I was the BS last October, begging for him to give us a chance. In Feb he began to talk the talk, but didn't walk the walk.<P>Now I am the WS (2 Month affair in April and May) and still I am the one who can't leave our relationship.<P>My H is very hurt by my actions, and rightfully so. But I am hurt and amazed that I again am the one not willing to give up. My husband has been "categorized" as disassociative by our counselor and he is certainly doing that now. He has completely shut the door on me and won't talk at all. When he does he won't look at me and it is very cold.<P>How long to I continue to pursue this? I feel I am in Catch22. I can't actually commit to working on our marriage, but I am certainly not in a hurry to throw it away just yet.<P>-LL

LL -<BR>sending you hugs...<P>{{{Learning Life}}}<P>Well, I guess being on both sides of the fence can make you tired. It certainly is understandable how you got to the other side of the fence, being betrayed is the worse emotional pain in the world. It is worse than dealing with death.<P>It is okay to have your goal in front of you to restore your marriage, but to take a break. Remember you are extremely vulnerable right now - so if all you can do is have no contact with OM then that is okay. Take a deep breath, forgive yourself - and then get back on your plan.<P>Have you made a plan of attack for plan A? Even if simply it starts with eliminating lovebusters, that is a start! <P>Hang in there. <P>TnT

LearningLife,<BR>The really horrible thing about both spouses being both BS & WS is that you each get all the issues...the betrayedness, loss, powerlessness of BS & the guilt, remorse, fog & ugliness of being WS. <P>First of all, stop any lingering contact with the OM. No matter your reasons for getting involved with him, if you still have any hope for your marriage, the OM doesn't belong in your life.<P>Whether you can recover your marriage or not, you need time to heal from being a BS, and though an OP may seem to help, you may find there is just more hurt. The WS knows the power of an affair and the existence of yours can cause despair because the WS knows how hard it is to break free.<P>The good news, my H & I went through something similar over a year ago. We've been back together since May 00, and though there have been very rough parts, we are doing well.<P>Your H may need some time. A WS is hurt by a BS having an affair...whether the BS does it in retaliation or being worn down by misery and some OP being kind. If you have any contact with H at all, do Plan A. Start going to counseling on your own, you've got a lot on your plate, and a lot to sort through from both aspects of being BS & WS...and you probably realize that the issues for each are very different.<P>A marriage can survive what you've gone through, but the road is difficult. To continue to work on your marriage will take strength and perseverance. <P><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, gracious...think about these things." Phil 4:8

Trust: I have had no contact for almost two weeks. Although I love this man very much, I understand that at a bare minimum I must finish dealing with my own paid before entering another relationship. I thought I was done back in March when I first made contact with him. I thought I was ready to end my marriage. So much so, that it didn't even seem like an affair to me until later. I began to feel guilty for not having stood up to my WH and telling him I wanted a divorce, but yet, I couldn't do it even then. <P>When I realized that I didn't have the conviction to ask for a divorce or to work on my marriage, it was then that I got it...I was still in pain and not done healing. Then I worried about hurting the OM and tried to do things and say things that would encourage him to break it off with me. It didn't work. I had to be big enough to deal with my own crap, so I finally told him that I couldn't engage in a new relationship until I had put real closure on the old one. That is where I am now.<P>It is extremely difficult not to contact him. He is kind, gentle, willing to be there through my problems, loves kids, and loves me....we have known each other almost as long as I've known my husband and there was always a very major attraction.<P>Lor: You are so right about the pain of being on both sides of the equation. I think my husband does need time tor recover. I want to help him. Partly for self serving needs, I must admit. I want him to recover so that we can get on with the business of chosing if we are both willing or not to really work this. I also know how painful it is to be a BS and want to help him through that because I know how lonely it can be. I am very sorry for all the pain I caused him. <P>I am actually very surprised at how hurt he is because I really didn't think he wanted me anymore. He was unable to take action on his words. After he went through withdrawal, he told me that he had learned a lot and that he realized what his role in our poor relationship was and that he needed to put me first and all that stuff. I was very leary though and he says I pushed him further away. In any case, all I saw was that he wasn't willing to show me that he was serious. I maybe made a big mistake.<P>You have to understand though, my relationship has been frought with trouble. I think my H was pretty immature and I have survived one affair already. It took me about 2 years to come around and be a nice wife again and that also took a terrible toll on our relationship. My H has never really put me first and I have given a lot of energy to trying to keep us together. I was tired and unloved. Yet still, I can't seem to just let go...even though I think that may be the only way for me to be happy. I am not sure that my H is capable of taking care of me or that right now me of him because I am so distrusting.<P>It all just hurts. Thank you both for the hugs. I really needed that!!<P>-LL