Hello, everyone.... <P>I'm new to this discussion site. I've been married 17 years and have an eight-year-old daughter. My husband and I had, I believe, mostly garden-variety marital problems that increased over time. But, having recently taken the "Needs" test, he apparently wasn't meeting any of my top five needs, and I was only meeting one of his. My parents and only sibling cut me off (long story) three years ago, so suffice it to say I had been emotionally needy for quite a while, though I know I didn't realize how vulnerable I was until....<P>Last December I fell head-over-heels in love with someone I had started innocently associating with in an educational setting a few months earlier. It was exactly like the whole Cupid thing...shot through the heart, walking on air, couldn't eat (I lost 15 lb. in the first few weeks) or sleep, couldn't think about anything else but him, etc. It was involuntary--I did not seek someone out, and the feelings were completey overpowering. What attracted me was his intellect, his openness and expressiveness, his kindness, his love for the kids he worked with, and many other things. Objectively speaking, he isn't particularly attractive, but he was to me (very tall, expressive eyes, deep/rich voice and extraordinarily beautiful hands). I knew I was in trouble, and at the next opportunity (in January, after Christmas vacation) I moved to remove myself from associating with him. In the process, not wanting him to misunderstand my reasons, I mentioned in the e-mail that I had started caring for him more than I should. Not a smart thing to do, if I had thought things through, but it didn't occur to me, with my very low self-esteem, that he could possibly reciprocate. Well, he was very gentlemanly and kind and offered me his friendship. I couldn't refuse (I had never met anyone like him and he was exactly the kind of person I had always wanted to meet). Well, things progressed quickly over the next few weeks...soon he was telling me HE was in love with ME!<P>I told my husband immediately. He was terribly hurt. We made some attempts at counseling and spoke with a church elder (a total disaster), but neither of us were in a position to want to work on the marriage (I was way far out on cloud 9, and my husband was so hurt). <P>In answer to prayer, I found this web site a few weeks ago. I was beginning to think no one cared about marriages being saved anymore (especially when a third party exists). Part of me always sensed my head would have to eventually clear, and I do see things much better now (that I want to work on my marriage), but the OM is wonderful...he meets my top five needs easily and has taught me more about unconditional love (as a verb) than any other human being. However, there are concerns with him (he has ADHD that manifests itself as irregular sleep cycles, chronic tardiness and a lot of trouble managing money). He thinks God brought us together, but I say "God doesn't break His own rules." Things are very tough regarding my marriage, but I feel it would be wrong to divorce without working on it, and I finally am ready to really work on it (though, in cutting off from the OM, I know I will go through MAJOR withdrawals and will need support). My husband, however, has hardened. He wants to sell the house, separate and divorce, though he hasn't filed yet, and there does seem to be some very NARROW wiggle room in his thinking. The core issue is that when we started really talking about our problems, it finally came out that I've never been at all attracted to my husband (I don't want to overemphasize this, but this is a critical issue--I had always known this would badly hurt him, so I had never specifically pointed it out before, though I did not deceive him either)--I have a background of some sexual abuse and so I married my best friend, perhaps subconsciously so that I'd have a husband who didn't have too much power over me that way, or something. I also had bought the conventional wisdom that I would "grow/learn to love him" (didn't happen for me). <P>Anyway, so that was a definite direct hit for my husband, as I knew it would be--I never wanted to hurt him that way, which is why I hadn't said this directly before, though I had tried at many times in many ways over the years to work on our marriage, such as giving him major hints about how we could improve things, etc., but he poo-pooed the notion of any kind of marriage enrichment work. Now he says he wants a chance to find someone who will love him the way he wants to be loved. I guess it's a normal human response. <P>The other two major problems we have are differing intellectual levels (and interests), and more importantly total lack of leadership on his part (i.e., nothing gets done with us unless I plan, initiate and drag us through the process, etc.--he is very passive, and it's extremely hard work for me). These things are a lot to overcome, I know, but I still want to work on it because I believe it's the right thing to do, and most importantly (to me) for my daughter's sake (having the best possible environment for her, as well as the most options for her future are more important to me than any of my own needs). One time a few years ago when my husband and I had had a loud disagreement in front of our daughter (didn't happen very often), she expressed concern that we would divorce. I PROMISED her we never would (didn't think so at the time!). Well, that kid never forgets, and she knows about the problems lately, and has said "...but you promised...!" Indeed--ouch!!<P>In sum, neither my husband nor I know if we have enough to build on. The two critical problems are my lack of attraction to him, and the OM. There's a lot of other work that would have to be done too, and it would be an uphill battle. <P>So, anyway, this is pretty much my story. I've been hanging on to Marriage Builders like a lifeline these days, but haven't had a chance to post until now. If anyone has any encouragement, I'd be most grateful. To me, this is one of the best possible uses of the Internet. God bless the Harleys, and all of you as well!<P>Peace to all,<P>~PB<BR>

