Hello all, I want to collect some stats on affairs that I think everyone could benefit from. Please share anything that you've heard (if reliable), and toss in some stuff from Harley's books (I don't have any). To get started, taking from some that I've seen on this board:<P>-Most affairs end within 6 months after seeing the light of day (from Harley's book SAA,... any ideas what 'most' is?)<P>-80% of cheaters that divorce regret it later, only 3% marry the other person (from a recent post)<P>-only 25% of marriages that stem from an affair are successful (can't remember where I got that one)

I can think of one more...<BR> 50% of middle-aged men who have affairs and leave their wives end up back with the wife.<P>

I can't remember how I got all these figures..., but...<P>First marriages have a divorce rate of 50%<BR>90% of all divorces are a result of an affair(s)<BR>Second marriages have a divorce rate of 70%<BR>3% of affairs actually marry (which means 97% of affairs die with time and truth)<BR>70% of the 3% fail<P>Anyway, my conclusion is that if the WS will hold off on divorce or getting in a new relationship - chances are 90% the marriage would not end in divorce, and those chances increase if they employ the tried and true Marriage Builder Basic concepts.<P>TnT

My guess is that 2nd marriages that are the result of an affair do not fail at a higher rate than any other 2nd marriage. The people who fall into the "affair" category aren't likely to tell the truth about how they married...hence the low 3% number. I'll bet we would all be amazed by the number of second marriages that are the result of an affair. People are ashamed to admit how they met, so they continue to lie about it. <P>JMO

ALady<P>You are absolutely right. Whether 3% of second marriages are as a result of an affair or not, they still have the fail rate of 70%. Same outcome. <P>TNT

10. Adults are also profoundly harmed by divorce, according to Judith Wallerstein who followed 60 divorcing families for 10-15 years, writes in Second Chances: <P>In two-thirds of the former couples, one partner is unhappy, lonely, anxious, depressed and financially precarious ten years after the divorce. <P>In 25% of the couples, both former partners are worse off, suffering from loneliness, depression... <P>In only 10% of the cases do both former partners reconstruct happier, fuller lives after a decade.

ALady is right, right, right. There is no way on earth to get these statistics. Think for a minute about it, where do these statistics come from? From therapists, right? Not everyone goes to therapy, especially if they are happy. For all we know, marriages that start as affairs last longer! Maybe the don't, but who knows? It's a fact that second marriages fail more than first marriages. I think that this is because of the pressures of blended families and also because people don't have the same level of guilt about leaving an unhappy relationship that they did the first time. They've done it once so they can do it again. I also think you'd be surprised at how many second marriages start as affairs. Not saying it's right but just think I'm being realistic. And, remember that many of those first marriages that don't end in divorce are still failures. Staying together doesn't equal success. I personally know several couples who would be better of divorced than suspended in their bitter marriage, and I am sure others do, too.<P>People tend to cling to statistics like a lifeboat in the sea of pain that is infidelity. Remember that statistics don't matter at all. What matters is your own situation. Focus on that. If your marriage can't be saved, you are not some loser who is one in a million. You are you and your situation was unique. And that does not make you bad if your marriage fails. It just makes your situation yours. Forget the statistics. I think they cause more harm then good. Just focus on your own unique situation. Your marriage will survive or not survive because of factors that have nothing to do with statistics.<P>JAL

I wanted to also say that who's to say that one or both partners might be anxious, depressed, lonely, etc. if they had stayed IN THE MARRIAGE? I suspect that these problems are about THEM.<P>JAL

JA, yes you have valid points. I believe it's called the 'social desirability bias', where people lie on surveys such as these in order to make themselves 'look good' or 'fit in'. However,... I don't see any problems in posting stats... particularly those from Harley's work. If it's a 'lifeboat', then so be it. That's what many people on this board are looking for.... hope.<P>We all recognize the fact that our situations are unique, but hope can come from many sources. And if stats can provide a little piece of that, pitfalls and all, then I welcome it. Keep them coming, folks!

Another stat: 80% of marriages that occur within 2 years of divorce end in divorce. <P>JustALurker/"C",<P>To the contrary - statistics matter a great deal. They have a huge effect on people's behavior. Statistically, smokers have a much higher risk of lung cancer, as everyone knows. Yet not every smoker gets cancer. Should people ignore those statistics, just because each person is unique?<P>Many of these statistics come from well-designed studies and census reports. Wallerstein's subjects, for instance, were NOT patients who had come to her, but were selected based on objective criteria. <P>There is also a lot of evidence showing that the custodial parent usually ends up significantly worse off financially after divorce. <P>

JAL, we have been through this before. Statistics like these are compiled through a variety of means, even, if you choose to believe it or not, the US Census. Not all statistics about relationships are compiled via therapists. And even if they were, why does this make them so questionable? Do you believe the statistics on depression? Suicide? Post natal depression? Mental illness? Most of these are also collected through therapists and doctors - and I'm betting you wouldn't argue those particular ones - just as you, JAL, don't argue with the therapists who declared your sexual preferences to be perfectly normal and healthy. Folks, I'm betting that the people that are questioning many of the statistics posted here are primarily those who either are or have been in affairs. That is not to say that one should never question statistics and it is not to say that all statistics are true, and it is not to say that I believe all who question statistics do so because they have ulterior motives - however I know of a few people here who fit the above description. They certainly don't WANT them to be true.<P>My mother in law didn't want to believe that the statistics about smokers contracting emphysema, heart disease and lung cancer and dying early were true - but you know what? The emphysema and heart disease killed her anyway.<P>Grumpily yours,<BR><P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>