Wow, what a rollercoster this can be! D-Day was a little over three months ago now. How time flies when you are having fun. Plan A lasted about two months and turned to Plan B when H openly decided to be with OW. <P>I moved out of the house and in with my parents from day one because he was going to leave, but had no job (fired because of A's), little money and no family near. I did not know about this site until two weeks after D-day and so I made some mistakes up front. Since that time, H has gotten a job, moved to an apartment and we are selling the house.<P>From the time I found this site until the day he openly said he wanted OW and not me I stayed in Plan A. Upon his decision to be with OW and saying that we could still be friends, Steve Harley recommended Plan B. H said that if things between he and OW did not work out he would come back to me because he know our marriage could be saved. My question was then why not save it. He insisted that OW has a special place in his heart because she accepts him for who he is right now. How long will that last now that she has him?<P>The A has been going on almost two years and I am starting to feel like it will just turn into a relationship and continue. H says that he is not leaving me for her that he decided to be with her after he decided to leave me. H states that he tried to work on the marriage for the past two years and that he has given up on trying. I think it is funny that the amount of time he has been trying to work on the marriage is the amount of time the A has been going on. I am powerless to stop it and I want my H back. I am not sure he is in the fog and worry that he really is in love and wants to stay with her forever. <P>To make matters worse, I have no support from my family and the are making things very hard on me, saying that I must be crazy and things like that. If I try to keep my distance and be around people that are supportive, they talk about me behind my back and tell poeple I am alienating them. <P>How do I win? I am going to end up with no H and no family if I keep trying to save my marriage.<BR>

Hi sinking,<P>I had to reply to this because my H said the exact same thing. He had been working on our marrige for years and was tired, he threw in we should have never married and that he didnt love me for good measure.<P>I was sure that they had true love and OW was the perfect match for him and I was worthless.<P>My H moved out... was gone for 4 months before I heard one word from him! Then in another 2 months he asked to move home and has been here 2 moths now an we are doing great.<BR>I am a total beleiver that affairs end. Hang in there. Read, post , work on yourself and give it time... their perfect love will end... <P>Lora

Left my job, so I could move. Little or no money as well.<P>I left to be with her as well. I too told my wife, that I was not leaving her for (OW) not the truth.<P>In the fog, time seems to pass so quickly. I'm sure my wife felt the same as you. Where time seems to tick slowly. It's been eternity for the (BS) and a short while for the (WS) like myself.<P>I too told my wife, (OW) accepts me for me, and that my life was changing and I was a changed person. I also told her. We married to early, and I was pressured to do it.<BR>Re-wrote a lot of history..<P>I also stated, I had worked on the marriage, recounting all the times of argument we had, that I felt unresolved, where I felt like I tried to talk about things, but she wasn't listening to me.<P>I didn't think I was in the fog, I knew what I was doing was the right thing. I knew (OW) was the perfect match for me also. I said that often.<P>My perfect love ended, and my affair ended. Takes time.<P>It's definately not true love, which I thought it was, I said it to all my friends, and my family. I said this so many times. So many ways.<P>It takes time for people to realize the fairy tale is gone, the magic has worn off. Just wait, be patient.. I'm a firm believer in affairs ending as well mine did, and I had plenty of control over that. I could still be walking around in the fog. I could still be in the affair, but I chose my future, and I chose to see the way out. I struggled, and I got out.<P>------------------<BR>H.<P>My advice is my advice. Take the good, disgard the bad. Do whats right for you. Not because I said it worked for me.<p>[This message has been edited by [H] (edited June 12, 2001).]

I just wanted to say thanks to H and Lora. You helped me as well to have a little bit of hope. <P>Sinking, I'm there as well. Friends, family - they all think I'm crazy, want me to go divorce him and make him pay... I understand. Stop talking to these people, it really helped me. Talk to us at MB or find someone who truly understands that will give you the support you need.

Thank you all so much for your words of encouragement and support. To add to my turmoil, the OW's soon to be ExH has told me over and over to get on with my life that there is someone out there that will love me the way I deserve to be loved. Is it so wrong to want that person to be the one you married? He has also told me that he thought his W would do whatever it took to hold on to my H, that it is like a competition to her and he is the prize. How sick is this person and will my H see it soon enough?<P>Thanks again for your replies. They truely help!