Cascade,<P>I do hope you have done some reading on this site particularly the articles bookmarked in NSR's general greeting. If not go to the Just Found Out section and find his greeting. It will help you find some articles. Have you read Harleys Surviving an Affair? Or his His Needs Her Needs book.<P>I think both would help you a lot and help you to see what seems evident to me reading your post.<P>First, I will bet your H has hardened because as you said he is soo hurt. He sees you as you are right now, and doesn't know how YOU could love him again. Yet, you did love him, maybe not in the true Bodice Riper fashion, but you did. You also respected him, and he was your best friend.<P>Notice that right now he is none of these things. Just a man you find ugly. How interesting. <P>Cascade you are deep into withdrawal. There is no way your H can compare to the OM right now. I am sure like most you are rewriting history abit. All this can pass, but it will take work.<P>One of the biggest obstacles will be getting your H to believe that a relationship can be rebuilt. You have done a lot of damage to him and he may not want to stay just because of your child. You may not either.<P>However, if you read here for awhile and post here for awhile you will start to notice an interesting trend. THINGS CHANGE and they can change for you and your H.<P>So do some reading, do plenty of thinking, and as much as you can communicate with your H. You must stay away from the OM, for if you have contact with him again, your withdrawal will start all over.<P>Cascade, there is hope for your marriage, in fact, there is hope that it can be better than it was before all of this. Why, you will have learned how to be honest with your H, you will have had to dig deep within yourself to understand many things and so will your H. It can be done, but it is done one day at a time.<P>Keep posting, asking questions, and try to help some of the other people here. You will be surprised how much you learn about yourself when you try to help someone else.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

<BR>Hello and Welcome to Marriage Builders!<P>First, I would like to share two links with you. Just click on the underlined links here, and read –><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi10_tour.html" TARGET=_blank>Tour of Marriage Builders</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome</A>. <P>Please read everything you can on this site, post and read often!! <P>I have been betrayed and betrayer, so I have the dubious honor of knowing what infidelity does from BOTH SIDES of the situation. <P>I believe in the concepts espoused here, if applied properly. One idea that has worked *wonders* for some couples is Plan A. Read about it here –><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>What Are Plan A and Plan B</A>.<P>Use what you learn here to make your marriage a safe place where you do your best to meet the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A> of your spouse,and avoid <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A> whenever possible. . When a decision must be made, use the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>POJA</A> to determine the final outcome that you can both agree upon.<P>Many couples find that counseling is VERY helpful, and the counseling provided here is excellent for several reasons; but the most important is that it goes along with the concepts here. Check it out here –> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counsel Link</A><P>Again, welcome to our community, and feel free to write often and ask lots of questions!<P><BR>

Thank you, JL! However, I'm not sure exactly what/where NSR's general greeting or the Just Found Out section are. Can you copy the links to me? Thank you so much for your help and encouragement!<P>~PB<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Just Learning:<BR><B>Cascade,<P>I do hope you have done some reading on this site particularly the articles bookmarked in NSR's general greeting. If not go to the Just Found Out section and find his greeting. It will help you find some articles. Have you read Harleys Surviving an Affair? Or his His Needs Her Needs book.<P>I think both would help you a lot and help you to see what seems evident to me reading your post.<P>First, I will bet your H has hardened because as you said he is soo hurt. He sees you as you are right now, and doesn't know how YOU could love him again. Yet, you did love him, maybe not in the true Bodice Riper fashion, but you did. You also respected him, and he was your best friend.<P>Notice that right now he is none of these things. Just a man you find ugly. How interesting. <P>Cascade you are deep into withdrawal. There is no way your H can compare to the OM right now. I am sure like most you are rewriting history abit. All this can pass, but it will take work.<P>One of the biggest obstacles will be getting your H to believe that a relationship can be rebuilt. You have done a lot of damage to him and he may not want to stay just because of your child. You may not either.<P>However, if you read here for awhile and post here for awhile you will start to notice an interesting trend. THINGS CHANGE and they can change for you and your H.<P>So do some reading, do plenty of thinking, and as much as you can communicate with your H. You must stay away from the OM, for if you have contact with him again, your withdrawal will start all over.<P>Cascade, there is hope for your marriage, in fact, there is hope that it can be better than it was before all of this. Why, you will have learned how to be honest with your H, you will have had to dig deep within yourself to understand many things and so will your H. It can be done, but it is done one day at a time.<P>Keep posting, asking questions, and try to help some of the other people here. You will be surprised how much you learn about yourself when you try to help someone else.<P>God Bless,<P>JL</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Thank you, Nyneve, for your welcome and for your openness!<BR>I really appreciate the encouragement!!<P>~PB<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Nyneve:<BR><B><BR>Hello and Welcome to Marriage Builders!<P>First, I would like to share two links with you. Just click on the underlined links here, and read –><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi10_tour.html" TARGET=_blank>Tour of Marriage Builders</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome</A>. <P>Please read everything you can on this site, post and read often!! <P>I have been betrayed and betrayer, so I have the dubious honor of knowing what infidelity does from BOTH SIDES of the situation. <P>I believe in the concepts espoused here, if applied properly. One idea that has worked *wonders* for some couples is Plan A. Read about it here –><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>What Are Plan A and Plan B</A>.<P>Use what you learn here to make your marriage a safe place where you do your best to meet the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A> of your spouse,and avoid <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A> whenever possible. . When a decision must be made, use the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>POJA</A> to determine the final outcome that you can both agree upon.<P>Many couples find that counseling is VERY helpful, and the counseling provided here is excellent for several reasons; but the most important is that it goes along with the concepts here. Check it out here –> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counsel Link</A><P>Again, welcome to our community, and feel free to write often and ask lots of questions!<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>