if that IS how he really feels, if he really does regret having married me and had our son, I have no idea how to work on that problem, or even if that's the kind of problem that can be resolved. Maybe he would always be bitter and resentful to me.<P>What do you think, z? Am I over the top this time? Looking for insights/opinions!!!<P><BR>Calla

Calla,<P>Your last post struck so many chords with me. I think you are partly correct, but it is dangerous to be partly correct in this situation. He may feel trapped in the job, because it isn't the job he wants. However, it is apparent he wants a certain life style so the cost is a job that pays well, but isn't fullfilling.<P>Let me ask you a simple but often over looked question that perhaps you can ask your H. Why do you think that certain jobs pay well? Typically, they are harder to do, they demand much more from the individual and the pressures are very high. Nowhere in this description does it say that they are fulfilling, enriching, or even rewarding other than in a monetary sense.<P>If ones value system and goals, does not go down this track then the job can feel very constricting. <P>It may be true that your H views you and your toddler as a deep responsibility, but he would no matter what. We are raised and trained that way. Society has certain expectations for women and it has certain ones for men. I doubt serious that if you worked full time, it would change the pressure your H feels.<P>Calla, my bet your H feels that his life is completly out of his control and it is depressing him in ways you have considered.<P>Let go down a bit of your list.<P>1. The two year old is not at a stage that will respond to reason. The theraputic power of the hand perhaps , but not reason. Further, since your H works and you deal with your child, you do have some control because you have learned how to do it. He has not. So this part of his life is completely out of control. <P>2. His marriage is completely out of control. You had an affair, thus asserting your complete independence from him and yes even a desire to be with someone else.<P>3. His, ummm, girl friend??? if that is the right turn, is complete out of his reach. She is really a figment of his imagination. The world as he wished it was, but it is not.<P>4. I'll bet his work life is felt to be out of his control. He doesn't really like the job, but likes the money. He would much rather be doing something artistic.<P>So, what is a guy to do? A life of celibacy sounds good. A life with no more children sounds nice. A life without women (no sex) sounds peaceful. All dreams Calla, all dreams.<P>Your H is hurt and his life is out of control. Now it doesn't take much imagination to imagine he is very depressed about everything and thus has absolutely no patience with anything.<P>You do need to understand his need to feel some part of his life is within his control. You don't even listen to him when he asked you not to sit with him. He needed time alone to cool off and calm down. He knew his behavior was wrong, he knows everything is getting to him. He doesn't know what to do about it. What are his options, what could he accept as a solution.<P>Her is where you come in. You might want to discuss jobs with him. Could handle a lesser life style? Could you move to a less expensive location to life? Can you reassure him that in a few years that boy will be the apple of his eye. (He will I can tell you. Once your son is old enough to reason with your H will bond with him in ways you cannot imagine).<P>Is he willing to address what appears to my untrained eye to be depression? Is there something the two of you can do to address your affair in a better way? Is there something the two of you can do to address his facination with this other woman? You need to consider these things. You need to talk with him calmly and with the understanding that he is very likely in a high level of frustration with his life and those around him.<P>Can you calm his fears that you may leave? So many questions Calla, but your working is not the issue until he sorts out where and at what he wants to work. If he decided after talking with you that the world of art is where he belongs, then the income will drop at least for awhile. Are you willing to pitch in? These are things he needs to know.<P>This is a feeling out process. Not a time to accuse, judge, or make ultimatums, just a learning time for you and hopefully him. Kathi has been through a lot of what you are going through and zorweb and others are giving you great advice so listen.<P>It seems to me it can heal, but you need to come to a place where you can see the world as your H sees it now and then you will be able to find your way to a happier marriage.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Calla,<P>Just Learning's post is awesome. Some good insights and advice there.<P>I believe that you are starting to come to an understanding of your marital situation and your husband's situation. In your last post you basically are wondering if your husband is going to have to leave to have the life he wants.<P>That depends in a large part on how you handle this situation. I am sure that he is afraid to look selfish if indeed he's wanting to escape all of the responsibility and just pursue his art. I'm sure he is a proud man and a good man who really wants to do the right thing.<P>So what can you do? Let him know that he can talk about his deepest feelings and fears and you will not fall apart on him. Let him know that he can be who he really wants to be in your marriage, that he does not have to leave to pursue his dreams. First you will need to gain his trust, then you will have to work with him to see if your life needs to be restructured. Your marriage/family has to be about him as much as it is about you and your son. I don't think he feels that it is.<P>It is often very hard to convey some of these things to another by talking to them. Perhaps a very well thought out love letter to him, telling all this would be a good idea. This would give you the chance to say it exactly the way you want to. And give him the chance to read and re-read it.<P>Hope this helps,<P>Z