SinkingFast,<P>You say that your family is not supportive. Do you mean that they think you should not try to save your marriage?<P>Family usually does not take things like affairs very well. I have not told any of my friends or family (except one sister) about my husband’s affairs. I now they would never accept my husband again. I know that their advice would be harsh and they would not support my working on my marriage at this point. And that would not help my marriage at all. So if they cannot give me the respect and space to make my own mistakes and choices, then they do not need to be that close to me. I also know that some of my family members would spread the gossip to every distant relative and old family friends they still have contact with … so they would not respect our privacy too. If your family persists, maybe you can write them a very kind and loving letter explaining your need for space right now and why you are taking the path you are on. Then drop it with them.<P>I have found is that each member of my family has his/her own agenda. And it is usually not in sink with my agenda. It drives me nuts when family member X tells me what family member Y said about me. I come from a very large Italian/Irish family and sometimes they do not seem to realize that I am my own person. I've come to realize that second and third hand stories are very harmful so I do not listen anymore. Any time anyone in my family starts doing this, or starts to say anything nasty about another family member I change the subject. If they persist, I tell them that I do not care to hear nasty stuff about my self or someone I care about else. If they continue to persist I walk away or politely hang up the phone.<P>Pick your advisors and supporters well. We cannot pick our family but we can pick our friends. Find friends who are supportive and limit the time you spend with family. <P>Good Luck<P>Z<BR><P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

SF,<P>This is a tricky rope to walk. On one hand, it *is* your marriage. You should make the call on whether you want to weather it out or if you want to divorce. That is your decision alone.<P>On the other hand, your family and friends love you. Parents in particular. I have to confess, if I were a parent of a grown daughter and her H did something to her like my H did to me, I would have great difficulty forgiving him. And if I did, I would never trust him. Ever. That's sort of where my parents are - they have forgiven him, but they don't trust that he won't lie to me again. They have the same issues that I do - it's not the A; it's the lies and the cruel behavior toward me, not just during the A, but before, when H was terribly angry and verbally abusive. <P>As a rule, the less you say, the less you have to defend or give reasons for. It's very difficult once the situation becomes obvious. Just keep in mind that your H will have to do a lot of spadework to prove himself worthy of you, in the eyes of your friends and family. If he's even half a man, he will do just that once the A ends.<P>belld

Dear SF,<P>I am sorry you are on that ride. It is wild and unyielding at times. Here are some of my suggestions:<P>1. I told all persons (in advance) that I informed of the A (family, friends, workmates, boss, school, etc.) that I appreciate their support and ask that they respect my wishes. I would be willing to hear their suggestions but they needed to respect my decisions since they individually may not be privy to all the details nor should the be. <P>That helped a lot. I received much support. <P>2. I stepped off the roller coaster and applied points from the following thread: <P> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002494.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002494.html</A> <P>3. Gotta let him go do his thing. His brain is not working logically and if you only actually heard what he is saying and being told by the OW, you'd probably understand why he is acting soooo stupid. <P>I posted a very strong flame to an OW on [h]'s thread. Let me tell you, those were first hand things I learned. I had the 'privilege' to get a phone call from OW last night at 11pm, ruined my nights sleep and almost made H go out on the street. Still not sure where he will sleep tonight but that OW was a real crass act!! When I calm down, I will probably post all my humours encounters about her 2 phone calls later. Have to compose myself since this is suppose to be a family site. <P>In the meantime, hang in there. Plan B and take care of yourself. Even in recovery they act dumb. Want to meet one of those? I have one in my house right now. He cried a lot last night and keeps calling me all day. Yet I am not that sad, just angry and greatly disappointed. There are other extenuating reasons and I will share those later. <P>But you take care, all is not lost, you still have your santity. <P>L.<P>

Z - My family thinks that I should file for D and stop trying to fight for my marriage. And unfortunately, my family members all know about the A since my aunt is the one that told me about it in the first place. She works at the same place that OW works and where H used to work (got fired). Actually my aunt told my mom and from there it spread like wildfire. To make matters worse, my H now dislikes my mom a lot as well. This may never be fixable with them.<P>Belld - I know that my parents are hurting, but the things that they say to me and about me really hurt my feelings. I have been called crazy, told that they would not help me anymore, etc. I know they do not mean these things, but they hurt just the same. <P>Orchid - I am sorry the OW feels the need to call and bother you. When will she ever leave you alone? I have actually met the OW in my H's life and talked to her on the phone three times. I even wished her good luck on fixing her marriage only to find out that she was planning a D and going after my H again at the time. Well she has gotten her wish, for now. I am not out of the picture yet. I just hope H comes to his senses before it is too late for us.<P>Thank you all for your advise and care. This is quite a family here and I always feel comfort coming here. The weekends are hard because since I moved into my parents I can not always get to a computer on the weekends and nights. I have to go to a friend's house to use their computer. I do have some great friends that have really come through for me over the past few weeks and I will never forget their kindness. I think that it makes my family mad that I spend so much time with friends and they don't understand that I need support not to hear that I am crazy right now.<P>Thanks again, you are all great people.<BR>

My H is deeply under the influence of OW. And although he says he loves me and wants our marriage to work, he is not ready to separate from OW. We are still living together, and it is killing me every time I look him in the eyes knowing that he is still seeing her. I've been in Plan A for 2 1/2 months. It is reallly, really hard. Anyone else experiencing what I am? Have any suggestions on how to survive?

YOU WROTE: "...it *is* your marriage. You should make the call on whether you want to weather it out or if you want to divorce..."<P>I have to agree on this. My family has pretty much let me know they don't think I should wait around for him. However, it has only been 3 1/2 weeks since DD, so I think it's a little too early to throw in the towel! I just wish he would want to talk to me, but we won't. And that's the most hurtful of all.<P>I KNOW for certain that my H will return (after he's out of the "fog") I understand this better now, thanks to [H].<P>However, here's where it gets sticky: My H's family is the one who PUSHED him into the arms of OW!!! His brother's W works with OW and THEY FIXED him UP!!! Literally, threw him into her arms!!! It's gonna take a lot of work, strength and resolve on my H's part to get out of that mess. Unfortunately, I'm not sure he's got that much strength. <P>I know he is weak when it comes to his family. They have always led him around, and made decisions for him that weren't in our best interest. That's why they wanted him away from me! I'm very very frightened that they will NOT loosen their grip enough for him to ever see the light of day. He packed up and filed for Div. all in one day! I never saw it coming, never knew he was *that* unhappy. Only knew that OW kept trying to contact him, and his family was encouraging it, and I kept fighting it (he was, too, for awhile).<P>Well, time will tell eventually if his guilt overcomes his feelings of obligation to his family..<P>Any other thoughts I'm missing on how to deal with interfering family?<P>Lupo

Each of us wants to do the right things in life. We want to do the right thing. None of us wants to live in a life of lies, and misery. Which affairs bring to us. It's lying to a lot of people, to friends, to family, to our wives, our husbands. We like simple lives, not complex things. Affairs are complex and difficult to deal with on all sides.<P>You do end up lying to both people your wife and (OW) in my situation. I heard things like ("I expect you to be totally honest with me") from (OW) How can you totally be honest with this person? You can't. ("Doomed to fail in that relationship/affair")<P>------------------------<BR>Lupolady,<P>My family was hiding a lot from my wife as well. My dad specifically. He tried to play both sides of the fence. Lied to me as well doing so. Then added to some negative things about my wife. <P>His wife as well, as I talked about some of the things she did to me during the affair "Like taking the money from our accounts" and how I felt I was treated before the affair. <BR>She added a lot of unneeded comments, she added to my hate of my wife also. You tend to believe things after awhile of people telling you this and that. And agreeing with you. Not all of my friends and family said negative things. My mom in fact said "Well she's always going to be my daughter in law, so don't ask me to cut her out of my life".<P>You'll hear many diffrent things from family. They aren't sure what to say, or do. They also don't want to be shut out. They don't want to be cut off from you, as you've just cut off your wife. So they agree, and respond according to how you think and what you're saying as well. Parents often agree with thier children on issues they disagree with, just so they don't "Get in the way" It's not the right thing to do. My dad should have been honest with me as well, and said "I'm not going to cut your wife out of my life as you have". My mom said these things to me, why didn't he? As for his wife? Well I think she reacted with trying to understand, and went about it the wrong way. Added fuel to the fire.<P>Family often doesn't support the way you want. Just have to remind them, "Why are you taking sides?" My mom never took sides, I respected that. I don't respect anyone who does. No one is right or wrong. My relationship with my father has been messed up a long time. Thats something I am working on as well. My mom and I get along great. Just wish my dad would stop lying about things himself, and be honest.<BR>I'm not 7 anymore, he can't keep lying, and expecting me to swallow it.<P>Point I am making is. When people attack someone you love, what do you do? Even if your telling yourself you hate this person, even if your telling everyone around you. You hate this person. You defend him / her. It's your gut reaction and instinct. You may not say anything, but inside I was thinking. <P>I could clearly see family and friends choosing sides, this in turn bothered me. Because she'd never done anything to them. Why are they attacking her? Why are they taking my side? Why are they agreeing with me? In a round about way, I was defending the woman, who I thought I wanted to be divorced from.<BR>------------------<P>------------------<BR>[H] / Aeon Blue<P>My advice is my advice. Take the good, disgard the bad. Do whats right for you. Not because I said it worked for me.

[H],<BR> Yes, my H doesn't like "complex" in his life. But his family is totally in favor of A.<P>My H is involved with OW specifically BECAUSE his brother and his W have "fixed them up"! They *wanted* them together and me out of the picture. This is manipulation of the worst kind in my mind, and I honestly don't see my H getting up the strength to get out of that situation. It will mean having to tell his brother to totally *back off* out of his life to get back together with me. It would mean major awkwardness in the future whenever he is around them. <P>I know I'm not trusting that God can do all things, but this is where my mind goes...<P>